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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Lads holiday

117 replies

Stressedmam · 10/04/2019 07:11

Hi my partner is going away with the lads in April, he told me they were going the Easter weekend, at first I wasn't to happy about this but come round to the idea. He's been working away the past few weeks so we have hardly seen each other. I decided to book a caravan for the Easter weekend as he would be away. Take my son (Not his) an my sister's 2 little ones. My partner informed me he got the dates wrong an goes the following weekend not Easter weekend. I told him to come caravan with us. He could still have a night out with the lads on the Friday follow us up on Saturday an spend Easter together. He said why would he want to spend Easter with a load of kids an it costs to much money to go. It's only a hours drive away. If already paid for caravan. We have been together 10 years I dnt really trust him wen he goes away every year with the lads. But I still give him the benefit of the doubt. He has cheated on me. I forgave him an we moved on, am starting to think he isn't interested in me no more. There is an age gap am 35 he's 56. I dent go on mad holidays every year with the girls. I go on 1 family holiday. Why am I feeling let down by this? Am I wrong to think he should come away easter?

OP posts:

BlueMerchant · 10/04/2019 08:00

He sounds like he's trying to re-live his youth and wants to be 'one of the lads' with his little holiday. He's obviously not a fan of 'family time' and he obviously doesn't care about hurting you.

Original poster

Stressedmam · 10/04/2019 08:02

Am starting to feel a fool, he always makes me believe am being possessive, I challenged him this morning over this break. His reply is am bullying him to go an giving him grief he doesn't need when he's working away. I'm going to work myself now feeling pretty shit! Let him spend Easter with his mates. An then the following weekend with them to. What makes me laugh is we haven't even booked a family holiday yet an he's already talking about taking Benidorm for his friends birthday

OP posts:

Slicedpineapple · 10/04/2019 08:03

The more I read the more I think his guy sounds like an ass longing to be in his 20s again.

Bungalowbeth · 10/04/2019 08:06

Nice ageism in this thread. I’m not saying the guy isn’t a jerk but are 56 year old women looked down on for having a “weekend away with the girls”? I know I would like it at 56!

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2019 08:08

What's your living situation? Do you own or rent? Who's name is it in?
It's time for some serious thinking

SnakeRattleRoll · 10/04/2019 08:08

"Lads" holidays at 56?

NorthernKnickers · 10/04/2019 08:09

I'm trying to look at this from both sides. You need to separate the 'lads holiday' and your caravan holiday to do this, as I think there is another whole thread to be made about him going away 'with the lads' every year at 56!

So:

He told you he was going away Easter weekend. Fair enough 🤷‍♀️

You booked a caravan away for yourself and your DS, and invited a friend with their DC. Again, fair enough 🤷‍♀️

He realised his date mix-up and you asked him to come to the caravan with you, your friend and several DC.

He said no, you think this is unreasonable.

Looking at JUST THIS issue, he isn't being unreasonable really I don't think. He's 56, probably working all week, and you've asked him to go away in a caravan with you, your friend and several young children, none of whom are his. Objectively, that would be my idea of hell on Earth! It's probably his too. It would be completely different if it were just you and your DS of course...but it isn't. There are other people in the mix.

Your disappointment is, of course, real and valid...because you know he's ALSO going away the following weekend. But that's a separate issue.

I'd be more concerned about his 'lads holidays' and his cheating if I were you. You say you don't really trust him. This is your AIBU, not the caravan holiday. Don't try to force or guilt him into going with you...it will sour your weekend away and you'll not enjoy it...and neither will your friend or the DC. Go, have fun, don't talk about him at all!

When you get back, that's time for you to sort out the real issue of trust (or lack of!)

💐💐

ArgyMargy · 10/04/2019 08:09

Yes, his age is irrelevant - he's just an arse.

TapasForTwo · 10/04/2019 08:09

I'm 60 and have just been away on a weekend break with my female friends

It sounds like he is gaslighting you, and taking you for granted. Maybe being on your own in the evenings is better than being with this bellend.

HopefulAgain10 · 10/04/2019 08:10

Hes sounds worse after your last 'talk'. But there you are still with him.
Sit down and ask yourself why are you so desperate for him?

Slicedpineapple · 10/04/2019 08:15

Nice ageism in this thread.

I'm not sure anyone is being ageist, he just sounds quite immature for a man that is middle aged.

cheating on his partner
planning several holidays for the lads and not planning any family holidays (personally I would think you should do both, I know lots of people that do girly holidays in their 50s but also go on holiday with their partner or families)

I can see both sides with the step father thing as I know people that have made it clear they do not want to be a step father to a child when they are in the middle of their life but they do not live with their partners for that reason, or said they will wait until the child is a lot older before they move in together. But it sounds like they live together here.

I wouldn't say this is ageist.

Whatafustercluck · 10/04/2019 08:18

You've been together 10 years. Has he shown any kind of commitment to you in that time? He's cheated on you, can't be arsed to spend Easter with you and seems to want to spend more time with his mates than you. What do you get out of this 'relationship'?

InMyCorner · 10/04/2019 08:24

Bungalowbeth

I think planning multiple holidays with the 'lads' where you cheat on your partner and refuse to spend any time with them on a family holiday because 'ew kids' sounds incredibly immature for a 56 year old yes. Male or female.

Original poster

Stressedmam · 10/04/2019 08:25

My friend has her own caravan. She is going with her partner an kids. I will be able to so I to them there not be with them. An the issue is he's away now b no the weekend same nxt week so he won't see me for 2 weeks an he's absolutely fine by this well am not. I got over him cheating. I cnt trust because of the way he is behaving.saying am bullying him.

OP posts:

claireblueskies · 10/04/2019 08:28

You're a single parent and he doesn't like children? That seems like quite a massive obstacle.

Not to mention the cheating and always putting you last... and manipulating you so you think you're the one at fault...

How does this man make your life better?

ChipSandwich · 10/04/2019 08:29

Do adult men still go on "lad's holidays"? None of the men I know do

Mine does, but golf is the primary reason for this. All day and every day. I had imagined some sort of hobby related trip re: OP. Maybe I'm wrong.

ChipSandwich · 10/04/2019 08:37

I'm 60 and have just been away on a weekend break with my female friends

I'm older even than that and I've just done the same. Is that sad, or only if I was a man would it be sad?

Original poster

Stressedmam · 10/04/2019 08:39

Sorry last msg wasn't very clear. He is working away now an will be next week. So when I go to the caravan we won't of seen each other for a full week when I get bk he will b away with work again then fly to Spain the Thursday till Tuesday. We won't of seen each other nearly 3 weeks when he does get bk. He will b home 1 day. Then go to work. We live in the same house. My issue is why wouldn't u want to see me an spend time with me Easter? My friend will be in her own caravan with her partner an kids. I will see them on evenings, but am not with them. He nos my niece an nephew as they have a sleep over once a month. He normally goes out with the lads but he does no them. An my issue is he's I probably have had enough. Cos when I do go out with my friends (very rare occasion) I get grief for months. U didn't get in till 4am etc etc I dnt go out till 10.30pm as work commitments. I am being taking for granted. I think am just scared to be on my own fully. When I do go out I get a lot of attention of other men, i cnt engage in it at all, just glad to have some fun with the girls. He's not all bad he is nice to me, takes me 4 nice meals but I do the same in return. I keep are home immaculate. There's always a fresh home cooked meal on the table. I'm thinking I do to much an he now sees me more as a mother than a lover.

OP posts:

Boysey45 · 10/04/2019 08:49

Lads holiday, more like a whist drive or luncheon club outing.Hes way too old for you OP bin him and meet someone else.

echt · 10/04/2019 08:51

Ageism on this thread is sickening.

Take his age out of the equation and the advice would be the same.

LizB62A · 10/04/2019 08:51

I've been with someone like this.
He's in "single man mode" most of the time and is only switching into "partner mode" when it suits him.

Honestly, I think you're wasting your time on him - I doubt he'll ever change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/04/2019 08:52

I think you have written in your message why you have stayed with him to date; this innate fear you have of being on your own. That has kept you with him at great cost in all sorts of ways to yourself. He is that crap as well that he himself gives you verbal when you go out with your own friends. That is emotional abuse from him, not just to say double standards.

Better to be on your own than to be so badly accompanied. He sees you as some sort of maid/housekeeper there to service his needs. Your needs to him do not matter and are immaterial.

You have ended up being cheated on and otherwise used by him for his own ends, he has no respect for you at all and considers you to be a right mug. He likely targeted you as well all those years ago also because of your single parent status. Your relationship bar is so very low here that you cite him taking you for nice meals as a plus point re him. This is really the barest of bare minimums and he knows it too.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. You have learnt some stuff here that badly needs unlearning.

Give this pensionable old goat the boot now (your child likely wonders too why you are with this man at all) and please consider seeking counselling re raising your own relationship bar, lack of self worth and fear of being on your own.

TapasForTwo · 10/04/2019 08:52

You're his housekeeper not his partner.

Hollowvictory · 10/04/2019 08:52

He doesn't want to come. On the caravan trip that's fair enough. It does not make sense to stay in a relationship where you don't trust the person though.

IncrediblySadToo · 10/04/2019 08:54

Can one of you tell me why someone is being referred to as a pensioner or near pensioner? He’s 56. At least 11 years away from retiring, probably more. Would you say he was almost 30 if they are 19?

I’m in my 40’s. I have friends in their 50’s...should I not invite them on a girls holiday? At what age do you think girls/lads holidays are no longer ok?

It’s not a ‘family’ holiday. It’s 2 women and at least 5 kids (only one of which is his step child/partners child)...I can think of plenty of men who would say ‘Yeah, no thanks, you go and have fun’. (Drip feed of friends DP & separate caravan somewhat convenient).

I’m not saying whether this guy is a twat or not, but he probably is. I just can’t believe some of the comments.

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