To use a childminder when a SAHM

[JaffacakesAreCakesNotBiscuits]

Bit of background. I gave up work after having dd a Yr ago. Mainly due to the childcare and travel costs would of used the equivalent of my pay.. Plus my job was making me really ill, stressed and depressed and didn't want to go back to being reliant on ADs like I was years ago
. Dp works ft.. Out of the house 7.30 till 6.30 Mon to Fri and 8 till 1 sat PLUS he's a musician/singer andv often has bookings 2x nights a week from 8/9pm.so then it's home shower dinner and out.
This obviously leaves the majority to me which I don't mind, except now dd is clingy. Literally like velcro lol. And it's exhausting.

Dp suggested a childminder 1 session a week maybe so I get 'me' time. Whether that's to relax or get things done. That would be my choice.
I just feel soo guilty for doing that. It feels like I'd be palming her off. Altho she would love it.

We already do baby groups Mon, wed and Fri. And try to squeeze in grocery shopping on a Thurs and other errands. and I help care for a grandparent on a Tues morning
Weekends we have dsd and also have my teen here . So hectic to get things done the weekend.
I doubt I'd use the time to relax as that's just not me and I'd use the time to get things done that I can't with dd in tow. But in a weird way I'd feel relaxed getting things done

Dp does loads when he's here around the house except cook. As I can't eat late as makes me feel ill. And I like to get it done for when he gets in so we can eat as a family with the dcs to sit at the table and catch up on our day. But he does his share in other stuff.

Wibu to use a childminder 1 session a week. Either a morning or. Afternoon? Would I come Across selfish?

I hope fantastic dog displays her well earned medals with pride.

I put DS1 into nursery for a few hours a week when Ds2 was a baby. The idea was actually suggested by the health visitor as there was new provision in the village and DS1 was a handful.

So you couldn’t cope with both at the same time pick a chew. Shame. You shouldn’t feel guilty though. You followed HV advice. Good for you

I don't work. I have a cleaner who comes there times a week. And my ds goes to preschool 5 hours a day 5 days a week. We both enjoy it!

Fantastic dog, what we didn't know then is that both of them are autistic. You absolutely are judging, though. You've already made your views clear in this thread.

Bloody mummy martyrs. OP, yanbu. I would actually do 2 sessions a week.

Do what suits you - if you are able to it will also be good for DD developmentally so she is used to other people and children and does something different. You can use the time as you like, personally you have a majorly busy schedule with Dhs work and second job, step child and others plus caring for grandparents. Even if its used occasionally for chores and occasionally for me stuff. You are in danger of burn out and losing yourself so I don't have a problem with this at all and DP is great for suggesting it - he clearly understands the load you are carrying at the moment.

Fantasticdog shame on you for trying to make other women feel ashamed of decisions they've made for the good of their families. Your comment above to Pickachew is unbelievably smug and snide.

Op, you do it. sounds like you would all benefit from this arrangement.

AS have you pick a chew. If you can not take judgment don’t give it out!!!

I do it and don't even pay for it - as of two weeks today, we'll be entitled to the 30 hours funding as I get Carers Allowance for another of the children. I do feel a bit bad but I'm six months pregnant so could do with a rest. And DD loves it

The discussion is with regards to whether a sahm is reasonable to get childcare. I am entitled to my view as is any other person on this thread. My view is the minority. I have no difficulty in accepting that. I also have no difficulty in accepting that most posters if not all disagree with me. What strikes me as slightly unfair is that posters become defensive because they clearly do not like my point of view and they become offensive as well. Because someone who disagrees is a martyr, I should wear my medals with pride, I’m only validated by being a mum......

I am judging - yes. But I am also being judged. It works both ways.

No need to AS what is already in this thread.

I don't believe that your intentions in this thread are any other than to be unkind to a struggling OP, though, fantastic.

I always had the DCs registered in nursery. It kept their place and consistency as my work contracts changed and through maternity leaves. It was a social setting for them offering different opportunities to being in the house with me and activities that we did together. It was also very useful for supporting one of them through SALT interventions as his key worker had considerably more experience than me and could do group based activities.

Yes, I benefited from the me time and they carried on attending their places in school holidays which was useful in giving me chance to do domestic chores, school work and shock horror, actually enjoy myself. Because I'm a human too and it's very healthy for me to have windows of time to relax and do things for pleasure.

Modern parenting can be very isolated. Many mums don't have a local support network of family and friends on the doorstep. Standards have changed, young children don't play out supervised by older siblings and neighbours. Good news for child safety, but there is a cost to maternal mental health.

My ds did two full days 8-4pm with a childminder from 11 months till 2.5yrs. I used to make sure that at least a half day was devoted to something I wanted to do to give my self head space. It was a sanity saver. Of course now I'm unexpectedly home educating and I look back on those days very fondly as we are together almost 24/7!

fantasticdog I also have 4dc under 11 yrs old and WAH and used to be a sahm, I'd have loved to have afforded this now and again, mental health is greatly unappreciated. I don't see a problem with the OP buying herself some time during the week. If she can afford it why not? People take short cuts and pay for services they can do themselves all the time like ordering a takeaway, getting a cleaner in etc because its nice to catch a break if you can. The baby is going to a childcare setting not tied up to some railings.

fantasticdog

“Maybe Langrish but still chose to look after my own children when I wasn’t at work”.

Pressed post too soon:

Or do anything else you want to once a week?
You hit the nail right on the head when you said you “chose” to look after your own children. Your choice. OP’s choice. Everyone’s choice based on their individual circumstances.
FWIW I was exclusively at home with both of mine until they started a couple of days a week at nursery at 3 - which they needed, a parent isn’t enough at that age - and then school. I staggered their start too because I felt they weren’t ready for full time.
But that was my choice. Who the hell am I, to judge what’s right for another parent?

Why do some women give others such a hard time for no reason?

Nope, I pressed review fantasticdog so the first bits actually missing.

I had said good for you, but you were still only at home for 6 months, which is very different. Why do you think it’s perfectly ok, to palm your children off on someone else (which seems to be what you’re saying) if you want to go back to work? Why does the holy grail of a career seem so much more worthy to you than anything else? Your children don’t know why you’re not there, so why is work any better than taking a day out to do something else for yourself?

I put both my children in childcare two mornings a week from just after they turned two. The eldest had a developmental delay and being with other children and adults actually helped him catch up, then with the second it helped give me a break.

Your DP does very long hours. If you don't want to use childcare the other option would obviously be for him to cut his hours a bit to give you a break during the week?

Blimey it’s so hard to be a woman. SAHMs judged by working mums. WMs judged by SAHMs. I worried part time and felt guilty about being a not good enough mum and guilty about not beng good enough at my job. Bot of those were ridiculous looking back. Dad’s hardly ever feel this way I’m pretty sure of it, or judge each other.

Why can we not just try and support each other and realise everyone makes their choices that suit them and their families, or sometimes they have no choice in what they’re doing, and it’s all no-one else’s business.

I am a childminder . I wouldn’t judge you at all but don’t take on for a few hours mainly as they settle so much better at least 2 sessions a week . Even my most confident children settle better 2 sessions a week

It's up to you but I do admit I found it strange when a sahm friend put her one year old into nursery 2 mornings a week plus had a cleaner, a gardener and her dh did the cooking and still she moaned, whereas we had zero money and no family help so I did everything including the cooking and never complained. Seriously if a couple of half days or one full day helps then go for it, maybe use the time to explore what you want to do in the future job wise