To use a childminder when a SAHM

[JaffacakesAreCakesNotBiscuits]

Bit of background. I gave up work after having dd a Yr ago. Mainly due to the childcare and travel costs would of used the equivalent of my pay.. Plus my job was making me really ill, stressed and depressed and didn't want to go back to being reliant on ADs like I was years ago
. Dp works ft.. Out of the house 7.30 till 6.30 Mon to Fri and 8 till 1 sat PLUS he's a musician/singer andv often has bookings 2x nights a week from 8/9pm.so then it's home shower dinner and out.
This obviously leaves the majority to me which I don't mind, except now dd is clingy. Literally like velcro lol. And it's exhausting.

Dp suggested a childminder 1 session a week maybe so I get 'me' time. Whether that's to relax or get things done. That would be my choice.
I just feel soo guilty for doing that. It feels like I'd be palming her off. Altho she would love it.

We already do baby groups Mon, wed and Fri. And try to squeeze in grocery shopping on a Thurs and other errands. and I help care for a grandparent on a Tues morning
Weekends we have dsd and also have my teen here . So hectic to get things done the weekend.
I doubt I'd use the time to relax as that's just not me and I'd use the time to get things done that I can't with dd in tow. But in a weird way I'd feel relaxed getting things done

Dp does loads when he's here around the house except cook. As I can't eat late as makes me feel ill. And I like to get it done for when he gets in so we can eat as a family with the dcs to sit at the table and catch up on our day. But he does his share in other stuff.

Wibu to use a childminder 1 session a week. Either a morning or. Afternoon? Would I come Across selfish?

Both of ours have gone to nursery a couple f mornngs a week from about 15 months. They both love it - DS is 4 and full-time now. DD is 2 and stilljust two mornings. Iam 22 weeks pregnant and I love those two mornings. DH drops her off and takes DS to school and I have a lie in !

Blimey no YANBU!!!

If you can afford it, use a childminder if it makes your life easier.

I am pretty sure the concept of “me time” is a new thing. Plenty of time for that when kids are at school all day if you are a stay at home mum. My view - kids should only be in childcare if you’re at work. I find it odd that people cannot find the time for chores, coffee, reading books because they have kid and are stay at home mum.

Do it. When my toddler hits 2 we will.be sending him 2 mornings a week to nursery. I want him to socialize with other children and I have a baby so want to spend some one to one time with him. Everyone i have spoken to agrees with how important it is for his own development to be away from parents. Don't feel guilty.

As has been said, waaaaay back, many decades ago, there used to be much closer, more close-knit communities, where there were loads of extended family closeby. (And lots more women/female relatives at home a lot more, who could/would help young mums with young babies/toddlers.)

When I was a little girl (60s and 70s,) and before that, it was unheard of for a young mum to be left alone with a baby; there was ALWAYS someone to help. Now MANY young mums are left alone to cope.

It's all right for people to sit in judgement when they have easier lives/people on hand to babysit at the drop of a hat/don't have to go out to work etc etc, and they can't POSSIBLY fathom that other peoples lives (and situations,) may be different.

fantasticdog the OP's 1 year old probably isn't at school though are they? So they get no me time. As has been explained throughout the thread.

Fantasicdog , do you find it inconceivable that women may have needs beyond care giving and that they may have other needs and wants to make them a valid human being? I’m so much more than a baby minder you know.

Definitely go for it. The only possible downside is that your dc may catch more bugs (they tend to, in childcare settings) but it'll build their immunity anyway. Any SAHM should really be able to understand your motives; it is relentless! Don't feel you need to make excuses or give reasons. Go for a couple of mornings to allow your child to settle in too, if you have the funds. You will grow to really treasure your time alone, no doubt... no cleaning allowed!

Everyone’s circumstances are different. I personally would have found it odd to drop off any of my kids at the childminder to do anything other than go to work.

I find it odd that people cannot find the time for chores, coffee, reading books because they have kid and are stay at home mum.

Very curious how anyone finds time to read books in peace as a SAHM?! I have two very young DC and this just is not a possibility during the day. And It’s not that people can’t find the time for chores and coffee, it’s that it’s so much harder when you’re simultaneously attending to the needs of demanding children and everyone ends up frazzled so of course most SAHPs would jump at the chance to do these things in peace occasionally.

I think you’re being deliberately obtuse though because it’s pretty obvious...

I did this 20 years ago. It's important to look after your mental health too.

A friend said to me 'you can't pour from an empty cup', she's very right. Replenish yourself and you'll have more to give.

What’s your circumstance fantasticdog just out of curiosity?

Fantastic dog appears to have devolved herself from being a functioning human female to a “I see myself as a mum only “ without any accompanying human factors. ‘Tis sad.

Kids are older now. Always worked full time. No maternity leave with 1 and 2 as at uni. 6 months off with 3 and 4

Finfintytint - you couldn’t be more wrong!!!

Thanks to those helpful replies.
I doubt idv use as me time. Is use to get things done. Me time was suggested by dp as he realises that apart from a Sunday when he's off completely I'm mainly with dd and school runs. He appreciates that he gets time to have his lunch in peace, Drive his car in peace to and from work and other stuff. That he thinks I should get that No Matter what I'm doing with that spare time.
Even if I decide to go to tesco or catch up on some bits indoors. .. Its still nice to do alone or whatever I chose to do.

Glad so many did the same and found it productive. Dd loves being with other kids too so she'll love that.

Same situation as you, six months maternity leave. Six months part time which was a mistake and then full time for the next 20+ years. Now semi retired but in the few months I was not working/ part time working I felt absolutely no guilt in placing my son in childcare to keep on top of me. I’m so much more than than just being a mum.

OP, I don’t see anything wrong and it’s good for DD to have social interaction. It’s nobody’s business and if it gives you some breathing room, what’s the harm?

I want to say that I’m a full-time working mom who’s always been in the workforce, and we are judged plenty for putting our children in daycare to go to work. I work so we don’t live paycheck to paycheck. I work to help pay the bills and to save for my own retirement, but apparently all working moms are sacrificing their children so they have money to purchase the latest gadgets and new cars every two years. “Why have children if you’re just going to pawn them off on strangers?” is an old favorite.

Unfortunately you and your situation too may be judged, even for one session with a childminder per week. Don’t even worry. You’ll never appease everybody, so why try?

Go for it! It’s good for DD and good for you. Your DP sounds lovely btw.

Issues much? Stophavinkidsthen.

Obviously stophavinkidsthen lives in a fully sustainable smallholding and doesn't outsource any jobs/responsibilities that keeps them clothed, warm or fed, because anything else would be hypocritical...

People who work outside the home get annual leave and sick days...

If you can afford it then why not? Everyone needs a minute to themselves for a bath or a little walk or some quiet time to read a book. And it would probably be really good for your DC to learn to spend time with other people too - especially since you say she's so clingy.

If it was every day then that would be different but 1 day for a few hours, don't feel guilty if you can afford it.

I only used childcare for returning back to work but my circumstances are completely different. Children need time in social environments and I think it's healthy they have small amounts of time away from parents too?

Your baby will get used to new people, and will get a happier mummy as well. You get some psychological respite. A win-win. DO IT.