To use a childminder when a SAHM

[JaffacakesAreCakesNotBiscuits]

Bit of background. I gave up work after having dd a Yr ago. Mainly due to the childcare and travel costs would of used the equivalent of my pay.. Plus my job was making me really ill, stressed and depressed and didn't want to go back to being reliant on ADs like I was years ago
. Dp works ft.. Out of the house 7.30 till 6.30 Mon to Fri and 8 till 1 sat PLUS he's a musician/singer andv often has bookings 2x nights a week from 8/9pm.so then it's home shower dinner and out.
This obviously leaves the majority to me which I don't mind, except now dd is clingy. Literally like velcro lol. And it's exhausting.

Dp suggested a childminder 1 session a week maybe so I get 'me' time. Whether that's to relax or get things done. That would be my choice.
I just feel soo guilty for doing that. It feels like I'd be palming her off. Altho she would love it.

We already do baby groups Mon, wed and Fri. And try to squeeze in grocery shopping on a Thurs and other errands. and I help care for a grandparent on a Tues morning
Weekends we have dsd and also have my teen here . So hectic to get things done the weekend.
I doubt I'd use the time to relax as that's just not me and I'd use the time to get things done that I can't with dd in tow. But in a weird way I'd feel relaxed getting things done

Dp does loads when he's here around the house except cook. As I can't eat late as makes me feel ill. And I like to get it done for when he gets in so we can eat as a family with the dcs to sit at the table and catch up on our day. But he does his share in other stuff.

Wibu to use a childminder 1 session a week. Either a morning or. Afternoon? Would I come Across selfish?

Massive tangent.... if you're able to do online shopping it's a lot easier than taking children to the supermarket. Appreciate it's not possible for everyone.

Do it! It will make you a better mother!
It will allow your child to socialise

Just don’t tell people or they will judge. I’d even tell the childminder you are working or studying frankly

My 18m DD does one nursery session a week and has done since she was 15m (youngest they’d take her) and will go up to 2 mornings a week when she’s 2. My nearly 4 year old went from 18m for 2 mornings a week.

I look forward to those 3 hours a week so much. I use them for doing stuff like doctors appointments, haircuts, cleaning, meeting people for coffee and just sitting doing nothing with no one bothering me. I don’t care what others think. I can afford it and it makes my life better.

No one would be judging if your mum was watching your baby for a couple of hours so you could get a pedicure or go to the dentist. Just because it’s paid childcare it doesn’t make it different if you want that time for yourself

My son is three now so at nursery but as he was an April baby he missed out on the free hours til late. My dad paid for him to go to nursery for a morning a week (on my day off work) just so I could get stuff done and relax. Made such a difference to me. Go for it!

I am on maternity leave with my youngest but my eldest still goes to his childminders for 2 days a week and to the village preschool for one morning. It is good for him to spend some time away from me and the baby. He gets to play with new things, have an attachment to another adult and socialise with other children. He loves it and I don’t feel at all guilty.

If I didn’t return to work I would still use some childcare for part of the week- for both the benefits for me and DC.

Just ignore the mummy martyrs. Of course its ok, if you can afford it. I did this when my son was a toddler for one afternoon a week, it helped me get over hideous PND. Just don't waste it doing chores, make sure you take a little time out for yourself.

I wish I'd done it with the older ones, it didn't even cross my mind. For DC3 I returned to work part time but used a CM for the day I didn't work.
In your case with your dh working out of the house a lot during the week plus weekends plus dsc some of the time you could definitely use the break during the week.

Go for it if you can afford it. Or if you were worried she wouldn’t settle well (I know some childcare places suggest that one session can be a bit unsettling as it doesn’t give them much time to get used to being there - but I don’t have any experience of that) then could you pay for a cleaner although that’s obviously not the same as having alone time! Make whatever choice works best for your and you family

I think it's fair enough but if your DD is as clingy as you say then it will take her a long time to "love it", also you may find it difficult to find a cm to take a child for half a day a week.

Go for it. Paid childcare was the only break I ever got until they went to school. No GP ever took them off my hands for a few hours. No sleepovers. No trips to the park. Worth every penny.

My son has just started at a playgroup for two hours once a week, and I've just started maternity leave. We'll increase to two days when a space becomes available. Why? Because he'll benefit from the social side of things, and help make the transition to school a little easier. We've already agreed to put our next baby in nursery a couple of mornings a week at about 12-15 motbhs of age.

Two of my friends are SAHMs, they both have very young children close in age. One has put both are children in nursery a few days a week which means she gets one day to herself to catch up on chores/shopping without trying to wrangle two toddler's, and is then able to spend one on one time with each child whilst the other is in nursery. It works for them. The other will be sending her eldest daughter to nursery as soon as the funding comes in (flying start area).

All families are happy, children are well loved, mums gets time to catch up with things and some rest.

Go for it, OP. Your child will develop social skills and you get rest :)

As a mother you will be judged for everything you do or don’t do. Different people will think different things are right so you can’t win on that one.

You need to do what is best for your family.

I became a SAHM last year and DD still does 2 days a week at nursery to maintain her friendships. I would have considered one day but many setting think one day is not enough.

Please do it. I work 2 days a week but my DD is in for 3 full days and 2 half days. I have no guilt and I am a better mother for it. We have no family help, my DH gets in at 8.30/9pm every day and goes out most Saturdays. We can afford it and my mental health is a million times better for it.

fantasticdog
Kids are older now. Always worked full time. No maternity leave with 1 and 2 as at uni. 6 months off with 3 and 4”

Ah, I see fantasticdog, you’re forming your opinion of what a SAHM’s life is without ever actually having experienced it yourself.

Nursery

(To clarify not experiencing it, I mean that six month maternity leave, knowing you’ll be going back to work, is a very different experience than full time, long-term SAH and invokes a very different mindset, because you know it’s limited.)

I know this reply is totally missing your point but I just wanted to say how refreshing it is to read about a supportive partner! We see it all the time on here partners not helping out, working partner thinking they shouldn't have to do anything at home because they work, thinking the sah parent has it easy etc etc - it is lovely to read that your partner is so supportive and encouraging of making sure you get some "you time" :)

And no I don't think you are being unreasonable. I htink most in your position would be delighted to be able to. Don't worry about those judging you - says more about them than you! xx

The only people who will judge you are the ones who dream of having this option. Go for it. I'm a sahm , I have a cleaner 3 days a week for 6 hours a day. My ds has been in Montessori from 16months half a day mon - friday.

I dont feel a second of guilt. My dh is incredibly supportive. We have a really good trade off. I do all the house stuff and he goes to work. When he gets home he pitches right in equally with ds. And the same with weekends. We have huge respect for each others roles.

Your dp is supportive because he values your role as a sahp and how much you put in. Dont worry about what anyone thinks.

Maybe Langrish but still chose to look after my own children when I wasn’t at work.

I did it with both of my DDs. One day a week in nursery. Don't care what anyone else thought, though I don't actually remember any negative comments, as it worked for us.

You do what works for you, motherhood (and parenting in general) isn’t a competition, just because you looked after your own children without any childcare help, doesn’t make you better or worse than someone who uses a nursery/CM despite being a SAHM.
Don’t let anyone try tell you otherwise

fantasticdog because being at work is mentally stimulating and a break from your children. SAHP don't get that, hence the need for a few hours doing something out of the house or for yourself. If you've never been a SAHP then you can't really empathise.

Go for it. Childcare is so good for them! Even if you only do it for her benefit, so it!

If you need something mentally stimulating and a lunch hour go back to work and put baby in childcare. Putting baby in childcare so you can do a bit of housework, grocery shopping, read a book or whatever else you chose..... reallly? When I was off work for 6 months I got mental stimulation from meeting friends, spending time with partner and attending various clubs with baby and met other mums. If you are a stay at home mum it is not forever either. Children go to school at 4 or 5 and start nursery earlier so there is plenty “me time” there if you choose not to work

When I was in university and ds was in nursery, there would be numerous times I’d be off but still took him to nursery. Sometimes I would just go home and back to bed as I’d been up until 3am writing essays. I never thought about being a poor mum for it, he was having fun and being looked after, and would come home to a not so stressed mum. So go for it!