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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to tell my partner no?

67 replies

GrumpySprout · 09/04/2019 19:39

Hi all,

I have a 9 week old son who is exclusively breast fed. He’s a lovely happy baby and really loves his milk.

For the first few weeks I really struggled with the fact that I felt I was losing myself as I couldn’t even pee without being needed. I’m much better now and breastfeeding is going well.

LO will feed every 2 hours for an hour and likes to nap on someone if possible. He sleeps well at night only waking a couple of times. I do all of his feeding, winding, clothing and nappy changes 24/7.

Now to the point- my DP has told me he wants to start going to the gym again ready for a long stag weekend that’s coming up and then for the summer (I’ve decided not to go on the hen weekend the week before as I don’t want to leave LO with DP as he’s so young and it’s oretty full on). He’d be going to the gym after work for an hour or two.

My problem is, I use the time when DP gets home from work to clean the house, prep food for tomorrow and make dinner. As well as have a quick shower and put a laundry wash on.

If DP starts going to the gym I lose that ‘me’ time so I’ve told him no. However, I feel bad for saying no as he’s only trying to get healthy.

AIBU to not let him go to the gym?

OP posts:

mbosnz · 09/04/2019 19:43

Well, you're not unreasonable to ask him not to go to the gym, and give him the reasons why. You are unreasonable if you think you have the power to 'not let him go to the gym'.

He's not your kid. You're parents, you're learning how to adjust to your new roles and realities as parents, so you need to communicate, and negotiate.

TheChiefBMS · 09/04/2019 19:45

Why does he need to go to the gym to attend a stag do?

Fitness is generally important but must he do this in the next few weeks? Would you really struggle if he did? If you wouldn't struggle and don't mind really, don't object. If you do need the help, tell him so.

Hiphopopotamous · 09/04/2019 19:46

Why is your partner not doing any nappies/bathtime/cuddling to sleep?

PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 09/04/2019 19:46

He’d be going to the gym after work for an hour or two.

If DP starts going to the gym I lose that ‘me’ time so I’ve told him no. However, I feel bad for saying no as he’s only trying to get healthy.

So when does he get to have his 'me' time?

I don’t want to leave LO with DP as he’s so young

You need to stop martyring yourself

Ratatatouille · 09/04/2019 19:48

Ask him how he's going to facilitate you having 2 hours to yourself each evening as well. Perhaps this will illustrate to him that he's being ridiculous and selfish. Does he value the work you do at home and looking after the baby, OP? Because it seems like he thinks your day is just one big jolly vs his day of working hard.

If this were me, I’d be having a very serious conversation about priorities and his view of your current role. He should be wanting to spend time with his new baby. If he is working all day and then spending all evening in the gym, when is he seeing his child? Instead of worrying about how his abs are going to look on his mate’s stag do, he needs to grow up and behave like an adult with a family. I think you’re going to have to be very tough here if he’s going to wrap his head around it.

Traveler001 · 09/04/2019 19:50

So your ‘me time’ is domestic chores and his is the gym? Hahahaha no.

JamB4cream · 09/04/2019 19:50

Both of you deserve some "me" time, sit down with a pen and work out when he gets his two hours and when you get your two hours

FudgeBrownie2019 · 09/04/2019 19:50

Can he go to the gym earlier before work? It sounds a little unbalanced that you're essentially doing 100% whilst he gets to switch off as soon as he finishes work. Staying home and raising his child isn't a Jeremy-Kyle-a-thon with wine and trifle while he grafts, do you think he realises that? Besides that, you're also on-call 24/7 while he gets a good night's sleep and no poopy nappies.

If he's willing to pick up the slack, do some laundry, prep some meals, get up and deal with his child and actually physically help you around the house there's no reason you both can't have some me time. As it is, it's likely to lead to resentment and unkindness and neither is compatible with a happy relationship.

Travis1 · 09/04/2019 19:51

I think Yabu. Sounds like you need to have a division of labour conversation and agree some free time for you both.

frenchknitting · 09/04/2019 19:52

I see your point, but he does need to go to the gym at some stage, if he wants to. Can he go in the morning? I get up at 5am to go to the gym, for example. You need a compromise.

Ratatatouille · 09/04/2019 20:03

Nobody “needs” to go to the gym for two hours every day. Or even go to the gym every day for that matter. That’s called a hobby. Which is lovely, but not many parents of new babies would have time for that. His hobby shouldn’t come at the expense of OP having support or any time to herself at all. Looking after a newborn can be very isolating. I remember so many days counting down the hours until DH would be home to help me or even just keep me company. If he had gone out every night after work I would have been incredibly lonely and low.

Whocansay · 09/04/2019 20:08

You need to find a compromise. You both need downtime, but he needs to be helping with the baby and household chores when he's home. Can he not go to the gym before work or at lunchtime?

And like a PP said, your downtime should be more than doing chores.

I remember how tough it is at this stage. No sleep and cleaning up bodily fluids. It's a killer, but you will get through it.

Livelovebehappy · 09/04/2019 20:09

If it’s just a couple of evenings a week I can’t see why there should be a problem. I guess he could go a couple of nights and you could do your own thing a couple of nights whilst he watches the baby, but reading your post I’m guessing you would refuse to take time for yourself. That’s fine, but it’s not fair to then deny him just a couple of hours twice a week to have time to himself. It’s the gym not sitting at a bar downing pints.

Drum2018 · 09/04/2019 20:11

If he helps with the housework, dinners etc then you both can have some time out to yourselves. Why are you doing it all? Being at home on maternity leave does not mean that you should be doing everything.

Roxyxoxo · 09/04/2019 20:15

Can’t he help with some of the housework? How late is he staying? Surely when he is home there’ll still be time? I don’t think you can stop him, but perhaps you can both find something that works routine wise.

BlackPrism · 09/04/2019 20:16

He can go to the gym at lunchtime or before work. It is not fair for him to want 1-2 hours of him time (even if it is the gym) and this takes all of your chore time. It's not even like he's eating your me time you're literally using it to do chores.

No man would ever think their partner was reasonable to ask this. He has a newborn, that takes priority for a bit.

ZippyBungleandGeorge · 09/04/2019 20:17

I bf but DH changes b nappies, clothes, cuddles, gets him to nap, puts laundry on, does housework, as well as I do. Cleaning and food prep is not you time. How about you go to the gym and he actually looks after his child.

GreytExpectations · 09/04/2019 20:19

I think you are trying to be a martyr. Is DP the father? If so, you really should be able to leave the baby with him. You need to find a balance as you both need me time and the baby's father should be allowed to be involved in the care taking

Raggerty54 · 09/04/2019 20:20

Why does he need to go to the gym? Can’t he have a jog before work- aerobic exercise is much better for the heart. Don’t fool yourself that he’s doing it for health reasons. He wants to look hot for a weekend away, I’d be asking why.

Also, never mind the gym, I’d bloody like some gin but my life no longer revolves around what I want now we have a baby. I’d be absolutely furious if my dp did as little as yours (though he’s not far from it) and wanted a weekend away, plus time to fanny about in the gym for vanity’s sake.

screamifyouwant · 09/04/2019 20:23

You need to compromise
A couple of hours after work every night is unreasonable. A couple of times a week is fair enough.
Perhaps suggest 2-3 times a week for 1 hour max . You should also get some down time . He can't expect to go back to how it was before the baby but at the same time you both should be getting a break . Don't say no to dh sort a compromise.

GrumpyMummy123 · 09/04/2019 20:26

You are both the parents. I'd completely agree with you that he needs to make sure he's pulling his weight at home. Both of your lives have changed completely with the arrival of your new baby. Life will never return to what it was before. Just because life is settling down into more of a routine, it doesn't mean it's reasonable for him to leave you to it all the time.

I'd say there has to be compromise involved. So if he's going to have a couple of hours at the gym a couple of times a week, he needs to basically 'make up' that time in other ways. Perhaps that means you get equivalent 'me' time each week where he is responsible for tasks you'd be doing (food prep, cleaning etc). Or you get a cleaner. Or if you feel up for it you do a class like yoga or gym or something for the equivalent time each week.

In my experience with my DH it's really important to let him know your feelings, and exactly what your concerns are. So let him know that you don't mind him going to the gym, but it has to work around you. Can he go in the morning, or at lunch time instead? So you still get his support when you need it?

All the best x

Meandmetoo · 09/04/2019 20:28

Gym every night? Nope.

I'd be more why he wants to get buff before a stag weekend tbh.

JoinTheDots · 09/04/2019 20:38

Yes to what the others have said.

Fair enough you are breastfeeding (I did too, and would also have said no to the hen do on the same grounds) but your "me" time sounds like it is all housework! You need an actual break now and then. Gym every day for 2 hours is over kill on top of being at work all day, you need down time of you go a crazy.

museumum · 09/04/2019 20:38

Dh and I would both have lost our minds if we didn’t exercise in our baby’s first year.
I ebf so to start with I’d get out for an hour when he got home from work and did bath then I’d come back to bf to sleep.
Later on when his sleep was more I’d go out running after bf to sleep.
Dh would clean the house prep food and make dinner.

In your shoes I’d suggest he does two gym trips then does house stuff when he gets home and you get out twice a week too.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 09/04/2019 21:03

Surely it doesn’t have to be all or nothing? It shouldn’t be that hard to say ‘It doesn’t have to be every night, does it? Because that leaves an awful lot of the childcare to me’.

If you love each other enough to have a baby together, you should be able to have this conversation.

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