Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

AIBU to tell my partner no?

67 replies

GrumpySprout · 09/04/2019 19:39

Hi all,

I have a 9 week old son who is exclusively breast fed. He’s a lovely happy baby and really loves his milk.

For the first few weeks I really struggled with the fact that I felt I was losing myself as I couldn’t even pee without being needed. I’m much better now and breastfeeding is going well.

LO will feed every 2 hours for an hour and likes to nap on someone if possible. He sleeps well at night only waking a couple of times. I do all of his feeding, winding, clothing and nappy changes 24/7.

Now to the point- my DP has told me he wants to start going to the gym again ready for a long stag weekend that’s coming up and then for the summer (I’ve decided not to go on the hen weekend the week before as I don’t want to leave LO with DP as he’s so young and it’s oretty full on). He’d be going to the gym after work for an hour or two.

My problem is, I use the time when DP gets home from work to clean the house, prep food for tomorrow and make dinner. As well as have a quick shower and put a laundry wash on.

If DP starts going to the gym I lose that ‘me’ time so I’ve told him no. However, I feel bad for saying no as he’s only trying to get healthy.

AIBU to not let him go to the gym?

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 09/04/2019 22:06

When does he plan to spend any time with the baby? I think he's being really unreasonable. He has time to breathe at work and now he wants a couple of hours extra time to himself. I think maybe he should come home and YOU should go to the gym, if that's what you want. It would be good for you to get some time to yourself.

So yes, I think he's being selfish and you should tell him to get his priorities right.

Tinyteatime · 09/04/2019 22:08

You should alternate evenings. Of course he can go to the gym, but not every night. He has one evening you get the next. It’s the only fair way. And he should surely be doing some of the housework and cooking?!

Strokethefurrywall · 09/04/2019 22:09

Stop. Being. A. Martyr.

I do all of his feeding, winding, clothing and nappy changes 24/7. Why in God's name do you do everything?? Seriously, why? Why aren't you handing over the baby to your DH to do these things so they become second nature to him? He's not going to do it naturally because he's not going to think about it if you've never let him do it.

You are making a massive rod for your own back. In about 6 months you're going to be on here complaining that your DH doesn't do anything around the house...

VampireSlayer19 · 09/04/2019 22:15

Is there a reason you are doing everything as in he doesn’t want to or have you just taken over everything so he thinks there is no point him being there?

When do you have time together?

You need to be parents together and also partners! If share some of the chores (which can double as exercise) surely would have more time spare?

AvengersAssemble · 09/04/2019 22:23

So you do everything and your Dp does nothing?

Start sharing the workload, some of the housework can be done during the day. Yes baby is only young but you both need time away to do your own stuff.

Billben · 09/04/2019 22:30

I use the time when DP gets home from work to clean the house, prep food for tomorrow and make dinner. As well as have a quick shower and put a laundry wash on.

If DP starts going to the gym I lose that ‘me’ time

What you’ve described up there is not ‘me’ time. It’s housework.

Wheelerdeeler · 09/04/2019 22:30

Oh another mumsnet martyr.

Kaleela · 09/04/2019 22:31

My DH did this to me. It caused a lot of resentment. After a year or two of tolerating it I got sick of being a slave for 12 hours a day so he ended up having to find another time to go to the gym and I would have the exact same amount of time to myself that he has had that day. However we are back to the same routine we originally had (him going straight after work)🤦🏼‍♀️ I can appreciate that that is his break/me time but I have been doing child related stuff all day and he isn't home until DINNER TIME. It is a joke 😩

Rezie · 09/04/2019 22:33

Sound he really go to the gym 5 days a week for 2h? Maybe a compromise that he goes 2 times a week for an hour and maybe once in the morning?

I think you should talk about it. You can explain your view but you really can't say no to an adult. Also I don't think partner should stop the other one from hobbies but it should be equal.

BummyKnocker · 09/04/2019 22:35

It all depends how often he wants to go?

thenightsky · 09/04/2019 22:42

Tell him he can get fit slogging over a hot hoover/washing machine/doing food prep. Like you do in your 'me' time.

CantStopMeNow · 09/04/2019 22:44

If DP starts going to the gym I lose that ‘me’ time
Doing household chores is NOT 'me time' - it's called 'doing housework'.

Why isn't he sharing the workload when he gets back from work?
You need to sort this out now before it becomes a habit/routine and you end up being the skivvy just because you're the default parent.

'Me time' is doing hobbies, relaxing, seeing friends etc.
His 'me time' is going to the gym - but he can't do this every day and use it as an excuse to get out of doing his share of parenting and chores.
You need to decide between you and take turns in having 'me time' whilst the other parent does the evening workload.

Jaffacakebeast · 09/04/2019 23:02

Why can’t he get up earlier and go to the gym b4 work?

Acis · 09/04/2019 23:06

Tell him he can get just as healthy by taking the baby out for long walks in the pram or a sling.

StoppinBy · 09/04/2019 23:14

I would ask him when you can have that amount of time to yourself and also he needs to step the fuck up and start helping more at home from the sound of it.

I had a baby that fed like yours, I was constantly sat in the feeding chair with her, the only thing I would say is to keep an eye on whether he is actively feeding or whether he is just 'hanging on', if he is just hanging on and you wanted to take him off then you don't need to feel bad doing so (by the time my DD was 4 months old I had had enough of being constantly stuck in my chair lol.).

Give him time to think about how to compromise on free time (keeping in mind that b/f does automatically make it harder for you than him, which isn't his fault, although still annoying) then see what he says, I imagine that he will try to come up with a fair compromise if he is a decent person.

Omzlas · 09/04/2019 23:16

'Me time' shouldn't involve laundry, cleaning or tidying. End of.

Get your 'D'H to do more household wise, you're not invincible and he should be doing more.

StoppinBy · 09/04/2019 23:18

Also, I think I understand what you mean when you call the housework 'me' time', while it's really not, it can feel great to hand over the baby and go and do something by yourself while someone else is responsible for your bubba.

Flip

1 2 3