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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to tell my partner no?

67 replies

GrumpySprout · 09/04/2019 19:39

Hi all,

I have a 9 week old son who is exclusively breast fed. He’s a lovely happy baby and really loves his milk.

For the first few weeks I really struggled with the fact that I felt I was losing myself as I couldn’t even pee without being needed. I’m much better now and breastfeeding is going well.

LO will feed every 2 hours for an hour and likes to nap on someone if possible. He sleeps well at night only waking a couple of times. I do all of his feeding, winding, clothing and nappy changes 24/7.

Now to the point- my DP has told me he wants to start going to the gym again ready for a long stag weekend that’s coming up and then for the summer (I’ve decided not to go on the hen weekend the week before as I don’t want to leave LO with DP as he’s so young and it’s oretty full on). He’d be going to the gym after work for an hour or two.

My problem is, I use the time when DP gets home from work to clean the house, prep food for tomorrow and make dinner. As well as have a quick shower and put a laundry wash on.

If DP starts going to the gym I lose that ‘me’ time so I’ve told him no. However, I feel bad for saying no as he’s only trying to get healthy.

AIBU to not let him go to the gym?

OP posts:
sodonesooverit · 09/04/2019 21:12

An hour 2 or 3 times a week fine. And you get an houd completely to yourself both days at the weekend - he can take baby out for a walk. Win win! Where are they going on this stag do that he needs to be fit? Surely pint lifting isn't that intense?

sodonesooverit · 09/04/2019 21:13

*hour, not houd

Bittern11 · 09/04/2019 21:16

I do all of his feeding, winding, clothing and nappy changes 24/7.

Why on earth? You have a partner. Why isn’t he playing his part?

C0untDucku1a · 09/04/2019 21:18

Wtf?! Housework and cooking is not me time!!!! Are you doing everything at home?!

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 09/04/2019 21:22

OP cleaning the house prepping meals and doing laundry isn't 'me time'. Its for the family benefit. Your husbands me time is purely for his benefit.

Firstly why doesn't he help you with the above and nappy changes and other house and baby stuff (when he is home)

Secondly when is your actual me time? Where you get ti relax and switch off and do something just for you?

Maybe if he dies his share and you get a few hours ever6week to go out of read a book or go a walk or whatever then going to the gym wont be an issue

Jebuschristchocolatebar · 09/04/2019 21:23

When do you go out and do anything like go to the gym or get some time out?
Why do you do everything?

adaline · 09/04/2019 21:27

Uh, why are you using all of your "me time" to do all the housework?

Why doesn't your partner help with...well, anything?

pipanchew2 · 09/04/2019 21:28

I managed to find a gym with a baby crèche: it was great as I resented him having his ‘me’ time less as I’d found a way of regularly getting my ‘me’ time. Maybe this is less about him and more about you needing to find a way of getting some space for yourself - it doesn’t have to be him providing it....,

Wallsbangers · 09/04/2019 21:30

You need to work on a compromise over time to yourselves. You both need equal me time.

But, your "me" time cannot be cooking, cleaning, sorting stuff out round the house. That's the shit you should be sharing. And don't fall into the trap of doing everything for baby, you need to share the parenting load or else you'll fine yourself on your knees with exhaustion while chappy is busy working on his abs.

EvaHarknessRose · 09/04/2019 21:32

I think she means she doesn't want to leave the baby for a whole hen weekend which is perfectly reasonable. It's also reasonable to not want to be away from a small breastfed baby at all. I think OP you should discuss it with him, if he could pick up more chores or go for slightly less time or at a different time, it could work.

TidyDancer · 09/04/2019 21:36

I think this depends on how many evenings he wants to go to the gym. I'd be fine with 2-3, but maybe not more.

He doesn't need your permission though OP, but you do have the right to a conversation where you decide a balance that works for both of you.

SandyY2K · 09/04/2019 21:39

I don't think keeping fit stops because you have a baby, but it doesn't sound like him wanting to get back into going to the gym is about keeping fit. Its about looking good. Initially my thoughts were who does he want to look good for, but then I remembered I'm going on a girl's weekend in a few months and I want to look good and trim for it too.

You need to find a better balance allowing you both some down time.

If you allow having a baby to restrict you so much, then one or both of you may not be so keen to have another... although 9 weeks is early days.

DC3dilemma · 09/04/2019 21:39

You look after the baby by day, any housework done is a bonus.

He goes to work by day.

When he gets home, you share remaining housework. Once the housework is done you can then both do as you please (as much as is actually possible for you while baby is fully bf).

The Gym is “hobby” time; he needs to learn to carve it out of what is left of the day when everything else is done, not to just head out and leave you to it.

Wearywithteens · 09/04/2019 21:40

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Petalflowers · 09/04/2019 21:42

Can he just go to the gym once or twice, not every night?

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 09/04/2019 21:44

DC3 has it!

Bambamber · 09/04/2019 21:45

Why can't he go to the gym then come home and do some laundry and cleaning?

Tinkety · 09/04/2019 21:46

I'd be more hmm why he wants to get buff before a stag weekend tbh.

I’m hitting the gym in preparation for a long hen weekend because:

  1. We’re doing adventure activities which requires a decent level of fitness
  1. I want to feel comfortable in my swimsuit even if it’s just us ladies

The OP also says he wants to hit the gym in preparation for summer which many people do around this time of year.

Sculpin · 09/04/2019 21:50

Agree with others - you’re not losing your ‘me’ time, as the way you describe it you spend that time doing essential tasks. So if he wants to go to the gym, he has to do those tasks himself (or find a way to give you time to do them).

sbhf1987 · 09/04/2019 21:50

I was in a similar situation recently. I’m pregnant (due in June) with our first baby. DH works long days, leaves between 5-5.45am & not back until 6-7pm. I have a full on full time job but WFH a lot. We have 2 dogs. He is a very good DH & if he gets home at 7 and I’ve been too tired to walk the dogs or start dinner even after working from home and finishing by 5.30, he will just get it all done.
He decided he wanted to join the gym again, but it was 20 mins from home with no traffic. He asked if I minded, I said yes I do mind but I’m not going to stop you. Why do I mind? 1. He’s knackered as it is and falls asleep early 2. I’m finding it harder to walk the dogs alone so would have to wait for him to get home even later than usual to do it 3. I felt I’d be relied on more to cook dinner when I think it should be equal 4. When I’m stuck at home on maternity leave I don’t want to be waiting until 8pm to see him every night
He understood and we agreed he would PAY AS YOU GO at a different gym when he had time to go.

HopefulAgain10 · 09/04/2019 21:53

Funny how the dp is painted as running off to gym and ducking his responsibilities when the op is a clear martyr. She chose not to go to the hen do because she want to do it all on her own.
She also thinks whether to 'let' him go to the gym.
A true martyr.

Boysey45 · 09/04/2019 21:53

I think hes BU wanting to go on a long stag weekend when he has a baby at home. Surely his priory should be helping with the baby on a weekend ?

Weepingwillow5 · 09/04/2019 21:59

Your baby is only 9 weeks - over the next few weeks the gap between feeds will increase , hopefully baby will get a little quicker at feeding and you’ll probably gradually be able to get him to sleep more in his cot . You will have a bit more time to do things during the day - even if it’s just a little bit each day . You’ll also start feeling more comfortable getting out and about going for coffee with friends or starting going to baby groups . A bit of me time .

Your OH is a bit unreasonable to expect 1/2 hours at the gym each night - suggest he starts a couple of nights a week maybe ? Maybe a couple of nights a week he could help you get some chores done - until baby becomes a bit easier during the day . When that happens maybe you and your OH can have some me time together .

This life is a new one and you’re both still finding your way . Make sure you do it together as a team

bridgetreilly · 09/04/2019 22:01

He can go to the gym provided he also cleans the house, preps food for tomorrow, makes dinner, looks after the baby while you have a quick shower and puts a laundry wash on.

Flaverings · 09/04/2019 22:04

Equal downtime is the best way I think. If he gets two hours, you get two hours.