In law drama.

[Theocdmummy]

My partner and I have a 2 yo daughter and I’m currently pregnant with our second. His family have always been an issue in our relationship but recently it’s gotten worse. About 6 months ago his sisters partner got drunk and told us our daughter should be put down. We were out for a family meal and obviously this shocked me and upset me. Daughter had done nothing ‘wrong’ but he didn’t like how she was eating? ..... I spoke with my partner and his parents after this and both felt it was a silly drunken comment that he meant nothing by. I was not really happy with this but let it go. Now i avoided the brother in law until last weekend when at another family lunch he made disgusting comments about a child’s TV character being a Child molesterer, saying the tv character was going to abuse the other characters, again he said this in front of our daughter. My oh told our daughter that her uncle was being a naughty boy and maybe he needed a smack bum. (We don’t smack our daughter never have) Brother in law then responded that he would smack her (daughter) if she ‘dare touches him’. At this point I got up with my child and left with my partner. We spoke about it at home I obviously got upset again and explained this is getting too much and I don’t want to continue to see him especially with our daughter there, he agree and that’s that. The next day my partner comes home from work having spoken to his mum about what happened. His Mum has said She doesn’t understand how what’s been said has upset us and that we’re being silly to be upset. She explains she won’t get involved (which is fine) and my partner then says he thinks he’ll just have a quiet word and that will be the end of it.

Now my issue is, even though there have only been two ‘big’ issues with this brother in law there have been many awful comments and digs for the duration of our relationship. I’ve been called a gold digger, a dumb blonde, too young to be a mum exp... he’s also purposely upset our daughter hiding her toys and throwing soft balls at her to wind her up.. none of what he’s said about me bothers me but with him now targeting my daughter I’ve had enough.

Am I unreasonable to say no more contact with him? Partner thinks yes and so do his parents. I would never stop the rest of the family seeing her or make them pick sides but have basically said if you see them we won’t come but will see seperate if that makes sense. I’ve been bullied my whole life and it’s not something I want for my daughter especially from a family member.

Does your partner realise that he is on track to be the kind of parent to your daughter that his parents are to him? By failing to stick up for her when it comes to this dickhead and by allowing his parents to condone it, he is continuing the cycle that has lead to their difficult relationship.

Is that what he wants for his daughter growing up? Is that what you want? At the moment, she's oblivious, but as she gets older, she's going to see how he allows her to be treated and it will be almost as bad as him cheering this wanker on if he chooses the easy life for himself over a safe and healthy environment for his daughter.

I thought I'd post an update as my OH and I had a talk.

He apologised for his behaviour initially and explained its from fear of damaged his relationship with his sister. Which I don't want either because ultimately she's done nothing wrong. Her choice in men is questionable at best but never the less she is family..

We agreed it's a no contact rule for the foreseeable with the BIL. We also talked about his parents behaviour and I pointed out that he is acting similarly to our child. I think maybe he didn't realise because he kind of took a step back at that moment and said 'I'd not thought of it like that'. All in all it was a really positive conversation and I feel much better

So the situation is 'handled' per say. We agreed to talk about the wedding when the situation is less raw. Which I'm happy with.

There was a comment about BIL being abusive, I don't think that's the case but I do think he has a 'twisted and dark' sense of humour. Of course nothing would surprise me with him and that's a lot of the reason I'd not want my partner to burn that bridge.
His parents are awful, but his siblings are lovely, moaning about my in laws is another topic for another time haha.

Thanks everyone xx

Aah, that’s great, OP. Well done. Please try to persuade your DH to continue his counselling to help him separate from his family and put you and your dcs (and him, actually!) first.

Glad you managed a talk with your OH.

I agree with getting him to get some counselling for his sake and for you and your little unit's future.

All the best OP!

For some reason he cannot stand up to his parents - something he speaks to a councillor about as they have issues in their relationship aside from this
You might try to encourage him to talk to the councillor about this, and about what he should be doing to protect his child soon to be children from this man, have him tell the councillor what kinds of things this man say to you and the little one. Maybe hearing from someone else that this isn't normal or acceptable behaviour he will be more assertive.

Just want to extend my sympathies OP, because I have a brother who sounds just like your BIL - “twisted and dark” sense of humor aka a total prick .

Have you tried sort of, deadpan, calling him out on it? So rather than an emotional response, which could result in you being accused of overreacting, it could be like:

Prick BIL: Your daughter is eating disgustingly, she should be put down.

You: Erm, did you just say daughter should be put down? What an embarrassing thing for a grown man to say. concerned look

Helps to repeat the comment because enablers usually have selective deafness when it comes to half the comments prick men make. I think a “what an odd comment... are you quite alright?” approach might be more effective. Don’t give him the rise he wants. Don’t let the family paint you as the bad guy by skipping the wedding etc. Rise above!

His sister will be upset initially but he will have to stand his ground and be honest. I wish I could tell you she could change him into a better human being but I doubt it. It doesn't work like that.

Your the one with the problem with the uncle and rightly so. You do not need your DH to get involved falling out with his family when it's your issue. As for the wedding just keep it simple, tell him your happy for him to go, but your DD and yourself will not be attending.

I agree with Avengers leave him to have a relationship with them but you keep out. If they ask him where you are he could tell them you are visiting family. That way there is no conflict and upset. If you have no family and they know this then he could tell them that you are visiting a friend who has just had a baby. You don't have to see them ever again.

You know what they will look at themselves in the mirror eventually and see a twat at the end of it because you and their son isn't falling for it.

As a husband and father his first priority is you and his young daughter.

No man with his nuclear family's best interest in mind would want to expose his young, impressionable daughter even for a moment to someone who abuses, threatens and torments her, or to someone who is inappropriate and ethically fucked up enough not just to make 'jokes' about child molestation (hilarious), but to do it in front of a child. Nor would he insist his wife expose herself to someone who constantly disrespects, insults and name-calls her.

Avengers and teletubbies.

As an adult my partner can make his own choices and I'd never stop him having a relationship with anyone not even horrible BIL. I have said in my previous comments that I'd not come between anyone.

I am keeping myself and my daughters away as is the general consensus from almost everyone on here and who I've spoken to irl...

I would politely disagree in respect to it being only me with the issue though. BIL has upset OH with his treatment of myself and our Daughter.. as I'm sure it would upset any parent and partner to hear such things. I know it would upset me if someone treated him in such a way.

However as I mentioned in my previous comment, we talked about it as a couple and reached an agreement we're both happy with and ultimately I think we've made the best of the situation.