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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In law drama.

86 replies

Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 15:40

My partner and I have a 2 yo daughter and I’m currently pregnant with our second. His family have always been an issue in our relationship but recently it’s gotten worse. About 6 months ago his sisters partner got drunk and told us our daughter should be put down. We were out for a family meal and obviously this shocked me and upset me. Daughter had done nothing ‘wrong’ but he didn’t like how she was eating? ..... I spoke with my partner and his parents after this and both felt it was a silly drunken comment that he meant nothing by. I was not really happy with this but let it go. Now i avoided the brother in law until last weekend when at another family lunch he made disgusting comments about a child’s TV character being a Child molesterer, saying the tv character was going to abuse the other characters, again he said this in front of our daughter. My oh told our daughter that her uncle was being a naughty boy and maybe he needed a smack bum. (We don’t smack our daughter never have) Brother in law then responded that he would smack her (daughter) if she ‘dare touches him’. At this point I got up with my child and left with my partner. We spoke about it at home I obviously got upset again and explained this is getting too much and I don’t want to continue to see him especially with our daughter there, he agree and that’s that. The next day my partner comes home from work having spoken to his mum about what happened. His Mum has said She doesn’t understand how what’s been said has upset us and that we’re being silly to be upset. She explains she won’t get involved (which is fine) and my partner then says he thinks he’ll just have a quiet word and that will be the end of it.

Now my issue is, even though there have only been two ‘big’ issues with this brother in law there have been many awful comments and digs for the duration of our relationship. I’ve been called a gold digger, a dumb blonde, too young to be a mum exp... he’s also purposely upset our daughter hiding her toys and throwing soft balls at her to wind her up.. none of what he’s said about me bothers me but with him now targeting my daughter I’ve had enough.

Am I unreasonable to say no more contact with him? Partner thinks yes and so do his parents. I would never stop the rest of the family seeing her or make them pick sides but have basically said if you see them we won’t come but will see seperate if that makes sense. I’ve been bullied my whole life and it’s not something I want for my daughter especially from a family member.

OP posts:
HowlsMovingBungalow · 09/04/2019 16:59

Totally agree IHateUncleJamie.

sleepylittlebunnies · 09/04/2019 17:03

Sounds like your DP doesn’t want to get involved so it’s no wonder his parents don’t want to take sides. Your DD needs to know that she is safe and protected, unfortunately you can’t rely on DP to do that. No wonder you have lost respect for him, how can he stand by and see his child being spoken to like that and have his partner belittled by him.

What a shame this man is going to be a permanent fixture. Do the IL’s like him? He sounds like he’s trying to look big, exerting his power over everyone. At 22 you have achieved a lot, don’t let him make you feel less than him.

I think it’s going to be up to you to stand up for DD so you need to call him out every time he comes out with a shitty inappropriate comment. It sounds like you DP backs you up at the time then gets cold feet after, so his instincts are correct but his odd relationship with his parents makes him question himself.

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 17:11

sleepylittlebunnies

Thank you for that response. I would definitely agree. I think my oh has a fear of ruining the relationship with his parents. Again I don’t understand why because they’re awful to him but he feels because they’re his parents he has a level of loyalty and ‘owes’ them. It’s all very strange and very far from what I’m used to. I love my parents but I’m also not afraid to speak up when upset with them..

It’s a very strange situation indeed.

I’m again in no way defending him but I do feel my own guilt because I also don’t want to cause my partner anymore upset about his parents and their already strained relationship but how can I ignore this. My moral compass needs to sod off really so I can be angry guilt free...

OP posts:
GoodGravy · 09/04/2019 17:16

You do not have to go to this wedding at all and your DD certainly does not have to be a bridesmaid.
If she was a bridesmaid it could cause big problems for you -- how could you protect her in that kind of situation (a wedding, where people may be drinking) from this awful person who already thinks she is somehow less than human and who has threatened to hit her for something she had not done or said?
I wouldn't risk it.
I think you'd be much happier staying away and if anyone asks why you're not going just tell them the truth. You have nothing to hide.

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 17:21

I know.. I think by saying no to the wedding it will upset my partner and I’ll some how be the villain of this story.. I’m fine with that. It’s what needs to be done.

OP posts:
finnmcool · 09/04/2019 17:21

I can't wrap my head around the sister and grandparents not saying anything at the time.
Whatever the feelings for you are, this is their niece and grandchild who is being treated so horribly.

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 17:27

You will have to be brave and make a stand don't go to the wedding. Take your DD out for the day instead and let your dh go.

GinAndTings · 09/04/2019 17:27

Keep them all at arms length. Be polite but try not to spend any/too much time with them. He sounds like a right prick.

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 17:32

finnmcool

I know. I really don’t care what they think of me because I don’t think much of them.. but my poor kids done nothing wrong. Breaks my heart that these people are her family. With a family like that who needs enemies ay!

OP posts:
Mitzimaybe · 09/04/2019 17:37

You might want to read the book Toxic In-laws by Susan Forward. Sounds like your DH is mired in the FOG (fear, obligation and guilt.) You might find some support on the Stately Homes thread.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2019 17:38

I think your child is of top priority. To hell with other people’s opinions/feelings. She is the most important. If that means causing issues, then so be it, particularly if your DP won’t stick up for her and you.

Littletabbyocelot · 09/04/2019 18:05

Would it help your dp to think of external consequences?

Your dd is reaching the age where she will repeat and reframe things. What will the nursery do if she tells a friend the story about druggie, or if she uses those words to report that daddy did that to mummy? Maybe that will be easier for him to take on board than accepting how harmful their behaviour is.

finnmcool · 09/04/2019 18:12

Maybe it should be pointed out to your partner, that he is setting up his daughter to have the same shit feelings he has regarding his relationship with his family.
Thank goodness you're standing up for your daughter.
Don't worry about being the villain, it will be good practice for the teenage years Grin

Nomorechickens · 09/04/2019 18:41

I would be going no contact with him if he had said that about my dog, let alone my child! And I wouldn't want anything to do with all the family who didn't think there was anything wrong with what he had said. Unless he had apologised big time and made excuses.

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 19:02

Thanks for all the responses.

I've calmed my guilt especially after the general consensus (from sane people) that I'm doing the right thing. Hopefully I can talk calmly to my partner whose just got home. Wish me luck haha!!

OP posts:
BloodsportForAll · 09/04/2019 19:24

Good luck

Nanny0gg · 09/04/2019 19:34

Middle-class my arse!

That's not any kind of class behaviour!

As to that pig's future wife - she should have been the first to say something!

Don't go to the wedding and don't let your DD be bridesmaid.

Maybe your DP needs to bring this incident up in counselling. Might open his eyes.

TinyGhostWriter · 09/04/2019 19:41

Here is another slant on the situation -

You say that your SIL is guilty by association as she hasn’t challenged his inappropriate comments, but could something else be going on?

There are some massive red flags in his behaviour- disrespecting her family like that in front of her. Could this be a form of co-ercive control? He could be doing this on purpose to play games with her and see her reaction. ( making her pick sides too).

He could be pushing boundaries to see how far he can go, while still keeping your PIL on side here.

You don’t mention any strain in your relationship with SIL, only the difficult personality of her partner. Ultimately she would be the one harmed when you don’t attend her wedding and to the outside eye it would make you look like the unreasonable ones. Classic manipulation strategies for someone who wants to reduce a partners support network.

How awful that your SIL is going to marry this man and perhaps have children with him in the future. And loose contact with her brother to boot.

Before you go NC - your DP needs to think about his relationship with his sister. By all means offer him support, but he is the blood relation here.

Perhaps your DP could in a non confrontational way, approach your SIL and her partner ( in a sober environment) without the PILs and state exactly what aspects of behaviour has been inappropriate and that it is making you both reconsider whether or not you want your daughter to be at their wedding.

He could provide him with an ultimatum. Let them know he is not willing to have your daughter as a bridesmaid or attend the wedding if he continues acting like this towards/ around your daughter. Then the onus lies with your SIL’s partner - it will be on him if you don’t attend.

Travis1 · 09/04/2019 19:47

You are definitely doing the right thing. Sounds like your dp is trapped in fog.

KC225 · 09/04/2019 19:57

The comments although upsetting to you I would have dismissed as he clearly an attention seeking, immature knuckle dragger. But hiding toys and throwing balls at a two year old is just weird.

It must be disappointing that our DH and PILs are prepared to accept Hus behaviour but I think you are right to distance your daughter from this idiot. He is not funny.

I would contact the sister and say on second thoughts DD is being very clingy at the moment at the moment and you don't think will be a good idea for her to be a bridesmaid but you appreciate her asking. I would then arrange for DD to be looked after by your family for the day/evening. Go to the wedding (with loads of photos on your phone to show the Aunts and Uncles) it will be easy to avoid him and it won't be awkward for your DH or his parents.

I would then avoid your DD being near him. Invite the grandparents for a BBQ or dinner or a park picnic etc. Don't take your DD over there if you know he will be there, and definitely do take DD out for dinner/lunch when you know he will be there.

user1498572889 · 09/04/2019 20:02

She is your daughter and you need to tell this bloke yourself that you don’t like him and you think he is a twat and not to talk to or about your daughter until he has grown up. In a few years when he has his own kids remind him of what he said and watch him squirm.

Raspberry10 · 09/04/2019 20:11

You have a massive DP problem, your BIL shouldn’t be allowed anywhere near your baby girl. Does your DP look up to him as he’s older or something?

My DH’s Granny didn’t like me because I’m from London Hmm anyway she started taking this out on DD when she was a baby. DH took DD to visit his Gran on his own, I stayed home because why bother? As soon as he walked through the door with DD, she said ‘God, she’s gotten really fat!’ About a 4 MONTH old baby!!! He turned round walked straight out the door and she didn’t see DD again until she was 10. That is the kind of reaction you need. Your DP needs to grow up and protect his children.

FauxJoMalaux · 09/04/2019 20:35

OP, my sympathy for the situation you are in... I’m currently in process of separating from my DH as he would not stand up to his family and put them before me and our DC consistently.

Splitting up is hard but it all came to a head and I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Hopefully your DC will see sense.

Giddyuppp · 09/04/2019 20:44

YADNBU. I can't believe people have tried to brush what's been said under the carpet, his comments were disgusting.

boosterrooster · 09/04/2019 21:09

OMG he sounds awful. I'd be quite worried about having my child around him. He sounds like the type that could hurt a child. Those comments are awful. You are not being unfair at all!!

I've learned this past year, after several years of upset, that it's absolutely A ok to suit yourself and keep your distance from your ILs if you see necessary. Do what's right for you.