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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In law drama.

86 replies

Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 15:40

My partner and I have a 2 yo daughter and I’m currently pregnant with our second. His family have always been an issue in our relationship but recently it’s gotten worse. About 6 months ago his sisters partner got drunk and told us our daughter should be put down. We were out for a family meal and obviously this shocked me and upset me. Daughter had done nothing ‘wrong’ but he didn’t like how she was eating? ..... I spoke with my partner and his parents after this and both felt it was a silly drunken comment that he meant nothing by. I was not really happy with this but let it go. Now i avoided the brother in law until last weekend when at another family lunch he made disgusting comments about a child’s TV character being a Child molesterer, saying the tv character was going to abuse the other characters, again he said this in front of our daughter. My oh told our daughter that her uncle was being a naughty boy and maybe he needed a smack bum. (We don’t smack our daughter never have) Brother in law then responded that he would smack her (daughter) if she ‘dare touches him’. At this point I got up with my child and left with my partner. We spoke about it at home I obviously got upset again and explained this is getting too much and I don’t want to continue to see him especially with our daughter there, he agree and that’s that. The next day my partner comes home from work having spoken to his mum about what happened. His Mum has said She doesn’t understand how what’s been said has upset us and that we’re being silly to be upset. She explains she won’t get involved (which is fine) and my partner then says he thinks he’ll just have a quiet word and that will be the end of it.

Now my issue is, even though there have only been two ‘big’ issues with this brother in law there have been many awful comments and digs for the duration of our relationship. I’ve been called a gold digger, a dumb blonde, too young to be a mum exp... he’s also purposely upset our daughter hiding her toys and throwing soft balls at her to wind her up.. none of what he’s said about me bothers me but with him now targeting my daughter I’ve had enough.

Am I unreasonable to say no more contact with him? Partner thinks yes and so do his parents. I would never stop the rest of the family seeing her or make them pick sides but have basically said if you see them we won’t come but will see seperate if that makes sense. I’ve been bullied my whole life and it’s not something I want for my daughter especially from a family member.

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 09/04/2019 16:28

God lets hope they decide not to have children I’m sure they’re end up in care with a father like that.

Anyone who throws things at my child would get a punch in the face quite frankly.

Rainbunny · 09/04/2019 16:28

To be honest, your DP's family sound trashy and unpleasant to be around. I'd stay far away from them, your DP can deal with them. I'd probably go to the wedding but only the ceremony then I'd go back home with my DD.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 09/04/2019 16:29

So your partner won't stop this twat from verbally abusing your small child because he doesn't want to rock the boat?

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 16:31

The family are very middle class and all about keeping up appearances so I think they want to save face rather than deal with a blow out. Not that I want to create drama I literally want to say nothing and leave the situation. But generally they are quite horrible people too. The wedding is really awkward because daughters been asked to be a bridesmaid.. how can I let her be involved when it’s with him. It’s all such a bloody mess!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 16:33

Yes, basically. I think he’s spineless! It’s really creating an awful divid in our relationship and Generally he’s a good man. But this situation has shown me a side if im honest, I find disappointing in my partner. I still love him so very much but I’m very let down by it all. How can he not put his baby girl first?

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 09/04/2019 16:33

He's a nasty bully and sadly the rest of the family won't stand up to him.

At a wedding he's unlikely even to have time to talk to you, so you could go - or be ill that day - without it being such a big issue. The in-laws won't want to do anything to upset their daughter's big day.

After that, you can just refuse to go places where he'll be. Your DP can go alone, but don't let him take your DD. If that means that grandparents don't see their DGD so much, that's for them to resolve.Just keep repeating that he bullies a 2 yo, and therefore you will protect your daughter from him.

BMW6 · 09/04/2019 16:34

You have a partner problem. A very very big one.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 09/04/2019 16:37

I think you should stomp out this bollocks 'people pleasing' behaviour with your partner.

Tell him you and child won't be attending the wedding because of the abusive brother in law and that he isn't welcome in your house. It is that simple - if your partner rows with you over this, I'd be questioning why your partner is ok to allow this shitty behaviour towards your daughter.

Your partner needs a backbone.

longtimelurkerhelen · 09/04/2019 16:37

It's not a mess. Don't go or let your daughter attend.

He said she should be PUT DOWN. This alone would be no contact for me (and my DH would have probably punched him). He has basically said your daughter is not a human.

Just tell (don't ask) that you will not be seeing this man again, no discussion.

Jaxhog · 09/04/2019 16:39

YANBU, I'd avoid him. If they don't like it maybe they should have stuck up for their grandchild when he was targeting her.
This

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 16:41

I couldn’t agree more about partner needing a backbone! It’s simple or at least in my eyes. He’s mostly a good man but this has shocked me to my core.

I don’t want to go to the wedding but realise it will create further issues with the wider family who aren’t involved i.e other uncles and aunties, I also worry about when our baby is born that it will be awkward with everyone meeting. I don’t want him to meet her obviously but I wouldn’t dream of stopping the sister as she’s not done anything wrong. Although she has witnessed the behaviour and done nothing so is guilty by association I guess? I think I just worry about causing too many issues too. I know cutting contact is the right thing but I feel a level of guilt with it too.

OP posts:
Provincialbelle · 09/04/2019 16:42

He sounds about as funny as a fart in a lift. Ditch him completely.

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 16:44

And agreed, when he said that I got so upset. Our daughter has no idea what it meant but she does copy things people say. Can you imagine if she asked what it meant? How would I explain that to my baby girl?? Absolutely awful!

OP posts:
LordNibbler · 09/04/2019 16:48

Look, people who stand by and allow that behaviour are condoning it and I'd have nothing to do with any of them. Your partner is a disgrace quite frankly, anyone who allows someone to treat their child like that doesn't deserve to be a father.

IHateUncleJamie · 09/04/2019 16:49

I always ask people like your DH whether they’d tolerate a friend or acquaintance treating people like that. More often than not, the answer is “Of course not”. Just because people are related, doesn’t make them any more entitled to behave like an abusive horror. You would protect your child from a bloke down the road who behaved like that, wouldn’t you? There’s your answer.

People who sit on the fence or won’t take sides when there is a clearcut case like this are enablers.

If your DH wants to continue seeing this man then that’s his choice. For your dd’s sake though, keep her well away. Your DH can go to the wedding, you and dd do not have to. And don’t trust your DH’s parents with your dd. They can see her if you are there and the BIL is nowhere near.

HopefulAgain10 · 09/04/2019 16:50

Nah you dont have an in law problem you have a husband problem. Seriously, your husband thing yabu to not want to have anything to do with him. He sounds pathetic, what parent passes off a comment about their child being put down, as something to look past.
A pathetic parent that is.
If your dh stood up and made a big deal about it and put that man in his place, none of them would dare treat you or your child like this.
This would be a deal breaker for me.

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 16:52

He might fancy you op it might explain why he is so obsessed with you.

longtimelurkerhelen · 09/04/2019 16:52

Why should you feel guilty, you didn't say disgusting things to a child. This is a situation that your BIL made.

What if he did actually hit her, you would be held responsible for not keeping her safe.

HowlsMovingBungalow · 09/04/2019 16:53

We are almost conditioned to put up with awful behaviour within the family because it is family.

You don't need to carry any guilt around because you are parenting well and don't want your daughter subjected to an abusive family member. You and daughter and soon to be born daughter deserve to protected against abusive people.
Life is really too short to have this shit in your life OP.

For me it would be professional help ie couples counselling or the highway.

IHateUncleJamie · 09/04/2019 16:53

OP look up “Boiling Frog Syndrome”; it sounds like your DH comes from a toxic family. Because that’s his “normal”, he probably can’t see how awful his family is. That’s not his fault BUT it is his responsibility to get counselling and above all, protect his child(ren). Flowers

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 16:54

You and your partner needs to make a stand you and your child matter not the grandparents or the abusive uncle. Your partner should by all rights go no contact for a while to leave them to think about them being arseholes to children.

PaddyMcGintysGoatee · 09/04/2019 16:57

Sounds very like my BIL. He’s a nasty bastard, but DH and PIL have been around him for so long that they don’t notice how awful he is. In the past when I’ve complained about him, my DH has always said “Just ignore him, he’s always been an idiot”. Took me 10 years to realise I had to go NC with him.

I think you will one day end up going NC with this future BIL. Probably best to do it sooner rather than later, and save yourself a lot of upset. Oh, and keep DD away from him. His behaviour around her is worrying, to say the least.

teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 16:57

I don’t want him to meet her obviously but I wouldn’t dream of stopping the sister as she’s not done anything wrong. Although she has witnessed the behaviour and done nothing so is guilty by association I guess?

His sister is probably slagging you off to her fiance why else is he an arsehole to you and your child. Its come from her and comes out of him to you.

Original poster
Theocdmummy · 09/04/2019 16:57

I've seen a lot of comments about my partner and I completely agree. He should have said something at the time and he should stand up for her now.

I am not defending him but he and his parents have a strained relationship generally and he is 'scared' of them. They are (in my opinion and from what I've witnessed) emotionally abusive to him anyhow. I don't know why he maintains a relationship with them..

I don't know how to discuss it with him without it being an argument. He has agreed no contact but has also said he thinks I am being unreasonable to be upset which is what I'm more hurt by. Yes, he should have acted at the time.. but then again I could have said something too. If I'm honest it was more the shock that kept me quiet and just put my 'we need to leave as quickly as possible' hat on.

It's an awful situation it's tearing us apart. Obviously I don't want that but I don't want my partner to excuse awful behaviour either. It's certainly a situation I never expected to find myself in.

OP posts:
teletubbies123 · 09/04/2019 16:58

Stop being so naive you have children to protect.

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