On holiday with dp and his parents.. AIBU

[bellareena]

On holiday with dp and his parents. Didn't realise how hard it would be! Am I just being really nasty here or does anyone else get what I mean... there's no privacy, Mum keeps mothering him and making remarks "he's got a poorly leg watch out" that was me just passing by his legs (dp had a motorbike incident prior to the holiday)
I just feel suffocated. Not helping with dp as he's just listening mostly to them, whatever they wanna do he does not thinking of the kids at all. I feel I can't complain, this was dps Christmas present from "us" he's paid for it all and I know I should try stay put n let them enjoy their holiday but it's hard, we have another three nights and four days. It just feels all too much
Should I say something? It's annoying as we're staying in a gite n it's very compact so u can hear convos from even upstairs !! I don't dare say anything incase they hear!! Maybe I feel a bit left out because they're both sitting in the front with dp in the transporter - I'm at the back with the kids which isn't any fun picnic, feels like I'm a babysitter if anything. I feel guilty for these thoughts 

Suck it up, take the good advice here about tryign to carve out some time for you with the kids, and say never again.

My parents made the mistake of booking a deceptively TINY house for a holiday. The whole place was about 4" damn square, in a village without any redeeming features. To make it worse, my sister and I were at that mid teen age to be thoroughly unimpressed and miserable about it.

There isn't just one way to love your children, though. I mean, once they are adults and living their own lives it is inappropriate to continue to treat them as if they are still children. To be healthy, the role needs to shift to acknowledge them as equals. That means recognising that certain things are no longer your role - just as you no longer change their nappies, you are no longer in charge of their physical wellbeing or the space around them, and there is therefore no need to tell a partner to keep a distance from their injured limb. It doesn't mean that you stop 'mothering' - just that it happens in a different way. Families where this doesn't happen are almost uniformly dysfunctional in some way.

say I am taking the DC to x place for a couple of hours, so you can all have some space.

Hard for them to argue with this.

A mummy's boy can't be very attractive sexually. Maybe point that out?!

And this.

Do you want time away from the DC? If so, plonk them in front of the GP/DH and tell them you are off to find a glass of blanc de blanc in the local village. They will probably enjoy the chance to have the DC without your input.
My MIL loves ‘mothering’ my DH. I used to resent it, but now my DS is a young adult, I get where she is coming from.
To late for this holiday, but if there is a next time with in-laws, I produce a plan of activities, including dining arrangements, for MIL and DH. A bit controlling, but I can see where I will get my family time and it saves those endless discussions where we all try not to upset each other and all end up doing what we don’t want to. DH can now see the sense in it and it is the only way I can enjoy the holiday.
Try to find a few happy moments.

Say to dp and in-laws that in order to make the holiday really special it is important that they spend time together. You will be going out for the afternoon to give them quality time. Give them no time to protest. Have your bag and keys ready.

Another idea is offer to go and collect the takeaway and be gone forever. It’s not your fault the queue was several people deep.

Take the children on a nature walk, a very very long one. The fresh air will do you good.

Clean out the car and wash the car for the journey home.

A migraine will buy you a few hours off.

A sick bug will buy you two days of peace. Sound effects needed

Ladies problems will give you a few hours

Long bath?
Long shower every day

Chat to the neighbours, if they are not serial killers invite them in to dilute the in laws

Go out shopping every day for ‘essentials’

Book a spa treatment

Try and go out to eat

Drink copious amounts of wine, this will take the edge off.

It’s only a few days you can do this

Acis Completely off topic, but I don't understand the transporter reference

I assume from the context it is the vehicle? The VW Transporter?

“ People say we have a lovely relationship, not that I'm a 'mummy's girl'.”

Yep. This. There is no such thing as a “mummy’s girl”. And “daddy’s girl” is usually looked on indulgently.
Oh and nobody says women should “cut the apron strings” or think it’s bizarre if they chat to their mums every couple of days.

I can’t see what they’re doing that’s that annoying really. Looking out for their adult son? What else is getting on your nerves?

“I can’t see what they’re doing that’s that annoying really”
They are a woman’s in laws. They came out of the cupboard where they should live until required!

But plenty of women do have mothers who they feel suffocate and over-mother them and treat them like a child, and they don't see that as a good relationship. It may not be called being a "mummy's girl", instead the mother tends to be called overbearing or interfering.

A "mummy's boy" is a man who has this type of over-involved relationship and doesn't object to it, because he likes feeling like a child. A lot of these men are probably the ones who we would call a "manchild" in relation to their partner.

Queen - nicely put!

The leg thing. No saying "mind his leg" once or twice is not in itself a big thing. But when it's part of a pattern and goes on constantly, it's done to send a message: "Only I can look after my special boy, you [his partner] don't sufficiently care about him or understand his needs." It gets infuriating because OP knows to mind his leg and knows what he is and isn't capable of but the DP will play along with his mum and play the ickle soldier. It gives him an excuse to ignore his own kids and partner's feelings too.

A man can have a close, loving relationship with his mum/parents that doesn't involve reverting to a child and not taking any adult responsibility for his own family.

downcasteyes thanks, I have not been given a before! :o

I had never heard of a Gite before either so assumed typo too @BadLad

I've been on holiday with my in laws most years for about 10 years so I do get how irritating it can be - yours doesn't sound anything more than normal irritating spending so much time with people who you are not used to spending that much time with.

I know this is their Christmas present but I don't think that gives them any right to dictate what everyone does 24/7. You and even more importantly, the children should be able to do things you want to do too. Some of those activities can and should be joint activities even if one or done of the party don't particularly enjoy it. For example, I don't love bowling but I know my in laws and my children do so when we go away we often have a game or two of bowling.

You should feel free to have time away from each other especially to allow the children to run off steam doing something they enjoy which I think will make them more receptive to doing things they don't enjoy,

Why not go out for dinner with dh while PIL babysit?

Something that jumped out at me having read the post that @Satwatchinganotherswimlesson put up - " have to go on holiday with my MIL every year. I could have written this post. My husband switches between being a total mummy’s boy and a vile teenager. He will not lift a finger. I find it incredibly claustrophobic."

If I were you in this situation, I would have a word with my DH if he carried on like that and I'd say "What sort of an example are you setting for our children? They are seeing their Dad, a functioning adult behaving like a toddler. A holiday is only a holiday if we're all able to relax. Your mum is picking up after you like you're 4 years old, yet you are an adult. I won't put up with this sort of carry on from you and neither should your mother. Sort out your own stuff (whatever she is doing for him)"

Op, honestly, with everything that's gone on in the past did you really Seriously think this was going to be a great holiday to begin with?

So are they segregating themselves by going to sit outside in the van leaving you to look after the children? That's incredibly bad manners and you need to have words with your DP about it. Or maybe send the kids in to join them so you can have peace and quiet on your own.

I think we can assume the more likely situation that, when they go out for trips in the transporter, the GPs sit in the front of the transporter with her DP, while she sits in the back of the transporter with the kids.

"A "mummy's boy" is a man who has this type of over-involved relationship and doesn't object to it."

Is he a mummy's boy op? In general I mean, not just on this holiday?

How often does he see them, speak to them?

Is this your only holiday this year?

If you see them infrequently and you will have two more holidays without them this year, just speak up about what's upsetting you and endure the next few days.

If he is a mummy's boy, sees them every few days, or if this is your only precious holiday this year then you still need to speak up but I could find more sympathy.

And fwiw, when my dd had an injury, I told her dh that he wasn't doing enough for her and that he needed to look after her better, so I guess I am very much seeing this from the other perspective.

I’d never in a million years go on such a holiday.

Thank you all for the responses
It has been a nightmare, his mum is someone I can only describe as an alpha female. She's always been like this and will say "he's my baby" referring to my dp then will usually go on to tell me the anecdote about him breastfeeding for 6 years
I do get on with her and I can't complain because her and dps dad look after baby two days a week - two long days a week n even come to pick her in the morning which is about at 25 min drive with no traffic.

So, for the posters who mentioned about them babysitting whilst me & dp going out : fat chance of that!! Dp wouldn't dream of it, he thinks they do way too much already and keeps reiterating it's their holiday.

Never mind, I've taken all advice on board. Gritting & baring it. I did suggest "oh me and dd haven't sat at the front yet" so I had the pleasure of driving a two hour mile trek up front whilst they were at the back e entertaining baby

For the poster who got it spot on and the pic which is the exact same vehicle! Yes, it's a VW transporter; 3 seats in the front and 3 at the back. His mum doesn't like to sit in the back of cars apparently hence why I was banished to the back with dds. But again, I think this is a control/take over thing. She wants to be sat right next to dp as well.

The Gite is very comfortable but small so you can literally hear someone pissing from upstairs ! I haven't had a word with dp yet but he got that I was annoyed from body language/lack of communication and has asked my opinions in doing things now.

Two days left to go.....

And the poorly leg comment wasn't mad just once it was about four times!

She had kept repeating it because the 16 month old dd was trying to shuffle past him, but the way she did it was hinting at me like I was so bad for letting her n I should be scolding her : a baby who doesn't know any different

Making me love my MIL even more. We have occasional weekends together, she books separate accommodation for our family and happily makes sure we have something nice planned for the day. It makes for a pleasant evening meal together where you are very happy to catch up and relax together. My MIL is very wise and much loved.

@GylesYronwood

I would definitely class him as a "parents boy" not particularly a mummies boy but if you see my posting history, you'll see how Iv written posts about him going places only IF his dear parents are coming

He could happily have them over every day and not mind. This happens a lot anyway as they look after baby dd twice a week and then we'll go over to theirs on the weekend and sometimes they pop into ours so we see them around 3-4 days a week!!

I don't mind too much but I think being on this holiday has definitely taken its toll on me they're all very extroverted as well whilst I'm an introvert and my way of relaxing would be sitting snug on the settee reading a book with some hot chocolate, whilst theirs is drinking (a shitload), chatting loads and having music on full blast or watching mindless tv progs.