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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

On holiday with dp and his parents.. AIBU

79 replies

bellareena · 09/04/2019 10:25

On holiday with dp and his parents. Didn't realise how hard it would be! Am I just being really nasty here or does anyone else get what I mean... there's no privacy, Mum keeps mothering him and making remarks "he's got a poorly leg watch out" that was me just passing by his legs (dp had a motorbike incident prior to the holiday)
I just feel suffocated. Not helping with dp as he's just listening mostly to them, whatever they wanna do he does not thinking of the kids at all. I feel I can't complain, this was dps Christmas present from "us" he's paid for it all and I know I should try stay put n let them enjoy their holiday but it's hard, we have another three nights and four days. It just feels all too much
Should I say something? It's annoying as we're staying in a gite n it's very compact so u can hear convos from even upstairs !! I don't dare say anything incase they hear!! Maybe I feel a bit left out because they're both sitting in the front with dp in the transporter - I'm at the back with the kids which isn't any fun picnic, feels like I'm a babysitter if anything. I feel guilty for these thoughts

OP posts:

GylesYronwood · 09/04/2019 10:56

So DP gave his parents this holiday as their Christmas present?

Well then I think that they should be allowed to enjoy it, do what they want to do, spend precious time with their son.

You complain that they want you included, and also that they don't include you. So which is it?

The single example - saying 'watch his leg' as you passed it, is nothing at all.

PP have called him a mummy's boy. Holidaying with your parents, enjoying their company, doesn't make you that.

You have said that you don't want to say anything incase they hear. So how are they to know how you feel? Surely, at the very least, cuddled up in bed with dh, you can tell him that you feel a little (unintentionally) excluded?

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 10:56

"Mum keeps mothering him and making remarks "he's got a poorly leg watch out" that was me just passing by his legs (dp had a motorbike incident prior to the holiday)"

I hate this. It always feels laden with power to me, women competing for the supreme prize of male attention and favour. It infantilises men and it splits women apart and prevents everyone from behaving like rational adults.

InACheeseAndPickle · 09/04/2019 10:56

I'd have a whispered conversation with DH at least about choosing activities that are suitable for kids. Or just say "that probably won't interest DC so why don't you guys go and I'll take the kids to the beach" at the time.

I would try to suck it up as best you can. I would be getting irritated too but it's probably exacerbated being in close quarters, once you're home it won't feel as bad.

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 10:57

Sorry Gyles but what the OP describes is absolutely Mummy's boy behaviour. And it is really not attractive.

cushellekoala · 09/04/2019 11:00

I am going away with the IL this summer (DH invited them without asking me first - i would have said no thanks!!😂) i will definitely be doing stuff without them as MIL hates going out/doesn't like the beach/complains about eating out and FIL thinks literally everything that costs more than 3p is a fortune and doesnt want to pay for it!!

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 09/04/2019 11:02

Gites aren't a new thing, I stayed in one with my parents in France probabkt aroybd 24 years ago!

I think you just have to suck it up now you are there, but make a reminder to to yourself not to commit to anything like this again. Or if your DP want to give them a gift like this again he can go away with the kids and his DP and you have a break yourself! It must be so frustrating, I get along with my inlaws, they are lovely, but I think spending too much time with anyone in that close quarters would be a test to my relationship with them! Luckily my DH feels the same, staying with them for a few days is fine, but a week, is a long time!

ravenmum · 09/04/2019 11:03

Were you honestly expecting a holiday like that to be enjoyable?

Meretricious · 09/04/2019 11:04

Send them out for dinner as part of their present? Sit in the front. Take the kids out on their own?

LumpyPillow · 09/04/2019 11:05

Start speaking up, give em a bloody shock.. ‘Yes I know his legs are there Jean, I’ve been caring for this man and navigating around his body for xx years now thank you.‘ it releases the tension and you can let go of it instead of suffering in silence and seething.

Talk to your husband about it, ask him to just walk outside with you for a moment,. You’re not a babysitter, even if it is their present, he should have more respect for your feelings.

Cherrysoup · 09/04/2019 11:05

Who are these people saying it’s the pil’s holiday so suck it up? This poor girl is there with her dc, who are probably bored shitless! I’d be researching some local family fun trips out, OP and demand that you go. Mil can stay home with her ds and look after his ‘poorly leg’ do fuck off with the baby talk!

AnnaMagnani · 09/04/2019 11:06

For God's sake, say something.

Say something to your DP about how you are going insane and activities need to include you and the kids.

And plan how life is going to be different on your return. If your ILs are dominating your lives, perhaps they can cope with being a bit insulted? After all, you are currently being insulted all the time.

GylesYronwood · 09/04/2019 11:06

I disagree downcast. I am close to my mum. I talk to her most days and visit her weekly, and sometimes she comes on holiday with us. People say we have a lovely relationship, not that I'm a 'mummy's girl'.

But men, for some reason, are not allowed to enjoy spending time with their mum.

Of course she's mothering him. She's his mother. She loves her son as much as all of us love our dc and that doesn't stop when they're adults. She's loving being on holiday with him, and spending time with him. Personally I would enjoy the fact that she's looking after him so that I don't have to!

OP, if you feel like the babysitter then you need to be a bit more assertive. If they are sitting at the front of the house, why are you sitting at the back? If they suggest activities that aren't child friendly, say that. If they insist, go along and let them see the consequences of taking little children on inappropriate activities. If you need some time alone, leave them with the dc and go to your room or for a walk. If you end up babysitting, say 'I've had dc all morning, can you take them?'. Don't be a martyr, if you don't ask they don't know you're not happy.

ravenmum · 09/04/2019 11:07

if I do anything on my "own" or away from them they take this an insult I don't like them!!
Let them be insulted. That way, they won't want to do this again.

downcasteyes · 09/04/2019 11:07

"Were you honestly expecting a holiday like that to be enjoyable?"

It's a question of degree, isn't it? You can expect not to enjoy something and still be surprised at how difficult it is to cope or how it's affecting you.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 09/04/2019 11:12

This isnt a holiday OP....this sounds like torture to me.Grab your husband and shake his balls into gear...

Acis · 09/04/2019 11:12

Completely off topic, but I don't understand the transporter reference. A gite is just a cottage, isn't it? Do you mean they're sitting outside with your GP?

HappySonHappyMum · 09/04/2019 11:12

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and put other people first. I have been on lots of holidays with my FIL who as a widowed man has got used to putting his own needs first so he struggles to compromise when he spends the holiday with us. I do find it frustrating but I can see how much he is getting out of sharing his time with us and I know from my kids feedback that they are making memories for life when they spend time with him and us together.

GreenTulips · 09/04/2019 11:18

You need to speak up

Just say I think we’ll do x this afternoon, if they don’t want to go they don’t have too!! Get a thicker skin

And tell DH he needs to stop reverting back to a child when with his parents

Next time leave him to take the kids and his parents and you do something else ..... unless he’s experienced it he won’t know how hard it is!!! Can you be ‘ill’ later and find a pool and a a good book to rest?

DarlingNikita · 09/04/2019 11:21

if I do anything on my "own" or away from them they take this an insult

So what? You can't control how people take you. Do what you want and let them deal with their feelings about it.

QueenKubauOfKish · 09/04/2019 11:24

Ugh sounds stressful - and 3/4 days isn't "just a few days" when you're feeling like this, it's eternal torture!

I hate that thing where you can't do anything on your own or you're seen as being rude, so you just have to sit there being bored and irritated to tears. I've endured a lot of this with relatives in the past, but I've gained confidence as I've got older. Why should you be miserable just to pander to them when they aren't even being nice to you?

My strategies include deciding we need something and going on a trip to local shops, saying the kids need some fresh air and taking them to park/beach whatever, having a headache or period pain and needing a lie down or early night (= a nice time on my own reading or online).

QueenKubauOfKish · 09/04/2019 11:28

And when your DP acts like it's not a problem - aaarrgghh! My exP would moan like anything about his mum, as she was/is indeed a selfish, controlling old cow and very hard work. But when we actually went to hers, he'd revert to being a small child and do anything not to rock the boat, so if I tried to talk to him about any problems I had with her he'd side with her and act like I was being difficult. She was horrible to the DC and he'd even side with her then! Very glad he's an ex and I no longer have to stay with her.

mrsmuddlepies · 09/04/2019 11:31

Great post GylesYronwood. I agree completely with you

GylesYronwood · 09/04/2019 11:34

"when they aren't even being nice to you?"

Are they really not being nice to you op?

Because your comment about them not wanting you to do anything by yourself could just be a misunderstanding, them just wanting you to know that they enjoy your company and want you there rather than off somewhere by yourself.

Can you really not say 'I think the kids would love to do X today' or 'anyone object to me having a couple of hours to myself this afternoon'?

mrsmuddlepies · 09/04/2019 11:35

There was a thread on here recently about a family holiday with her parents. She complained that her husband was being distant and not entering into the spirit of being together. Most posters felt that she should have harsh words with him about spoiling time with her family.

GylesYronwood · 09/04/2019 11:36

Thank you mrsmuddlepies

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