To not send my child to nursery?

[BeanBag7]

I have one daughter who has just turned 2 and I am a SAHM during the day and work a few evenings in the week.

DD is doing (I think) really well: her speech and physical development is typical for her age; she is toilet trained day and night; she is a very happy child. We do a lot during our days such as play dates and toddler groups and we have passes to the local farm, NT gardens and theme park. At home we do baking and craft, puzzles and games and the occasional day of just being lazy and snuggling on the sofa. I'm planning to send her to preschool when the 3 year funding kicks in this time next year.

Recently I've been feeling under pressure from friends to put her in nursery during the week. They have been telling me how good it is for social development, how well X's speech has come on since starting, how many activities they do that we couldnt possibly do at home. Is she missing out on something and AIBU not to send her?

YANBU. I think this is a very personal choice and everyone has to make the choices that are right for them.

DS started nursery the term before he turned three (partly due to DS2 arriving). He went to a farm/forest school nursery, and it was brilliant. They build enormous castles from boxes, turned their scooters into horses, fed lambs and he had lots of lovely opportunities everyday. The key difference compared with being at home (other than socially), was the sheer number of activities on offer and the incredible creativity of the staff.

DS started at a village pre-school at a similar age, and even socially, there was little value in him going.

You know your child, what you need/want and what your local nurseries offer, so make the choice that works for you.

Personally my DS got lots out of nursery at 2. He’s a very sociable child and loved the interaction with his little friends.

But every child/set up is different. Do what you want to do.

I am a childcare provider and childcare great if you need it but a child doesn't need that environment to flourish when he is getting proper attention at home.

Socialising in a large setting at four or five years old is early enough. Don't worry.

YANBU.
None of my four went to any kind of nursery and went straight into primary reception at 4.

My 3 big ones (early 20s now) are perfectly fine and normal people and my little one (5 and started reception last sept) is doing great too. We've just recently been told by the reception teachers that she is one of the social leaders of her class actually (she is very outgoing) and has never shown any signs of being at any disadvantage to the ones in her peer group. Many of whom have been going to day care at the same place since they were 1/2/3 ect.

My SIL always does this great ''amazed at how normal your kids are considering they never went to nursery'' thing to me It's always done in a complimentary sort of way and i don't take it badly. I do believe it's part of easing her own feelings around sending both hers to nursery from a very young age.

Mine were both very sociable too but we still socialised with children every day.

Mine were both very sociable too but we still socialised with children every day.

Sure. So would we have.

But DS enjoyed the wide circle and day to day companionship of his nursery friends.

All I’m saying that, in our case, there were advantages to nursery at 2. That’s not the case for everyone obviously.

No need if you don't want to. Do you live in an area where there is some social deprivation? I have found that nursery is pushed hard and early in such places, as they're trying to "catch" children early, who otherwise might not get much in the way of stimulation. But obviously they have to push it to everyone in the area, so then it becomes more of a thing in general.

Just to add:

When reception teachers were telling us about DD being so outgoing in class at parents evening recently, the context was that they had been keeping an eye on her from the start because she was in the minority of being a child who hadn't been to any day care.

It is interesting stuff. All kids are different and all home situations will be different. There's no big right and wrong rule IMO.

None of mine went to nursery until they were 3, it didn’t even occur to me to send them until then. We did plenty of activities/socialising ourselves. And I didn’t know of any SAHMs who sent theirs at 2 either.

2 year olds are so littte, it sounds like you’re doing an amazing job, and toddlers don’t need to be ‘stimulated’ every second of the day anyway.

Honestly I am not winning as a mother to toddlers, I cannot constantly come up with a day full of stimulating activities for them and they tire me out. DH is a neat freak so if he came home to DCs in the midst of messy play he'd probably have a panic attack. So maybe your friends are like us and realise that their DCs get something extra from going to nursery that they don't get at home.

If you're super mum and having a wonderful time already then save your money and don't bother.

Depends on the child, age and what they’ve been used to. I’m keeping my 2 year old in nursery for her 3 days while I’m on mat leave as she loves it, has a best friend that she loves, has been used to it and would really miss it now she’s been used to it. In those circs, it would not be in her best interest to stay at home with me every day. In yours, where she hasn’t been used to it and you’re planning on starting at 3, there’s no rush.

What I would say though is that she does loads that I wouldn’t do at home even though we do lots of activities etc. She has always been massively ahead on personal/social milestones and thrives in a nursery environment. She had one of the easiest settling-in processes they’d ever seen in the baby room as an example. I’m under no illusion that my second child might not be the same and if that is the case, I’ll find it really hard.

I would because I am rubbish at art and craft so prefer to delegate finger painting and messy play to somewhere that is not my house and I don't have to tidy up! I also parent better when not nothing but a mum.

Other people will like toddlers and toddler craft much more than I do!

I didn’t send my DC to nursery until they went to school nursery at 3. I was confident I could offer them lots of good experiences at home, I am a teacher and have worked as a nursery teacher.

At 2.5 I did start each at classes where I left them, so that they were used to being dropped off and left for a little bit. DD did ballet and DS did gymnastics (they still do them now 4 and 3 years later). They were both totally happy with being left at nursery at 3, I don’t know if the classes helped or not but they’ve got a lot out of them anyway.

I think when you have to send your children to nursery so you can work (like I do), it's tempting to try and justify the guilt into concentrating on the social interactions they will get there. In reality we all just have to do what keeps food on the table don't we!

It's not fair though to push it on friends who don't have to work though. Don't worry about what they say.

user1471426142 - I’m under no illusion that my second child might not be the same and if that is the case, I’ll find it really hard.

Even when logically you know that children are likely to be different it still does throw you a bit if/when no.2 (or 3 or 4!) isn't the same as no.1, especially if no.1 was particularly easy! :)

My son was with a childminder and I tried nursery when he was 3. He hated it and I sent at 4 when he thrived. Personally being at home suited him. I think there's too much focus on getting every child into nursery early. There are other settings.

Every good parent does what they think is best. At the end of the day how many adults do you know that you could pick out and say

''Ooh it's obvious that Colin got sent to nursery too early''

or

''Ooh it's obvious Sharon should have been getting out more at 3 years old''

?

Worry and guilt! It's all part of parenting and parents will always be beating themselves up about something.

I loved having both dds at home until 3, (there is a year between them). I feel very lucky to have been in a position to have them at home.

If it's working for you then carry on.

Yanbu. Your days sound lovely

I wish I could have kept mine at home when they were little.

It won't so any harm at all and there's not need for preschool to be full time if you don't want.

No agenda here as mine had to go to nursery for childcare from 1year and 7 months respectively. But they would have got alot more stimulation at home with me tbh!

Sounds absolutely fine. Save the money for clubs and hobbies when she's older.

I was in a similar position OP. I eventually sent DC to a playgroup when she was about three for two mornings a week to get her used to being in a largish group on a regular basis and also because I was scared she was missing out. By the time she was 4 this went up to three days and lunchtimes a week and later to four mornings/lunches because she loved it so much and asked to go more often. I found I loved the time on my own (and later with DC2) and also got even more pleasure from the precious times she was home. We still did all our own ‘fun’ stuff and she got so much pleasure and benefit from the (excellent) group.

Hi OP YANBU, I thought the whole point of being a SAHP was to spend time with and look after your child! It sounds like she has varied and interesting activities so not sure to would benefit her. Only thing is I'd maybe put her in one or two mornings a week before she goes to pre school otherwise it might be a big shock!

I would just leave it till her preschool year if you are at home why would you put her in nursery if you don't want too your days sound busy and her development sounds just fine

@AmIRightOrAMeringue
She's going to be doing 2 mornings at preschool to start with and then going up to 3 in the second term, so hopefully will be a gradual increase and not too much of a shock.

Thanks everyone for your opinions and making me feel better about our choices

People said this to me with my DS as i didnt send him to preschool til he was nearly 3 .(he was quite a monkey when he was a toddler!) He went to creche at church and at a sports centre without me, and we went to toddler groups so he socialised with other children. I dont think it was detrimental to have him at home. He is 8 now and really sociable and his teachers say he is really popular in the class and gets on well with everyone.