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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not send my child to nursery?

91 replies

BeanBag7 · 09/04/2019 06:42

I have one daughter who has just turned 2 and I am a SAHM during the day and work a few evenings in the week.

DD is doing (I think) really well: her speech and physical development is typical for her age; she is toilet trained day and night; she is a very happy child. We do a lot during our days such as play dates and toddler groups and we have passes to the local farm, NT gardens and theme park. At home we do baking and craft, puzzles and games and the occasional day of just being lazy and snuggling on the sofa. I'm planning to send her to preschool when the 3 year funding kicks in this time next year.

Recently I've been feeling under pressure from friends to put her in nursery during the week. They have been telling me how good it is for social development, how well X's speech has come on since starting, how many activities they do that we couldnt possibly do at home. Is she missing out on something and AIBU not to send her?

OP posts:

stucknoue · 09/04/2019 07:25

It's sounds great, kids don't need to be in nursery unless their parents work - toddler groups (where you stay) are quite sufficient to help with social interaction. Until a generation ago not all kids went to nursery at all before school!

agnurse · 09/04/2019 07:25

YANBU. Best evidence shows that children need a stable and consistent caregiver for the first few years of their lives. Realistically, while nursery does "cover" things, it's not always consistent.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 09/04/2019 07:26

Oh I thought you meant at all! Going at 3 is more than enough preschool imo. I have a friend who isn’t sending her son at all before school in September and I wonder if that will be a bit of an adjustment but even then, 4 year olds pick things up pretty quickly!

Ciwirocks · 09/04/2019 07:27

Neither of mine went to nursery until they were 3. They both settled well into nursery and are doing very well at school now in years 1&2. I couldn’t afford to pay for nursery before that and didn’t need to so it seemed pointless

Osirus · 09/04/2019 07:29

Mine is the same - she’s going to preschool this year when she turns 3.

However, not one person has ever questioned my decision.

PregnantSea · 09/04/2019 07:31

I think the main benefits of nursery are that it's structured and the children are socialising. So if your daughter already has this then there's no real need to send her to nursery unless you need the time free to do other things.

HopefulAgain10 · 09/04/2019 07:35

Yanbu if you feel she is developing well and has enough social interaction.
Each child is so different.

My ds started at 16 months even though I'm a sahm but the change in him was amazing. He was so ready for nursery and has grown so much.

Hes only 2.5 but they do such lovely things at school, concerts, sports days, shows at school, baker days, etc. All of which I couldn't do with him at home. He loves it and cries on weekends to go!

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 09/04/2019 07:35

Mine were doing two mornings a week (9-12) at that age... But it was more for me than them. I used the time for medical appointments, food shopping, cleaning etc. We also didn't have that wide range of places to visit nearby. My husband was often away for weeks for even months. If you are both happy then there's no reason to send her.

user1480880826 · 09/04/2019 07:37

Nursery is a last resort for parents who have to work. It’s not there for the benefit of the children who have to go. Us working parents tell ourselves that it’s great for our kids because it helps us to deal with the guilt of leaving them there! I’ve gone back to work for purely selfish reasons but I know my 2 year old would rather be at home with me, regardless of how much fun she has when she’s at nursery.

Kids have the rest of their lives to be in formal education. There is no rush to start.

Gatehouse77 · 09/04/2019 07:43

If you're happy with your child's socialisation (which sounds great) and she's happy to be left with known people then enjoy!

Yes, nursery can offer different things but that's the crux of it - different but not necessarily better.

If you and your DH are happy with your arrangement then be confident in it. Listen to others, accept their point of you and simply say that you're happy with the status quo the same way they're happy with their choices.

lovelypumpkin · 09/04/2019 07:43

For a 2 year old it isn't better for them. Studies show it is better to be with an engaged mother and learning social skills with the mother around until they are at least 3 - though it is absolutely fine for a 2 year old if the parents need or want to use a child care setting, as long as the child care setting is good. It is an urban myth that it is better for 2 year olds.

ScreamScreamIceCream · 09/04/2019 07:44

My daughter, under a year, is going to a childminder in a few months. In my extended family we tend to use nannies, au pairs and child minders rather than nurseries. Mainly so they have a consistent carer for a set period of time and also because the carers are more flexible. As some of the children are now adults who are well educated with good jobs it clearly hasn't screwed them up not going to nursery before they start school.

SnuggyBuggy · 09/04/2019 07:46

You can always play it by ear as well and change your mind if necessary

mindutopia · 09/04/2019 07:48

I think nursery is great. Mine was in full time at that age (both started PT 9-11 months). But surely the point of being a SAHP is to stay at home with your children? I don’t think there’s any benefit to having them in at 2 versus 3. The benefit when they are younger is mostly yours (we couldn’t work otherwise!). But if you decided to stay home, then do it. I do think it’s beneficial and it was a really positive experience (much more enriching than if I had been home ft probably). But I would enjoy the time you have if you’re able to have it.

InACheeseAndPickle · 09/04/2019 07:48

I think it's slightly ridiculous to think a two year old needs to go to nursery. It sounds like she gets a rich varied life at home with plenty of social opportunity, exercise and a chance to cook, do crafts etc. If she was spending hours in front of the TV every day or not meeting other children much nursery would be very important but what you do sounds fine.

Tinyteatime · 09/04/2019 07:49

Mine didn’t go until 3.5. If you don’t feel the need don’t send her. Why would you? It’s such a short time they can stay at home with you. It’s only hugely beneficial before 3 if they’re not getting everything they need at home.

ThursdayLastWeek · 09/04/2019 07:51

DC1 didnt do any childcare until the 3yr funding kicked in.
DC2 was in nursery a day a week from 1yr, because we needed a break from him!

There’s no right or wrong answer and I’m surprised to hear your friends have such strong opinions on it.

Hangingtrousers · 09/04/2019 07:51

Blimey... My dd is 2.5 been in nursery 2 days a week since ten months.. her speech is behind and she's very far from potty training. Def do what you think not friends!

CrunchyEggshells · 09/04/2019 07:52

As long as you’re happy in yourself, and able to continue doing all the type of things you describe, YADNBU. I have worked in fabulous nurseries and while they are great, there is no need if there’s an option of excellent and stimulating care at home. In fact, considerable evidence has shown children do best at home with a stable primary caregiver if that’s an option. (Google for eg Penelope Leach or see references in this article: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/02/nurseries-childcare-pre-school-cortisol). Of course that’s not an option in many cases, including my own; but it does back up that you’re doing nothing wrong.

ThursdayLastWeek · 09/04/2019 07:54

Oh yes haha hangingtrousers in spite of DC2 being with his peers a day a week for the last 2yrs he’s still way behind in potty raining and speech!

Because his lazy arse SAHMother abandoned him to the horrors of childcare??

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 09/04/2019 07:56

Go with your own instincts on this. I listened to friends’ advice and started my ds at nursery before 3 and now wish I’d waited. If you are in the fortunate position to be able to choose when to start then you can be guided by the child. Your dd sounds as though she is happy and flourishing in your current set up.

HopeGarden · 09/04/2019 07:58

My youngest DC won’t be going to nursery until he’s 3 and the 15 free hours kick in.

I’m a SAHM at the minute and we can’t really justify the cost of sending him to nursery when we don’t need to.

Yes they do lots of fun things at nursery, but I don’t think it’ll damage my DC to wait until he’s 3. And he’ll still have the experience of a pre-school setting, and getting used to being away from me and all that before he starts Reception.

Also as I understand it, it’s normal for speech to come on a lot after 2 yrs regardless of whether a child’s at nursery or not. If I had concerns about my 2 yr old DC’s speech I’d be thinking about talking to the HV about a SALT referral rather than putting him straight into nursery.

Florrieboo · 09/04/2019 07:59

Trust your gut. I am not in the UK but my daughter only went to preschool at 5 (2 days a week) and started school 2 weeks before her 6th birthday. She is social and confident and learning things at an alarming rate. I would even say she is more confident than some of the children who were "socialised" at daycare for a couple of years, but that might just be personality.

MsTSwift · 09/04/2019 08:00

Stay firm I caved into peer pressure and sent dd at 2.4 for a few sessions as had a new born. Did it partly because I was told she was missing out. Utter nonsense. She HATED it so we binned it and she went to pre school a year later and was fine. People are justifying their own choices

EssentialHummus · 09/04/2019 08:00

Totally fine IMO - but I would say that, I'm in the same position with 19m DD. Because of all the activities we do I am happy that she is developing as well as her peers (which was my main worry). She likes nothing better than sitting on my lap reading book after book, which makes me think that home is the place for her for the moment.

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