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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To message OW?

120 replies

Maccapacca88 · 09/04/2019 00:41

Background... ex and I broke up. Very amicable. No maintenance paid, but good relationship with kids. Still sleeping together family days out etc. He was a bit of shit about money. Conned me into taking nothing.

Spent a whole day in bed together on Monday. He love nobody like he loves me and all the rest.

Told me today as I’m taking dinner out of the oven, he’s seeing someone.

Messagyher to let her know what she’s in for. AIBU?

OP posts:

TanMateix · 09/04/2019 09:00

And get on the phone with CMS ASAP, if he is not paying rent, services and the food he always at your house, the least he can do is pay for childmaintenance to cover (partially I’m sure) the amount of money you investing on him.

Kick him out, if he is not helping, stop him from using resources you should concentrate on your kids ( from the fridge’s content to your time)

YemenRoadYemen · 09/04/2019 09:00

What's the point in warning some woman away from a man you can't stay away from yourself?

Why should she take any notice of you?

Why would you expect her to, if you can't?

outpinked · 09/04/2019 09:03

Get in touch with CMS, the money is your DC’s. Only communicate with him about the DC, otherwise don’t talk to him and please stop sleeping with him. Have an STI check too just in case...

lifebegins50 · 09/04/2019 09:07

OP, you have been deceived and rightly feel upset.
You were trying again and of course you wouldn't have slept with him if he had told you he was dating. He concealed and lied to you.

I am so sorry as this will add to the hurt but it does prove he is a despicable person.

Good luck with your recovery, focus on the children. It will be a rough journey but you will get through it. Stay true to yourself.

JaneEyre07 · 09/04/2019 09:14

Don't take your anger out on her. There is little moral high ground when you've fallen for his charms too..... and she's probably been fed nothing but bullshit.

He's the one in the wrong here, not the OW.

Least you found out...... he's probably been doing this the whole time. Now you can make that break and life goes onwards and upwards

PurpleFlower1983 · 09/04/2019 09:16

I really feel for you but you’ve gave the knobhead a free pass - have your cake and eat it. Don’t fight for this utter twat!

EmeraldShamrock · 09/04/2019 09:23

Oh OP he is using you something rotten, he doesn't hide it either, she will probably dump him, he'll find another, players always do.
Please do not let him into your bed again, he is a user.

StormcloakNord · 09/04/2019 09:24

How old are you OP? You sound like a bloomin child

Walk away from this mess, get money from him and concentrate on creating a healthy environment for your kids.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 09/04/2019 09:24

How can it be "amicable" if he conned you into taking nothing financially?
You need to raise your game. Start with a call to CMS.

TatianaLarina · 09/04/2019 09:24

If I were starting a relationship with a new guy who was still fucking his ex I’d want to know. So you did her a favour on that score.

But I’d never fuck someone who didn’t pay for their kids and that applies to you too.

Some women will fight over the sorriest dicks as if it were some kind of prize.

Both you and this other woman should have the standards to dump this loser and raise your expectations. Make sure you get sure you get child support too.

Tinkobell · 09/04/2019 09:28

Wow. I hope the sex with him is really really good OP, because basically he's giving you that sex instead of your kids their money! He's very very manipulative OP. For gods sake and your kids sake take his money not the sex.

PinkHeart5914 · 09/04/2019 09:44

FFS why are you fighting over him?

Find your standards for crying out loud.....

Sleepyhead11 · 09/04/2019 09:56

I'm so sorry OP, some people have been really horrible to you on here. You need kindness, not judge-y nastiness. It's a horrible situation. How dare people call it a 'pick me dance' or reduce it to such glib terms?

TatianaLarina · 09/04/2019 09:57

How dare people call it a 'pick me dance' or reduce it to such glib terms?

Because that’s exactly what it is.

Amongstthetallgrass · 09/04/2019 10:00

sleepy I hear you. I’m guessing if anyone was in op situation they wouldn’t be so flippant or condescending- but it’s easy to do so behind a screen. This would be my worst nightmare

Itsnotme123 · 09/04/2019 10:02

Be done with him. It’ll all just get worse. Keep some dignity and get some boundaries. See a solicitor for a free half hour.

TeddybearBaby · 09/04/2019 10:03

You sound very hurt and it sounds like you’ve had a shock. He’s been dishonest with his intentions here and that’s not fair at all. Be kind to yourself 💐 but try to take the focus off the ow and put it on you / your children and what you deserve x

JinglingHellsBells · 09/04/2019 10:04

She said”messaged” in her OP, could have been on Facebook or anything...

well yes, but she'd still need a name. And there are loads of people on FB who have the same name.

Brilliantidiot · 09/04/2019 10:06

I was the 'OW' in a situation very much like this. I did not react well to his 'ex' messaging me and saying that they'd been trying again for the entire time of our relationship and been taking it slow and he'd told her he was at his sisters when not with her, told me the same when he wasn't with me.
He'd also laid a lot of ground work with me regarding the ex. He was clever enough not to call her 'crazy' - he'd obviously been caught out like that before. But he'd told me she wouldn't let him see the kids, except in her presence, would cancel at the last minute, send them to family so when he went to see them it was just her there, wouldn't let him have his belongings...... All dropped in over time to make sure I built a negative view of her. So if she ever found out about me and did message, I was already primed.
He was very practiced and good at it, and none of it was his fault. Ever. It was hers, mine, his parents, even the kids for wanting daddy to be at home.
It became so complicated and confusing that neither me nor her actually knew who the other woman technically was. Though it didn't matter, he was treating us all badly, but mostly the children. He changed the minute he realised I didn't believe him, and had the attitude how dare I. I got out, after a lot of problems. Not so easy for her. Last I heard he was engaged yet again.
Please try and walk away OP, this man won't change. Doesn't matter who the OW is technically, he's not treating anyone with respect.

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 10:31

By concentrating on the OW (and she thinking about you, I presume), he has both of you engaged in trying to win his favour, whilst he is making out like a bandit from all this.

Pull the plug, OP - you'll be so glad you did. Comfort yourself with the knowledge you really did try to salvage this relationship, even if he didn't. Walk away with your head held high.

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