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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message OW?

120 replies

Maccapacca88 · 09/04/2019 00:41

Background... ex and I broke up. Very amicable. No maintenance paid, but good relationship with kids. Still sleeping together family days out etc. He was a bit of shit about money. Conned me into taking nothing.

Spent a whole day in bed together on Monday. He love nobody like he loves me and all the rest.

Told me today as I’m taking dinner out of the oven, he’s seeing someone.

Messagyher to let her know what she’s in for. AIBU?

OP posts:
cakecakecheese · 09/04/2019 06:48

No you shouldn't have messaged her but I can see why you did as you are clearly upset and hurt however you are better off channeling that energy into sorting out maintenance and a schedule regarding visits etc. Don't be taken for a mug, he clearly knows how to manipulate you.

PinaColadaPlease · 09/04/2019 06:51

Look at it from his point of view. He leaves you with two children, talks you into accepting no financial support for them but does get family days out and sex. He also gets to sleep with anyone else he chooses.

He has taken you for a mug and you have allowed it. It seems you have realised this which is a very good thing, now get maintenance sorted for your children!

Ce7913 · 09/04/2019 06:52

You ABU for not making efforts to obtain that to which your children or legally and ethically entitled.

You ABU for messaging the OW before you concerned yourself with making an appointment to get your SH tested.

The rest? I don't know. Two factors:

  1. I'd be checking with my family lawyer to see if it would reflect badly upon me in future proceedings.
  1. Do you have any reason to believe that she thinks they are exclusive?

...I mean, personally, I'd really, really appreciate the heads up - especially if you weren't a cow about it and even more so if you had proof.

Of course there are always going to be those women who are going to believe his casting of you in the bitter ex role - and that is never a good look - but those women can't be helped anyway.

Ce7913 · 09/04/2019 06:56

Forgot to mention:

You are also BVVU for being interested in sex with/resuming a relationship with a man who was okay with merrily walking away from his financial obligation to support his children.

You deserve better.

You should think about why it is that you don't believe that.

Springwalk · 09/04/2019 07:07

The old line when someone shows you who they are, believe them. A grand example.

Now, you need to chase child maintenance.
Now you need to set some boundaries and not be used like this.
Now you need to reclaim some self respect.
Stop texting strangers about him it could make you look unhinged.

This man wants to have his cute lovely family life, sex on a tap with you and be free to go out with other people. Don't let him use you like this, you are not getting back together, he is playing you for a fool.

Vulpine · 09/04/2019 07:10

If messaging the 'ow' makes you feel better do it!

crimsonlake · 09/04/2019 07:10

Why are you so desperate for a man that you would put up with this rubbish. Take your anger out on your exdp and not the so called other woman. He sounds like a catch, I would be pushing him out the door after making sure he pays towards the upbringing of his own children.

whitesoxx · 09/04/2019 07:22

As others have said she's not the OW no matter what you say.

You need to get maintenance out of him and stop allowing him into your bed and cooking his meals.

Amicable? He's laughing his head off at you

Amongstthetallgrass · 09/04/2019 07:32

She’s not the OW if you guys have broken up so what’s the upset?

Oh get lost ffs!Hmm

Jesus of course OP is going to be upset/angry, he has properly took the piss out of her AND her kids.

OP I probably would have messaged her myself out of temper and frustration. We’re not robots. Ha! What a prize she has got hey!

Fuck them both now. What’s done is done.

There is a good chance he was already seeing her before you split and still kept shagging you so he didn’t have to give you any money for the kids.

Get on to CSA and start the ball rolling so your kids have the financial support they are legally entitalled to - and don’t let that fucker manipulate you in to bed.

You will get through this Flowers

Amongstthetallgrass · 09/04/2019 07:35

You don’t declare your in a relationship with some one after six days. Of course she was the other woman Hmm

He only told you because he is about to be found out or is incredibly cruel and a real bastard

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/04/2019 07:37

I don’t think texting her is the end of the world

BUT - he is a piece of shit . Don’t shag him
Keep things separate and get your maintenance paid

Thegoodthere · 09/04/2019 07:41

Have some self-respect, op.

MissGiddyPants · 09/04/2019 07:42

How could you spend all day in bed on Monday? where were the children?

Awrite · 09/04/2019 07:43

I think I would be angrier about being duped into no maintenance and presumably you are doing the hard work of raising your two dc. That too.

Snog · 09/04/2019 07:45

They will both laugh together at you and your message OP.

You badly need to get some self respect. You can do a lot better in life if you set some standards for how you are willing to be treated.

Clutterbugsmum · 09/04/2019 07:45

Don't text her, but text your EX and make it clear that he is the father of your children and that is as far as your relationship goes.

No more 'family' days out, he takes the children by himself.

No more sex you are not in a relationship you are not a couple. He just knows you will sleep with him when he feels like.

And go to child maintenance services and get him paying his share of bringing up your children.

Stop being a MUG, he using you for his own needs and that's it.

Acis · 09/04/2019 07:47

Is there any reason why you can't go to CSA now?

countchuckula · 09/04/2019 07:47

I think you are too nice and easygoing, OP! I think it's time to get tougher.

Background... ex and I broke up. Very amicable. No maintenance paid. Still sleeping together family days out etc. He was a bit of shit about money. Conned me into taking nothing

No wonder it was an amicable break-up - what's he lost exactly?

Spent a whole day in bed together on Monday. He love nobody like he loves me and all the rest

Love talk to keep the sex coming.

Told me today as I’m taking dinner out of the oven, he’s seeing someone

What a callous way/time to drop that into the conversation. At least he made sure he got his dinner first!

He sounds completely selfish and mean. Time to get the money you are owed. Of course, he will spin this to the OW that you are out for revenge, but bugger that. This is something that should have happened before. Toughen up OP and fight for your kids' welfare.

Stop sleeping with him - you don't know he practises safe sex. He won't care about your health. He already doesn't care about money for his kids or your feelings.

Now that his little romance is out in the open, you may even find he spends less time with you and the kids anyway. I hope I am wrong, but he sounds like the type who would put his love-life before them.

By the way, what did you two break-up about anyway?

I am sorry you have all this to deal with OP, but you are too good for him - that's the bottom line Flowers

swingofthings · 09/04/2019 07:48

So if you were trying again for a few months, didn't you talk about the future, the nestcsteos etc? It sounds like you were just pretending to be a happy family.

How did the conversation go to him mentioning her and howcome you have her details? Did you check his phone?

YemenRoadYemen · 09/04/2019 07:51

I think the OW has a strong case for assuming you're the OW. Wink

This whole situation is that desperate. I can't think of anything more skin crawly than doing the 'pick me' dance.

Oh yes I can. Messaging the semi-OW.

#dying

londonrach · 09/04/2019 07:51

Never. Makes you sound unhinged. You not together as you said in your first sentence so what he does now with someone else is not your problem. Do not send a message. You come across really badly.

Happyspud · 09/04/2019 07:52

Do you know what? Well bloody done I say. People need to share very very relevant truths with other people. Like for example ‘the man you’ve been seeing just took advantage of me and had sex with me’. I’d like to know that so well done OP. Regardless of it being a whiplash reaction out of hurt and anger, at least she has the information now.

JinglingHellsBells · 09/04/2019 07:52

Not sure why people suggest a lawyer.

If you co-habit and are not married you have no right to any money other than maintenance and many men get out of paying that.

OP you were silly. You split up but carried on offering sex while all the time he was seeing other women.

You need to set some boundaries. He's a waste of space.

londonrach · 09/04/2019 07:54

Youve sent a message. Must read all the thread. Ok bad idea but whats done is done. Move on, get maintence sorted.

FuriousCheekyFucker · 09/04/2019 07:54

So you've only just found out she was the other woman, and you have her phone number to text her?

Have I missed something here?