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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to talk about our baby

74 replies

reeree95 · 08/04/2019 15:10

My partner of 2 years has always been pretty sure he didn't want kids and certainly not anytime soon but I'm 4 months pregnant. He's had a lot of problems with MH and sought help after finding out we were expecting -he is now taking anti depressants- which I thought was a step in the right direction but he doesn't like to talk about our baby.
He keeps saying he'll just need to spend the rest of his life miserable as he wouldn't want me to get rid of the baby or leave me as his dad left before he was born and he couldn't do that to his child.
I feel like I'm constantly trying to avoid bringing up baby chat or starting to buy things as he'll just shut down or I'll be the cause of making his depression worse. I've got faith that he'll come around in another few months and will be an amazing dad when baby comes along but for now I just feel like I'm going through this pregnancy alone.
AIBU to expect more from someone who I knew didn't want us to have kids yet but is just in a generally bad place MH wise right now??

OP posts:

juneau · 08/04/2019 15:14

Is he having any talking therapy OP? It sounds very much like he needs it, alongside his ADs. It sounds like you're walking on eggshells and he's struggling to cope with the news - not a good place for either of you to be in - nor a good start to your life as parents. He needs to sort some therapy now. It's all very well saying I've got faith that he'll come around in another few months and will be an amazing dad when baby comes along, but you don't know that. You giving birth could actually make things worse if he doesn't address his worries now. Don't wait until you've got a newborn to care for - insist that he finds and starts seeing a therapist now.

Merryoldgoat · 08/04/2019 15:14

How did you end up pregnant? Was it planned and he’s changed his mind? Contraceptive accident?

Personally I’d be extremely unimpressed by this.

If you have sex, pregnancy is a possibility and he needs to accept that.

Why are you sure he’ll be a great dad? Doesn’t sound like it to me...

cloudymelonade · 08/04/2019 15:19

It sounds harsh but you need to get used to the idea you might have to go through this pregnancy alone and raising the child too.
He cannot blame you and the child for his depression and you shouldn't be taking it.
If that was my DP I'd be telling him to either support me appropriately or get out.

Original poster

reeree95 · 08/04/2019 15:19

@juneau He is currently seeing a therapist, he's always suffered with depression and after the loss of both his mother and grandmother a few months after one another he spiralled.

OP posts:

Original poster

reeree95 · 08/04/2019 15:23

@Merryoldgoat Unfortunately it was a contraceptive accident. We have a lot of friends with children and we babysit often and he's brilliant with them, maybe I'm being naive but I want to have hope that the help he's receiving is what he needs.

OP posts:

EngagedAgain · 08/04/2019 15:26

Well it seems he made it clear he didn't want children, and in a way he's being reasonable taking that into consideration, wanting you to keep the baby and stay with you. As pp said though there's always that risk having sex. If he felt that strong he would have been wiser to get a vasectomy. However, these things happen and you may find, he warms to the idea and once baby arrives be a great dad. If not, I don't see how it will work in the long term, but I think you'll have to wait, be patient and only time will tell.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2019 15:30

Regardless of the words coming out of his mouth, I think he is telling you loud and clear not to expect him to hang around.

edwinbear · 08/04/2019 15:33

OP please don't assume he will come round once the baby is here. I went through similar with DH who also didn't want children, but agreed to do so for me. We now have 2 and he maintains the view that whilst he loves DC, and is a very hands on dad, he was correct in his original view that he didn't want children and if he could have his time again, he wouldn't have agreed. He too suffers with depression and has been in some very dark places since DC came along.

I realise this isn't what you wanted to hear, but I think it's really important to consider what will happen if he doesn't come round.

Bringbackthestripes · 08/04/2019 15:36

AIBU to expect more from someone who I knew didn't want us to have kids yet but is just in a generally bad place MH wise right now??

He is in a very bad place and, being as he didn’t want kids he is unlikely to get better. Poor bloke.

He keeps saying he'll just need to spend the rest of his life miserable

this is alarming.what if, instead of coming round, he gets worse...... or suicidal?

mondaylisasmile · 08/04/2019 15:37

AIBU to expect more from someone who I knew didn't want us to have kids yet but is just in a generally bad place MH wise right now

Honestly op, both you and your DP need to get your priorities in order - no longer is it your DP being the centre of attention/focus on his needs... Once you've got in the position where you're pregnant, the emphasis needs to shift.

Support him to a level that you can (and I suggest you spend some quiet time alone truly reflecting on what you can & will give).. but you need to put your needs first during pregnancy & ensure your baby's needs are a priority once they're here.

Your DH is calling the shots here, but that's history, you need to adjust.

Maybe he'll step up and be a good dad, who knows, but you need to stop walking on eggshells and do what you need.. if he can't provide that, rough luck, he's not able to, but you need to recognise it & be prepared to walk in order to protect your and your new baby's needs.

CaMePlaitPas · 08/04/2019 15:41

OP, I'm a Mum of 2, I struggle with depression - children (esp little helpless babies) only amplify MH issues. They are the best but they also demand so so much it drains you. Don't expect too much of an improvement without a solid commitment to learn how to manage depression, as a pp said, he needs talking therapy too.

justchecking1 · 08/04/2019 15:43

I think he's just being honest and pragmatic. You both knew he didn't want this. But accidents happen and here you both are.

He is agreeing to support you and the baby (as he should!) but you can't expect him to be doing cartwheels over the fact.

He may come around to the idea once the baby is here, and may even decide he was wrong not to want children. However you can't rely on that fact.

What you should be able to rely on is some emotional support, and a feeling that you're in this together, even if he feels it wasn't what he would have ideally chosen. It sounds like he is very focussed on his own misery and hasn't considered what you need from him at the moment. Lay out exactly what you need him to be doing and what you expect from him as a minimum. He needs to suck it up to at least that degree, even if he isn't happy about the situation.

BloodsportForAll · 08/04/2019 15:45

My EXH didn't ever want children. We were accidentally pregnant (this was before marriage and quickly into our sort-of relationship) and I gave him every opportunity to leave, I was realistic and knew his feelings. He kept choosing to stay. Which made him miserable. And even after we married, he slumped. Lovely lovely man but we then had a different contraceptive failure and about six weeks into that I found him crying in the dark and that was the end of us. He's a great dad (when he bothers to arrange to see our kid - lost our son unfortunately) but it broke him. I hope that by telling you this you have some idea of what to potentially expect. I wished so hard that he had just agreed to go our own ways but stay in touch for our DC, when I found out the first time that I was expecting. I had thought I was unable to have kids so I wanted to keep it.

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 15:46

I think it's time for you to stop focusing so much on him and focus on your child and yourself. He is responsible for his health, not you, and he's telling you loud and clear that he's not going to be a true partner in parenting.

Echobelly · 08/04/2019 15:49

Sounds like there's a lot of complicated things going on here that a baby might 'cure or kill' as it were.

If his not wanting a baby is a symptom of fear that he will leave like his dad did, rather than a genuine desire not to have kids for other reasons, perhaps a child could heal at least some of that unhappiness as he proves he can be the father that his was not. But obviously once can't just assume that.

OTOH, if he truly doesn't want children aside from his own issues and past, he might go the opposite way.

But in either case he does need to find a way to talk honestly and openly about his feelings about this, because it is happening regardless of his state of MH, and I'm sorry for what you are both going through.

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 15:50

Blood

I'm sorry but I think if your MH is so bad it will be entirely fucked by having kids then the responsible thing to do is be sterilised.

I once dated a man who had bipolar disorder and it had a very strong genetic component on his mother's side. We couldn't stay together as he had had a vasectomy at 27 and I wanted kids but I really admired him for admitting to himself that parenthood was not for him and therefore taking the right steps to prevent it rather than risking the potential for an accident and visiting his problems on someone else.

NeverSayFreelance · 08/04/2019 15:51

I'm sorry OP but your partner just doesn't want this baby. I, myself, don't want children and neither does my partner and I know we would both be devastated if I got pregnant. I'm sure your DP's feelings are made worse by his depression, but it sounds like he is terrified and miserable at the prospect of being a dad when he doesn't want to. You might have to simply accept that whilst you are excited about the baby, he isn't and may never be.

It's a horrible situation and my heart goes out to you.

PinkHeart5914 · 08/04/2019 15:51

What a mess this is, To be put on anti depressants this has really fucked up his mental health, his struggled all his life and this has pushed him over the edge. Having mental health issues may be one of the reasons he never wanted to be a dad.

Thing is being a parent is massively stressful and it’s nothing like babysitting someone else’s child. I think if you struggle with mental health anyway a child could make it a whole lot worse.

Who knows maybe once baby arrives the love will kick in but it might not and I think you have to prepare for that possibility as this could end up being a very sad situation for him and the child.

fanfan18 · 08/04/2019 15:54

Did the contraceptive failure involve you not taking your pill and trapping this poor bloke?

Eliza9919 · 08/04/2019 15:55

Unfortunately it was a contraceptive accident. We have a lot of friends with children and we babysit often and he's brilliant with them

I've got faith that he'll come around in another few months and will be an amazing dad when baby comes along

Was it a real accident or an 'accident, accident' op?

There seems to be an awful lot of these accidents with dickhead dads on here.

I wonder why it's always contraception of arsehole men that fails? Maybe they all have super virile sperm that manages to bypass the pill and condom?

But, op, he's told you he doesn't want kids, you need to accept that you'll be doing this alone if you choose to continue.

AudTheDeepMinded · 08/04/2019 15:56

fanfan18 that's fucking rude and unnecessary.

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 15:57

Really don't get why someone so dead set about not having kids or becoming a parent doesn't get sterilised (it's not that expensive privately, particularly for men) and/or then use condoms every single time (or alternate contraception). I've got another mate who has one child and never wanted another one so was sterilised and uses the implant. Voila, no more contraceptive failures.

Eliza9919 · 08/04/2019 16:02

I wasn't calling the OP's dp and arsehole or a dickhead for having MH issues, I was talking generally about the many many threads about arseholes that the OP's end up getting PG accidentally to.

Eliza9919 · 08/04/2019 16:03

@AudTheDeepMinded Mon 08-Apr-19 15:56:47
fanfan18 that's fucking rude and unnecessary.

It's probably 9/10ths of the truth though

Connieston · 08/04/2019 16:04

Youre not remotely unreasonable. Pregnancy is tough because once it's underway we don't get a choice whether to cope with what's happening, our bodies are doing it regardless of whether we like it or not. He needs to mature or seek more help and generally accept that it's happening. Like it or not. He's not the most important person in the room anymore. He has to put his feeling to one side because someone else will need him. I'm sorry if I sound harsh and MH issues are difficult but parenting does require a shift in priorities. It just does. If he can't get on board and is draining your reserves I'd be considering telling him to bugger off for your own sanity. One baby is hard enough. Hope he does come round x

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