I want to talk about our baby

[reeree95]

My partner of 2 years has always been pretty sure he didn't want kids and certainly not anytime soon but I'm 4 months pregnant. He's had a lot of problems with MH and sought help after finding out we were expecting -he is now taking anti depressants- which I thought was a step in the right direction but he doesn't like to talk about our baby.
He keeps saying he'll just need to spend the rest of his life miserable as he wouldn't want me to get rid of the baby or leave me as his dad left before he was born and he couldn't do that to his child.
I feel like I'm constantly trying to avoid bringing up baby chat or starting to buy things as he'll just shut down or I'll be the cause of making his depression worse. I've got faith that he'll come around in another few months and will be an amazing dad when baby comes along but for now I just feel like I'm going through this pregnancy alone.
AIBU to expect more from someone who I knew didn't want us to have kids yet but is just in a generally bad place MH wise right now??

The problem is that having a baby is HARD work. Go read all the threads on here by people talking about how difficult it was, especially for those with existing mental health problems. It can be very stressful time, even for people who desperately want kids. So for someone who doesn't, I certainly would not pin my hopes on him suddenly coming round. If anything, I'd be concerned that things could get much worse for him.

Absolutely. I'd been with my partner for over 20 years before we had DS both of us fully on board, solvent, happy, strong relationship, decent MH etc and it did test us in the early months.

I agree with those who say to put yourself and your baby first, and not to assume he will 'come round' after the baby is born and metamorphose into a brilliant, engaged father.

Please get your financial ducks in a row. You need to be prepared for him to flake. The early baby days are really hard. They test the strongest people and the strongest relationships.

I would not temper your enthusiasm. You are creating a life and you are happy. Be happy. Do not apologize for being happy. Do not hide the baby prep from him. Do not let him off the hook for helping do the baby prep. He has to find a way to deal with this. He should be supporting you right now. That’s how relationships are supposed to work.

I loathe the misogynstic accusations of women ‘trapping’ men. Men choose where to ejaculate, it isn’t as if they are forced to do it without a condom. They can also choose to be sterilised if they are so against having children.

He is most likely frightened. Some men come around when the baby is born, some don’t. I would start to prepare for the possibility of single parenthood.

I loathe the misogynstic accusations of women ‘trapping’ men.

I have met women before who have openly admitted to trapping men.

Just want to point out that the 'contraceptive failure rate' amongst the mothers on MN is about a gazillion times above the national average. !

However , if you can absolutely put your hand on your heart and say without the slightest doubt that your desire to have a child (just like your many friends with kids) did not in anyway cause you to think ' he doesn't realise how much he will love a child, he just needs to have one then he'll realise' .. and you definitely used contraception in the manner it was intended- paying scrupulous attention to its requirements. ie never missing a pill , or taking it late. (If you were the one responsible for it rather than condoms) because you KNEW just how devastated he would be by an accident, - Then you have to start to look at this slightly more dispassionately with regard to him.

If you can say all of the above then you need to take the focus off of him/his feelings/needs and start to re focus on you and your baby.
Personally I would find it too hard to have such a negative force in the house and would ask him to leave.
All the time he is there it remains all about him. Many people with MH problems get used to and feed of of the attention their condition causes -especially with partners. Time to shift the focus.

Give him genuine 'permission' to leave. If he comes back it's because he and you choose it. No obligation. Purely because it is something he wants for the right reasons.
I would be preparing to do this alone .

We dont deny women terminations on the basis that "they should have abstained/been sterilised if they dobt want a child" so I don't understand why we vilify men for having sex then not being thrilled if a pregnancy results. Most people have a lot more sex that doesn't result in pregnancy, than that which does.

Ugh, there's always one saying that a pregnancy the man didn't want must be a "trap". Because contraception is infallible and can only fail if a woman (only a woman) really really wishes it to...

I have to say, the "couldn't do that to my child" types very often do end up doing that to their child. Sorry but there's no reason to think that a man who is selfish enough to stress out his pregnant partner will be a fantastic dad once they have the baby in their arms.

Start to think up some alternative plans. Just so you don't end up stuck. If you can afford it, it may not be the worst thing to get some space from him now, then at least you can enjoy your pregnancy with family and friends.

Clearly a lot of posters don’t realise how freaking difficult it is to be sterilised when you don’t have children. Most GPS won’t even refer you, a lot of surgeons refuse to carry out the surgery, it’s very frustrating as someone who never wants children to be told ‘if you already had kids it wouldn’t be an issue but you may change your mind’.

I think your DP is in a dark place and the chances of a baby pulling him out of it are slim. Doesn’t mean he won’t love the kid but more like I wouldn’t be shocked if he can’t cope. So I’d prepare to do it solo because expecting him to magically cope is only going put him further into that dark place.

Personally I'd get him to move out and get the help he needs. You can't walk around on eggshells for the next 5 months and let's face it, he's not supporting or helping you. It's all about him.

I'd only have him back on the strict condition that things can't be this way again. You need to put yourself and your baby first.

I have met women before who have openly admitted to trapping men.

Plenty of abusive men trap their partners via pregnancy and children. A way more effective trap because I'm sure like most of us you know many more men who've skipped out on their families than women who have tried to trap them with a family.

This man has depression. It's an illness. He can no.more buck up than someone with a physical illness. If he had cancer and the OP had posted the same, saying that she was unsupported etc would the results be the same?

I don't know the answer OP. I think you have to assume that your partner is unable to provide what you need and then plan accordingly.

It isn't his fault that he is unwell though.

Try and enjoy your pregnancy. Encourage your DP to get help but also give him permission to leave. Perhaps he would be better off living elsewhere and supporting you/visiting when he can.

He may have big frears about being a father because he didn't have one involved he may feel he won't know what to do, he may have ated his Father a lot and blamde him for his troubles, so can't imagine how he will ne a good role model. He needs to speak to someone and explore all this.

Look after yourself, be kind to yourself. Don't pin all your hopes on him "coming around". He may with flying colours. However, as he has already suffered a lot from bouts of depression, it is likely that even if he gets better this time that he will suffer again and you may want to make sure that you have the means to be independent if needed (e.g. go back to work after ML) as he may not be able to support you both financially and emotionally.

He is ill, so please don't feel guilty about "making his life miserable".

Sorry but there's no reason to think that a man who is selfish enough to stress out his pregnant partner will be a fantastic dad once they have the baby in their arms.

Not sure how he is being selfish here. He's grieving two losses and has just started anti depressants, then has just found out that he is having a child he never wanted. Yes it is partly his fault but it doesn't make him selfish to be upset about it.

Yes 'getting pregnant' is a two person activity unless you visit a sperm donor. Staying pregnant and choosing to become a parent is a one woman decision quite rightly. This is your decision. Pregnancy can be forced upon a couple either accidentally or planned by one partner. Parenthood cannot.

You can always argue 'I don't believe in termination or even MAP' but again those are the woman's moral rights and the man has no say in that. Your moral code cannot be forced upon another. The woman in an unplanned pregnancy has ALL the rights and with that decision if in contravention of the mans wishes , also leaves her with ALL the responsibilities save any financial costs required by law.

Sorry but I am thinking the same as @fanfan18 (15.54 page 1.)

As @Eliza9919 said (at 16.03,) rude thing to say, but probably some truth in it.

@reeree95

I would not count on this man staying with you. Especially as he has made it patently clear that he doesn't want a child.

So true, smaller.

Can I just add he has needed the therapy and AD's since the passing of his mum and this has just given him a push to get the help so he can try his best to step up and mature for all of us. This was just a shock as we had many other plans, which he was focusing on, that have now had to take a back seat.
Also, I'd never 'trap' my partner.

Tbh your update doesn’t make things any better. He was upset about DM but you being pregnant has now made him need help is the reality.

He doesn’t want a baby.

You being pregnant isn’t going to magically make him mature.
I’m sorry but I don’t see this ending happily for either of you, or that poor innocent baby.

Plenty of abusive men trap their partners via pregnancy and children. A way more effective trap because I'm sure like most of us you know many more men who've skipped out on their families than women who have tried to trap them with a family.

But at least women have the choice to carry on with a pregnancy or not, men don't.

He keeps saying he'll just need to spend the rest of his life miserable

I’d be really worried about this- he can’t live the rest of his life like this. When the harsh realities of a newborn kick in I’d be very worried his depression will escalate.

@VapeVamp12 They have complete control of where they put their sperm. Don't want a baby, don't engage in activities that can put you in the situation where you have no choice in the matter.

Namestheyareachangin

How realistic is that when you are in a relationship? There are loads of threads on here where women, who are married, openly say that they definitely do not want children. And neither do their husbands. Are you saying that those couples should abstain from sex? Likewise, the OP has married a man that she knows did not want children. Following your logic then, she married a man that she should not be having sex with. So why did she?

What a load of twaddle.

You want to do what is best for your baby's future welfare and happiness and it doesn't sound like your partner has a place in that scenario.
For the sake of your child, if not yourself, leave your partner and let him sort himself out. Don't inflict his misery and negativity on your baby.

This is difficult ... It sounds like you want everyone to tell you it's all going to be fine when the baby is here but there's a chance it won't be. Hopefully it will be, but maybe you should start making some plans or preparations just incase it's not? Like if he really feels he's going to be 'miserable forever' staying with you and the baby and if he is only staying with you because his own dad left him... Do you really think it's a good idea to stay with him? I guess you'll just have to wait and take it slow and see how he behaves when the baby is here. If he shows no sign of improvement, it might be best for everybody (especially the baby) if you leave and give him the space he clearly wants/needs because no child needs to grow up with a resentful and unhappy parent. It's not really fair on anyone in this situation - you, him, the baby. Nobody can tell you it's going to be okay because babies can put strain on even the healthiest, well balanced people and the most relaxed relationships. Are you in a situation where you could leave if necessary? If not maybe start making some back up plans for all of your sake. I also don't think you can really excitedly talk about the baby, sad as that is, because he might just spiral. He probably feels like he's got no control of his life at the moment with bereavements and now an unwanted pregnancy - 3 huge life changing and emotional events which have probably really unsettled him when he's already suffering with his MH. I feel so sorry for you to go through this while pregnant and emotional yourself, and I so hope everything works out for you. But just incase, maybe make some preparations to protect yourself and the baby incase it doesn't work out.