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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I want to talk about our baby

74 replies

reeree95 · 08/04/2019 15:10

My partner of 2 years has always been pretty sure he didn't want kids and certainly not anytime soon but I'm 4 months pregnant. He's had a lot of problems with MH and sought help after finding out we were expecting -he is now taking anti depressants- which I thought was a step in the right direction but he doesn't like to talk about our baby.
He keeps saying he'll just need to spend the rest of his life miserable as he wouldn't want me to get rid of the baby or leave me as his dad left before he was born and he couldn't do that to his child.
I feel like I'm constantly trying to avoid bringing up baby chat or starting to buy things as he'll just shut down or I'll be the cause of making his depression worse. I've got faith that he'll come around in another few months and will be an amazing dad when baby comes along but for now I just feel like I'm going through this pregnancy alone.
AIBU to expect more from someone who I knew didn't want us to have kids yet but is just in a generally bad place MH wise right now??

OP posts:

PeachesAndMayo · 08/04/2019 16:06

He's terrified. He's scared his MH issues will be passed on; scared he won't come up to the mark; scared he'll be rubbish; scared he'll hate the baby and want to leave; scared about the changes it'll bring. All you can do is be there for him, give him encouragement and be aware that he might run and not think the worse of him for that. He doesn't sound anything like ready to be a parent (but then none of us are) so good luck and God bless.

AcrossthePond55 · 08/04/2019 16:07

My DS1 is also 'brilliant with children', they actually flock to him! He does NOT want children of his own. A person can actually enjoy children, like being around them, play and have fun with them, and still not want the responsibility of having one of their own. So don't bank on the fact that he's 'brilliant' with children to mean that he's magically going to be father of the year.

Have you considered separating from him? Maybe let him have time on his own to work this through in his head? And you'd be free to enjoy your pregnancy without tiptoeing around him.

dustarr73 · 08/04/2019 16:08

{@AudTheDeepMinded not its not.Read between the lines.

Unfortunately it was a contraceptive accident. We have a lot of friends with children and we babysit often and he's brilliant with them
I've got faith that he'll come around in another few months and will be an amazing dad when baby comes along

Anyway the man should have covered himself,either vasectomy or condoms.aBut it reads to me that op thought she could change her dp mind

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 16:09

Continuing a pregnancy is a choice. He isn't compelled to ever step up or go along with it. He's showing you that he won't. I agree Eliza.

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 16:09

That being said, anyone that dead set against becoming a parent should get sterilised and use another form of birth control on top of that. No chance for accidents then.

Tawdrylocalbrouhaha · 08/04/2019 16:12

You can't change him, but you can take responsibility for not choosing to raise a child in an environment where one parent constantly blames their existence for making them miserable.

I would explain to your DP that you have no intention of living like that, and if he truly can't do any better, then he should leave now. It was of course a mistake to get pregnant in such a situation, but that ship has sailed.

Raspberry10 · 08/04/2019 16:13

You might as well bite the bullet and start talking about the baby and buying things for it. It isn’t going away, and weirdly might ease him into the idea rather than burying his head in the sand about it existing.

Have you thought about what you will have to do if he doesn’t ‘come around’? MH issues plus sleep deprivation aren’t going to make him any better, most men don’t feel an overwhelming love for their new child, it’s bit of a grower. I really think you need to plan for you and your child’s future without him.

birdiebirdiewoofwoof · 08/04/2019 16:14

maybe I'm being naive but I want to have hope that the help he's receiving is what he needs.

Hope by all means - it's early days, he may rise to the challenge. Just don't have blind faith that he will. Give serious thought to what you'll do if he doesn't. Have a plan. I know it's not nice to think about, and you may well be feeling pretty vulnerable and low on your own account. But your partner isn't well and there is some risk he won't get well enough to cope with this, or at least not in time.

One thing: you are not responsible for making his depression worse. This is something that can happen when people have sex. He chose to have sex. It happened. You can't fix the situation or him by pretending it's not happening. He may not be able to support you in the way you need, but you certainly shouldn't subsume your needs here either. You're allowed to prepare for your baby. This is a huge life event for you too. Get support from wherever you can, and do what you need to do.

Namestheyareachangin · 08/04/2019 16:14

He's going to be a crap dad OP. It's hard enough for parents who desperately wanted their child, never mind those who actively don't.

I feel for him as he never asked for any of this, but frankly he matters less than your baby now. Leave him now, as otherwise his unhappiness with his lot will take energy from you that your tiny child will need, whilst not putting anything back into the family pot. He can't bring himself make the break for himself obviously, but it's not just his decision. You should protect your child from living with a parent who doesn't love them.

Original poster

reeree95 · 08/04/2019 16:15

Can I just add he has needed the therapy and AD's since the passing of his mum and this has just given him a push to get the help so he can try his best to step up and mature for all of us.
This was just a shock as we had many other plans, which he was focusing on, that have now had to take a back seat.
Also, I'd never 'trap' my partner.

OP posts:

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/04/2019 16:22

AIBU to expect more from someone who I knew didn't want us to have kids yet but is just in a generally bad place MH wise right now??

Of course YANBU, but I don't think you should have any great expectations that he'll improve once baby arrives. If anything, the lack of sleep and everything else will probably make him worse, and you'll end up supporting him even more.

I think you need a serious chat about him not using his MH to duck his parental responsibilities; he has 'chosen' to have this baby too.

he wouldn't want me to get rid of the baby or leave me as his dad left before he was born and he couldn't do that to his child

To be honest, and sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I suspect motherhood will be as lonely as pregnancy.

MNSDKHheroines · 08/04/2019 16:23

This may not have been planned but you are allowed to be happy that you are pregnant. I'm sorry his MH is suffering but do you really want to look back on pregnancy as a miserable existence? The lack of sleep and disruption of a baby puts pressure on all couples. I sincerely hope your relationship survives and in a good way. I think you have to lower your hopes of his improving though and plan to be doing this alone.

TheGigglingGazelle · 08/04/2019 16:25

I've got faith that he'll come around in another few months and will be an amazing dad when baby comes along

Why? He's made it very clear he doesn't want this, and tbh your post about mum having passed recently and his having had to shelve other plans makes me feel sad for him. Sorry OP I know this sounds harsh, but it isn't a given that everyone 'comes around' to babies sooner or later.

I also think the idea that people who don't want children just need to 'mature' is a bit offensive quite frankly.

VapeVamp12 · 08/04/2019 16:31

I don't understand this at all.

Partner categorically doesn't want kids. I'm guessing you did / do. Why did you stay together if your life goals are that different?

I feel really sorry for your DP.

Happyspud · 08/04/2019 16:31

Having a baby doesn’t suddenly fix things.

Your DH is ill and now he’s also trapped in becoming an unwilling father. Imagine it was the mother in this situation struggling and I think you’d find that everyone would just want to help her cope. Maybe not chat about the baby. Put in place support and relief for when baby comes.

You need to separately get ready for becoming a mum and ready yourself for doing it alone.

Your DH is an adult and the best I think you can do for him is try to not make things harder for him. For himself he needs to work on coping and becoming well and coming to terms with being a father. The existence of a baby is not going to just make that happen unfortunately.

NunoGoncalves · 08/04/2019 16:33

The problem is that having a baby is HARD work. Go read all the threads on here by people talking about how difficult it was, especially for those with existing mental health problems. It can be very stressful time, even for people who desperately want kids. So for someone who doesn't, I certainly would not pin my hopes on him suddenly coming round. If anything, I'd be concerned that things could get much worse for him.

I'd also advise talking about the fact that having a father who lives elsewhere and sees you at the weekends (or whatever your arrangement) is better than having a father around full time who is depressed and wishes he never had you and thinks he has to make do with being miserable for the rest of his life just because of you. That certainly is not conducive to a healthy relationship or family atmosphere.

So by all means try to see if things improve, but at some point, if they don't, it will likely be much better for all of you if he moves out.

NunoGoncalves · 08/04/2019 16:34

Also I'm not sure AIBU is the best place for a thread like this. Maybe report your post OP and ask MHNQ to move it.

dustarr73 · 08/04/2019 16:37

Its all well and good thinking of his support.But wheres yours op.You need to get someone in your corner.You have to look after yourself and the baby now.So take a step back,and look after yourself.

neveradullmoment99 · 08/04/2019 16:38

I think you need to split up tbh. Its not like he wont see the baby. He can still be a dad just not as a couple. I would cool it with him now and who knows, maybe when he is better mentally, you could try to be with one another.

BarbarianMum · 08/04/2019 16:38

His MH isn't going to magically get better because you're pregnant, quite the opposite in fact.

You've decided to continue this pregnancy (Totally your choice of course) so now you need to put yourself and the baby first. It's sad that he can't give you what you need from him but fixing him is no longer your priority.

rubyroot · 08/04/2019 16:39

He's been your partner for two years. I had a baby with my partner of 20 years and we were both willing participants- that was a test of our relationship, so I hate to say it, it does not look good for yours!

Saying that, I don't think any man can really truly be with you during the pregnancy- after all the connection between the mum and unborn child is just that- between the mum and unborn child.

EmeraldShamrock · 08/04/2019 16:39

He is responsible for the pregnancy, as much as you are. His mind might settle on the AntiD. He comes across as very sensitive, it must be hard on your MH listening to it.
Congratulations on your baby

GetOffTheTableMabel · 08/04/2019 16:41

The thing is, in a few months, it’s not going to be about him, or about you. Your child will (I hope) become your overarching priority.

The amount of physical and emotional energy you have for your dp’s mh issues will be depleted. You are likely to need his support, not the other way around and he is letting you know now that he has nothing much to give.

How will your child’s life be living with one parent who, from before the time that they were born, had declared that parenthood represented a lifetime of misery for them?

Your child deserves to live only with people who want them, welcome them, support them and love them unconditionally. Please don’t make your child grow up alongside someone who blames them for their very existence.

YAmILikeDis · 08/04/2019 16:43

He’s grieving, he’s mentally ill and has only just started treatment, and dealing with an unplanned pregnancy.

That’s a LOT.

pouraglasshalffull · 08/04/2019 16:45

I think people are being very unfair to DP here. He cannot just switch off his depression, he said he didn't want children and appeared to be quite adamant about it and now , in the middle of the worst moments of his life, he's found out he is going to be a dad

Saying "he needs to change his priorities.." it doesn't work like that

I'm worried your DP may get suicidal once your child is here, if he already has the view the rest of his life will be miserable

It's unfair that you have to go through this extra stress whist carrying a baby, but for the sake of everyone's health, wellbeing and sanity, please try and get your DP more help and more counselling. This may spiral when baby arrives.

Saying "well he knew the risk... he needs to sort his priorities... he should've been sterilised" is not helpful at all. He needs help, now.

I'm sorry your having to go through this OP, my heart truly does go out to you, but please help your DP seek more professional help or I worry you may end up a single parent one way or another. A conversation is not enough here, he needs more

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