To be cross with DH

[JamieFrasersSassenach]

Name change here as this could be very outing.
DS 11 has just had his appendix out - got sick thurs night/fri morning, took him to GP fri morning, in hospital at 1.30pm friday. DH came to hospital with us on Fri, I stayed overnight - very little sleep as DS poorly and general childrens ward noise. DH back early Saturday morning with supplies.
DS operated on Sat morning, all went well. DH insisted he would stay Sat night at hospital - I checked several times if he was absolutely sure as I would have been happy to do so.
DS really suffering with nausea from anaesthesia and severe pain from air trapped inside (normal for laparoscopic procedure) DS gets quite panicky with pain and was very tearful about the pain - I am very calm in these situations and believe he needs to be reassured but allowed to express his pain. DH gets very uptight though and tells DS not to get in a state and to calm down. DS asks me to stay as long as possible.
I left the ward at 9.30pm Sat night once DS was asleep and was back there 9.30am Sun morning.
DH didn't get any sleep because another parent on the ward was snoring and a sick baby was crying.

DS discharged around 11.30am, we come home. DH flakes out (totally understandable). Around 2pm DS shoulder is really hurting where the air is trapped, his wounds from the op are hurting, he's been asleep and overdue painkillers so gets really panicky about the pain and is crying/shouting about it. I am trying to soothe him and reassure him that it's ok, it will get better etc etc.
DH gets the right arse and, imo, is telling DS off for getting so upset.
I get cross with DH, who storms off and I think slams a door.
5 minutes later DH is back saying he passed out (he is quite good at fainting) and it's all my fault because I shouted him down, and then starts effing. All in front of DS, who I am still trying to help calm down. I can feel DS getting upset again so say to him very calmly, calm down it's ok.
DH then storms out, drives to the shop to get peppermints for DS (to help with dispersing the trapped air).
By the time he comes back DS is asleep.
I begin to say to DH that I'm not happy with the way he spoke to me or DS earlier, only to be told how cross DH is with me, and how useless I have made him feel, he then goes and sulks/falls asleep and has been in bed ever since.
So, if you've made it this far - well done! AIBU to feel cross with him?

feckity
Thanks for your response. I misinterpreted what you said about if it turned out to be a medical issue but it looks as if you know far more than me on that front. In any case I was agreeing with you if my post wasn’t clear.

Jamie
Your poor boy. He shouldn’t have to feel like that on top of everything else. Good luck with the chat.

Tbf I have psychologically caused fits and would abruptly leave if I felt one coming on so I didn't scare DS. However overall I think it sounds a very stressful and upsetting situation and you all need to be kind to each other

I don't think he will see that - I think he's stuck on thinking I shouldn't have told him not to keep telling DS to calm down - he sees it that I was questioning his parenting, which if I had walked in to the room and said it I would agree, but I was sitting with DS who was screaming in pain and trying to console him. Ach - I think I'm bashing my head on a brick wall with DH on this one.

Can you try getting him to look at it objectively - he was shouting (?) at DS to calm down. Was that working? Or was DS getting more upset? Was DS being unreasonable or was his approach making the situation worse? Does he think potentially there is a different way to handle this situation without it escalating to shouting and swearing?

I think if he could accept that the way he was speaking to DS was not very nice we would have a point to work from. As far as he sees it he was being nice - I just don't think he hears his own tone or he has chosen to remember what happened differently to reality. And no, it wasn't helping, if anything it was making DS worse. I will try to discuss it with DH again towards the end of the week when the heat and emotion has died down.

My DH can be ra5her like this.

When DD1 had a perforated appendix removed, aged six and very poorly, my DH waited for her to com back from theatre then buggered off for a 'break' leaving me to cope with DD1 coming round distressed and DD2 aged 4 months. He didn't reappear until after work the next day. Apparently I was unreasonable for feeling let down by that.

Like your DH, he gets so caught up in his own emotions and how hard it is for him, he can't understand that anyone else should be the priority. If someone else is distressed, he has to make sure we all know he's having a hard time too. He expects me to look after him as well as managing whatever else is going on and it never occurs to him that his role could be to offer me or someone else some support.

I hope you can get your DH to see that he has needs to grow up and start considering the impact his behaviour has on others.

@Goldmandra

How did you forgive/move on from that?!

I'm not sure I've ever forgiven him for doing that to us.

These days I just don't expect him to be supportive in a crisis and it's a bonus if he manages it. The girls are much older now and just don't turn to him for that sort of support ever.

It's not great but it's also not horrific.

@Goldmandra that sounds awful, poor you and your girls
It does sound quite similar, mine has moped around all day and not really spoken. I cannot be arsed to talk to him really either - I'm working all of tomorrow and wednesday so won't really have to see or speak to him until wednesday evening at which time I will endeavour to talk to him again about what happened.
I just don't think he will ever change, which makes me feel very sad, but I will let him know that behaving like he did is totally unacceptable.

I faint easily. Always have since l was a child. I have low blood pressure and jumping up suddenly or standing in one position brings it on. I would never last in a passing out parade. But l rarely actually faint these days as l am very familiar with the symptoms so lie down/ sit down immediately and let it pass.Hunger, tiredness and hot sticky situations can bring it on.
But l would never be a danger driving as l am sitting and have plenty of warning.

It always happens when l am standing.
I am no way a drama queen although l try to keep it as low key as possible to avoid that accusation. My dh and all my family are familiar with my symptoms and last thing l would need is someone not taking me seriously or helping me at that moment eg finding me a chair, getting me out of the situation. My dh does all queuing and l only join at the last moment etc.
I can get distressed if l feel it coming on and would be very agitated if my companions didn't take me seriously.

For those talking about how unsafe he is driving the op has already said it's postural hypotension which wouldn't occur when sat for long periods. It's not a seizure.

I have in the past had to point out to individuals is similar but way less serious situation (ie where they were prioritising their needs over the needs of the minor in their care) that at this point in time they - the adult human - is not the priority and what they want doesn't matter.

Way easier to do it over a minor situation though than what you are dealing with.