To be cross with DH

[JamieFrasersSassenach]

Name change here as this could be very outing.
DS 11 has just had his appendix out - got sick thurs night/fri morning, took him to GP fri morning, in hospital at 1.30pm friday. DH came to hospital with us on Fri, I stayed overnight - very little sleep as DS poorly and general childrens ward noise. DH back early Saturday morning with supplies.
DS operated on Sat morning, all went well. DH insisted he would stay Sat night at hospital - I checked several times if he was absolutely sure as I would have been happy to do so.
DS really suffering with nausea from anaesthesia and severe pain from air trapped inside (normal for laparoscopic procedure) DS gets quite panicky with pain and was very tearful about the pain - I am very calm in these situations and believe he needs to be reassured but allowed to express his pain. DH gets very uptight though and tells DS not to get in a state and to calm down. DS asks me to stay as long as possible.
I left the ward at 9.30pm Sat night once DS was asleep and was back there 9.30am Sun morning.
DH didn't get any sleep because another parent on the ward was snoring and a sick baby was crying.

DS discharged around 11.30am, we come home. DH flakes out (totally understandable). Around 2pm DS shoulder is really hurting where the air is trapped, his wounds from the op are hurting, he's been asleep and overdue painkillers so gets really panicky about the pain and is crying/shouting about it. I am trying to soothe him and reassure him that it's ok, it will get better etc etc.
DH gets the right arse and, imo, is telling DS off for getting so upset.
I get cross with DH, who storms off and I think slams a door.
5 minutes later DH is back saying he passed out (he is quite good at fainting) and it's all my fault because I shouted him down, and then starts effing. All in front of DS, who I am still trying to help calm down. I can feel DS getting upset again so say to him very calmly, calm down it's ok.
DH then storms out, drives to the shop to get peppermints for DS (to help with dispersing the trapped air).
By the time he comes back DS is asleep.
I begin to say to DH that I'm not happy with the way he spoke to me or DS earlier, only to be told how cross DH is with me, and how useless I have made him feel, he then goes and sulks/falls asleep and has been in bed ever since.
So, if you've made it this far - well done! AIBU to feel cross with him?

I remember the wind pain , even though my surgery was 20 years ago, it was agony. Had to have Pethadine injections, peppermint was absolutely useless. I have every sympathy with your DS, your DH needs to grow up, if he faints so easily, can’t imagine how he’d deal with real pain.

Does the onus of behaviour modification in order to prevent all out chaos lie solely on op's shoulders?

Absolutely not. But a genuine medical issue does need help from the sufferer's family and friends, providing (imo) that they are doing everything in their power to help themselves first.

(I must admit I do think a 5 minute "turn around" from fainting a little dubious though if I'm totally honest.)

@madaboutwands I spent some time in the military. Faint on parade and you’re disciplined, because you should be able to control it. Most people who faint in basic only do so once which does suggest that yes there are steps you can take even when you can’t choose what to wear, not to overheat, to open your collar or to move. I’ve also spend time volunteering with cadets (aka teenagers). If they parade they are told to take a knee if they feel faint. If they fight a faint staff will spot it and either make them take a knee or catch them. Very rarely do they go down with no warning or time to intervene.

Most people who faint regularly know their triggers and warning signs.

So yes, I’d expect an adult who’s family describes them as ‘good at fainting’ to have a handle on knowing it’s coming and taking appropriate action to prevent it. I’d also expect them to have a conversation with their doctor about it.

If he's genuinely passing out then he needs to see a doctor. Fainting on parade is one thing, as I understand it it's generally down to the blood pooling in your feet? It has an explicable cause, anyway, which is the main thing. If he is fainting without an explicable cause it needs to be looked into because that could be a sign of something serious - even if not, having it investigated might help to find the triggers and allow him to avoid or control them.

If he's doing a Victorian heroine faint, hand dramatically on the forehead type thing, wtf? But surely not?

Hope your DS feels better soon. He is the poorly one here so whatever else is going on, his father needs to try and avoid adding to his stress levels - that's a given.

feckity
Fainting through anxiety is a real medical problem. The vagus nerve becomes over stimulated and causes vasco vagal syncope. The vagus nerve regulates the heart beat. The posters on here don’t just look stupid.

GemmeFatale
You can’t always prevent a faint even as an adult. I can know it’s coming, take precautions and still faint but just not black out completely. There are several types of syncope (fainting).

I'd expect someone who faints because they get shouted at to be sympathetic to a child panicking due to pain!

Wait til he's had some sleep and then have a long, quiet, determined talk with him.

Not the main point of the thread I know, but there is no point in giving peppermint for laparoscopy pain.
It’s not wind in the gut, it’s carbon dioxide in the peritoneal cavity, which isn’t connected to your stomach or bowel at all, so you can’t burp the gas out.
The shoulder pain is nothing to do with the shoulder itself either - it’s referred pain from underneath the diaphragm, again due to gas in the peritoneal cavity which has risen to that level. The diaphragm and shoulder share the same cervical nerve roots.
It sounds like the surgeon didn’t properly decompress the gas through the laparoscope before pulling it out of the abdomen. I always reminded trainee surgeons to do it (I’m a retired anaesthetist), as it greatly reduces post op pain.
On the main topic, that of your DH’s response to stress or DC illness/pain, I think you need a calm discussion later when all this has settled down, about supporting and prioritising DC when unwell, and finding ways to relieve DH’s worry and help him be a more effective parent. Cooperation to achieve this will be more effective than telling him off, however tempting (and richly deserved) that may be!

I think you are being unreasonable. In times of stress we should look out for and care for each other with love.

No excuses for him OP, BUT having had a few emergency medical school in our family I would say that stress, pain and cumulative lack of sleep really don't bring out the best in any of us...sometimes our loved ones act bizarrely and selfishly! I think your DH will soon realise that he hasn't modelled the best behaviour and been shame faced.
My DH had a burst appendix about 8 years back....when I went to collect him from hospital i recall feeling a strange mix of relief that he was ok and anger that our iminent and long awaited holiday plans would have to be shelved! I have admitted that to DH and am ashamed. I'm just saying that sometimes these stress situations can make people act like tits - doesn't mean they're bad through and through.

I also faint easily when really stressed. My blood pressure goes through the roof - it's usually normal. I fainted recently when having a facet joint infection, and I was panicking so much that the nurse couldn't get a bp reading from me, the machine wouldn't stabilise. It's not something you can control, even on anti anxiety meds I have fainted. I think some of the responses on here are very harsh - anxiety does not just occur in Victorian ladies in coats, but we're expected to believe real men don't have panic attacks. Nasty.

Corsets not coats.

This morning's update:
I slept in the spare bed with DS who is much brighter this morning thankfully - I think the trapped gas has gone now as his shoulder is no longer hurting - yay! He is still obviously very sore around his tummy but coping well with that.

DH slept all night and has taken today off work - he is still sleeping.

Re the fainting - he goes down like a sack of potatoes when he faints so it's definitely not faked. It usually only happens when he is ill, but he does suffer with postural hypertension so if he stands up quickly gets very dizzy. I honestly think the fainting was a combination of exhaustion and anxiety.

However, that absolutely does not excuse his shouting and swearing. I am coming to realise that this is an issue - he is very stubborn (as am I!) I believe though that I try really hard to see things from his perspective - I'm not sure he does the same for me.
His father is a miserable old git alot of the time and I am worried that he will end up the same. I just need to find a way to broach this with him without getting into an argument.
At the moment I am feeling frustrated as DH is still in bed, I'm self employed and now may not be able to work this week as someone needs to look after DS. I have asked DH if he can work from home 2 mornings this week so I can go to work, he doesn't know and needs to think about it.
I know you are all going to say I need to grow a pair and call him out, and maybe I do, life is never that simple though is it?

He has fainting episodes and he still drives!!!! He drove immediately after a spontaneous faint and you seem to think that is normal. You are thinking of challenging him on being moody. Not calling the police on his dangerous driving?! What planet are you on?

Take his car keys before he kills someone.

Get him to the GP. Get him reported to the DVLA. Get his license taken.

Fucking bastard, driving for fucking peppermints when he's fainting randomly. And you doing nothing to stop the potentially murdering bastard.

There have been three fatalities on my road in the last four years through utter cunts driving when they shouldn't have been on the road because they didn't want to lose their freedom to drive. Shame about other people's freedom to be alive.

Get your priorities right.

Sounds like his shouting and swearing is just a (slightly) grown up version of your son's reaction to distress.

You'd think he'd be mature enough to recognise that in himself, when he's had time to sleep it off.

I think you need to have a serious conversation about the effect of his behaviour on you and DS but wait until he is a bit calmer

@Poppyinafieldofdreams

I think you are being unreasonable. In times of stress we should look out for and care for each other with love

Yes we should. Which is why the OP told her husband to stop bollocking their CHILD for being in pain and frightened. Apparently this loving care should only go to the poor, stressed out adult man, not the post-surgical little boy?

OP just ask yourself what would Jamie Fraser do?

Cobblett - that's a big part of the problem - I know Jamie Fraser would not have done any of the things DH did, and if he had, he would have apologised by now!

mummyoflittledragon i was actually referring to pp who have called op's dh 'childish and pathetic' for fainting as looking stupid for making comments before op explained he does actually faint.some people are too quick to judge without knowing the full facts.
thank you for the medical info and the causes but i'm a nurse so am aware of them.

So, DH and I have had a brief chat - he is still cross with me for telling him not to tell DS to calm down when he was screaming in agony. I have explained that it sounded as though he was telling DS off - he says he wasn't, and so we go around in circles. I have also said that regardless of that I don't think there is any excuse for him effing and blinding at me ever, especially not in front of DS. For that he has apologised.
DS has just said he hopes his Dad is less angry today

@JamieFrasersSassenach thanks for clarifying re the fainting - on that basis he really does need to report to the GP for investigation and stop driving, as a PP said rather intemperately he could kill someone easily if he became tired and agitated at the wheel, on the motorway(!). It's not acceptable for him to play the odds like this because it 'normally' happens when he's ill. It could happen any time.

re tackling him, I feel your pain. My OH is flipping rubbish in a crisis, and resorts to anger more often than not. I hate it. But confronting it doesn't work, never has, makes him angrier at the time, and afterwards he downplays it, says it hardly happens or wasn't as bad as I say. Drives me nuts.

The only thing that has really helped was after one particularly disastrous car journey where he swore at me vilely and shouted so much he terrified our baby daughter, I told him that if he EVER used those words to me again or behaved like that in front of her I would leave him without a second thought, that I would NOT accept him treating her like that because he couldn't cope. I told him I'd help him as much as I could to develop strategies to manage his anxiety but the bottom line, and it was down to him to ensure he didn't get into another situation where he couldn't cope or restrain himself. I said I wasn't interested in his assessment of his behaviour or any excuses or attempts to shift the blame. End of conversation.

So now we never drive anywhere near the M25 together; if he is kicking off I don't engage and if it gets heated I tell him to leave the space our child is in. He has learned to control himself as much as he is able and when he can't he has learned to absent himself. I would love it if things were different. But as you say not always that simple.

The important thing is he has to absolutely believe you mean what you say. My OH had been doing this carry on for years before we had a child, I'd tell him I didn't like it, wouldn't put up with it etc. Never had much impact. Then it had an effect on our daughter and when I said if it happened again it was over I meant it in cold blood. And he knew it.

When our son had an op I discouraged my DH to be there as I knew I wouldn't cope with both.
Poor you sounds like your H is acting like a spoiled brat.

I think he is acting like a spoiled brat!! I said I will ask my DM or his DM to come and stay for a couple of days so I can work. He said not to ask his DM as she will wind him up!! FFS!!! Anyway, my DM is coming (she winds me up, but needs must!).
I have decided to wait for a few days until the dust has well and truly settled and then have a frank conversation with him about everything. He is behaving like a child at the moment, I will wait until he is adulting again and then deal with it all.

I had a very angry and violent (toward me) father and my DM just stood by and watched, often backing him up. I do not want this for DS and so I know that I may sometimes be over sensitive to DH's parenting. On this occasion I don't believe I was being over sensitive. If I ever felt that he was becoming/behaving like my Father I would leave him. So maybe that is a conversation I need to have with him.
I don't want DS growing up feeling in any way responsible for his DF's moods.

It sounds to me like you have the right ideas, OP. An adult's role is to reassure a distressed child, not shout at them and get into poorliest competition. Your DH may see how inappropriate his behaviour has been once it has all calmed a bit. If not, you will have to have a calm but serious conversation. But you know that.