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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be cross with DH

87 replies

JamieFrasersSassenach · 07/04/2019 21:44

Name change here as this could be very outing.
DS 11 has just had his appendix out - got sick thurs night/fri morning, took him to GP fri morning, in hospital at 1.30pm friday. DH came to hospital with us on Fri, I stayed overnight - very little sleep as DS poorly and general childrens ward noise. DH back early Saturday morning with supplies.
DS operated on Sat morning, all went well. DH insisted he would stay Sat night at hospital - I checked several times if he was absolutely sure as I would have been happy to do so.
DS really suffering with nausea from anaesthesia and severe pain from air trapped inside (normal for laparoscopic procedure) DS gets quite panicky with pain and was very tearful about the pain - I am very calm in these situations and believe he needs to be reassured but allowed to express his pain. DH gets very uptight though and tells DS not to get in a state and to calm down. DS asks me to stay as long as possible.
I left the ward at 9.30pm Sat night once DS was asleep and was back there 9.30am Sun morning.
DH didn't get any sleep because another parent on the ward was snoring and a sick baby was crying.

DS discharged around 11.30am, we come home. DH flakes out (totally understandable). Around 2pm DS shoulder is really hurting where the air is trapped, his wounds from the op are hurting, he's been asleep and overdue painkillers so gets really panicky about the pain and is crying/shouting about it. I am trying to soothe him and reassure him that it's ok, it will get better etc etc.
DH gets the right arse and, imo, is telling DS off for getting so upset.
I get cross with DH, who storms off and I think slams a door.
5 minutes later DH is back saying he passed out (he is quite good at fainting) and it's all my fault because I shouted him down, and then starts effing. All in front of DS, who I am still trying to help calm down. I can feel DS getting upset again so say to him very calmly, calm down it's ok.
DH then storms out, drives to the shop to get peppermints for DS (to help with dispersing the trapped air).
By the time he comes back DS is asleep.
I begin to say to DH that I'm not happy with the way he spoke to me or DS earlier, only to be told how cross DH is with me, and how useless I have made him feel, he then goes and sulks/falls asleep and has been in bed ever since.
So, if you've made it this far - well done! AIBU to feel cross with him?

OP posts:

Frouby · 08/04/2019 07:26

Fucking fainting? What do you mean, like full on collapse when he doesn't get his own way?

Would bury that fucker in smelling salts. Or slap him so hard around the face with a wet fish his face would be in the next county. Drama llamas get no sympathy here.

Dh gets shouty in emergencies. Think it's just how he deals with stuff, but he knows not to shout at me or the kids or he would be having his own emergency. I don't care how tired or stressed someone is, you control yourself. You don't make the situation worse by shouting and then fainting like your corsets are too tight. Dickhead.

labazsisgoingmad · 08/04/2019 07:38

get the smelling salts oh is m'ladies corset too tight! what a tosser its not about him its about your dc and no one else at the moment your child is in pain discomfort and shock he needs two sympathetic parents not one and a twat

DontdoitDoris · 08/04/2019 07:39

Innocent
My DSis used to do this in response to not getting her own way.
Pretend faint in dramatic style.
Very manipulative but we just stepped over her and carried on as normal.
She grew out of it

Hazlenutpie · 08/04/2019 07:40

Dear god, what a complete and utter waste of space your DH is. I hope your DS is soon feeling better. I don’t know what you do about DH. 💐

FrozenMargarita17 · 08/04/2019 07:42

I need to know more about the fainting ...

Innocentinfamy · 08/04/2019 07:53

Love it Doris
Perhaps op could employ same approach when her dh "faints"

Littlebluebird123 · 08/04/2019 07:54

Whilst he was out of order, I think he was panicking - similar to D's perhaps as was suggested by a pp.

He should be able to reign it in as he's an adult but he obviously wasn't coping well. I know it's hard but I think you could cut him some slack. Try and talk about it when you're both a bit calmer.

My DH is a proper panicker in these types of situations. Fortunately/unfortunately due to a variety of medical issues with our dcs I'm well practised in giving him things to do to help him control the panic and remain calm. He gets so stressed about it he can't think straight. He's normally an amazing dad, and very good in other stressful situations, just not medical.

QueenDoria · 08/04/2019 08:04

I think you might need to cut DH some slack...
If he reacts to stressful situations with fainting and panic, he might need keeping away from stressful situations...
if he sleeps it off and then apologised for the swearing then you might alll be able to move forward.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/04/2019 08:05

I’m assuming the fainting is genuine. It sounds anxiety based. I think some of the posts on here are really nasty. I fainted after a blood test once. It was the idea of the test and because it was a fasting test. Then I had ivf and had to work on my anxiety. I had a lot worse than a little blood test. Dd is following suit. Nothing to do with my reactions though.

I’d be annoyed with the behaviour. Not the fainting. That is a by product. If he works on his anxiety the fainting won’t happen. However getting angry will make him shut down. Get concerned for him. He needs to do something about this.

QueenDoria · 08/04/2019 08:05

This is why men were kept away from labouring women for thousands of years. Let him go out and kill a bison instead.

chocatoo · 08/04/2019 08:14

He sounds a bit wet...a fit of the vapours because you didn’t comply!

kateandme · 08/04/2019 08:16

some of these coment are a bit harsh.fainting is something with people who suffer with severe anxiety.the body shuts odwn so much in fight or fight and protect that the sufferer can faint.its not something to laugh or take the piss about if this is genuine.ive seen it and its fucking scary for the people involved.
it can be particular common with PTSD anxiety.

crimsonlake · 08/04/2019 08:22

I am always amazed by the amount of posters who come on here to vent about their dp / dh only to back it up by saying ' they are wonderful really. ' What is this fainting business all about, talk about drama ??

mrsmuddlepies · 08/04/2019 08:23

Some horribly sexist comments on here. Everyone gets stressed in stressful situations. If he is normally a good father why make things worse by name calling ( you may not OP but there are some really nasty comments on here). It is a good example of a thread which castigates men for medical problems.

Memeface · 08/04/2019 08:26

Actually, I think if a poster came on to say her sister or mum had fainted during an argument, the replies would be exactly the same.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 08/04/2019 08:26

He fainted? Really?

Mascarponeandwine · 08/04/2019 08:32

Do nothing until everyone has had some sleep and you are not in immediate crisis mode. If he’s the good father and husband you say he is, he’ll apologise.

My son had this op and it’s scary as parents, none of it is in your control and sleeping on a children’s ward with all the beeping is impossible. High stress survival situation. Do whatever you can to get through then review how you feel and tak about it then.

If he still says it’s your fault then you have bigger problems with the relationship outside of this specific stressful situation.

MadAboutWands · 08/04/2019 08:35

I think some of you are very unfair.
Some people DO faint very easily and it’s certainly not because we are talking about a man that it’s not happening. I agree some of the comments/posters are actually being very sexist and just as bad as the OP’s DH re ‘man up and stop being flaky’.

If he is prone to fainting, then he will know his triggers and whether stress is an aggravating factor. Or tiredness.....
However, this does NOT mean the OP role is ensure he is never under stress at all and that the OP role is to ensure there is never any stress/tiredness going his way to avoid the fainting. And of course, this has nothing to do with the way he talked to his child.

You need a discussion there OP about the way he comes across. But also how he can not deflect responsibility or his uneasiness/guilt onto you (that’s what he did with the fainting and making it your fault. What was about your ds and your DH reaction to him has now become someth8ng between you and him and you being responsible - of everyth8ng it seems....)

MadAboutWands · 08/04/2019 08:38

I have to wonder.
Can the posters who think that it’s possible to control fainting explain how you do it??
Do you have a special recipe or is it just about about ‘making up or pulling your socks and stoping being a baby’? A bit like what people used to say about panic attacks or depression??

That’s a new level of ignorance :(

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 08/04/2019 08:49

I have "a fit of the vapours" when I'm severely stressed. It's a form of epilepsy so I think your husband needs checking out.

I'd personally leave it for now as other PP have said and discuss it calmly when everyone is better rested.

I do think you may have to hold your hands up and admit that getting cross with your husband in the first place was probably a mistake seeing as you know how he reacts. However I also think that as part of that conversation you need to tell your husband that unless he starts helping himself with his fainting (by seeing a doctor and following medical advice) then you're not prepared to make any "allowances" for his "condition".

Wishing your DS a speedy recovery.

BeanTownNancy · 08/04/2019 08:53

He's tired from not sleeping, stressed and probably terribly worried about his son. Personally, I'd be a little sympathetic, but yes I would still tell him that he shouldn't act that way in front of his son - all he's doing is reinforcing to his child that the way to deal with an injury/sickness/emergency is to get stressed and start shouting instead of trying to remain calm and get through it.

I would also be concerned about the fainting - he needs treatment if this is something which happens frequently when stressed.

Don't let him put this on you, either.

fecketyfeck21 · 08/04/2019 09:00

it would be helpfulif op could clarify the fainting thing. if it's a real medical problem some posters on here are gong to look really stupid.

KurriKurri · 08/04/2019 09:01

Seeting aside the fainting (which sounds a bit dramatic - but I have known people who fait through stress) I would guess your Dh was really frighgtened and worried by seeing your DS sick and having to gothrough an operation and the stress is now coming out as obnoxious behaviour. Some people cope very badly with expressing their fear and worry (my XH used to be foul to everyone if he was worried or frightened).
It sounds as if you cope better (not that you were any less worried, but that you are better at articulating it and expressing your worry in a practical way by doing what needs to be done).
I would sit down with your Dh say encourage him to express his fears over about your DS's illness, about his feelings of helplessness in the face of seeing his child in pain, and suggest that you support each other and make sure you don't squabble in front of Ds as what matters now is him recovering.
Get him to do something practical - like think of somethings that will interest or occupy your DS while he's recovering - some films they can watch or games they can play.

He's reacted badly, but don't prolong it - give him a way back in to helping your son rather than storming off. Then at a later date you can talk about how he can regulate his reaction to stressful situations.

hope the peppermint works soon for your boy - post op trapped wind is the worse (moving around helps also - if he can manage it)

Innocentinfamy · 08/04/2019 09:03

Feeling suitably chastised about my pp now.
Has op confirmed that these are indeed genuine fainting spells?
Does the onus of behaviour modification in order to prevent all out chaos lie solely on op's shoulders?

madcatladyforever · 08/04/2019 09:05

He fainted because you shouted at him hahahahaha.

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