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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex brought social services into our lives, AIBU to not want him seeing DD anymore

67 replies

Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 13:55

Ex and I split up 6 years ago. We have one DD together.

He's never been a 'great' father, passable at best. She was always physically looked after, spoiled with plastic crap etc, the usual disney dad stuff, but she adored seeing her dad and he was no danger to her.

He was always going from woman to woman, DD is use to his new girlfriends etc. However, about 6 months ago I got a phone call from SS about DD. Her dads new partner has had her own children removed by SS and they were concerned that DD was spending time with her, wanted more information about the family set up etc. I was absolutely FURIOUS at ex. He said it was all rubbish, she'd been set up etc Hmm,, she was no danger to DD. I said he couldn't see DD with this woman so he stopped seeing her for 6 months (DD not the woman).

3 weeks ago he calls and says he misses DD dearly, he has split up with this woman and can he please please please see DD again. We start off slowly a few hours here and there. DD over the moon seeing her dad etc.

However it turns out this is all bullshit and he is still living with this woman. He has promised he won't have DD around her as he knows he isn't allowed to. But I don't trust him an inch (even though DD would tell me)

I don't want him seeing DD whilst he is with this woman. I don't want to leave DD with someone I don't trust even if it is her father. He is a compulsive liar. And also, what kind of headspace is he in to even entertain the idea of a relationship with this woman? He is incapable of putting his child's needs first.

AIBU to tell him whilst he is with her he can't see DD?

FWIW, DD is use to him just dropping in and out so it won't be awfully devastating for her but I have always tried to maintain a relationship with her dad for her sake.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 07/04/2019 14:00

Yanbu

BadgerBadgerMushroom · 07/04/2019 14:01

Do you have any information about why the new partner had her children taken away? I'd be very wary. I think you're doing the right thing.

MIA12 · 07/04/2019 14:01

What did social services advise?

I don’t see how you can trust him to keep your DD safe when he’s a compulsive liar who will prioritise this woman over his relationship with his DD.

justilou1 · 07/04/2019 14:03

You know he's a compulsive liar. Why would you wait for your intuition to be proven right when it comes to your child's safety? SS have given you all the information that you need to work with. Don't trust either of them.

FindPrimeLorca · 07/04/2019 14:04

He lied. From now on you simply cannot trust him to stick to his promises about keeping your DD safe. Are there grandparents or other trustworthy relatives with whom he could have supervised contact?

DizzyPhillips · 07/04/2019 14:04

YANBU.

But since she adores her dad so much, for her sake I wouldn’t ban it altogether. I’d say he needs to come to yours and spend time with her there, or nothing.

Doyoumind · 07/04/2019 14:08

I would suggest supervised contact. He can't be trusted but a court would likely think some kind of contact would be in your DD's best interests.

Original poster
Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 14:11

General neglect, unsuitable relationships, drugs and I think it spiralled from there and she just didn’t get her kids back. He said it was because of domestic violence in a previous relationship.

He’s making me feel bad about not letting him see DD as he has promised not to have her around his partner. I can see his point but I don’t want him having her at all whilst he is with her. He’s acting like you can’t help who you fall in love with Hmm

He is choosing to be with this woman even
Though it means he can’t see DD. He says I’m blackmailing him.

He flatly refuses to see her at my house.

OP posts:
pbdr · 07/04/2019 14:12

I agree with supervised contact; it is not fair of you to decide on your DDs behalf that she is not allowed a relationship with her father. You need to find a way to facilitate this that does not put DD at any risk.

And just to pick up on your title about his offence being the fact he 'brought social services into our lives'; social services are on your side and want to keep your DD safe, just as you do. The issue is that he brought a woman into her life who has a history which makes her not suitable to be involved with your child, not that social services are looking out for her interests.

Original poster
Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 14:12

I’ve told him to take me to court. He said no as it costs too much!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 14:14

@pbdr I completely understand where you are coming from. But I fucking resent having to now facilitate and arrange supervised contact because he can’t be a decent father.

OP posts:
GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/04/2019 14:16

Could you contact social services yourself to discuss this? They will be receptive and happy to advise you and your own reputation with them as a proactive and protective parent will be consolidated.

S1naidSucks · 07/04/2019 14:17

I would contact social services for advice and tell them exactly what has happened. I’m not involved in SS work in any way, but would be worried that ss would judge you (I’m not btw) for permitting him to see the children if she’s still on the scene. Mother’s have often come on here to say ss has threatened them with having their children removed because they’re in bad relationships. I understand these circumstances are a bit different but I would still seek professional advice.

S1naidSucks · 07/04/2019 14:18

Mothers *

Doyoumind · 07/04/2019 14:19

Going to court will cost him £215 and a day off work. Is his daughter not worth that to him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2019 14:20

He is choosing his relationship over his child. YANBU. He says you’re blackmailing him. That’s awful. He’s blackmailing you.

Margot33 · 07/04/2019 14:20

Yes do not allow contact. Keep her safe. Ss do not remove children for little things. For all you know it could be sexual abuse. Please keep your daughter safe. Your ex has made his decision. Leave him to it.

CanuckBC · 07/04/2019 14:21

He should be the one to arrange and facilitate supervised contact at a facility as he had made his place of resident no longer suitable. Only a proper professional facility will suffice. I would ask SS for the list, forward it to him and advise that these are the only locations you will accept for contact. Circle the ones that are feasible for distance. Give him dates and times for the next month that are possible for him to set up. Done.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 07/04/2019 14:22

I'd contact the SS department who spoke to you, and tell them about his deception. They will advise you, and this will also make it clear that you were unaware of the real situation at the time. It's important that you are seen to not be involved in the deception and that you show how keen you are to protect your daughter.

He has been offered contact at your house and refused. So he has been given a way of maintaining a relationship with his daughter without putting her at any risk. He has shown that he will lie if it suits him, so you can't trust anything he says. If he won't accept a contact centre then I wouldn't be offering anything else.

pbdr · 07/04/2019 14:23

I definitely sympathise, and it is not fair on you, but this is about what is best for DD. You can resent it and feel hard done by and you are right, but it is not about you, it is about DD. Being a good mum means doing right by your children, however distasteful or frustrating it is for you. She has a right to have a relationship with her dad, and if he is failing her then she is depending on you to be the bigger person and do what needs to be done, for her sake.
I'm really sorry you are in this situation.

BadgerBadgerMushroom · 07/04/2019 14:24

CAB might be able to advise? Or like pp has said ask SS directly what they would advise. I'm in a similar situation with dsc but it's their mum that doesn't see the problem and actually married the person who ss were unhappy with! It's really hard sometimes to know what's best for the children so I do feel for you.

PerfectPeony2 · 07/04/2019 14:24

Yanbu it takes a lot to have your children taken from you and it sounds very serious. I wouldn’t want my child anywhere near a situation like that either.

Whatad · 07/04/2019 14:25

What's the problem with facilitating supervised contact?

DeRigueurMortis · 07/04/2019 14:26

The fact he can't see what the problem is, is the problem in itself.

It demonstrates very poor judgement wrt the safeguarding of your DD.

Don't give in to the emotional blackmail.

He knows what he needs to do but chooses not to - that's solely on him.

He could enquire about supervised access at local contact centres if he's determined to keep this woman in his life - it's not up to you to do the running here.

From what I understand SS work hard with families to try and keep them together and removing children from a parent really is the "nuclear" option - so it's impossible to minimise the risk here. The fact you've also been alerted to the situation re-enforces the seriousness of the situation.

Stick to your guns and let go of any guilt he tries to foist on you. This is 100% on him.

GirlcalledJack · 07/04/2019 14:31

Can you set up a contact centre for all contact with DD’s father?
At least it would be a safe, controlled environment. DD would still get contact with her DF and DF would be able to still have contact.