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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex brought social services into our lives, AIBU to not want him seeing DD anymore

67 replies

Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 13:55

Ex and I split up 6 years ago. We have one DD together.

He's never been a 'great' father, passable at best. She was always physically looked after, spoiled with plastic crap etc, the usual disney dad stuff, but she adored seeing her dad and he was no danger to her.

He was always going from woman to woman, DD is use to his new girlfriends etc. However, about 6 months ago I got a phone call from SS about DD. Her dads new partner has had her own children removed by SS and they were concerned that DD was spending time with her, wanted more information about the family set up etc. I was absolutely FURIOUS at ex. He said it was all rubbish, she'd been set up etc Hmm,, she was no danger to DD. I said he couldn't see DD with this woman so he stopped seeing her for 6 months (DD not the woman).

3 weeks ago he calls and says he misses DD dearly, he has split up with this woman and can he please please please see DD again. We start off slowly a few hours here and there. DD over the moon seeing her dad etc.

However it turns out this is all bullshit and he is still living with this woman. He has promised he won't have DD around her as he knows he isn't allowed to. But I don't trust him an inch (even though DD would tell me)

I don't want him seeing DD whilst he is with this woman. I don't want to leave DD with someone I don't trust even if it is her father. He is a compulsive liar. And also, what kind of headspace is he in to even entertain the idea of a relationship with this woman? He is incapable of putting his child's needs first.

AIBU to tell him whilst he is with her he can't see DD?

FWIW, DD is use to him just dropping in and out so it won't be awfully devastating for her but I have always tried to maintain a relationship with her dad for her sake.

OP posts:
endofthelinefinally · 07/04/2019 14:38

He should set up the contact centre.
I agree that OP should contact SS asap. Otherwise they will get involved with her to find out why she is allowing someone who has had their own children removed to have contact with DD.

RubberTreePlant · 07/04/2019 14:39

I’ve told him to take me to court. He said no as it costs too much!

There you go, then. Standstill. Let it ride like that.

If he was a good parent he would have finished the relationship when SS raised concerns, and if he was a good co-parent, he wouldn't have lied to you about it.

Now you're the only responsible parent she has, so you're going to have to hold the line.

slipperywhensparticus · 07/04/2019 14:39

I'm in the same situation as you except he now sees his children away from her at his mom and dads house I wont risk my kids over his girlfriend I told him flat out if her situation changes and she gets her kids back it's fine but until then no flat out no and he knows I mean it because I discussed it with the social worker and they passed the message along too he claims they have split up but I know its bull shit he tells people it's because I'm jealous but she has lost 7 children through neglect over a long period of time too so most people are switched on to the fact its child protection not a jealous ex

picklemepopcorn · 07/04/2019 14:39

Does Dd keep in touch with any other members of his family? Could she have contact with grandparents, which her father can join in with?

I wouldn't ever trust him with her unsupervised and tell him so.

Nomorepies · 07/04/2019 14:43

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request.

DC3dilemma · 07/04/2019 14:47

No, YANBU. Stop contact and leave it in his hands to go to court or not. Your job is to keep your daughter safe in this.

The fact that this woman has had her own children removed speaks volumes of her priorities and I would not put my children in this situation.

The only concession you can make to this, I think, is keeping an open mind. Keep in touch with him. Perhaps her lifestyle will improve, she’ll have more access to her children and with open and transparent discussion with SW you might be able to rethink it one day. I wouldn’t for one minute allow access without SW discussion.

Wannabeyorkshirelass · 07/04/2019 14:48

You're not being unreasonable. Do not be guilted by him (or anyone on here) into letting her have contact with people that social services have actually warned you about! They don't remove kids lightly nor follow up on that person's relationships and make those kind of calls lightly. No contact.

Original poster
Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 14:50

I absolutely do NOT want SS In my DDs life. I told them when they called that he wouldn’t be seeing her. When they split up I text the social worker and said I had heard they had split up and the social worker text back and said yes she had confirmed it with other family members too.

They have since got back together again. Which I only found out through shear luck because I drove past them in his car! I will text the social worker tomorrow and update them and let them know he isn’t going to be seeing DD.

Unfortunately his mum also thinks I am overreacting and he is a “good dad”

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 14:51

She does have some contact with her children who were placed with a family member on the other side of the country. SW said she will not be having them returned to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 14:52

When I asked him why she was in his car he said he was giving her a lift.

It’s just one lie after another with him.

OP posts:
SnowyAlpsandPeaks · 07/04/2019 14:52

Not to be harsh OP but I agree with @Nomorepies

polarpig · 07/04/2019 14:53

YANBU. I suggest you contact SS via letter so you have proof you have done so and tell them what he has done and that you will not be letting your DD see him unless he has supervised contact at a contact centre. That way you have done it all by the book and if he decides to push it via the courts then you've done what you could reasonably be expected to. I expect he'll turn down contact at a centre.

TidyDancer · 07/04/2019 14:54

I agree with the majority here, YANBU.

I would offer to set up contact centre meetings and if he turns that down he really can go fuck himself. He definitely shouldn't be allowed unsupervised contact as he has shown himself to be untrustworthy and not able to put DD's needs above his own selfish feelings.

Sorry you're in this position.

Chocolateisfab · 07/04/2019 14:56

My exh allowed a convicted child sex offender into his house and into my ds's bedroom to play Xbox!! Exh convinced Ss me and the dc had made it up.
They believed him!!
Take extreme caution op. Contact centre imo. You are under no obligation to enter into his game playing. Not even for dd benefit. Onev she is old enough she can know how you protected her when her df refused to . In zero way is he a positive addition to her life.

runninguphills · 07/04/2019 14:58

I'd be incredibly wary about any risks of your dd being in contact with this woman. SS do not remove children unless it's a last resort and they are at threat of real harm.

Your ex is minimising this risk - but he may not have the full story either.

I would contact the SS department and explain your predicament. They will be helpful and advise you accordingly. They will also have the full facts of why her children were removed and will be in the best position to advise you (although they will be unable to give you any details).

I have heard many stories of women crying at the fact their baby/child was removed and the hate they have for SS. When I attend a conference and am made aware of injuries and witnessed abuse, it makes sense why they were taken to safety.

Oldraver · 07/04/2019 15:00

Speak to SS and see what they advise, maybe a contact centre could be used .

If he cant be arsed to go to court he isnt going to pay for a contaact centre but at least you would of offered a safe solution for your DD that SS will appeove of

Beargrin · 07/04/2019 15:09

No. There is a reason her kids are in care and SS clearly think she's a danger.

He's putting this woman before his child, if you did that DD would be taken away from you. Don't put yourself in a vulnerable situation with SS.

TheLazyDuchess · 07/04/2019 15:10

I think you'd be better reporting this to ss yourself, before whoever reported your daughter had contact with this woman before, does again. Explain your ex's lies, and how concerned you are he's done this. It would keep you right, and you can ask about contact centres to keep your dd safe. He's lied about living there all this time, so what else could he lie about? Ss don't just remove children from their mothers, for no reason, she could be dangerous.

PoppyA12 · 07/04/2019 15:13

Is young carers apart of social services

lyralalala · 07/04/2019 15:16

The fact he started with a lie shows he can't be trusted.

If he'd bothered to look into it he'd know it would cost a couple of hundred quid to go to court himself and seek access. There are two reasons he hasn't done that - 1 - he can't be bothered and 2 - he probably knows he wouldn't win the access he wants.

He's chosen to put this woman before his DD and he'll have to deal with the consequences of that.

The fact he's minimising her losing her children makes him a danger. SS don't remove kids for no reason.

Illberidingshotgun · 07/04/2019 15:23

I think you need to raise a safeguarding alert yourself - your child is potentially at risk from this woman, and you need to be seen to be doing everything you can to protect her. SS will work with you to protect your child, I know what it's like having a range of professionals involved in your life but they will be there to protect your DD, and support you as her parent.

Missingstreetlife · 07/04/2019 15:23

Sis don't seek out family members for no reason. There is a clear and present danger. Supervised contact, by you or a time contact centre. Not too often, don't build an expectation that it will be frequent.

Motherbrownskneesup · 07/04/2019 15:26

YANBU and i'm glad you are protecting your child but I agree with earlier poster - there was no need for the negativity towards SS in your title when they have done the right thing in warning you.

YAmILikeDis · 07/04/2019 15:30

YANBU.

An ex friend of mine had her children removed. I know exactly why; she tells people she was set up, they don’t understand MH issues etc.

All bollocks. Her behaviour was despicable and she’s a danger to any children that she’s around.

Don’t let this continue OP.

Bookworm4 · 07/04/2019 15:32

Yanbu
It takes a lot for SW to remove children from their mother, if he's not regular in your DDs life just let it go, if he really cared he would jump through hoops for your DD, I wouldn't be surprised if his gf gets pregnant.