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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ex brought social services into our lives, AIBU to not want him seeing DD anymore

67 replies

Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 13:55

Ex and I split up 6 years ago. We have one DD together.

He's never been a 'great' father, passable at best. She was always physically looked after, spoiled with plastic crap etc, the usual disney dad stuff, but she adored seeing her dad and he was no danger to her.

He was always going from woman to woman, DD is use to his new girlfriends etc. However, about 6 months ago I got a phone call from SS about DD. Her dads new partner has had her own children removed by SS and they were concerned that DD was spending time with her, wanted more information about the family set up etc. I was absolutely FURIOUS at ex. He said it was all rubbish, she'd been set up etc ,, she was no danger to DD. I said he couldn't see DD with this woman so he stopped seeing her for 6 months (DD not the woman).

3 weeks ago he calls and says he misses DD dearly, he has split up with this woman and can he please please please see DD again. We start off slowly a few hours here and there. DD over the moon seeing her dad etc.

However it turns out this is all bullshit and he is still living with this woman. He has promised he won't have DD around her as he knows he isn't allowed to. But I don't trust him an inch (even though DD would tell me)

I don't want him seeing DD whilst he is with this woman. I don't want to leave DD with someone I don't trust even if it is her father. He is a compulsive liar. And also, what kind of headspace is he in to even entertain the idea of a relationship with this woman? He is incapable of putting his child's needs first.

AIBU to tell him whilst he is with her he can't see DD?

FWIW, DD is use to him just dropping in and out so it won't be awfully devastating for her but I have always tried to maintain a relationship with her dad for her sake.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 15:40

I’m not seeing the negativity in my thread title. He’s brought SS into our lives, most people wouldn’t welcome that would they?

I’m not sure what I can say to him when he says “I will not have her around DD and if I do DD will tell you, so what’s your problem?” If I could trust he wouldn’t then I don’t know if I would want him to have her anyway. His judgement is clearly off, where his head is at I don’t know!

OP posts:

BadgerBadgerMushroom · 07/04/2019 15:44

@sawyershair sounds to me like he believes his new partner is a victim of social services rather than questioning her...which he should be doing. How does he think he is going to be able to stay in a long term relationship with a woman who can't be around his child. Is madness.

Icallbullshhhh · 07/04/2019 15:49

As a social worker I would never have disclosed that much information to you, perhaps to him as the new partner with a child, but not to you, what we deal with is highly confidential so I don't believe your version of events, although it could be because you have altered some parts not be outed.

However, assuming this is genuine and not a made up post.... if she has had her children removed, this is very serious, we aim to keep families together where possible so the "it's a set up" story he has given won't be true, however it does expose a risk to your child as he is so willing to believe anything he is told and doesn't seem to have any sense of risk.

I'm cynical as I see so much misinformation about social care on here where it appears posters have completely made stories up....

DeRigueurMortis · 07/04/2019 15:50

Think a bit further on this I do think you have a long term issue.

The fact that he's lied about this relationship means that further down the line if he claims they are no longer together you simply can't believe him.

I can't see how contact can ever be outside of a contact centre in the future as he's demonstrably untrustworthy about an issue that has very serious implications.

I'm also aghast that his initial response to this situation was not to see his DD for 6 months and thus I doubt he'd agree to a contact centre anyway - but it's definitely worth making that suggestion and then leaving him to do the running.

I know you don't want SS in your life but they are very much your allies here. They have the same goal as you in protecting your DD.

It's worth having on the record that he's lied and the fact that despite this you've offered supervised contact ie that you've always put your child's welfare first (which you have).

If he hasn't taken up this offer then he's not got a leg to stand on further down the line even if he can be bothered to take you to court.

Original poster

Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 16:25

@Icallbullshhhh, yes I have changed some things around. I’m happy to provide you with screenshots of the WhatsApp conversation with the SW (with names redacted obviously).

I really do wish it was made up.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sawyershair · 07/04/2019 16:31

@Icallbullshhhh I have PM’d you

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 07/04/2019 16:38

I work with lawyers who make decisions to remove children in conjunction with social workers. It's not done on a whim.

I would say absolutely no to him and unless he comes up with a suitable alternative, then he doesn't see DD. He has chosen to prioritise her over his DD.

It's your job to protect her, as he's chose not yet.

user1480880826 · 07/04/2019 16:40

He was happy to not see his daughter for 6 months? It took him 6 MONTHS to realise he missed her?!

He sounds like a dreadful father.

OurChristmasMiracle · 07/04/2019 17:07

I’m sorry but from my point of view I highly doubt it’s just neglect and unsuitable relationships. If it was neglect then they wouldn’t have concerns about her being around your DD as it’s her fathers job to look after her and ensure she is looked after not the girlfriends.

There is almost definitely more to this. There must be a factor that means she posses a Risk.

Whatad · 07/04/2019 17:13

I wonder how did SS find out that the woman was dating someone new?

How's this for a scenario?

Woman was in a violent relationship where she was a victim of DV and didn't leave. Children were removed.

She has finally gotten free of said dickhead, but it's too late to get children back.

Said dickhead finds out that she's now dating again and that a child comes to visit occasionally again.

Said dickhead reports her to SS.

Of course, it could be that she's a menace to society. But you liked him enough to have a child with him. Is his judgment that bad in women?

Whatad · 07/04/2019 17:14

And what were SS concerns with her?

If it was drugs, is she clean?

If it was DV, and your ex isn't violent, what exactly is their concern with her having contact with children?

lisamac28 · 07/04/2019 17:16

I would cut him out purely for coming and going into your DDs life, never mind anything else. My ex was doing the same to my DD - he got 1 warning - do it again and you're not seeing her...he did it again. Life is now much better without him. DD is not suffering any more.

Whatad · 07/04/2019 17:17

You need to ask social services what their concerns are about this woman. Out of curiosity if nothing else.

And just let your dd meet her Dad at a contact centre once a week for an hour or something. The woman won't be any risk to your dd then.

Hubblebubbletripletrouble · 07/04/2019 17:22

You don’t need to prove yourself to any other posters here OP

RhiWrites · 07/04/2019 17:48

I’m not seeing the negativity in my thread title. He’s brought SS into our lives, most people wouldn’t welcome that would they?

He’s brought an abuser into your lives. Social services brought themselves in to protect your daughter. They are on her side. Don’t think of them as the problem. The problem is your ex and his abusive partner.

GPatz · 07/04/2019 18:12

@Icallbullshhhh Nice post (!)

HotChocLit · 07/04/2019 20:08

Do you know why they were put into social care? Seems more than neglect.
E

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