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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

The dreaded annual bbq

117 replies

Applecrumble79 · 07/04/2019 11:53

Partner has a spring bbq every year for his family and friends . I’ve attended the last 3 but quite frankly dread them all. I really am fed up of going and contributing financially when I just don’t want to be there. I just don’t connect with the family. I’m polite but none of them really make an effort to try to get to know me. His family is female dominated so I know very much how females can be. I’m thinking of excuses not to go already is that bad ?!

OP posts:
RosaWaiting · 07/04/2019 13:47

I was puzzled by "I feel sorry for him" as well

also, weird to use the term "females" in this context.

blueskiesovertheforest · 07/04/2019 13:53

Applecrumble79 if your male partner whom you don't live with expects you to pay £125 so he can throw an all expenses paid barbacue for his friends and relations, who don't like you/ you don't like, it isn't females who are your problem.

Babygrey7 · 07/04/2019 13:53

Don't contribute (I mean, wtf?!)and don't go

No lengthy explanations needed, just say youdon't enjoy it (without slagging his family off)

Fluffycloudland77 · 07/04/2019 13:56

What does he do for £500? Build an outdoor pizza oven and hire a chef?.

Jamhandprints · 07/04/2019 13:58

If you invite someone to a barbecue, you can't resent them eating and drinking. What a weird attitude.
If it's a bring and share thing you need to let them know!
Your boyfriend is being hospitable. The opposite of you.
Don't pay for a party for people you resent and don't go to it. Say you'll be round later and by then they may be drunk and won't care if you turn up or not.

cabcab · 07/04/2019 14:00

Thanks for the SUPPORTIVE comments. I like the “sicky” excuse @PortiaFinis u have hit the nail on the head. Definate little cliques in the garden it’s so petty. I contributed because I wanted to help my partner out. I felt sorry for him feeding everyone for free

If you don't want to hear other view points then don't come and ask the question on AIBU?

sansou · 07/04/2019 14:01

It's one day! If you want your relationship to go anywhere, you need to get a grip, seriously. Just think about all the family get togethers you'll bound to have if it's really serious....like the horrors of week long extended family holidays.

GCAcademic · 07/04/2019 14:02

I felt sorry for him feeding everyone for free!

Why on earth would you feel sorry for someone doing something of their own choosing? Save your sympathy, and your money, for someone who deserves it.

Butterymuffin · 07/04/2019 14:02

Bet most of the £500 is on alcohol. Just cheerfully say 'what a shame, I'm double booked, me and X are going to a show/spa/get together that day' and say no more at all. If he asks for money, say you can't afford it this year.

sollyfromsurrey · 07/04/2019 14:18

PengAly why are you assuming things about the poster and assuming that the family is not as bad as the OP states. All we know is what the OP writes and the OP is asking for advice, not unsolicited accusations about their character. Sheesh, stick to the plan. The OP states the family are a nightmare....we accept that and offer advice. We don't start second-guessing a family we know nothing about just so we can condemning the OP whom we also don't know.

Supercuts · 07/04/2019 14:24

sollyfromsurrey
PengAly why are you assuming things about the poster and assuming that the family is not as bad as the OP states.

They are defensive because they see themselves in the post. They are actually defending themselves not strangers!

sollyfromsurrey · 07/04/2019 14:27

Supercuts You are probably right!

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 14:27

Ooooh that’s a bit deep for a lazy Sunday supercuts Grin. You’re probably right though.

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 14:27

X post

PositiveVibez · 07/04/2019 14:28

Where is this relationship going? If you have been the last 3 bbq's and there's another one due, you must have been with him for almost 4 years. You don't live together and he expects you to contribute to his bbq!

Just don't go.

Horehound · 07/04/2019 14:32

I also dont understand why you contribute.
It's his choice to have a bbq..

LadyRannaldini · 07/04/2019 14:37

Does he treat your family with the same contempt as you seem to treat his? Hopefully he will reciprocate when your family hold events, a game of golf will be far more important!

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 14:47

Hopefully he will reciprocate when your family hold events, a game of golf will be far more important!

Yeah maybe... So? Is that so terrible? If someone’s partner doesn’t want to go to Aunt Maisie’s annual dance round the May pole or whatever, is it so terrible that they might have the choice not to go?

Dh and I go to whatever we want to with each other’s friends and family. We don’t both go to everything and we have our own lives. I have no illusions and my family aren’t exactly the Von Trapps, so if dh wants to play golf or whatever, I’m fine with that. He’s the same with me and his family. He knows I don’t enjoy big get togethers with all his extended family, so I don’t tend to go, except the BIG things, like weddings. Dh doesn’t care. He likes seeing his family more than I do so meh.

Iloveacurry · 07/04/2019 14:47

I don’t understand why you contribute if you don’t even live together. It’s his decision to have the BBQ. Just leave him to it.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2019 14:49

“His family is female dominated so I know very much how females can be”

Sorry, you lost me there.........

viques · 07/04/2019 14:50

Why would anyone want a bbq in Spring? Always a bit of a gamble even in summer, but a chilly day in spring sounds like the worst sort of party I can imagine.

WoollyMummoth · 07/04/2019 14:54

You might have known you’d get roasted for the “you know how women can be” comment. I know what you’re getting at though, some families can be hard work. Make up an excuse and don’t go.

strathmore · 07/04/2019 14:57

We have an annual BBQ, about 50-60 people and it probably costs about £1500. Steaks, wine etc

strathmore · 07/04/2019 14:57

Invite your family as well, we have both families and friends.

MondeoFan · 07/04/2019 15:00

I wouldn't be contributing towards it if you don't live there. It'd be better if you brought a couple bottles wine with you and maybe help with some prep or something. I'm not sure why he'd expect you to contribute financially

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