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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The dreaded annual bbq

117 replies

Applecrumble79 · 07/04/2019 11:53

Partner has a spring bbq every year for his family and friends . I’ve attended the last 3 but quite frankly dread them all. I really am fed up of going and contributing financially when I just don’t want to be there. I just don’t connect with the family. I’m polite but none of them really make an effort to try to get to know me. His family is female dominated so I know very much how females can be. I’m thinking of excuses not to go already is that bad ?!

OP posts:

ElloBrian · 07/04/2019 12:24

Are you a man, OP?

PCohle · 07/04/2019 12:25

If you're hosting something as a couple it doesn't seem odd to me that you'd both chip in. Not would I expect guests at an event I was hosting to bring more than eg a token bottle of wine.

However you clearly feel resentful of the event and your total dislike of his family is shining through pretty clearly so just don't go!

Drum2018 · 07/04/2019 12:25

Well seeing as you don't live together it's makes it much easier to say you are not going. And do not contribute or offer to collect or make anything for it. His BBQ, his responsibility to pay for it. He can always ask his family to bring a dish if he needs help. You don't have to feel bad about it.

Twisique · 07/04/2019 12:26

Weekend away...

PortiaFinis · 07/04/2019 12:27

Oh OP, feel your pain!

My husband has a similar barbecue - and I know that I should just suck it up and go but I dread it. Everyone sits in little cliques and can be so critical of each other. People’s weight gain is a hot topic of conversation, there is a lot of bragging about successes and sly comments about failures. I never know where to sit or who to talk to as I feel out of it everywhere - and usually I’m a fairly sociable, chatty person. I know on paper it sounds like something you just do, but I’m not going to do it anymore. I shall be unwell that day. (My husband is fine with that).

I would just say to your partner that you probably won’t be able to make it this year and see how he takes it, presumably he enjoys the barbecue and his family’s company so I would try to avoid being too critical, but if necessary just say that you think it’s great they have time ‘just them’ or something, I don’t know, would that work?

HopefulAgain10 · 07/04/2019 12:28

Dont go if you dont want to. You can always make up something.

BUT if he is willing to go to such an expense for his family it means that he is very close to them, which means they are a big part of his life and will be a part of yours too. So rather address the issue with him because you can only avoid it for so long.

Purplecatshopaholic · 07/04/2019 12:32

Just. Dont. Go. And defo dont pay towards it!

Chathamhouserules · 07/04/2019 12:33

Your dp sounds a nice hospitable generous man who likes to put on a nice event for family and friends. Is this right and do you appreciate these good qualities in him? I think it's a lovely thing to do. But if you can't bear to spend an afternoon with his family and friends then don't go. But I think it would be nice if you made the effort.
And not all females are as you describe.

Boysey45 · 07/04/2019 12:34

If he does it all the time then its time for one of the others to host. Say your not feeling it this year and wont be going.
Don't marry him either because then you will be stuck with them for years on end.

Original poster

Applecrumble79 · 07/04/2019 12:34

Thanks for the SUPPORTIVE comments. I like the “sicky” excuse @PortiaFinis u have hit the nail on the head. Definate little cliques in the garden it’s so petty. I contributed because I wanted to help my partner out. I felt sorry for him feeding everyone for free!

OP posts:

Sexnotgender · 07/04/2019 12:36

Females are not gossiping and slagging people off. The women in HIS family might be.

Don’t go and don’t contribute. If he wants to be the big I am providing all the stuff then just let him.

cuppycakey · 07/04/2019 12:37

His family is female dominated so I know very much how females can be
This comment will have got a lot of backs up OP - you sound very sexist.

I don't understand why you are contributing to your boyfriends BBQ if you don't even live together? And if you don't want to go then don't.

Problem solved, no drama.

bakewellpath · 07/04/2019 12:38

Don’t go. Go and do something you like but your partner doesn’t.

bakewellpath · 07/04/2019 12:40

You can’t be sick every year OP! Just stop going. It’s his thing. Make it a weekend you go away and do your thing annually. And don’t pay for peoplemyou don’t like, spend your money on you. It’s his choice and if he hasn’t noticed that they are not including you, he can pay for it himself.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2019 12:43

Don't go. You don't have to. You phrased it in a way that would get some poster's backs up - and it did. I understand the sentiment though, it is very often the case and it's endemic in my own family too. If you stand up to it you're discussed behind your back and/or ostracised. Strength in numbers. Always has been so.

Your partner's outlay doesn't mean that he's close to them either, it could just as easily be that he's whipping out his wallet as an obligation. Don't be party to it, you don't have to. Have something else to do on the day so that you can legitimately go to that without bashing your partner over the head with the fact that his family are not very nice.

poglets · 07/04/2019 12:45

You don't live together, you don't share finances, it's his BBQ for his family - so you are under no obligation to contribute financially. In fact, he has a cheek to expect it when the event is dominated by his guest list. At most you go, contribute a bottle and take a dish. And he should be as grateful to you for that as he is any other guest.

When you start making financial contributions like a quarter of the cost then the dynamic changes - you are a co host.

Don't waste your money and energy OP. It doesn't make you happy, so don't do it.

GetOffTheTableMabel · 07/04/2019 12:45

I don’t think you should feel bad about saying something along the lines of “It’s kind of you to try and include me but I’ve been for the last 3 years and it’s not really my thing. They’re your family. Have a lovely time and I’ll see you next weekend”. It doesn’t need to be a big deal.

BiBiBirdie · 07/04/2019 12:46

Simple: fake an illness. I've been known to use that for family events I don't want to be at.

AlwaysCheddar · 07/04/2019 12:47

£500! Madness

RosaWaiting · 07/04/2019 12:48

I was sympathetic till THAT comment

my best friend has a family BBQ each year and there's a few people whose behaviour makes it grim, so I no longer go. I'm single so my best friend is really important to me but it made me unhappy to go and I just said "I feel uncomfortable".

if your partner cares that you feel uncomfortable, she/he will be fine with that.

but your comment about women made me puzzle over this whole thing tbh. Just because those particular women at that event are horrible, I can't see why you'd put all women in that box.

RosaWaiting · 07/04/2019 12:49

oh I missed £500

WTAF? Maybe this is another one of those circles where I can't really comment, in that case

like the "sending a taxi for a date" thread.

MadameAnchou · 07/04/2019 12:50

Jesus wept! He expects you to pay for it? FUCK THAT! Fuck excuses too. Just tell him, 'No. I'm begging off this year. It's not my cup of tea.'

GreenTulips · 07/04/2019 12:54

His choice to host
He could ask people bring their own alcohol
£500 is ridiculous

TixieLix · 07/04/2019 12:54

If it's his family and friends and you don't live together then don't contribute. I assume he chooses to host this BBQ? If he can't afford it then he needs to tell his F&F that he can't afford it, or ask people to bring some food or a bottle with them. That said, what on earth is he feeding them for £500? I'd have thought he could do it for cheaper than that, unless he has 100 people coming!

Supercuts · 07/04/2019 12:57

It’s his big showyoffy thing to family who don’t like his choices, including you. They turn up, eat and drink hundreds of pounds worth of his stuff and are rude to you.

Leave them to it. You are a doormat if you go and a bigger one if you pay.

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