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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

The dreaded annual bbq

117 replies

Applecrumble79 · 07/04/2019 11:53

Partner has a spring bbq every year for his family and friends . I’ve attended the last 3 but quite frankly dread them all. I really am fed up of going and contributing financially when I just don’t want to be there. I just don’t connect with the family. I’m polite but none of them really make an effort to try to get to know me. His family is female dominated so I know very much how females can be. I’m thinking of excuses not to go already is that bad ?!

OP posts:

DishingOutDone · 07/04/2019 12:59

I'm also finding it hard to understand why the OP gives him money for them to "feed their tummy's" when they don't live together and she feels sorry for him? Sounds ridiculous OP; why are you enabling it?

Eustasiavye · 07/04/2019 13:01

I think the op is getting unnecessarily slated here.
Sort from your initial comment about females I agree with you op.
Who rocks up to a bbq without offering to bring something?
His family sound awful.
Whether the op lives with her partner or not, she is still his partner and entitled to feel protective towards him especially when he is being treated like this.
Do any of his family host other paid for events?
Sometimes it takes an outsider to highlight a different way of doing things.
For example suggesting that he tell everyone to bring their own drinks and a pudding if you would like one.

arseabouttit · 07/04/2019 13:02

Why don't you suggest it's a joint bbq and you can then invite your own friends along?

Hwory · 07/04/2019 13:04

You realise you’ve gone on a website predominantly used by females and said ‘so I know very much how females can be.’

Strangeeeee

BrokenWing · 07/04/2019 13:05

You don't get on with his family and he likes big family BBQs where he spends a fortune feeding everyone and you don't want to upset him by not contributing/attending. Maybe other events with family through the year?

Where do you see your relationship going in the future and how will this work if you do eventually live together?

BlueCornishPixie · 07/04/2019 13:05

The thing is it sounds a lot of money but he's obviously happy to do it as he's been doing it for years. If he couldn't afford 500 and didn't want to spend it he wouldn't do it. It's his money and he can spend it how he likes.

For all we know his sister might do Christmas, mum another event etc. So they aren't scrounging. Plus events where someone pays an extorniate amount on something and expect me to pay my share piss me off. If you want a big party pay yourself, if I'm expected to pay my percentage I want a say in organising something cheaper that I can afford. (Obviously excluding bringing bottle/desert)

Just don't go OP. You obviously don't like his family. You sound like you don't like women very much so it's difficult to say how bad they are.

Mrsjayy · 07/04/2019 13:06

Guy at Dhs work does a yearly Bbq they arec insulted if you take anything and give it back to you when you leave although we didn't go last year because the previous year i t was really boozy and not enough food i was starving and a bit too pissed

MitziK · 07/04/2019 13:07

How many people attend these gatherings?

With £500, that's a hell of a lot of burgers, sausages and cans of lager. I've known weddings where the food cost less than that.

Thecabbageassasin · 07/04/2019 13:08

Could you take some of your own friends, or family for a bit of support, especially if your contributing to the cost.

I would dread having to socialise with people that all know each other really well, it’s not nice feeling like the outsider, so totally understand where you’re coming from.

Boysey45 · 07/04/2019 13:09

Are you a gay man OP or a woman?
You need to talk to your partner as well about the behaviour of these people so he can address it with them. Its not right for anyone to attend someones do and be sat there slagging people off.

Tootyfilou · 07/04/2019 13:11

Never mind the shenanigans, tell us the menu OP

PregnantSea · 07/04/2019 13:14

He spends £500 on the bbq?! Flipping heck, that's very generous of him!

If you don't live together and you feel that his family aren't bothered about seeing you then maybe just don't go. It's easy to make excuses. But if it was me I'd go along anyway, even if just for a couple of hours, because it sounds like it's a big deal to your DP if he's spending all that money. The way I see it is when you're married/LTR you have to put up with their family at important events, even if you don't like them. Others may feel differently though.

cuppycakey · 07/04/2019 13:16

I just did an AS as I wondered if this was a hairy hander that needed reporting.

OP - given your other threads, this is the least of your issues. Why are you still with him?

BeenThereDone · 07/04/2019 13:17

Ohhh I hear ya!!!
My dp has several sisters and they'll ask how I am but are not really interested in anything in my life.,kids etc... They are terrible gossips. Tbh I don't really want to be part of it because they spend that much time fighting between themselves, you never know who is talking to who from one event to the next...

Glad they don't take that much interest now but it used to bother me.....

Daisydoesnt · 07/04/2019 13:20

well if it's ten hours, and he's supplying alcohol as well as food, £500 isnt that much! If there are 30 guests, that's only just over £15 per head. And you'd easily drink a bottle of wine in that time, plus BBQ/ sides/ pudding/ soft drinks.

Crabbyandproudofit · 07/04/2019 13:21

It sounds an awful lot of money for a BBQ. Perhaps it has grown over the years and he started by saying "Don't bring anything" and can't change that now. Perhaps other family host similar events throughout the year.

You simply say that you haven't enjoyed it the past three years. You can't be sick every year so maybe make it a weekend when you visit family or go away with friends. Alternatively, would you like to add your guests? You may not want to if the atmosphere is so toxic but you might be able to change this dynamic.

Oblomov19 · 07/04/2019 13:23

Is this relationship going anywhere?

you don't like the women in his family which isn't a good start, you don't like parties, you don't like any of his friends or family, you don't like him being generous.

You don't sound well suited at all.

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 13:25

I think if you hadn’t made the “females” comment, you would have had a lot more sympathy op!

They do sound utterly dreadful, regardless of what gender they are. Yanbu.

After years of trying with some people in my dh’s family, (very long story), I recently had enough and have a “no big family events” policy, other than things I can’t avoid, like weddings, funerals, (god forbid, if we have any deaths) and christenings. Other than that, you’re right - nobody wants to be around gossipy, rude people who make them uncomfortable, even if they are related to their dp. Obviously they get special dispensation to a point, because they are related to your dp. But there does come a point when enough is enough.

For me, I now only see pils and not the rest, unless it’s totally unavoidable. Big birthday bashes? No thank you, I’m busy, but dh will be there to celebrate with you. Anniversaries? Ditto. I think they only invite me because they miss their scapegoat anyway, so no thanks!

Bit of a ramble there sorry, but yanbu, (except the “females” thing - one of my aforementioned ghastly in-laws is male and one of the bitchiest, most unkind people I think I’ve ever met).

Crunchymum · 07/04/2019 13:32

He spends £500 on a BBQ (expecting you to chip in?) and according to AS he comes to your house every night expecting to be fed?????

He sounds like a prince.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 07/04/2019 13:33

Oh come on. Not all females are bitchy, and not all are nice. It's possible to be both at the same time even. Nobody's saying that it's all females, never males but it does give 'texture'. PIL problems are nearly always the MIL, never the male FIL.

It's like a shorthand almost and in many cases, it's accurate, however difficult that is to hear. Many of us stereotype, even those of us who take umbrage at others when we see them doing it.

Thesuzle · 07/04/2019 13:35

Jesus ! £500 on a BBQ what in hell are you buying?? Steak for everyone
And champagne

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 13:40

Many of us stereotype, even those of us who take umbrage at others when we see them doing it.

Hmmmmmmm I don’t think I’ve ever agreed with the “women are bitchy” line. I knew a lot of women / girls growing up (all girls schools) and also had male friends and brothers. I found men to be extremely bitchy.

As teenagers;

“Ugh I wouldn’t touch her with yours mate”, “you’re not bringing THAT wanker are you?”, “ugh look at the state of her” and so on. Delightful.

As an adult, I’ve also heard a lot of office, bitchy gossip from men; who had an affair with whom etc, who goes to strip clubs, who has a drink problem. I’ve actually never heard a female colleague speaking like that, those three things all came from men at my old work.

Men can be super bitchy ime and I’d actually say I know more ‘bitchy’ men than women.

Going off on a bit of a hijack here op, sorry, but I just wanted to respond.

Mediumsizeddancer · 07/04/2019 13:40

*He spends £500 on a BBQ (expecting you to chip in?) and according to AS he comes to your house every night expecting to be fed?????

He sounds like a prince.*

And harasses her for sex at all hours of the night. Clearly an absolute charmer.

StarTheGirl · 07/04/2019 13:41

But I also didn’t take umbrage btw. Just so you know op! I know it’s a common stereotype and that you were probably just repeating what you’ve heard a million times “women are bitchy”.

The women in your dp’s family sound dreadful, but that probably has nothing to do with the fact that they’re women.

LagunaBubbles · 07/04/2019 13:43

contributed because I wanted to help my partner out. I felt sorry for him feeding everyone for free!

Eh? No-one's forcing him to have this big show off OTT BBQ! He has a choice and you feel sorry for him?

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