Shaking my head at DD's "father" messing her about again - this time using a "valid" excuse, they're having IVF...

[ForgotwhatIcameinherefor]

Fgs. Irony obviously lost on current wife.

The problem is the CSA figures if that’s what you’re using are set in stone and if you’re not using the CSA the courts are adamant they won’t get involved. Friend had school fees written into the court consent order, it’s not worth the paper it’s written on, nobody wants to enforce it. Literally you are lucky if you get the csa’s bate minium calculation

Sorry - I've just realised that my initial post could be interpreted two ways!
I meant that him being a diligent and involved parent was not what was going on here, not that the OP wasn't being accommodating and understanding. Apologies for any misunderstanding - I am fully behind the OP and can see exactly why she is frustrated by her ex's careless attitude towards his daughter in preference of a child who has yet to be conceived.

Thanks for everyone's replies - much appreciated

I may be wrong but it sounds to me like her father is not very reliable at the best of times, having the minimum amount of contact, and cancelling for poor reasons.
New partner thinks he us a great sad and that op is making things difficult for him or making him out to he what he is not.

Ivf is a valid reason to not see his daughter, but he has made no attempt to meet his daughter at another time. Op thinks that of they are successful he will be the perfect dad to the baby, and is probably concerned her daughter will see even less of her dad.
Whether they are paying for ivf or not makes no difference. I don't think op has mentioned not financially supporting his daughter.
Those saying that he does not need to be there for egg collection may understandably not know much about ivf, but seem to have forgotten basic biology.
A baby needs egg and sperm. Unless either the eggs are being frozen for fertilisation later, or the sperm has been frozen, both oarners need to be there. Clinics have different peiveedures on the father being in the theatre during egg collection, but will need a sperm sample on the day.
Due to the medication she has been given, after egg collection she will be unable to drive, so someone will need to drive her home.
I think is is a difficult sitauib for op, as she needs to put her daughter first, but will be made out to be the bad guy if she doesn't give them the consideration they need during the process.
Clinics ask patients to fill in a number of forms regarding background before treatment starts and can refer to social services before treatment if there are concerns. That doesn't mean social services are I vilbed in every cycle (they wouldn't be able to cope).

Just leaving NHS counter fraud details here.

If OP's Ex is paying for private IVF that's fair enough.

If on the other hand, he is stealing from the very hard up NHS he is potentially denying treatment to others.

It's not a victimless crime.

cfa.nhs.uk/home

For your DD's happiness I would start planning your lives as if her father didn't exist. It stops you and DD getting stressed and upset about whether or not she'll be seeing him at any given time.
Plan to do other things when he 'might' see her.

Sorry MrsCBY the "She" I meant was the current wife.

Doh! Yes, that makes more sense in the context - dozy me!

Maybe I didn’t compute because I was confused about why you’d care what she thinks. You know what kind of a man your ex is and the current wife will probably find out too, one day. (Unless he does a John Lennon and lavishes all the love he cba to give his child from his first marriage on the child from his second. Which would still make him a shit father in my book; possibly even more so.)

I’d second llangennith’s advice. He’s told you what kind of father he is to your DD: flaky, unreliable, irresponsible, dishonest, uncaring, unloving. Why am I not in the least surprised that he’s found a way to dodge full maintenance payments? Anyway. Believe him. Plan your lives accordingly. Stop giving him and his current wife any headspace and focus on the fantastic job you’re doing with your DD.

And seriously, do make sure she knows that none of this is about her and all of it is about him. I get that she’s got the measure of him by now, but it’s hard for children not to blame themselves and feel it’s because there’s something wrong with them when a parent doesn’t love them properly.

So sorry OP. As others have mentioned it's ridiculous that man who's a shit father is going to these lengths to create another child. And that another woman would want to make a child with him!
I'd do as other say. Send the text stating that in light of the money he's managed to get together for IVF he needs to contribute more to his existing child. And then report him.

The IVF stats of success are low. So they could be going through more rounds so more excuses. And if the idiot does manage to father another child then I wouldn't hold my breath at all for him.
Your daughter will see through him.

Thanks everyone what a kind and supportive bunch of replies today x
This has been going on many years and I've not told the half of it so I have actually got round to doing most of the suggestions; this does mean he's had to find harder ways to push to try and preserve some control over us but for the most it's possible to stay almost completely disengaged (do not respond when he cancels yet again at short notice for ridiculous reasons, stopped asking him for money owed etc). It's all a drop in the ocean of what he should have paid anyway and too much time and mental energy spent on CSA/CSM/courts all to no end.
He's nothing to me now and I'm not going to stop him becoming less and less relevant to DD. She knows she is my world and has no doubt that home is where the heart is. (Touch wood x)
But yes - today's smug and snidely email did grind a bit, so I came here to get it off my chest and you were all great!

@FerdinandAndHisMassiveBalls @PotteringAlong

Egg collection requires the sperm to fertilise the egg. It has to be fresh and right after egg collection. His wife would have trouble doing this bit on her own!

He can get a babysitter. Thats what parents do.