Shaking my head at DD's "father" messing her about again - this time using a "valid" excuse, they're having IVF...

[ForgotwhatIcameinherefor]

Fgs. Irony obviously lost on current wife.

The don’t “on” the nhs

Sorry MrsCBY the "She" I meant was the current wife.
Thank you for taking the time to write
and I have over the past year or 2 stopped explaining away his (lack of) actions as it did take me a long time to realise he would never let DD be his princess in spite of our separation (which by the way I had literally no say in). She now knows what she sees and I don't think she needs help deciphering sadly.
I like to think he is teaching her a life lesson early which I took 40 years to learn. So he's given her that if nothing else.

Really ? Amazing 😳 well perhaps more should.

He will be paying for this privately OP

Does he pay he satisfactorily re maintenance?

Our was an NHS hospital too we were private patients

Why?

Not like people getting pregnant without ivf have to go through any checks

Nhs does no background social services checks.

Romax - you control what you can control don’t you ?

Well I can tell you for a fact that our NSH did ask us to allow them toche j if they wanted obviously can’t speak for them all

Maybe they do check but you'd only realise they had if you'd denied having pre-existing children. Prob everyone signs agreement to checks at bottom of forms..?

The nhs would only ever in circumstances where they have concerns about the mental health of the patient.

@Inliverpool1

I work in this area.

No Romax but self employed ----

Entirely possible but as I said we signed to say they could if they wanted to. So the option is there for them which is different from “the nhs doesn’t check”. Clearly if they want to, they can.

Hi OP, let me tell you that I was once that 10 year old whose father was unreliable to say the least.

I am now 53 ...he’s in his 70s and I went completely non contact with him as an adult apart from a few “let’s try and build a relationship” times.

Your DD will remember that he is unreliable and she will make her own decisions about how much loyalty he is owed as an adult.

In the meantime, don’t badmouth him but do say that sometimes adults can be unreliable. She will always know her Mum made it possible for Dad to have contact and tried her best. She will work out herself that Dad isn’t any kind of reliable father.

Thanks Delores x

@CharityConundrum his new wife is undergoing IVF, he is still a father and has responsibility's to his first child.

@Inliverpool1

Absolutely. They check when the patients are presenting red flags. Otherwise, they don’t.

And I know you describe yourself as “boring middle class” but whether you are interesting or uninteresting and your financial status is irrelevant

So for me lying about having another child would be a red flag. Hence my original point that if he gets caught lying about the first child it’s going to
Open a can of worms that he could well do without hence I don’t think he would risk it.
Glad we got there in the end

Yes but they would have to have suspicions that he was lying in order for checks to commence

the Fact he is not an involved parents will not open up a can of worms. Irrelevant.

The checks will be looking for previous convictions, social services involvement.

The lie re previous child will mean that he would not receive funding if uncovered he lied

And unfortunately he's got away with so much by sticking to his lies up until this point that he sees them as a means to an end.
"Save thousands of £££ by ticking no instead of yes..?"
Hmmm.

When we had IVF my husband had to be there in egg collection day for 2 reasons: most important, he had to give his sample while I was in theatre so that the collected eggs could be fertilised straight away. Secondly someone has to be there to help me get home as I had had heavy sedation, not quite general anaesthetic but left me quite woozy for the rest of the day.

However that is literally the only part of the process that has a moveable date and which needs to involve the father.

Is it worth sending him a message along the lines...

The financial arrangement between us has been tense and inadequate from my perspective.

I am aware that you be be self-financing IVF treatment (presjmingyou have been honest about already having a biological child). Given this, I think we need to revisit child maintenance payments.

If he has lied, it will seriously scare him and he may be more amenable to getting something more adequate in place

I would not begrudge anyone supporting their partner at parts of treatment where their direct input isn't required. This is a pre-existing child's rearranged contact visiting being rearranged again at short notice so I'm !!!