Shaking my head at DD's "father" messing her about again - this time using a "valid" excuse, they're having IVF...

[ForgotwhatIcameinherefor]

Fgs. Irony obviously lost on current wife.

I'm sure he will revisit arrangements if pregnancy achieved but there's literally nothing I can do. No judge will order a father to have more contact with his child than he wants. So we have an order for as little as he could get away with, which he basically sets as his starting point from which he can then regularly cancel/cut short. I get cancellations late the night before because they have colds / it might snow / "domestic situations" I can't be told more about etc etc etc.
Phew I guess I'm just lucky I've never felt unwell in a decade of caring for her completely on my own!

No IVF clinic allows the partner into the operating room. Partners, if they come, stay in the ward. People with kids usually have them with the partner in the ward or the woman arranges a taxi on her way back home . (Been through egg collection lots of times).

I'm straddling a few issues here. to all of you who know a lot more about IVF than you ever thought you would xxx
To clarify, if we were talking about my DD's decent father and half-decent step-mother going through it they would have my complete understanding and flexibility as regards temporary contact changes. We're not.

That sounds really shit. Maybe he’ll turn out to be the perfect father to this dc. 🙄 😡

If this were a one off I imagine you’d understand. I didn’t realise partners weren’t allowed in the operating room. I had ivf to have dd abroad. Dh was in the room for egg collection and implantation.

Teddybear45 I think it varies according to the clinic. I had IVF in the UK and my partner was there for egg collection and embryo transfer.

That's by the by though. It's really sad that a crap father is hoping to bring another child into the world. Perhaps he has learnt lessons and will now be a "perfect" father. I suspect not.

If your DD gets really upset by the cancelling and cutting short of contact, and it's having a significant impact on her, you could refuse him contact as it is detrimental to her, and he would have to go back to court to request contact again. I appreciate that this may not be something you want to go through though.

OP, YANBU.

Having IVF when you're already a shit, absent, flaky, irresponsible parent to your existing child is absolutely not essential medical treatment for the father (and anyway, as others have said, it's his wife who's having the IVF).

No it's not the wife's fault, but it does make you wonder why on earth she things he's going to be a better father to her putative child than to the one he already has. There are no winners in this, and the poor child (or children, if IVF succeeds) will be the ones who suffer

Op isnt saying it's the wife's fault.

Just that he wife is a bit of an idiot making an unusal choice for father of her child.

His daughter should be the priority IVF or not! Wanker

Many couples already have a child when going through IVF for a second and they don’t neglect the child that already exists I’m sure.

Fine if he can’t do a certain day due to IVF but then a decent father would bend over backwards to see the child a different time that week.

What women thinks oh yes I’ll have IVF with some bloke that can’t even be a decent part time dad....

Although having a child with a man who already ignores one child knowing it will result in even more shit parenting of that child isnt great morally.

Tbh you’ll be told he has the right to move in with his life have more children etc etc you’ll be told to suck it up. It’s bullshit. If women generally looked out for each other and refused to have another child with someone who couldn’t/wouldn’t look after the first one, the world would be a better place. But they don’t.

No judge will order a father to have more contact with his child than he wants. So we have an order for as little as he could get away with

I wouldn’t want my children spending time with a father who doesn’t want to. I’d make damn sure I got £ but as for contact - if he doesn’t push, no way would I

YANBU OP.

He has a child he isn't a decent father to, his poor wife will be in your shoes in a few years time, as she probably won't put up with his bad parenting.

then he will be the perfect dad she believes I prevented him from being will he?

This is what I think you should address. Don’t let her go through life believing that her mother is the reason her father doesn’t see her as often as she would like. You’re her only “real” parent, it’s not going to do her any favours to believe that you’re deliberately sabotaging her life.

Yes, it will break her heart to know her dad cba to be a proper parent to her, and obviously you have to deal with it very sensitively and age-appropriately, but it will break her heart more in the long run to develop a pattern of getting attached to people who don’t care about her, and to grow up thinking that the one parent she can count on is actively trying to spoil her happiness. You are there for her and she needs to know she can trust you.

I’ve been through IVF too and I know exactly what you are saying about the timings in this situation; sounds like it’s a lovely cast iron excuse for him to do what he always does anyway, but with the perfect get out of jail free card this time. He sounds awful.

Can you try to find some way of telling her something closer to the truth? And explicitly and emphatically that it’s nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. Try to manage her expectations of him. Your DD may actually thrive better without him keeping her hanging on a string all the time. It really cannot be good for her self worth.

Speaking from experience of growing up with a father who cba to be properly engaged in my life, though different circumstances. You internalise it as a child and think it’s your fault. Make sure she knows 100% it isn’t.

Sorry he’s such a shit to you both and especially to her.

Wonder if the clinic knows he has a dc already?

Ooh Chocolate is fab

Do they not check? Does anyone know?

(It may shock this thread to hear that he has a lot of form for lying.)

Clinics do social services checks on people having IVF it’s rather detailed

I had ivf twice and we maintained all contact arrangement with my step daughter - no rearranging contact due to egg collection etc.
Obviously she wasn’t in the room when my DH ejaculated into a cup nor when they removed the eggs or put the embryo back, but she was home with us the whole time.

OP its shit. Mother’s would never get away with abandoning their kids to the extent men do. Women who do lose their kids to SS or walk out on them and rightly shunned by decent thinking people.

Men do it on a mass scale and we’re supposed to bend over backwards to allow even the shittest, random contact with their kids

iiverpool - no they don’t!

Not saying he couldn’t lie but I would be surprised as if he’s caught that’ll be the end of it every clinic will assume he’s a child abuser and that’s why he hasn’t mentioned it

They did background checks on both of us when we had private IcsI

Ss checks only if Ss involved. And actually I know a case where that failed. My upstairs neighbour as a dc had 2 ds's. Taken into care due to neglect.
20 years later she is featured in a woman's mag with new dh discussing ivf as she wants her first dc with new dh!! Was gob smacked. She escaped the system.
Would be ringing the clinic myself op.

Chocolateisfab - not true,
We were a very boring middle class couple with no social services involvement thank you very much and we had to sign to say we were happy for the clinic to check. Obviously I’ve no idea if they did but the option was there for them to do so. Presumably so they don’t go around making babies for SS to have to deal with.

@Inliverpool1

They don’t know nhs
And they don’t in most private clinics.
In fact, yours is first I have ever come across that did