ExDP causing problems over DD

[RubaDubMum89]

Mumsnet ladies (and gents) I need your perspective please as I feel I cannot see the wood for the trees anymore and have no idea if I'm BU or not.

A brief background.

ExDP and I split a couple of months ago, the details I'll spare you as I don't want you to prejudge the situation.

Since we split, aside from the first two weeks where I wanted DD (2.5) to settle into her new home with me, ExDP has seen DD every weekend, Friday afternoon to Monday morning before he goes to work. With the exception of Mothering Sunday, where she was returned home in the morning to spend the day with me.

ExDP has asked that his mother be allowed to take DD on a caravan holiday in the summer, Monday to Friday, with her cousin and great grandparents. This is fine, not a problem at all. Realistically I am not going to be able to take us on holiday this year so it will be lovely for her.

Similarly, ExDP has asked that he be allowed to take her on a caravan holiday, Monday to Friday. Again, fantastic, no issue.

So, to my AIBU.

I'm going away on Monday to see my family, who we only ever see a couple of times a year, due to the distance, train fairs, my brothers and sisters being at school etc. (I'm alot older than them).

I asked ExDP about this weeks ago and told him as soon as I knew the dates, I'd let him know. All is fine. I found out the dates, booked our train and let ExDP know all on the day I found out.

So this past week rolls around and I reminded him we'll be gone this week coming... And all hell breaks loose. He had a big rant at me about how angry he was, I'd told him the wrong date, we weren't supposed to be going until Easter. I'm denying him access to his daughter. He's going to deduct his maintenance payment because he's not seeing her. If I do it again he'll stop paying. He didn't see her for a full weekend because of mother's day. He's going to a child free wedding on Easter Sunday so won't see her for the full weekend again.

My reply to him was along the lines of, it's once in a blue moon, she loves seeing her family and there is no possible way I told him any date other than the one we are going on and returning on.

Also, the weekend before mother's day, he left DD at his dad's from Friday night to Saturday afternoon whilst he 'went out with the lads' and, ironically, he did the same this weekend. Following this massive blow out with me. Around three hours after he collected her Friday, he dropped her at his mums to go 'out with the lads' again.

Usually, I wouldn't have a problem with this, it's nice for DD to spend 1 to 1 time with her grandparents. However, I think it's a bit bloody rich after I've been wrung out for 'denying him access' that he willingly cuts his time short with DD to go drinking.

AIBU? Does he have a point? Should I have booked our return ticket on such a day that DD could have still gone on her access visit with her dad?

I just don't know anymore.

Sorry. I have no idea what happened to the paragraphs. They were there on my phone!

Eow each and tell the immature fuckwit to put his dummy back in.
You have been way more than accommodating to him.

Not unreasonable, perhaps agree that you will just stick to the usual schedule, and tell him he can't take her during the week. See if he is happy to compromise.

Being charitable about it, could it be that your ex is genuinely worried that you're going to start messing access around?
You don't sound as if you would, by the way.

You aren't being unreasonable in the slightest. Point out you'll be missing out on time with your daughter when he's taking her on holiday, so swings and roundabouts.

Personally I'd feel like he's a CF and can royally fuck off and I'd be tempted to stipulate "no drinking" when he's got her. Either look after his own daughter or bring her back. Dickhead.

Remind him that maintenance isn’t “pay per play” If he doesn’t pay you will take him to court.

Remind him you are both supposed to be working for what’s best for your daughter and you are allowed to go on holidays.

I’m assuming he was controlling during your relationship. Don’t let him keep controlling you.

Contact and maintenance are not linked. He's not paying to see his daughter. He's paying towards the costs of her upbringing. That's his responsibility as her father.
EOW is more usual for access arrangements.
Gingerbread has some useful advice.
Contact arrangements

YANBU it is fair to change things to suit your child and so that your DD sees all her family

Why does he get every weekend? Once she's at school all you'll get is the weekly grind, and he gets all the fun weekend time, hardly seems fair. It needs to be every other weekend!

I'd love to tell him to take a running jump RE the two Monday to Friday holidays, but, the only one that will suffer from it is DD.

This is what I don't understand, I'm happy to accommodate him and his family seeing DD. It's great for her.

He must know that I wouldn't stop him seeing DD or mess about with the access. I've always tried to put DD first. I stayed with him way longer than was healthy to try do right by DD.

Ugh. Sometimes I could really throttle him. The only thing I've said no to him about is him taking her abroad this year. I think it's too soon and I'm not comfortable with the idea of her being in a foreign country without me. Just in case, God forbid, she had an accident or he did. She's still so young!

He has every weekend because I felt and feel guilty about splitting the family up. DD adores her dad and is always pining after him through the week. I have mentioned to him that I'd like to change it to EoW when she starts school, but, realistically I think that's the time when we'll have to have a legal access arrangement drawn up. I don't think he'll agree to it.

I'm going to contact the CSA (or whatever it is now) on Monday morning before his threats of stopping maintenance become a reality. He pays it reluctantly as it is, as he thinks that the money is for me and I shouldn't be paying bills etc with it as I'd do that regardless of if DD was here or not. In his eyes, it's only for DDs clothes, shoes and activities and she 'doesn't need that amount a month for that', so, I'm benefiting from it...

I wouldn’t be letting him take her off on holiday at 2.5 and the only one to suffer will be Dd if he doesn’t look after her. (He doesn’t atm so how is he going to cope for a whole week)

I would be scared to death that his mother or him would take their eyes off your dd for a moment and she could be off anywhere especially as he appears to like a drink and can’t seem to stop when he is supposed to be looking after Dd.

EOW surely. You get all the grind and he gets the fun times.
Is this because he is planning on taking Dd when she is older and he has driven a wedge between you and her because you wont be able to do fun stuff with her at weekends because she never sees you.

Re the CM that money is also to put a roof over dds head.

Bit worried that your dd is pining for her dad during the week.

Is this because you can’t take her anywhere because you work Monday to Friday and she only does fun stuff with her dad.

I would stop the every weekend immediately.

I’d change to EOW and one night in the week now. Fair enough to do every weekend if you felt that was best At the time, but he’s just shown he doesn’t think you merit any downtime with your DD at all, plus your family are clearly secondary to his given you can’t have one extra day but his are to have holidays.

I’d get the long term schedule into place sooner rather than later given that reaction.

I would stop the every weekend. You're setting a precedent. It wont be as easy as just stopping it at school time if you let it carry on up until then. Maybe offer a mid-week overnight EOW when he is not seeing her at the weekend.

Contact the CMS on Monday.

Keep a diary of his behaviour.

Tell him you will be going on holiday as planned and in future email him re any changes to arrangements or message him so it is documented.

I agree, I'd change to EOW now before it becomes normalized for your DD to spend every weekend with him. You must think of your own relationship with your DD as well as hers with him. One night during the week with him as well so he's doing some of the school/nursery stuff. Again this benefits your DD as her dad isn't just a party parent but is doing the more mundane day to day stuff as well.

If he is dropping her at his parents every weekend he may be happier with alternate weekends and a night during the week.
Explain it as then he has alternate weekends to meet up with his friends and you have the same weekend to do something nice with DD.
As she grows and gets into sport etc. the burden will be shared and not on his shoulders alone.

I'll try to sum up an answer to all the questions above:

At the moment I don't work, we're on UC. I stopped working (as agreed by me and ExDP at the time) when I fell pregnant and because I had a difficult pregnancy. I was to stay at home and raise DD (again joint decision) when she was born. So unfortunately I am one of the women you often read about that were unmarried and financially dependent. I was idiotic.

We're currently in a council house we were awarded but, as it stands, although the living room and DDs bedroom are now furnished (he let me take her cot bed and wardrobe / drawers) I've still the rest of the house to furnish. White goods included. So, I'm looking to go back to work ASAP. DD is in nursery on the 15 hours funding Monday to Friday morning sessions. I cannot change this to two full days, as apparently it's the way it must be if you get the 15 hours.

I honestly don't know where to start changing the access arrangements now. If I'm totally honest, I'm scared of what might come of it. His mother works in a solicitors office, and as such, he gets all legal things for free. (He bought his parents house, where we lived, right after I left and has since had it gutted and remodelled. His parents paid for that). His mum also told me when I left that if I did anything to upset the family or take advantage, she would make life very difficult for me.

He has threatened before to go to court for full custody as I've been on anti depressants since a few months after DD was born, prior to starting then I was very ill. In fairness to him, he did absolutely everything for the first couple of months as I just couldn't and indeed wouldn't. It took me a long time to stop feeling like I'd ruined my life and to bond with DD. Obviously that's all sorted now and has been since she was about 3 months old.

I'm up shit creek really. I can't afford a solicitor and if it comes to a battle of who has the more suitable home etc. He owns his nice, furnished home. I'm in a council house with no oven and raw plaster walls. He can give DD all these opportunity's. I can take her to all the free days out and the scratty Park on our council estate. There's loads of family on his side (loads) that all live within walking distance of him. My family are 2.5 hours away on a train, barring my old grandma who is ten mins away.

He's not mentally ill and has never rejected DD. I am and have.

If I started taking things further, I'd stand no chance I don't think

Okay, so he's bullying you. His mum doesn't work for the only solicitor in the world.
You need independent legal advice.
Gingerbread which I linked to re contact arrangements can also offer legal advice.
Get maintenance sorted with the CMS, and use the advice Gingerbread gives to put a more reasonable form of contact in place.

He's not mentally ill and has never rejected DD. I am and have.

The past is behind you and you are now coping well with your DD. Don't be guilty about having been ill. You're an equal parent at least, and vitally important to your DD.

Thanks ever so much. I'll have a read through the website and contact them about the situation and see what they say. I really appreciate the help!

For the oven use the search tool at
[[https://grants-search.turn2us.org.uk/ Turn2us]] for a grant.
For the bare plaster walls find the Home Improvement Agency in your area, and see if they can help.
Try Gumtree Free Stuff and Freecycle. I'm sure there are charities that help to furnish new homes for people on benefits (with donated goods) but can't find them just now on Google. Gingerbread might know.

I think he sounds awful btw. He let me take her cot bed and wardrobe / drawers . WTAF?? So he doesn't care if she lives in a house with no oven? And no other furniture? Make sure the court know about that.

I've managed to get lots of great quality stuff from second hand shops. The only major things I'm missing now are a bed for me (I'm on a blow up single at the moment so it's not all bad and not urgent) a cooker and a washer. I managed to get a dining table, sofa and book case in the first month, so at least we had somewhere to eat and sit!

I only really left with half of dds toys and clothes, my clothes, a couple of extensions, the cats, my TV (which I sold along with my laptop) and photo albums etc.

It was a battle about dds furniture because his family bought it when she was born as a gift so he wanted to keep it.

I left the pram they bought and got a second hand one for a song.

Over the years we replaced everything that was mine alone (he moved in with me from his family home many years ago) because all my stuff was 4th hand to start with and he wanted new. Silly me.

I agree with all posts above that you need to safeguard your long term relationship with yr child by ensuring you have quality time with her that isn’t just the caring grind. And for a young child time together is worth more than expensive activities. You also need to protect yourself from abusive and manipulative behavior. On the basis of his recent behavior I would request that he only contact you in future by email, (which is time/date stamped and can be used as evidence in a family court) and that only email conversations directly relating to child contact matters are discussed. He can talk to CSA about money. The courts hate any parent linking money and contact so if he has put his threats about money in a text or email, keep them. If his mother put her threats in email or text I would report her to her employer and the police and provide copies as evidence.
He may be getting bad over emotional advice from his mother who thinks she knows the law, but it really doesn’t sound like he’s actually getting professional legal advice.
The courts believe every child should have the right to know both their parents as long as there are no safeguarding issues. Read The Child Welfare Checklist for what the courts look for. But that doesn’t mean one parent can take all the best bits or threaten the other. I would sort out your job ASAP so you know yr hours and what contact would work best for you, then politely notify him that in future contact will be X. I would consider making handovers in a neutral place too like a supermarket foyer if you feel Ex’s behavior is stressing you at yr home.
Put in place routines and structures to give you support and safeguard yr mental health. Yes if it was to go to court the court may ask to see copies of yr medical records/ mental health records if yr Ex raised yr mental health as a safeguarding concern, but if yr child’s nursery, doctor and health visiter has raised no concerns, yr child is making developmental milestones, being immunized on time, and is clean, dressed appropriately and healthy then it’s likely that they would dismiss his concerns. After all if yr ex was genuinely concerned for his child’s safety he would not have left the child with you all this time. Raising allegations about someone once a relationship has ended or a dispute has arisen is viewed with a jaundiced eye by the court although they would need to be seen to do relevant checks. I would be more concerned about his care for his child if he is on weekend long alcohol benders ...is he driving the next morning?
For info: an ‘average’ child contact order if you or yr ex were to make a C100 Court application to formalise contact rotas is often ‘child lives with Parent A and Parent B has EoW/end and half the school holidays (alternating Xmas) once at school age although with a young child holidays may be limited to no more than 1 week blocks with either parent to keep contact with both parents regular. Pure 50/50 contact is possible if both parents agree to it but it requires very good friendly communication and organizational skills by you both and it doesn’t sound like yr communication is positive enough for it to work at present. The courts don’t want children witnessing acrimony. With a young child things can be more flexible and whatever works for you both but as nursery’s etc are generally Mon-Fri and many jobs are too, you may want to just move to this routine now. There is absolutely no reason why his contact needs to reduce. He can always go part time, or take jobs that work around his childcare responsibilities just like you, so he can share the weekday childcare load rather than just cherry picking times when his mum can care for his child. If he wants to be an ‘equal parent’ he will need to take the same hit to his career, his earnings, his free time, and his potential future relationships, just like you. If he doesn’t want to do that then he will need to pay child support for the extra days you look after yr joint child on his behalf. 24 hr care would be very expensive if he paid market rates.
Also as long as a child is safe and loved and the home is clean and safe the courts do not pénalise parents for poverty. Your loving care and yr relationship with yr child is just as valid as his. Look on Free-cycle’ for any white goods options or ask your health visitor for a referral or info on how to access support or household items you need. I think many councils do have stuff.
I would also say that if his mother is behaving this badly to you already that you may want to limit yr child’s 1:1 time with her to alternate weekends anyway as I would be concerned she is denigrating yr parenting and character in front of yr child and that is parental alienation and a safeguarding concern.

Also you do not need a solicitor to make a court application for a ‘child arrangements order’. The form is fairly straight forward (you can download online) and I think you will get discount on the court fee (£215 at present) if on UC. I don’t think you should wait too long to get a proper order as I think you are at risk of domestic abuse based on this recent behavior. The family court isn’t run like Judge Judy. They will ask you to explain why you are there and why you haven’t been able to agree contact routines and then they just want to sort out a viable contact routine that protects all parties and priorities the child. They will try and not be intimidating. If you absolutely need some help look at the paid McKenzie Friend option (usually a much lower fee) or consider taking a friend along for support. Sorry this is so long.

Some family courts have volunteers who if you go to before the hearing to talk to them and on the actual day of the hearing first thing maybe able to sit in with you. The volunteers are lay people but come from a variety of backgrounds some which have involved in children's or legal matters.

In addition now you must to go to mediation first before you go to court unless there is a good reason not to. This good reason involves actually having legal proof of abusive/bad behaviour from the other party not just your say so.

CAFCASS have an online Parenting Plan template. I suggest you download that and complete it using the good advice from here. If there is anything missing ask around for the norm and what a judge would allow. Lots of posters on MN think you can just argue for your point of view and rights as a parent but it doesn't work like that as it is what is in the child's best interests and some things are legally recognised as the norm regarding those. If you go to mediation use the headings on the Parenting Plan as your agenda. Send this agenda to your ex and the mediator at least a week before the first session, and ask your ex if he has anything to add to get back to you within 2 days. Then get advice on what he's added. Any mediation you do should be shuttle mediation so you are different rooms. The mediator or you ex may keep asking if you want to be in the same room stating things like it is faster, it's easier, - refuse As if there is any animosity or bullying between you shuttle meditation keeps things child focused. Once in mediation tell the mediator if things aren't progressing you want to go to court and take the C100 form to each mediation session with you. If necessary keep saying this to the mediator if we aren't progressing I want to go to court. You know how your ex negotiates so you know how to argue your point(s) for each item on the agenda as you have it written down what you actually want to agree. You will need to be flexible on most things but have red lines on about 2 or 3 if aren't agreed by your ex you will go to court. Red lines are normally contact arrangements e.g. for eow. If your ex isn't being difficult you should have an agreement in 3 sessions over a maximum of 6 weeks. If your ex takes the whole of the first session to go through one or two items on your agenda, can't schedule another session in until 2 months later, changes their mind on everything agreed after the session or any other delaying behaviour, cut your losses and get the C100 signed. The mediator just wants you to agree things. The better ones may hint or tell you if what you are agreeing isn't the norm.

What you say in mediation can't be used against you in court, and the mediator can not be involved in the court process. You can use your own notes for the Parenting Plan you were negotiating as part of your argument for your Child Arrangements Order.

If you then get a Parenting Plan from mediation but your ex refuses to sign it get the mediator to sign the C100 then if you go to court the judge can use that as the basis of a Child Arrangements Order, or the judge can refuse to order one and tell you both to stick to the Parenting Plan.