ExDP causing problems over DD

[RubaDubMum89]

Mumsnet ladies (and gents) I need your perspective please as I feel I cannot see the wood for the trees anymore and have no idea if I'm BU or not.

A brief background.

ExDP and I split a couple of months ago, the details I'll spare you as I don't want you to prejudge the situation.

Since we split, aside from the first two weeks where I wanted DD (2.5) to settle into her new home with me, ExDP has seen DD every weekend, Friday afternoon to Monday morning before he goes to work. With the exception of Mothering Sunday, where she was returned home in the morning to spend the day with me.

ExDP has asked that his mother be allowed to take DD on a caravan holiday in the summer, Monday to Friday, with her cousin and great grandparents. This is fine, not a problem at all. Realistically I am not going to be able to take us on holiday this year so it will be lovely for her.

Similarly, ExDP has asked that he be allowed to take her on a caravan holiday, Monday to Friday. Again, fantastic, no issue.

So, to my AIBU.

I'm going away on Monday to see my family, who we only ever see a couple of times a year, due to the distance, train fairs, my brothers and sisters being at school etc. (I'm alot older than them).

I asked ExDP about this weeks ago and told him as soon as I knew the dates, I'd let him know. All is fine. I found out the dates, booked our train and let ExDP know all on the day I found out.

So this past week rolls around and I reminded him we'll be gone this week coming... And all hell breaks loose. He had a big rant at me about how angry he was, I'd told him the wrong date, we weren't supposed to be going until Easter. I'm denying him access to his daughter. He's going to deduct his maintenance payment because he's not seeing her. If I do it again he'll stop paying. He didn't see her for a full weekend because of mother's day. He's going to a child free wedding on Easter Sunday so won't see her for the full weekend again.

My reply to him was along the lines of, it's once in a blue moon, she loves seeing her family and there is no possible way I told him any date other than the one we are going on and returning on.

Also, the weekend before mother's day, he left DD at his dad's from Friday night to Saturday afternoon whilst he 'went out with the lads' and, ironically, he did the same this weekend. Following this massive blow out with me. Around three hours after he collected her Friday, he dropped her at his mums to go 'out with the lads' again.

Usually, I wouldn't have a problem with this, it's nice for DD to spend 1 to 1 time with her grandparents. However, I think it's a bit bloody rich after I've been wrung out for 'denying him access' that he willingly cuts his time short with DD to go drinking.

AIBU? Does he have a point? Should I have booked our return ticket on such a day that DD could have still gone on her access visit with her dad?

I just don't know anymore.

YANBU you need to go via cms for maintenance. I'd also write down a specific access agreement which explicitly allows for visits and holidays.

Courts take a very dim view of parents who threaten to stop paying maintenance unless they get their own way. Maintenance and contact and completely separate issues and using one as a threat for the other will get him a bollocking in court (if the judge is outspoken). I'd warn him of that if he threatens to take you to court for residency.

Can’t add anything on the legal front.

But I am amazed he wants to go for full custody given he appears incapable of looking after your dd on the 2 days each week he has her.

Agree to only communications via email. Also I would be adding in something about his mother’s threats and would want her access to be ideally denied or at the very least limited or strictly supervised.

He’s clearly trying to control the situation, as do many ex’s. Theyget worked up because they no longer have control as you are no longer together. He is going to continue to create issues for the long term, so you need to get everything drawn up legally then he can’t manipulate you.

I don't think it's uncommon for some men to make a big deal about contact when they aren't that interested in reality, as they think it's their "right". They do have rights, obviously, but they go alongside responsibility.

Ok, he is being rather abusive, in my opinion. I very much doubt that a court would side with him. I expect he wouldn’t want to risk going to court and is trying to Stop you getting a court order, which would almost certainly go in your favour. Re: maintenance: the less time he spends with his child, the more money he has to pay so not seeing her will mean more maintenance Not less. I agree with figuring out a fairer every other weekend for the sake of your own relationship with your daughter. I really hope you figure things out. Have you heard of the freedom programme? It might really help xxx