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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Argument with DH

35 replies

9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 12:50

I’ll try not make this too long.

Just had a row with DH over his mum wanting to take our children to her holiday home in the Easter hols. She sprang it on him yesterday saying which days she would take them. I’ve already arranged appts and annual leave etc for the time she would like to take them.
I said to DH that she could have asked when was best (she doesn’t work) and that I think it’s nice she wants to take the kids away, but she could at least have asked if we had any plans rather than thinking we hadn’t.

DH has proper kicked off. He’s told me to fuck off. I told him to fuck off back. He’s then stormed out of the room shouting that I’m fucking bi-polar, I’m a bi-polar bitch and that he never knows where he is with me.

I admit, I do have MH issues - PTSD - but this isn’t problematic at the moment.

This is totally out of character. He’s not normally a sweary/ shouty person. I feel sick that he’s thrown a mental health insult at me as well.

He’s now stormed out and driven off somewhere. I don’t know where as he’s left his phone.

I don’t know what to do.

OP posts:
eurgh · 06/04/2019 12:54

Did MIL talk to HIM about it and he's not bothered to tell you so has kicked off and turned it on you to take the spotlight off him perhaps? I only say this as it's EXACTLY something my ex would have done - turn it on me when he knows he is in the wrong. FWIW I don't think it's unreasonable to be consulted before you're told what you're own children will be doing!

Samind · 06/04/2019 12:57

Absolutely agree it's reasonable you should have been asked. They're your children and like you say you could of organised something for them.

Is there anything going on with him if this is the first outburst of its kind? It was very cruel of him to say these things. Hope you're ok!

Original poster
9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 12:58

She spoke to him yesterday about it, but as it’s less than two weeks away I had already made the appointments and leave etc and had made plans in my head. I am happy to ignore my plans and work around the appointments, but it was more that it’s not a surprise that school hols are coming up and I thought that we would be asked.

It seems like such a massive reaction on his part. Blush part of me feels crazy and maybe I am bipolar, but the other part feels gaslighted.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 06/04/2019 12:59

You're totally reasonable.

He's wrong and unpleasant.

Friedspamfritters · 06/04/2019 13:00

Erm he sounds like he's being totally out of order. What else is going on for him? If he's not normally a shouty aggressive person there must be some cause for his nasty behaviour?

Original poster
9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 13:01

He’s never been like this before. I am really worried that there is something going on with him to make him like this. I know he’s been stressed at work, but I feel this is a massive over reaction and very mean.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 06/04/2019 13:01

He's behaved really badly, but did you discuss your plans with him? Is he taking any time off?

GreenTulips · 06/04/2019 13:02

He’s mentally planned his child free days and you’ve scuppered this, I mean your only their mother why should you get a say?
I would decline as well and ask that they discuss dates with you another time

Original poster
9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 13:03

Nanny - yes, we discussed it as he has an appointment on the same day and has booked a couple of days off work too during this time.

That’s one of the things I said to him - that his mum should have asked as she’s chosen the days we either have plans or have booked off work already to do stuff.

OP posts:
bridgetreilly · 06/04/2019 13:05

Can you phone MIL and explain the situation, especially re appointments and work out between you what days will work for the children to be with her?

Then deal with your husband's massively unreasonable over-reaction later.

HopefulAgain10 · 06/04/2019 13:07

Yanbu thats incredibly out of order. And to throw your MH back at you is just unforgivable.

What would piss me off is your MIL audacity to just think that's her children and you have no say. He got angry with you because he jumps to her tune and you dont want to as well.

HoHoHolittlepea · 06/04/2019 13:13

it's an abusive reaction..totally off the charts..
it's unreasonable of his mum too...if it was me I'd say no and that it's a lovely idea but far far too short notice.

cakeymccakeface · 06/04/2019 13:14

What appointments do you have and with 2 weeks notice can't they be rescheduled?

I'd be delighted if my children's grandparents would take them away for quality time. I think 2 weeks is more than adequate notification.

BarrenFieldofFucks · 06/04/2019 13:16

Of course it isn't. And besides, since when do people 'give notice'? Why wouldn't they pick up the phone and ask?

Original poster
9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 13:21

Cakey- dental and opticians. It’s hard to get nhs appts at our dentist, so I book the kids in for school holidays and figured it was best to get their eyes tested on the same day. So a fun family day out at the dentist and opticians, lol.

I could probably rearrange the opticians, but the dentist is a bloody nightmare. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 13:25

I am ok with people saying I am unreasonable about the MIL bit. I’m not sure if I am or not.

OP posts:
NoraEphronsneck · 06/04/2019 13:26

I always book opticians/dentists etc for school holidays too. Much easier to get everything sorted out on one boring day.

cuppycakey · 06/04/2019 13:27

I would not rearrange any of these appointments.

Your DH sounds very volatile. Do you think he is with his mother? Does he have a history of being unable to say no to her?

I wouldn't have him back until I could be sure he wasn't going to behave like this again.

GreatDuckCookery · 06/04/2019 13:29

DH should have told her that he would run it by you before agreeing imo.

Original poster
9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 13:29

He’s just pulled back up now in the car. Will report back in a bit.

OP posts:
SummerInSun · 06/04/2019 13:35

If this is genuinely uncharacteristic behaviour for him, I'd definitely be concerned that there is something else going on and he's taking the stress of the something else out on you. You says he's having a stressful time at work - could he be at risk of redundancy / being fired? Could he have a health scare he hasn't told you about?

I think the issue of what you do about the holidays is a totally separate issue to the issue of how he's behaved when you had this disagreement.

Original poster
9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 15:00

He’s downstairs, I’m upstairs. We haven’t spoken yet. Feeling pretty low now, to be honest, struggling with this. We’ve been married 9 years, I don’t understand why he would want to hurt me like this. Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
9OhDearMe9 · 06/04/2019 15:01

No risk of redundancy/firing. His job is secure. He’s just stressed because he’s busy at work. I don’t think there’s any health issues.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 06/04/2019 15:11

Go out and leave him to his strop.
When things are calmer later, maybe, you both can talk it through. I'd let things simmer down. I'd also be demanding an apology.

TotHappy · 06/04/2019 15:21

What do you mean, you haven't spoken? You blanked each other or he just came in and acted like everything was fine?

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