Really need some opinions on what feels like an impossible situation! Cannot find a solution that makes everyone happy and potentially means me losing my DD.

[cherrytreeblossom]

OK... so a bit of history.

We own a house that we lived in from 2004-2016.

We started to outgrow it but due to historical debt problems and DH recent self employed status we weren't in a position to move.

DH was earning more money than we had ever been used to and we decided to rent the property out and rent another, much larger property to solve our problem.

We rented a house completely out of the budget we could afford to buy. Went from 3 bed end terrace to 5 bed, 3 storey, 4 toilet, 4 reception room.

My DD (16 at the time) had been suffering terrible depression and anxiety, she was in a very terrible place, hugely depressed, self harmed, didn't attend school for a long time - during this time she was also diagnosed with ASD - she was beginning to recover slightly when we moved. I was able to give her essentially her own floor in the new house - big bedroom with ensuite and walk in wardrobe and everyone else in other part of the house.

This helped her massively - she likes to be isolated from the rest of the household and spends huge amount of time in her room.

After just over a year, our landlord was selling the property so we moved to where we are now. Smaller and less grand than the first rented property but still bigger than our owned house. I gave DD the master bedroom with ensuite so that she was still able to have her private space.

DD is now working full time and managing life way more successfully than she has before, or that I ever dreamed was possible a few years ago.

The issue is now that DH now earns nowhere near what he was, that opportunity ended and he also hated working away from home for so long - we made the decision for him to move back home into a permanent position again and taking a big pay cut.

We are now forking out nearly a thousand a month on this house and whilst we can afford it, it eats up a lot of our disposable income and seems less worth it than before as this house isn't as large as last and is in way worse area.

The only options available to us are to return to our own home -
We are deciding wether to go back just to try and sell it and move on (still have concerns about getting a mortgage for significantly more than our current one)
Go home, get a big extension on it and make it as nice as possible.
Go home, spend less than option above but get conservatory converted to a bedroom and put in new bathroom. So that there will be room for all 3 kids to have their own rooms.

2 younger kids (1 teen 1 almost teen) are keen to move back - that move would be really positive for them - closer to school and their friends not to mention as a family we would have an extra £500 a month at our disposal.

DD will not even discuss it, she has unrealistic expectations now about "needing" an ensuite. She believes that if she went back there she would not cope. She sees it as the house where all the bad stuff happened and that she cannot go back there. It is very difficult to reason with her as she will say, I wanted to die when I was there - how do I argue with that?

Any time it has been raised she is adamant she won't come back - her plan b would be to move in to my Mums spare room , this would be ok with my mum but would definitely have an impact. It would be so unsettling for me, it would feel temporary and makes the decision to make this move so hard as by doing so I am effectively rejecting one of my children.

DH has lost patience with me dragging my heels over this and has contacted the letting agent and given them 2 months notice and given our tenant 2 months notice. He sees it as us throwing away money we can't afford every month.

My daughter nearly 20 now, is away on a long holiday at the moment (she really is doing way better than ever before, managing to travel, work, drive etc) although still struggles with some aspects of life and can be very rigid, catastrophise and prone to having bouts of low function and mood. I love her so much and I think my way of dealing with her illness was to try and protect her from any negative feelings, trying to solver problems and make things as easy as possible for her.
During the time of her worse depression we had a lot of trauma in the family - we lost my grandparents, my dad and my mum was critically ill all in a very short period of time. Since then my step mum has died and my DDs uncle - we have been through a lot, particularly DD for her age and with fragile mental health.

So I have the job of breaking this news to her on her return, it has made me hugely anxious as I just know its not going to go well.

If I took DD out of the equation it would be an exciting move - being back in our own home where we can make improvements and decorate etc The kids would be excited me and DH would be excited and relieved to be saving the money and be able to go on holiday etc.

However, the reality is I just dont know what the next few weeks are going to hold - I have a fear that either way, wether she comes with us or not it will push DD back to the state she used to be (and in my worst fears cause her to self harm or wore) and I would feel responsible for ruining her mental health again. I worry that she won't cope and will hate me for it and cut me off.

Would love some support to unpick this in my head !

If the op had a physically disabled adult child who could independently go to work, drive a car and go on holiday but was insisting the whole family made sacrifices so she had an en suite bedroom my opinion Woukd be exactly the same

FFS Theredjellybean it's not about "wanting an en suite". The vomosridon wou

The point about mentioning a physical disability is that you can see where and how they struggle. That's where the comparison is - it's far more obvious when something is difficult and it's much easier for other people to understand.

This girl is on holiday and going to uni - many people are assuming this means she can live independently and is capable of far more than the OP is suggesting. This is what we mean when we mean invisible disability. Do you see the fact she's not able to go on many of the excursions and has hidden in her room? The sheer fact of going somewhere new has exhausted her reserves? That she can't manage everything simultaneously? Imagine your toughest, hardest job interview - you get through the day, and you cope. You're exhausted by the end of the day. Yes, you can do it but the idea of having that kind of day, every day is exhausting. That's kind of what it's like for ASD - many ASD folk really struggle to manage everything and you don't see the effort it takes just to cope with the basics.

Just because this young lass is planning on university and has managed to go on holiday does not mean she's ready to cope with everything. Maybe she will one day but she's struggled with many aspects of the holiday according to OP, and university will be a huge challenge too. She still needs support in the background but many people aren't seeing these invisible struggles because they don't know enough about ASD.

Oops!
For the OP's dd the separate living space including the en suite met her needs. For another person with a physical disability it might be that having a bedroom on the ground floor met their needs. That might require adjustments by the rest of the family too e.g. losing a reception room downstairs.
But people seem more ready to accept that the physical needs should be met without suggesting that person is being spoiled or indulged .

Ummm... Too tired to speak.. The op daughter is away on a holiday with her bf.. That is abroad.
That sounds like sleep over to me!

Stop judging people with autism based on standards we set for neuro typical people. Things like trips ( with friends ) and work, only happen with support and adjustments in other areas to lighten the load elsewhere. My DD can go to school and have a demanding academic life, only if when she is home she doesn’t have an environment that triggers her sensory issues, so she gets time to relax and not be overloaded. If they don’t get that, it can have really serious consequences.

Yes course when I get into bed with my partner on holiday its exactly the same as a teenager sleepover and the associated minefield of social norms that come with it. If you dont want to get it then dont I dont care. But if the OP has said she installed a lift for her wheelchair bound DD it would not get the same reaction as the en suite has. People are seeing it as entitled and her other kids suffering for that. I think those people are idiots. Maybe that is you maybe its not.

Op, is your mother fully recovered from her health crisis? Is she well enough to cope with your DDs needs for certain foods etc?

Do you associate the old house with stress cherrytreeblossom ?

I just wonder as it must have been very difficult for you as well. In fact the last few years sound awful.

Have I understood correctly that the move back is temporary until you can get a new place? I think that might be good for you too.

I do feel sorry that your husband has forced the issues, although you think this was the right thing for him to do. It jumped out at me that you said you felt intense anxiety about the impending move. Hence me asking whether that was ‘only’ because of your concerns about DD or because of your own feelings?

I think it might come across to DD that it has been purposefully done while she was away, and it is not ideal that your DH did not wait until she was back so you could talk through the options properly with her. But I might have missed the reasons for this (financial?) as I am tired.

Hi OP. I have been through much of what you have been through - eldest took ODs and I used to get regular phone calls from school about her self-harm. I know that my youngest missed out on a lot - but she's had some counselling and since things have improved somewhat recently, I have made sure that the youngest gets lots of my time. It is unbelievably hard to get the right balance - I'm not sure there is a right balance when you are trying to save the life of one child. The eldest had PTSD, much of which was linked to a specific place. She had gradual exposure therapy and CBT which worked for her and she no longer has PTSD and is able to go to that place. EMDR is another option - but clearly it depends on the availability of services or your ability to afford them. I'm sure you are a great Mum who is just trying to do her best in an unbelievably difficult situation that most people just won't get. Try to look after yourself as much as you can - it takes so much out of you. Just know you're not alone.

chocolateworshipper

You sound like such a great Mum.

I ish I had a solution - I get that the simplest solution to suit the family would be your plan but I also have a lot of sympathy for the additional needs your daughter requires adult or not. If your mum’s place would be suitable for her and your mum can cope that sounds like a good option. That doesn’t mean at all you are losing your daughter - she is 20 so under other circumstances a young adult child would be moving away in some capacity.

I wish you luck. Don’t forget to take care of yourself because you sound pulled in all directions trying to keep everyone else happy.

Katarajean - I am dreading telling her and I am cross with DH for not considering the impact of making that decision whilst she is away.

It won't come as a complete surprise though, the couple of days before she left I dropped it into conversation that whilst she's away we might have to give notice. She just completely shut me down and said "bad things always happen when I go away"
(my step mum was diagnosed with advanced cancer and weeks to live out of the blue whilst she was away on her last trip away)

I can't clearly think how I feel about the house, so much of it is clouded by her feelings, I find myself saying to friends and family "Was I happy there? Did I like it?"

I can remember feeling desperate to solve the bedroom situation and haven't particularly MISSED living there but when I think about it, it is a nice house in lots of ways and full of happy memories as well as the awful ones.

We havent made a firm decision on what we do next, although I think sell and move as quickly as possible might be the best thing.

DH would like to extend it and solve the problems with it and keep it.

I feel so very sorry for you, because I have one DC diagnosed with ASD and one DC who sounds quite like your DD in the needing to recharge in her own space way. Both very much need their surroundings to be what they know and feel comfortable with to function and thrive. In a different way, I have invested an awful lot in making sure DC with ASD can manage, but without all the additional awful and sad circumstances you have. I do think if you are the primary carer and in this case the only biological parent, it does mean you are the one with the insight and knowledge (both a privilege and a burden, burden in the sense of being the one who has to work all the logistics and support out). It takes an awful lot to get to a stage where things ‘work’ to then have the rug pulled from under your feet.

Your DD is doing very well, and all credit to her and you for that. I think you can emphasise that without minimising the challenges. I do think graduated support to her independence is a good thing in theory, although in practice that will take time and setbacks. Do you have a sense of where she wants to be in five years time, say? You do not need to put it on here, but in terms of longer term goals. It might be helpful to have a sense of going forward rather than back. I mean, if you have a clear idea of goals looking forward then it might help her see there are alternatives to the abyss of the past. If you are traumatised from the past, that is more difficult to do.

I want to suggest the National Autistic Society or similar if there is anyone local to you, but I found them not at all helpful (partly because they told me they only support adults). However, having some strategies in place might be helpful - to both of you. Even how to reframe things from ‘bad’ to ‘necessary but with issues’ in for DD towards proactive ways to address the issues.

I do think also it would be helpful to have a sense of what you feel and what you want, and agree with the posters who have suggested counselling for you. You have been through an awful lot. It sounds like there might be some tensions coming up if you and DH have different views on the house, equally these might resolve with time and practicalities and other opportunities you are not yet aware of. But having a sense of what is important to you is important, I think - so it does not become DD on one side and DH on the other.

I do not know if any of that is helpful but I am in awe of what you have been dealing with. Be proud of yourself but also be gentle with yourself. You are doing your best and you will continue to do so but do not lose sight of your own needs.

Thought Id give an update - we gave notice to our tenants and have given our landlord notice.

We have around 5 weeks left until we move back in.

DD still adamant she can't go back.

Is the plan still for her to go to your mother, OP?

Sorry havent been back to update this thread.

Unfortunately - with a week to go before the move amongst other factors DD took an overdose last week.

Im off work taking care of her and trying to pack up the house.

Very stressful situation.

I only found your thread today and so much resonated me as my dd is very similar, only slightly younger. I think you’ve done a brilliant job trying to balance the needs of everyone in your family, and I was so sad to read your update. Just wanted to send a big hug and my best wishes to you and your dd.

Another newbie to the thread- handhold for you, OP. It sounds horrendously stressful. How is she?

Hi everyone,

DD is ok, she is up and down still 3 weeks on but is definitely more stable. She has been signed off work which I think has taken the pressure off enough for her to be able to cope with the idea of moving a little better.

We move in on saturday. Unfortunately when we got possession of the house back the tenants had RUINED it, so we have had 10 days to basically renovate whole house including new bathroom, back door, windows, internal doors, flooring etc - VERY stressful!

BUT I have been able to prioritise making a brand new room for her - she was very negative at first but its really coming together and looking lovely.

Yesterday we went to IKEA and (spent a fortune) got her furniture and things and she seems to even be slightly excited.

Fingers crossed the next few days go without a hitch!

It sounds like you're doing a great job, OP.
Your family are lucky to have you.

Yay sounds like everything's going in the right direction OP. You really sound like a lovely supportive family. Good luck going forward!

I'd let her move out. She might appreciate the financial choices you are having to make, a bit better then.

Sounds like you are doing an amazing job OP

OP you will all get through this

You sound like a great mum.

What about a garden room for the future op? You can get these amazing ensuite garden rooms with electricity etc...might be worth considering this when you are settled back home.