Really need some opinions on what feels like an impossible situation! Cannot find a solution that makes everyone happy and potentially means me losing my DD.

[cherrytreeblossom]

OK... so a bit of history.

We own a house that we lived in from 2004-2016.

We started to outgrow it but due to historical debt problems and DH recent self employed status we weren't in a position to move.

DH was earning more money than we had ever been used to and we decided to rent the property out and rent another, much larger property to solve our problem.

We rented a house completely out of the budget we could afford to buy. Went from 3 bed end terrace to 5 bed, 3 storey, 4 toilet, 4 reception room.

My DD (16 at the time) had been suffering terrible depression and anxiety, she was in a very terrible place, hugely depressed, self harmed, didn't attend school for a long time - during this time she was also diagnosed with ASD - she was beginning to recover slightly when we moved. I was able to give her essentially her own floor in the new house - big bedroom with ensuite and walk in wardrobe and everyone else in other part of the house.

This helped her massively - she likes to be isolated from the rest of the household and spends huge amount of time in her room.

After just over a year, our landlord was selling the property so we moved to where we are now. Smaller and less grand than the first rented property but still bigger than our owned house. I gave DD the master bedroom with ensuite so that she was still able to have her private space.

DD is now working full time and managing life way more successfully than she has before, or that I ever dreamed was possible a few years ago.

The issue is now that DH now earns nowhere near what he was, that opportunity ended and he also hated working away from home for so long - we made the decision for him to move back home into a permanent position again and taking a big pay cut.

We are now forking out nearly a thousand a month on this house and whilst we can afford it, it eats up a lot of our disposable income and seems less worth it than before as this house isn't as large as last and is in way worse area.

The only options available to us are to return to our own home -
We are deciding wether to go back just to try and sell it and move on (still have concerns about getting a mortgage for significantly more than our current one)
Go home, get a big extension on it and make it as nice as possible.
Go home, spend less than option above but get conservatory converted to a bedroom and put in new bathroom. So that there will be room for all 3 kids to have their own rooms.

2 younger kids (1 teen 1 almost teen) are keen to move back - that move would be really positive for them - closer to school and their friends not to mention as a family we would have an extra £500 a month at our disposal.

DD will not even discuss it, she has unrealistic expectations now about "needing" an ensuite. She believes that if she went back there she would not cope. She sees it as the house where all the bad stuff happened and that she cannot go back there. It is very difficult to reason with her as she will say, I wanted to die when I was there - how do I argue with that?

Any time it has been raised she is adamant she won't come back - her plan b would be to move in to my Mums spare room , this would be ok with my mum but would definitely have an impact. It would be so unsettling for me, it would feel temporary and makes the decision to make this move so hard as by doing so I am effectively rejecting one of my children.

DH has lost patience with me dragging my heels over this and has contacted the letting agent and given them 2 months notice and given our tenant 2 months notice. He sees it as us throwing away money we can't afford every month.

My daughter nearly 20 now, is away on a long holiday at the moment (she really is doing way better than ever before, managing to travel, work, drive etc) although still struggles with some aspects of life and can be very rigid, catastrophise and prone to having bouts of low function and mood. I love her so much and I think my way of dealing with her illness was to try and protect her from any negative feelings, trying to solver problems and make things as easy as possible for her.
During the time of her worse depression we had a lot of trauma in the family - we lost my grandparents, my dad and my mum was critically ill all in a very short period of time. Since then my step mum has died and my DDs uncle - we have been through a lot, particularly DD for her age and with fragile mental health.

So I have the job of breaking this news to her on her return, it has made me hugely anxious as I just know its not going to go well.

If I took DD out of the equation it would be an exciting move - being back in our own home where we can make improvements and decorate etc The kids would be excited me and DH would be excited and relieved to be saving the money and be able to go on holiday etc.

However, the reality is I just dont know what the next few weeks are going to hold - I have a fear that either way, wether she comes with us or not it will push DD back to the state she used to be (and in my worst fears cause her to self harm or wore) and I would feel responsible for ruining her mental health again. I worry that she won't cope and will hate me for it and cut me off.

Would love some support to unpick this in my head !

I agree with PP. With the greatest of respect, you're not helping her. ASD or not, she needs to grow up! Plenty of young adults with ASD of varying degrees manage to live either independently or without an en suite at least!! Many young adults with ASD are capable of taking some responsibility for themselves!!

I think she needs to go and look at the old house and be inside it to see how it makes her feel now. She assumes she will find it traumatic but she has no idea how she will actually feel or react. Do that before you make any decisions on where she will live.

Also, she has to take responsibility for her own mental health and learn coping strategies for unwanted situations. Things might be hard for her but she sounds stable and strong enough to cope with a house move. She actually sounds much better than I was when I did it!

Sorry OP but your younger 2 will gradually build up all this resentment as it seems your DD is using her disability to get her own way.

She went off travelling on her own where I guarantee she would of not had the same Facility's she has at home. She holds down a job and is off to Uni, yet your still treating her like a China Doll, whilst your younger kids get shoved in the box room!

No! You have 2 other kids to think about.

Thank you SO much for the recent supportive posts from people who really seem to get it.

I absolutely feel she has been able to do as well as she has because she was able to fully decompress and Ive been coping on her behalf with whatever I can. She is coping with a lot with the emphasis being on "coping". She doesn't really socialise and like I said earlier, work takes so much out of her she spends the rest of the time lying in bed and withdrawing from the world.
She often becomes upset if she has had an interaction that she didn't understand, peoples behaviour really confuses or upsets her sometimes.

I do have to adapt my responses to keep her steady and its exhausting - I do need to sort this out. For eg on way to airport her boyfriend realised he forgot his wallet and we had to go back for it. Rather than me expressing my own stress, I have to swallow it down and be the rock. "Thats ok, Ill take you to airport, start checking in and Ill go back for it, its not the end of the world, its going to be fine" Through gritted teeth and anxiety building. But Im very aware of her tipping point and desperately didn't want her to panic and refuse to go.

Im thrilled that she has managed this trip and to the poster that asked, yes, she does have ensuite facilities lol Its been a source of humour that she is certainly not having the traditional travelling experience. She is staying at luxury hotels at each stop with the itinerary planned around staying in the room and missing the sightseeing if she isn't up to it.
She has been on various trips and not left the room but that still makes me happy that she is lying in bed in a different location! She has saved hard for the holiday, one benefit of not socialising is she has little to spend her money on.

She contributes financially by way of paying board. She is very good with money, meticulous with budgeting - I could take a leaf out of her book.

Id like her to have more talking therapy as her thinking is still very rigid, but typically, she won't pursue this as the therapist that really helped her a few years ago left the service and "no one else will be like him"

Can I just say that I am very sensitive to all of my children and how they feel!

Im not just tuned into DD and making sure she is ok, it goes without saying that they each have that from me. When she was very poorly however, yes her needs dominated, as would any childs who was acutely unwell.

If anything, I spend lots more quality time with the other two as they enjoy socialising with me and going places. It quite often feels that we are a family of four plus DD as she can be so withdrawn from us a lot of the time. The story of this thread might make it sounds as if it is me and DD and the others left in the shadows but that is really not the case.

My DS has some physical health needs at the moment and has my full support and care for these. I have a brilliant relationship with my other children and they have a great relationship with DD. She gives my DS lifts at his beck and call and spends time doing my other DDs make up etc.

You've clearly given so much to this OP, and you must also have been a great mum to your younger kids for them to be so kind and supportive to their older sister. What help do you get to carry your own upset and stress? When I read
Rather than me expressing my own stress, I have to swallow it down and be the rock
I felt tense for you myself. Do you have a counsellor you see on your own behalf? It would cost money but you matter too and it also makes sense from the point that if you're holding everything else up, no one else can afford for you to go under.

There are just so many people on this thread who have zero clue about autism and what it is like, they don’t do things to be difficult. Suicide and self harm is incredibly high in the autism community so just think about what you’re typing.

Fuck off to all the people saying people with ASD can live alone work manage etc....just because one or some people with ASD can that doesnt mean everyone else with ASD can. I think the pareng knows what their own ASD child is or isnt capable of they will have spent their whole friggin life thinking about it. To say the other childrens needs arent being considered is insulting. If someone had a physically disabled child that response wouldnt even come into it. Yes as parents it is our responsibility to help them cope with new things and new situations but at their own pace and capabilities. 😟

It works best here if I explained what's definitely happening-we're moving back to our old house.
Then offer option - you can choose to move back in with us, live with gran (but you'll have to help cook etc) or find another place with your student loan.
(We swapped size rooms when we moved so the youngest didn't always have a small room)
Stop cooking for her though, she chooses to eat the family meal or can cook for herself.

Cherry this is a good channel, Asperger’s Girl. This video is particularly apt- what not to say to someone with autism! But she has a few good ones on Uni that might be helpful

But cherryblossom.. You yourself said you as a family can't really afford to stay in the rented bigger house.
If you move back you'd have more money and your other children would get some benefits specific to them.. Like near friends.
Your dd can and is managing an adult relationship, a job, and has saved for what sounds like an expensive holiday... I understand your her mother and want to protect her from life stresses but maybe she could manage a bit more independently.
It is really not a choice between her and other children but a balance for everyone.
After all you and dh and dc are not all on a luxury holiday arw you? Cus you have to spend money on renting house big enough so dd has en suite and her own space.
If she finds having her own space so important and likes being left on her own she could have used saved money for her own flat?

Could you convert the loft into a bedroom with ensuite?

Theredjellybean

Did you not read the update? They are moving back into their house!

If her preferred option is to stay with your DM, and you seem to agree it would work, could her stay there be on a temp basis initially while you do up the house in such a way as to give her that private space she needs?

I would imagine being there during building works would be difficult for her?

If after that's done she still can't bring herself to come home you could look at moving (having added value to the house) or maybe the time will have let you all settle down to a 'new normal' and she'll be better for being that one step removed from home and having a stepping stone towards independence?

^^Just this. So many people not seeing the bigger picture.

I can't count the number of times over the years I've said "if this was a physical disability we wouldn't be having this conversation".

It's utterly exhausting - people don't get the way ASD affects an individual or understand what's going on beneath the surface.

It does read as though she has the life of Riley doesn't it - it really isn't that way but I have lots to take away from the thread.

I need to get some support for myself so I can move out of crisis management and start strategically allowing her more room to make mistakes and learn from them. Moving out in 8 weeks to fend for herself is too extreme though just yet.

I appreciate all the views and opinions, it has really helped me to think it through.

I really am a very nice Mum to all of my kids though, I need to reiterate that one!!!

By 'better' I don't mean get better as in ASD is something that's to be cured, I meant better as in her depression and feeling secure.

Sorry, just re read it and saw how it could be read.

FFS. Me and technology are not a good combination... 😂 I was trying to quote @tootiredtospeak who nailed it spot on.

@tootiredtospeak
If the op had a physically disabled adult child who could independently go to work, drive a car and go on holiday but was insisting the whole family made sacrifices so she had an en suite bedroom my opinion Woukd be exactly the same.
And I don't think posters are wrong to point out that from the info given the other children of the family are not getting the same consideration.
They want to move back to the house, they want to be near school and friends, why should what they want and need not be as important as the elder daughter?

While it may seem as though it’s all easy peasy to do ‘normal’ things like go to work, travel etc for many on the spectrum, making sense of the constant chaos and managing sensory sensitivity is extremely draining and for those managing anxiety or with a past as difficult as the OP’s DD, those supporting need to give extra help and support to make sure their fragile state is stable and prevent relapse. Just imagine how stressful that is for a moment. This doesn’t follow normal patterns of independence. I kindly suggest watching this really amazing video the NAS made, which shows how challenging a simple train journey can be, and consider for a moment how difficult it is for those with this disorder and for a mother watching their child struggle to maintain a normal life:

@theredjellybean - we are moving back in 8 weeks, notice has been given to our tenant and landlord.

Hence the thread!!!

the other children of the family are not getting the same consideration

Well they don’t need it do they. You understand the implications if someone’s mental health isn’t managed right? We’re talking about an actual life here, not merely getting the bedroom you want. You really do not understand.

Cherryblossom.. The half way option of her staying at grandma's sounds an excellent idea. For both of you.
It would be lovely if she blossoms with a bit more self res and you know she is safe and I hope your mum can report back to you if things not going well.
And it gives you and your dp some financial breathing space.
And time to sell.. Or not... Your dd might find she likes being independent.. You don't know till you try.
I wish her and the rest of family best of luck, hope move goes well

Because they dont need the same parenting. They will find ways to socalise and see freinds they will be able to travel independantly, they will be able to have sleepovers at their friends they will cope. I have 2 others kids and they matter I love them so much and if they had the same struggles in life I will do all I can to help. But its unlikley as I am now I will be considering a future proof extension as they may well be with me forever.

You sound lovely and as if you have been doing such a good job under extremely challenging circumstances.

Personally I think that you have come to a really sensible conclusion.

I know this response doesn't really add anything; I just want you to know that you sound like a wonderful mother. I hope you are finding time and energy to take care of yourself too.