Really need some opinions on what feels like an impossible situation! Cannot find a solution that makes everyone happy and potentially means me losing my DD.

[cherrytreeblossom]

OK... so a bit of history.

We own a house that we lived in from 2004-2016.

We started to outgrow it but due to historical debt problems and DH recent self employed status we weren't in a position to move.

DH was earning more money than we had ever been used to and we decided to rent the property out and rent another, much larger property to solve our problem.

We rented a house completely out of the budget we could afford to buy. Went from 3 bed end terrace to 5 bed, 3 storey, 4 toilet, 4 reception room.

My DD (16 at the time) had been suffering terrible depression and anxiety, she was in a very terrible place, hugely depressed, self harmed, didn't attend school for a long time - during this time she was also diagnosed with ASD - she was beginning to recover slightly when we moved. I was able to give her essentially her own floor in the new house - big bedroom with ensuite and walk in wardrobe and everyone else in other part of the house.

This helped her massively - she likes to be isolated from the rest of the household and spends huge amount of time in her room.

After just over a year, our landlord was selling the property so we moved to where we are now. Smaller and less grand than the first rented property but still bigger than our owned house. I gave DD the master bedroom with ensuite so that she was still able to have her private space.

DD is now working full time and managing life way more successfully than she has before, or that I ever dreamed was possible a few years ago.

The issue is now that DH now earns nowhere near what he was, that opportunity ended and he also hated working away from home for so long - we made the decision for him to move back home into a permanent position again and taking a big pay cut.

We are now forking out nearly a thousand a month on this house and whilst we can afford it, it eats up a lot of our disposable income and seems less worth it than before as this house isn't as large as last and is in way worse area.

The only options available to us are to return to our own home -
We are deciding wether to go back just to try and sell it and move on (still have concerns about getting a mortgage for significantly more than our current one)
Go home, get a big extension on it and make it as nice as possible.
Go home, spend less than option above but get conservatory converted to a bedroom and put in new bathroom. So that there will be room for all 3 kids to have their own rooms.

2 younger kids (1 teen 1 almost teen) are keen to move back - that move would be really positive for them - closer to school and their friends not to mention as a family we would have an extra £500 a month at our disposal.

DD will not even discuss it, she has unrealistic expectations now about "needing" an ensuite. She believes that if she went back there she would not cope. She sees it as the house where all the bad stuff happened and that she cannot go back there. It is very difficult to reason with her as she will say, I wanted to die when I was there - how do I argue with that?

Any time it has been raised she is adamant she won't come back - her plan b would be to move in to my Mums spare room , this would be ok with my mum but would definitely have an impact. It would be so unsettling for me, it would feel temporary and makes the decision to make this move so hard as by doing so I am effectively rejecting one of my children.

DH has lost patience with me dragging my heels over this and has contacted the letting agent and given them 2 months notice and given our tenant 2 months notice. He sees it as us throwing away money we can't afford every month.

My daughter nearly 20 now, is away on a long holiday at the moment (she really is doing way better than ever before, managing to travel, work, drive etc) although still struggles with some aspects of life and can be very rigid, catastrophise and prone to having bouts of low function and mood. I love her so much and I think my way of dealing with her illness was to try and protect her from any negative feelings, trying to solver problems and make things as easy as possible for her.
During the time of her worse depression we had a lot of trauma in the family - we lost my grandparents, my dad and my mum was critically ill all in a very short period of time. Since then my step mum has died and my DDs uncle - we have been through a lot, particularly DD for her age and with fragile mental health.

So I have the job of breaking this news to her on her return, it has made me hugely anxious as I just know its not going to go well.

If I took DD out of the equation it would be an exciting move - being back in our own home where we can make improvements and decorate etc The kids would be excited me and DH would be excited and relieved to be saving the money and be able to go on holiday etc.

However, the reality is I just dont know what the next few weeks are going to hold - I have a fear that either way, wether she comes with us or not it will push DD back to the state she used to be (and in my worst fears cause her to self harm or wore) and I would feel responsible for ruining her mental health again. I worry that she won't cope and will hate me for it and cut me off.

Would love some support to unpick this in my head !

[cherrytreeblossom]

Hey thanks everyone for the replies !!!!

I almost can't believe it - she has been gone almost 4 weeks and I've tentatively moved into her bedroom (me and DH took the conservatory when we moved back)

She has been her typically rigid self there and said she thought I'd leave her bedroom for when she visits (and remain in my conservatory bedroom with plastic roof!!!) some things never change - but I'm thrilled at where we are now x

[carly2803]

fantastic update OP

but...how are YOU?

[EmNetta]

As one of the older generation, may I point out that living with your Mum could have a positive effect on your DD's mental health. Unless I've missed a post, all
previous comments have emphasised how much this move could help solve the family's problems, including assistance that a younger person could offer to someone much older and living alone.

Many older people can offer a useful ear for various
problems in the outside world, including suggestions for suitable remarks to preserve one's privacy, etc.
without offending people who probably don't know about any mental health issues. Older people have generally more life experience to pass on if asked.

I'm pleased to see that OP has received lots of useful suggestions, and has now decided on what seems to be the best solution all round.

All best wishes for the future.

[lalafafa]

Well done to all your family OP, great to hear a happy story.

[MummyOfBoyAndGirl]

Great update! How are you? Are you looking after yourself?

[Sally872]

Lovely update! Thanks for sharing.

[chocolateisavegetable]

So pleased for you - you have given me hope!

[Waveysnail]

If shes going to uni then she can live in student accomadation. Plenty of bed sit style flats

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

Sorry ! All sorted

[damnthatanxiety]

Thank you OP for the update. It helps all of us to see that things can resolve and move on. Sometimes it is hard to believe that when we are in the midst of a crisis.

[EL8888]

She doesn't "need" an ensuite, she wants one. I am 40 years old and have never had an ensuite, it is just one of those things. It is not fair or reasonable for everyone to be tiptoeing around her. Everyones thoughts and feelings need to be considered, alongside the financial implications. Plus at the age of 20 if she doesn't like it, then maybe she needs to get her own place / go into a house share etc. Then pay the market rate for an ensuite. I wouldn't be giving her bribes, she has options but she just doesn't seem to like them.

[Thisisworsethananticpated]

So hard OP , and even though people
Will say ‘well she is an adult now ‘ it’s only just , and you have come through so much

But you don’t have an option really . I really can’t see what else you can do , and that needs to be the basis of the discussion with her . And adult discussion , just you
And her away from the home .

Run through all the options and show her the financials , I would have it very practical
And almost business focussed conversation and treat her as a fellow adult in the family

But you have to do what’s necessary

[DreemOn]

Thanks for the update OP. How are you doing?

[RandomMess]

Wow what an update!!!

[MatterhornMadness]

Wow, what an amazing outcome! So pleased for you all
Hope the younger ones are happy too

[CharityDingle]

Great update, OP!

[lostinleaves]

Even with ASD and the accompanying anxiety, at nearly 20 this is a perfectly fair scenario to present to her. You are mitigating the move. Others in the family do have rights and deserve to be considered too.

^ This.

Will she have an en-suite at your mother's house if she goes to live there?

[Rosspoldarkssaddle]

Just seen update. Doh.

[SallySun123]

My parents had to move house and downsize during an incredibly difficult period when my brother was seriously mentally ill. Did me and my sister care that he got preferential treatment? Of course we didn’t! We wanted what was best for the family and that meant putting his needs first.

Saying that, you can’t shield her from life’s challenges and it’s normal to have to support her through both disappointment and change.

[Rosspoldarkssaddle]

I would be offering three options:
You go to grandmas and pay keep
You go into a flat or house share and pay your way
You help us plan and decorate an annexe which will be in the garden, separate from the house and pay "rent" .
These insulated garden rooms can have their own bathroom, kitchen, sitting area. When she leaves home properly, you can have guests stay, rent it out or let one of the other kids move on when they are old enough.

[Bella2020]

Great news! Thanks for updating us, OP.

[CastleCrasher]

What a great update, I remember this thread from the start, you've all come a long way - so glad it's all worked out well.

[cherrytreeblossom]

Wanted to update this to say that 8 months on from moving back to our house my daughter and has moved away to a city 2.5 hours away with her boyfriend !

Lesson to self

Things will work out !

[cherrytreeblossom]

Thanks everyone for the lovely, supportive responses.

AgentJohnson

Just before we moved out, I gave up drinking. I was self medicating through all of the pressure and stress and I got to a turning point of realising it wasnt helping at all, in fact was making my stressful life even more difficult to manage.

Im 3 months sober today and that has been the gift I gave to myself, I am slowly unpicking all of the situations I used to drink on and trying to carve out a more positive existence!

I may well pick up with some counselling alongside this as well - but at the moment things are going in the right direction.