To be furious that DS and friends have drawn on faces with sharpie at sleepover

[peoplepleaser1]

Yesterday was DS' 12th birthday. He had 6 friends sleep overnight.

They've been no trouble but I've got up this morning to find they've drawn on the faces of two sleeping friends with sharpie whilst they were asleep.

They have drawn moustaches, bushy eyebrows and cheek roses. I've tried to remove it with them but it's still quite visible. Both kids have quite pale skin which has made it even more visible.

I'm mortified, and upset and angry that DS let this happen under our roof. I was responsible for these kids and I feel terrible that they did this.

I've told DS to carry on as normal and that I'll deal with him once they've all gone home.

I'm not usually very strict and DS is usually a good kid but I'm really annoyed with him- well with all of them tbh but it's not my place to do anything about that.

DS is going to his dads tonight, we aren't together. I have mentioned it to him and he has said I'm ridiculous and overreacting. I planned to ban DS from electronics for a couple of days but his Dad has said he won't back me up so I can't do that.

AIBU and overreacting?!

[QueenKubauOfKish]

I wouldn’t just laugh it off, but I’d try to keep calm. It was a silly thing to do, poor x and y, come on let’s get it off and don’t do that again. Wd40 or nail polish remover (though be careful if sensitive skin) and a good wash.

12yos are often silly and don’t think. Not boys will be boys, but definitely 12yos will be 12yos. If you respond like it’s the end of the world it will make it bigger deal for them too. Just deal with it, make clear it was going a bit too far, and quickly move on.

[Soontobe60]

I'd be fuming if my child did this to another child whilst they were sleeping.
It's a pity your ex thinks it's not an issue, I would still carry out consequences when your DS returns from his dads. Have you checked that none of the boys have taken photos of the drawings? Or worse, posted them online?

As for the comment 'boys will be boys', this is 2019, not 1919. What a ridiculous thing to say!

[peoplepleaser1]

Thank you for all the thoughtful responses.

To answer a few questions: The two were picked on because they fell asleep first. They used sharpies, as in permanent markers. It has faded but is still very visible.

DS knows I'm very disappointed but I'm leaving it until they have all left to talk to him properly.

I don't usually do 'punishments' but it does feel appropriate to say he can't use any technology for a few days.

DS's dad has called me to say I'm overreacting, boys will be boys etc etc. I'm quite sure he would be livid if DS had been on the receiving end. He is also a bully and inconsiderate in general so I guess his response is what I'd expect. I guess he and DS will laugh at my reaction behind my back, but I want to stick to my guns- making me 'bad cop' but that can't be helped I guess.

I hate that it's expected that the kids who have been drawn on should shrug it all off as some sort of high jinks. It's like the acceptance of cruel banter. I thought better of DS.

[RandomMess]

Definitely go down the "I'm disappointed in you route"

I would include his Dads bullying and attitude to humiliating others. Name the behaviour for what it is.

They are 12 they know sharpies are difficult to remove, they wouldn't have been happy if it were them.

I dunno as he's going to his Dads for a few days write on DS forehead "my Dad is a dick" see if your ex still thinks it's funny?

You could do it in eyeliner...

[iklboo]

Boys will be boys I'm afraid

This attitude is why men get away with everything.

[Jessgalinda]

He is also a bully and inconsiderate in general so I guess his response is what I'd expect.

So anyone who disagrees must a bully and inconsiderate.

I dont think you should just laugh it off but furious is an over reaction.

As is banning devices, imo. You would be better served explaining to him exactly why it's not ok and making sure he makes proper apologies and asking how he would feel if it was him.

Teaching him to think of how he would feel if someone was doing to him, what he does to others, is something he needs to do as second nature and it's a good time to start.

[FenellaMaxwell]

Boys will be boys?! Are you fucking kidding me??

No, it’s not ok to do things to other people in their sleep and yes as a mum I would be furious if your DS has done this to mine.

[faeveren]

It depends why you are furious, is it because it was actually your son who drew on the boys or is it because he did not try to stop it and you don't want the other parents to think bad of you?

Have you established what happened, was your son even awake? How does he feel and has he apologised? Have the boys that done it apologised. I also think if there is any punishment then it should be with you not at his dads.

[recklessgran]

Yes, I think you're over reacting,it's just a silly prank not unlike adult men shaving off their mates eyebrows and the like. I don't think you'd be so bothered about it if you could have easily removed the evidence and wouldn't have had to explain to the parents concerned. I'd just put it down to a childish prank and after making it clear to my DS that he has caused you embarrassment I would confiscate the Sharpies and leave it.
Hairspray or hand sanitiser containing alcohol should get it off OP.

[CarolDanvers]

not unlike adult men shaving off their mates eyebrows and the like.

But they’re not adult men and it’s still a shit thing to do even as adults.

[OffToBedhampton]

I have a great sense of humour, but I don't think it funny to do this. I'd be annoyed at all the children who did it. There's nothing clever nor witty about it.

There's pranks and there's nastiness. Two upset DCs, this is nastiness.

Couple days without electronics would be the least of my DS's and his friend's worries. The ones who did it would be apologising to the boys they'd drawn on and going home early.

OP just remove his phone &/ tablet, he can go to dad's without it. I'd want to know if they were my sharpies he'd gone and got, and what he was thinking.

[JakeBallardswife]

This happened to Dd at a sleepover at age 10. A usually very resilient child this ended her friendship with the girl who’d done it as they took photos of them asleep with sharpie & toothpaste on their bodies. The toothpaste burnt & sharpie took a while to come off her face. She felt humiliated.

[BlackeyedGruesome]

apologise to the other parents and let them bollock your son as well to counteract the influence of his dad.

I have a dc who is autistic and lacks impulse control. he gets a bollocking from me and from neighbours. them telling him they will tell his mum is quite effective.

[peoplepleaser1]

I actually think I would prefer to have my eyebrows shaved off than walk around with a moustache, huge cheek patches and huge eyebrows scribbled on my face.

Believe me I have tried all the suggestions to remove it and it won't budge.

[JakeBallardswife]

OP I think you’ve got the right reaction, hopefully it gets laughed off but you’re right I think it’s out of order.

[Readytogogogo]

*iklboo

• Boys will be boys I'm afraid
  
  This attitude is why men get away with everything.*
  
  Totally agree with the above.

[Readytogogogo]

Whoops bold attempt fail!

[faeveren]

I crossed posts so your son was awake and took part, then yes I would be very disappointed in him even at 12 year old. I might even be furious and pin him down and draw on his face take his electronics away.

As for laughing with his dad, he will, eventually, grow up with your values and morals and be a better person for it.

[Aveeno2017]

People saying it's harmless fun...no it's not if the boys are upset! I don't find humiliation the least bit funny!! If my husband decided to draw on me with a Sharpie pen for a laugh I would be furious! Why should a 12 year old feel any different.

[TriarFuck]

Just thinking a bit further, OP. I'd tend to go for 'natural consequences', if you want to impose some form of punishment, rather than confiscating technology (not sure what it would be in this case, other than confiscating Sharpies, but that's a different matter). My DC are late teens, but I save the technology-confiscation for offences directly related to technology, on the whole. There is no shortage of these offences, unfortunately.

[Eisley]

As adults, it can be funny as we can weigh up the pros and cons of a prank but kids are still learning that skill. I think you're right to be angry as he's a kid and has done something, with his friends, to upset other people. He'd have known he shouldn't have done it and hopefully with being told off he'll think about saying no to his friends next time and being more responsible. He needs to know it's not appropriate to do this.

[Tanith]

I wouldn’t be furious, but I’d be removing sharpies from him and telling him he’s obviously not old enough to be trusted with them.
He’d also be writing letters of apology.

Yes, it was probably intended as a joke, but this is your chance to teach that a joke is only funny if both parties laugh. If his friends are upset, then it’s not a joke, whatever they intended.

[MrsRyanGosling15]

I don't think you are over reacting at all. I would be furious if this happened to my son. We wouldn't be able to wash it off with anything apart from water as his skin is so sensitive. School once put face paint on him for a play. Even though he told they he can't get anything on his face. He was off for over a week because of the colour/swelling/hives and he had his grandfather's funeral in that week.

[TaylahForsyth]

Woah, if your son is a bully then that changes things. A LOT. I was working on the assumption the boys were all friends. Why is he a bully? Have you sat down with him and asked him why he bullies others (I assume you mean at school and in general)? Usually people because of a bad home life or insecurity issues in general. Sounds like he could need a Psychologist?