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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

(Possible trigger warning) To think he should share the contents of this letter

52 replies

Theironingpilewontstop · 06/04/2019 08:14

I’ve name changed as it’s quite specific and all a bit painful. I’m genuinely interested in if I ABU though.

Last year my beautiful friend got up one morning, took her children to school, went to Tesco and did the food shop for the week and then came home and hung herself.

It came as a complete shock to everyone. She’d never mentioned being depressed, anxious, sad or any other mental health problems. Had never seen the GP about anything like this. Had no problems in her marriage that she had ever mentioned to me or other friends. Everyone was left just reeling from it.

She left a letter for her husband. 3 pages long. I got to the house not long after it happened whilst the police were there and they told me about the letter.

Her husband has since completely shut down. He won’t discuss or talk about her at all. He has never said what is in the letter or any explanation which she gave for doing what she did.

I know I have no right to know what is in a personal letter to him. I do know that. But there is a part of me which wishes he could give us some idea of the contents to help me process what the hell happened to her.

Reading this back I probably am BU, but he isn’t the only person who is hurting and this could go someway to helping give some kind of explanation.

AIBU?

OP posts:
twinkle999 · 06/04/2019 08:17

I understand your pain but I think you probably are BU.

It’s a personal letter between husband and wife.

Maybe with time he might share?

pinkyredrose · 06/04/2019 08:17

Oh what a horrific situation. My heart goes out to you. Its up to him if he wants to share the letter though, maybe the contents were specific to him iyswim?

pessimisticstateofperception · 06/04/2019 08:21

I understand that you are hurting, however if she wanted anyone else to have a letter she would have wrote them one. This one is for her husband. It would be unfair to ask, or expect him to share this, it's personal to him.

TheLovleyChebbyMcGee · 06/04/2019 08:22

In the kindest way YABU, but you know that. I'm so sorry for your loss, it must be so difficult.

If there's any consolation, I'd feel exactly the same, itching to know why. For me, that's one of the awful things about suicide, the not knowing why, or the how, or even if someone could have been helped before doing anything. I've not had any really close family friends commit suicide though, so apologies if I've assumed feelings for you, i just remember how I felt after a friend I was once close to but had lost touch with commited suicide.

I'm so sorry and hope you are doing ok.

AliceAforethought · 06/04/2019 08:24

I’m so sorry you lost your lovely friend.

But that letter was personal letter to her DH, not for anyone else. Maybe in time he may say something that clarifies the situation a little, but he’s entitled not to share something so personal.

Original poster
Theironingpilewontstop · 06/04/2019 08:31

I know....I knew I was BU. It’s just the not knowing, it’s the worst.

I can absolutely understand that people can be driven to the edge but it was literally out of nowhere (or so it seems, clearly for her it wasn’t). The lack of a reason is clawing at me

OP posts:
Original poster
Theironingpilewontstop · 06/04/2019 08:32

Even if he just said, she was depressed and that’s that. I don’t want to read the letter

OP posts:
Original poster
Theironingpilewontstop · 06/04/2019 08:33

Incidentally her husband was coming home for lunch so I don’t know, maybe she didn’t have time for too many letters. She didn’t leave any for her kids either which really really surprised me.

OP posts:
talkingjapeneseireallythinkso · 06/04/2019 08:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopefulAgain10 · 06/04/2019 08:38

Sorry but yabvu, please don't ever question her husband. You actually have no right to know. There was some obvious depression in there. And it's not for you to now make assumptions why she didnt leave letters to anyone else.

I say this as someone who has been in the exact same position. And I can tell you the amount of nosy busy bodies who thought they had any damn right to answers so instead filled their curiosity with gossip.

My advice - butt out, support the husband and children but you do not have any right to know any part of that letter.

IchibanLipstickForMen · 06/04/2019 08:39

Hey OP, as someone who has lost multiple people to suicide I really don't think you are being unreasonable. However, I don't think there is anything you can do about it.

Maybe in time he will share the contents when he's ready.. But its still soon. And you have to face the reality that you may never find out. That's something I've had to come to terms with.

Sometimes people just don't cope well with this world. Heck, nobody expected Robin Williams to take his own life! People just become good at pretending. It's so sad.

My cousin hung himself age 33 and he actually did leave a letter. He said that he just never felt like he fit in and just didn't feel right here and couldn't make friends very easily. Which was weird to me cause I always thought he was such a lovely, happy guy. Me and my siblings always had a great time playing and chatting with him! Humans are so complex.

It's really truly awful that this happened with your friend. I'm so sorry OP. I hope you can make some sort of peace with it someday. Sending loads of love Flowers

AndItStillSaidFourOfTwo · 06/04/2019 08:52

I'm with HopefulAgain. Really - I know you are in pain, and I am very sorry for your loss - you have no right even to think you have a right to know the contents of that letter.

I think you are focusing on this to postpone the grief, or perhaps hoping, subconsciously, that finding out why will make things make sense for you in a way that makes it bearable. The truth is that knowing why is unlikely to alleviate your pain, and may complicate it. Her reasons may not make sense to you, or you might torture yourself wondering if you might have done anything to stop her, for example. You won't gain closure from making her, through her husband, give a posthumous account of herself.

faeveren · 06/04/2019 08:53

I understand the need to know but I doubt it would answer your questions because you could find a rational solution to any of the reasons that she wrote. There is also the chance of blame in a letter which can never be refuted.

With suicide there is never an acceptable reason to the people left behind, I think this is exasperated by the fact that no one knew she felt so desperate and your friend did not seek help.

I do not think suicide is selfish I think a person must be in unbearable pain to end their life. However those who are close often feel a sense of rejection and uncertainty.

PutyourtoponTrevor · 06/04/2019 08:59

The letter might not necessarily bring closure, my dad's didn't

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 06/04/2019 09:10

My beautiful friend did the same.

The letter wouldn’t give you the answers you need, only give rise to more questions. Suicide is senseless and devastating.

Her dh won’t be able to deal with anyone else’s grief, his own will be so all-consuming.

And a letter that was meant for him, stays between them, just as it would in life.

I’m so sorry about your lovely friend.

Idonotlikeyoudonaldtrump · 06/04/2019 09:12

talkingjapaneseireallythinkso just fuck off. Then fuck off some more. And then again.

Don’t you dare call my friend or the OP’s friend selfish. Sometimes mental illness is terminal. And that’s that.

IJustHadToNameChange · 06/04/2019 09:14

I've seen suicide letters as part of a previous job.

They are rarely rational, often paranoid and nonsensical, have strange priorities (one asked for a dog to be looked after, but not the three kids) and will probably not answer any of your questions.

TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 09:15

Someone committing suicide isn't operating rationally. Her letter won't give you what you need. Stop fixating on the letter. Does the DH have support?

katseyes7 · 06/04/2019 09:16

talkingjapaneseireallythinkso My mother took her own life at the age of 83. l find your comment about it being "selfish" crass and grossly insensitive, and l don't think l'm the only one.
Reported.

Momzilla82 · 06/04/2019 09:16

I'm sure whilst the contents won't be made public, the gist of it (in terms of her state of mind) might be covered at the inquest I think. Sorry for your loss. I say this with kindness- life is short, please don't spend time seeking to rationalise the thoughts of your friend when she made that choice, anyone who makes that decision must be in a very dark place. Instead try to live your life as fully as possible.

Gatehouse77 · 06/04/2019 09:17

talkingjapaneseireallythinkso

There's nothing selfish about taking your own life when you have the compassion to understand the desperate place these people are in. More often than not they believe (whether it's true or not) that others would be better off without them - the opposite of a selfish act. It's getting to the crux of why they believe that that is more crucial.

It is difficult for those 'left behind' and I'm not denying that. But try and put yourself in the shoes of someone who feels so redundant in their own life they want to end it?

Not selfish. Misguided maybe?

TooOldForThisUrgh · 06/04/2019 09:35

OP, so sorry for your defeat sting loss. I experienced similar in that it just came like a bolt from the blue. We had no letter though. It’s s hard thing to get your head around but the truth is some people just can’t reach out for whatever reason they feel stops them from doing so. I don’t think you are BU because she was your beautiful friend and you want to know what drove her to such a desperate point. But her husband is clearly still, understandably coming to terms with things, and the best thing you can do is just be there for him and his kids if he needs support.

As for suicide being selfish. Such a repulsive and shameless attitude to have, and a good example of why people can’t reach out for help because they are shamed further into their own withdrawal.

Original poster
Theironingpilewontstop · 06/04/2019 09:39

I don’t believe she was being selfish. In order to believe you are better off dead than alive someone must be stuck in a living hell.

I didn’t attend the inquest. Her DH didn’t want anyone there. Is the report something that could be found publically?

OP posts:
talkingjapeneseireallythinkso · 06/04/2019 09:43

maybe selfish is the wrong word, people that commit suicide are not thinking straight and it can seen as something that is hard to understand to those who are left behind. i have bipolar and have been suicidal in the past, but once i came through it with help realised i was selfish to even think of leaving my young children behind although at the time i didn't care.

AwkwardSquad · 06/04/2019 09:48

talkingjapeneseireallythinkso

I would be banned if I said what I really want to say to you.

Depression is a serious illness. It can be terminal. It has fuck all to do with ‘selfishness’.

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