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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

(Possible trigger warning) To think he should share the contents of this letter

52 replies

Theironingpilewontstop · 06/04/2019 08:14

I’ve name changed as it’s quite specific and all a bit painful. I’m genuinely interested in if I ABU though.

Last year my beautiful friend got up one morning, took her children to school, went to Tesco and did the food shop for the week and then came home and hung herself.

It came as a complete shock to everyone. She’d never mentioned being depressed, anxious, sad or any other mental health problems. Had never seen the GP about anything like this. Had no problems in her marriage that she had ever mentioned to me or other friends. Everyone was left just reeling from it.

She left a letter for her husband. 3 pages long. I got to the house not long after it happened whilst the police were there and they told me about the letter.

Her husband has since completely shut down. He won’t discuss or talk about her at all. He has never said what is in the letter or any explanation which she gave for doing what she did.

I know I have no right to know what is in a personal letter to him. I do know that. But there is a part of me which wishes he could give us some idea of the contents to help me process what the hell happened to her.

Reading this back I probably am BU, but he isn’t the only person who is hurting and this could go someway to helping give some kind of explanation.

AIBU?

OP posts:

AwkwardSquad · 06/04/2019 09:49

Cross post, I understand you better now. Still not selfishness though - it’s the illness.

AwkwardSquad · 06/04/2019 09:51

And I’m speaking as someone who has battled with suicidal ideation to the point of having an active plan and means, and have been left with trauma because I didn’t get the support I needed. I still struggle.

Longtalljosie · 06/04/2019 09:55

@IdonotlikeyouDonaldTrump I came on to say just that. Some mental illness is terminal. Sadly as we’ve only just started talking openly about mental illness (comparatively speaking) these myths continue. Best wishes to you

kbPOW · 06/04/2019 10:01

I'm sorry about your friend. Suicide leaves a terrible wound. It sounds from your comment about the inquest combined with the letter situation as though there may be something that the husband wants to keep secret. Who knows whether he's protecting himself or others. It's a strange choice to say he didn't want people at the inquest. Sometimes an outcome is needed, even if it doesn't answer all the questions.

Lemonsquinky · 06/04/2019 10:02

Suicide is not selfish or weakness, it's the result of a serious illness. Depression and other mental illness can cause people to die. I get really cross that people think it's a choice, it isn't. People wouldn't say that a person who has died from a different illness, for example cancer, had chosen to do this or was weak. Why is it different for a mental illness?
I think the letter will be an expression of the illness that overwhelmed your friend, rather than the friend you knew. I'm sorry for your loss.💐

kbPOW · 06/04/2019 10:03

And yes - if you know the date of the inquest and the name of the coroner, you can apply to the national archives to view the records.

PillowTalker · 06/04/2019 10:08

YADBU

His life has probably completely collapsed around him and his poor kids.

While you've lost a dear friend it's incomparable to losing a wife and mother especially in such shocking and unexpected circumstances.

Its a letter to him and frankly none of your business.

HoraceCope · 06/04/2019 10:15

I am sorry for your loss but please don't look any further into it, the court will not publish the letter, be supportive, he may talk, in time, but leave it be

kbPOW · 06/04/2019 10:18

I wasn't suggesting you would be able to read the letter by accessing the coroner's records BTW.

HoraceCope · 06/04/2019 10:21

Tbh his feelings trump yours

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 06/04/2019 10:24

No, if course he shouldn’t. The very idea of it being any of your business

Boysey45 · 06/04/2019 10:24

You never ever know the total realities of someones life and relationship. For all you know she might have been getting abused by him every day. If it was something like this that pushed her over the edge and she told him, then hes not going to share the letter is he?
It could be a million reasons for her doing it in the letter. I think you are best off just moving on from him, the letter, all of it and just remember your friend in happier times. Get counselling if you need it.

m00rfarm · 06/04/2019 10:28

You actually do not know for sure there were no letters fo rthe children. It is entirely possible that no one has mentioned them in order that the children are not questioned.

TheGrey1houndSpeaks · 06/04/2019 10:33

How do you know there were no letters for the children? I hope to God you didn’t ask them?

AhhhHereItGoes · 06/04/2019 10:38

I'm so sorry for all your loses.

I don't think you're unreasonable to want to know nor unreasonable for her husband notvto want to share.

It's a situation that nobody can feel satisfied with.

Maybe in time he will share. He likely feels a lot of blame right now which will make him find it hard to open up.

Those poor kids and that poor woman, who foe whatever reason felt it was the right choice at the time.

Remember you loved her too so it's understandable why your hurting-- but the husband has his own grief and that of the children.

Stinkytoe · 06/04/2019 10:56

I’m so truly sorry that you lost your lovely friend OP. I do think it’s unreasonable to expect anything from her husband though, I think the grief for him and his children would be incomparable to anyone else’s,

I don’t think it’d be unfair to assume she was depressed, people can be very clever at hiding it. The letter may not shed any light on anything or may be deeply personal. I don’t think it should be shared x

IVflytrap · 06/04/2019 11:03

I'm sorry for you loss.

I don't think you can expect to see the letter, and that even if you were somehow to read it, I suspect it wouldn't provide the kind of answers or resolution you are hoping for.

People always look for concrete reasons when someone takes their life, but the thing about mental illness is it is an illness, and for the person with the illness, there isn't a logical reason why their body has gone wrong. Mental illness skews perception: any reasons given by your friend may not make sense, and may even result in more questions on your side. From her actions alone you do know that she was not very well, and that she managed to keep her mental pain extremely well-hidden, as many people sadly do.

I know it is a Mumsnet cliche, but it really would be worth talking through your feelings with a therapist, as this must have been extremely traumatic for you.

Lovemusic33 · 06/04/2019 11:05

Sorry for your loss OP. My ex husbands mum took her life in the same way, she left a note but only her husband knew what it said, he shut down and everything linked to her was removed from their lives, her children were not allowed to attend the funeral and they have hardly any photos of her . I can imagine he’s feeling a roller coaster of emotions, guilt, anger and sadness, he probably blames his self and is questioning events previous to her taking her life.

Someone who is suicidal isn’t thinking rationally, they believe the world will be a better place without them.

I hope the family get the help they need to help deal with this tragady.

DailyMailSucksWails · 06/04/2019 11:10

I understand you wanting answers, OP.

81Byerley · 06/04/2019 11:16

I'm so sorry. The thing is that even if you were to see the letter, it would probably only throw up more questions, and may make you feel worse. Why didn't she tell me he was seeing someone else/ she was in debt/ she thought they might lose their house/ she was scared she had cancer/she was depressed/ she thought the kids would be better off without her. It's such a sad situation, and you need time to go through all the stages of grief, including acceptance. Part of that process is being able to go over the story , over and over again, and for that I would recommend that you phone the Samaritans. They are not only there for the suicidal.

Cheeserton · 06/04/2019 11:16

Doubling down on the bullshit 'selfish' notion I see, Japanese. The only selfishness in this equation is that on display from you now, spouting your bullshit and offending people left right and centre. Even if you think you were behaving selfishly, you've no bloody idea what goes on with other people, how desperate and painful their situation could be. Just keep quiet already, for goodness' sake.

TowelNumber42 · 06/04/2019 11:25

Are you concerned about hidden domestic abuse? Or it not being suicide? Is that why you are going Miss Marple?

LHMB · 06/04/2019 11:27

Very well said

Icantthinkofasinglenamehelp · 06/04/2019 11:32

I see your point and maybe in time he will, if he feels it's appropriate to do so. But that letter was for him. If it was meant to be shared maybe it would have been an open letter. Maybe the contents were private and not supposed to be shared. I guess there's no way to know. But what a horrible situation.

Stormy76 · 06/04/2019 11:43

There was obviously something deeply personal in the letter. I think you just need to accept that she was deeply unhappy and couldn’t see a way to go on. There are people who function in daily life normally but are battling demons privately. Is very sad that she felt that way but you need to just support the family and learn to accept that you didn’t know everything about her.

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