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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To take my daughters phone off her at bedtime

52 replies

wrcm · 06/04/2019 01:01

My daughter throws a hissy fit because i take her phone off her at bedtime. She's 12 and goes to bed about 10 during the week for school and i usually take her phone off her about 30 mins to an hour before that so she can have downtime. She moans all the time at me that her friends are allowed to stay up later and have their phones all night. At the weekend i let her stay up til about midnight but again i take her phone off her and she takes a major strop and sometimes cries. Does anyone else experience this?

OP posts:
user1473878824 · 06/04/2019 01:37

I don’t have experience of this yet (hard hat on) but imagine most parents of preteens do and it’s the same experience. It’s not going to scar her for life. Don’t worry about it. Ease it off as she gets older, done. She’s a child and you’re her parent. Your job is to do things she doesn’t like that keep her safe/healthy ¯\(ツ)/¯

whiteroseredrose · 06/04/2019 07:27

It depends on your child. I didn't with either of my DC and it was / is fine. DD needs her sleep so turns it off herself when she goes to sleep. Both DC use their phones as alarms too, as do I.

They didn't have set bedtimes once they went to secondary school either. I didn't want to over baby them. But both were always sensible and mature so I didn't need to.

However MN wisdom will tell you a different story. Most seem to take phones away and have set bedtimes.

keenwasalad · 06/04/2019 07:29

15yo DS has his phone taken off him every night still so imo YANBU

Pianobook · 06/04/2019 07:30

I take all technology out of the bedroom by 9pm (dd same age.) She is fine with that as she is tired by then on a school night and needs her sleep and she would not regulate herself if I didn’t do it.

00100001 · 06/04/2019 07:32

YANBU
she will be up to the wee hours each night.

My DS15 puts his in charge in the kitchen around 10pm, gets it back when leaving house for school, or after breakfast at weekends

ritzbiscuits · 06/04/2019 07:33

Again I don't have a teenager myself, but a close friend has three girls between 10-14 and they all have their phones taken off then at night.

She's told me about other parents kids being on chat/social media through the night, a couple have developed anxiety and sleep conditions as a result.

These devices are like crack for teenagers, and my personal view is young teenagers need help putting sensible parameters in place. The same goes for many adults too!

Ragwort · 06/04/2019 07:34

Please do it, I didn’t and bitterly regret it as my DS spent so much time on his phone at night, to the detriment of his studying.

O4FS · 06/04/2019 07:35

I stopped when the DCs get to about 14/15. Gadgets needed to be charged downstairs.

They need a break from them too.

ForalltheSaints · 06/04/2019 07:36

YANBU. Why do children always use the claim that their friends are allowed to do something they want? Usually about as true as a politician’s statement.

KnitterOfSocks · 06/04/2019 07:37

God, why wouldn't you? My 11yo has to be upstairs by 8.30, no phone after 8pm and then she can read or draw or whatever until 9.30. I would say 95% of her friends have their phones removed overnight. They need uninterrupted sleep.

pilates · 06/04/2019 07:38

I do the same and don’t believe her when she says none of my friends parents do this because a lot do! I ease off at weekends and school holidays and notice a difference in attitude. Some children can self regulate others can’t.

Bythebeach · 06/04/2019 07:38

13 year old (nearly 14) has his phone and iPad taken every evening at 9.30. I plan to continue at least until he’s post GCSEs!!

MrsCollinssettled · 06/04/2019 07:38

Phone has to be downstairs at bedtime. Reinforced by having seen messages from other kids at 4am even on school nights.

justilou1 · 06/04/2019 07:39

Why is this even a question? It’s one of the rules for living in my house. You live here... I pay for the phone... You hand it over. (Much earlier than bedtime, too!)

LL83 · 06/04/2019 07:39

Yanbu. A phone is a distraction when you should be resting and at worst when your child has fall outs with friends she needs the break from communicating with them.

You are doing the right thing. If she doesn't give it without a tantrum add 10 mins to the time she gets it back in the morning.

Hiddenaspie1973 · 06/04/2019 07:39

Yanbu. Dd is 12 and knows that the phone is left downstairs charging overnight.
She's got a loud alarm clock so it's fine.

Jackshouse · 06/04/2019 07:40

Ex secondary teacher. You are definitely doing the right thing. I would consider saying if she complains at phone hand over time then she is being immature and looses the privilege of having it the next day.

AuntMarch · 06/04/2019 07:41

I often find myself quietly siding with the teenagers on threads on here but I don't think you are being unreasonable. Phone use can massively disturb sleep patterns and I have to remind myself of that sometimes.

Too many of us have unhealthy relationships with devices! Even this morning I've just "lost" an hour to mine!

Sycamoretrees · 06/04/2019 07:42

Not only do they need sleep, but it's much harder to monitor what they are doing on their phones overnight. Cyber bullying, grooming, porn, video chatting etc are all major considerations. The arguing about giving you her phone had got to stop though, it's not acceptable behaviour. Acceptable phone use isn't something to compromise on.

fieldfaresareback · 06/04/2019 07:44

Definitely do it. In my experience ALL other kids have no boundaries and get everything whether that be access to WiFi / devices all night, money, bedtime, clothes, trainers etc etc - according to my kids. We as parents know that’s not the case and know what’s best, and have a responsibility to enforce appropriate boundaries no matter how unpleasant the fallout.

m0therofdragons · 06/04/2019 07:45

Our house rule is no phones upstairs. Dd is 11 and I think she's less likely to make bad choices if she's on her phone downstairs than in her room. It's my rules or no phone. Dd1 is really sensible but dd2&3 will be a nightmare when they get phones (only 7 yo so not there yet). I'm setting rules for dd1 that I want in place for dd2&3. It's a no brainer for me.

Charles11 · 06/04/2019 07:45

I think you’re being a responsible parent.
My almost 14 yr old has to leave his phone downstairs at bedtime.

SunnySomer · 06/04/2019 07:57

She is right that some other people have theirs overnight: my DS’s phone pings all through the night (he’s also 12).
I know this because it stays downstairs when he goes to bed. He has friends from primary school whose parents think it’s ok to let their child miss a day of school because they’re tired after gaming all night (these are the ones that message everyone at 1 or 2 in the morning to see who is up) which to my mind is neglectful.
Ultimately you’re the parent and you need to set the boundaries

BoobiesToTheRescue · 06/04/2019 07:58

I opened this thread just knowing that she was 12.

I have a 12 year old son who I have the same battle with.

ooooohbetty · 06/04/2019 08:06

No of course YANBU.