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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be annoyed that MIl trapped me?!

102 replies

Shadesorsunnies · 05/04/2019 19:00

MIL “What do you think of tattoos?”
Me “I don’t like them but each to their own”
MIL “X (niece) has got one!”
Me “Oh! What is it?”
MIL “A star on her wrist”
Me “Oh well at least it wasn’t the name of a boy or something!”
MIL “She’s done that as well...”.
Me “Oh.”

Next day MIL tells me she’s told niece that I think tattoos are awful, especially boys’ names blah blah blah and niece and SIL (niece‘s mother) are furious at me. Confused

I shouldn’t have fallen for it. It’s MIL’s way of telling them SHE doesn’t like them but it was sneaky.Angry

OP posts:
cleanasawhistle · 06/04/2019 09:06

My SIL did something similar to me....only found out when a distant member of the family phned me to asked what I had been aying etc.

It was totally twisted shit stiring..I told the family member I didnt really care if they believed me or not.

I then phoned SIL nad told her to keep away from me,keep her gob shut or I would rip her head off.

Never bothered with any of them again,civil if I bump into them but thats my lot.

OP does MIL only shit stir re you or is she a trouble maker with everyone

TheLightSideOfTheMoon · 06/04/2019 09:10

You should post your MiL a wooden spoon.

Tell her it's for her to stir shit with.

If she's actually holding it she may get the message.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 06/04/2019 09:13

To be honest, if you won't set the record straight with sil or confront mil, then you are setting yourself up for a future of this and it's kind of your own fault. If you stopped being a wimp and accepted that sometimes confrontation is necessary, you could solve this problem in a heartbeat.

If it was me, I would have as little to do with mil in the future as I could. I wouldn't answer the phone to her or invite her over, or visit and I'd be very clear why. Let DH desk with her - she's his mother, not yours.

Shadesorsunnies · 06/04/2019 09:29

Gosh, thank you all.

I am really reluctant to speak to DIL or niece for a few reasons, mostly that SIL is close to her mother and probably wouldn’t believe me over her anyway; if you show your hand with MIL (show that I am bothered) it is ammunition for her in the future (SIL would tell her M anything I said); plus I don’t think that it is my job to tell MIL how to be a decent human being.

As far as I know this may be one of many occasions where MIL has gleaned information and then passed it on with glee. The difference is that she told me this time what she had done. Maybe she didn’t get enough satisfaction by just being spiteful, she had to ramp it up and let me know she had been spiteful to see what I would do!

I have learned my lesson and will react to her accordingly. It won’t be uncomfortable for me to watch what I am saying if I hardly speak to her. I don’t want to be around someone like that anyway.

People in the family don’t speak to MIL much, including DH! I think they have learned before me. It’s all one word answers and innocuous subjects. I hadn’t realised it but DH never gives his opinion on anything to her. I think the family grey rock her. I’ll start doing that also. I don’t think DH even realises her tactics, he probably just learned through trial and error as a child that it was a bad idea to say things to MIL because she was a gossip and nothing was ever confidential. I’ll be like that too now.

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/04/2019 09:30

I cannot stand people who want to make their own little real-life soap opera by inventing or embellishing story lines involving real people. Just why are they so invested in your own life and totally unable to process mundane facts and opinions without twisting them and stirring up disharmony?

They often act arrogantly as though they are the gatekeeper for your life and everything you do must be known by them and subject to their personal approval or otherwise. The ridiculous stuff they'll seize on, remember and try to make you explain/justify to them, such as "My friend said she saw you coming out of Morrisons today" as if you'd been caught kicking puppies. Horribly controlling.

The only way to deal with somebody like this, if you don't go completely NC that is, is indeed the grey rock method, as several PPs have said.

Actually, on reflection, I'd probably go for the pre-calling out tactic instead:
"What do you think of tattoos?"
"Why does it matter? Why do you ask?"
"I was just interested in your opinion."
"Well, I'm not going to discuss it as we all know what you'll do with anything I tell you - pounce on every word, twist them, use it against me and stir up trouble with other people - making me look like the bad guy so that you can make yourself feel better about yourself."
"How can you say that? That's really hurtful."
"It is indeed hurtful - I've no idea why you keep on doing it."

Ideally, get her other targets on board too and get them to do the same with her. She'll soon feel terribly frustrated and bored when nobody will give her any material to work with apart from agreeing that 'yes, it is a bit chilly out today'. Hopefully, it will force her to confront her ways and to realise what she's lost through her own behaviour, demonstrating that she absolutely cannot be trusted. Think of it like the equivalent of an ASBO ankle tag, if you will.

Shadesorsunnies · 06/04/2019 09:40

*that should say SIL or neice!

OP posts:
flameycakes · 06/04/2019 09:43

Buy her a big wooden spoon with a bow on x

Hazlenutpie · 06/04/2019 09:44

To be honest, if you won't set the record straight with sil or confront mil, then you are setting yourself up for a future of this and it's kind of your own fault. If you stopped being a wimp and accepted that sometimes confrontation is necessary, you could solve this problem in a heartbeat.

I completely disagree with you and calling the OP names is out of order. She will never change her MIL. What she should do is keep away from emotive subjects, forget this and move on.

As others have said, everyone will know MIL is a horrible gossip.

Shadesorsunnies · 06/04/2019 10:04

Hazlenutpie Thank you.

Iwannaseehowitends People are different and I realise those that react aggressively to aggression think those that don’t are wimps but I don’t believe they are. They are just people who don’t like aggression!

I am not setting myself up for a future of this because I am walking away. Same outcome, no aggression.

OP posts:
MorningRichie · 06/04/2019 10:12

So he grey rocks her and you're going to? Just block her number and go NC - sounds like you're almost there anyway.

QueenEhlana · 06/04/2019 10:16

You're going to have to be a bit more clever when dealing with your MIL.

MIL “What do you think of tattoos?”
You "Why are you asking?"
MIL "I just want to know what you think?"
You "Why? Has someone we know got a tattoo?"
MIL "I just want to know what YOU think?"
You "I don't know. What do YOU think of them?"

Etc, etc. Pin her down. Don't offer your opinion. Evade the question. Turn it back on her. Rinse and repeat.

FlirtyRomanticToast · 06/04/2019 11:04

If SIL and DN are angry, and they may not be, I'd wager it has less to do with someone's opinion of tattoos and more to do with being the subject of gossip. Not that you were engaging in malicious gossip OP but clearly that's how it's being presented to SIL and DN.

Shadesorsunnies · 06/04/2019 12:54

FlirtyRomanticToast

Yes. MIL wants us all to think that we’re all judging each other. As she does. In fact she’s trying to promote judging!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 06/04/2019 13:08

If she asked my opinion in the future... I'd say, from past experience you've found voicing your opinion has been used to cause trouble, so you'd rather not say anything.

nauticant · 06/04/2019 13:19

OP, your response at 09:29:58 is spot on. Don't waste your time trying to set the record straight, keep your distance, go neutral on any interactions with MIL, not more opinions from now on.

As ever you're getting lots of advice to have a big bust up so the thread will be filled with drama. Looks like you're sensible enough to ignore that.

Fluffyears · 06/04/2019 13:28

Mil tried this once and got called out. She had asked for a council tax refuction due to being a widow on a pension. It was all we heard about and she had put in an appeal. DH was out of the room when she turned to me and asked ‘do you think i’ll get my council tax reduced?’ I had no idea and said ‘oh I don’t know, they might say you have the single person reduction already but let’s wait and see’. DH came back on andshr said ‘fluffy says I won’t get a council tax reduction!’ DH looked at me acid to say ‘why the fuck would you say that?’ As he asked me not to mention it as she was stressing and going on about it constantly. I stood my ground and said ‘now we both know that’s an utter lie don’t we? I actually said I have no idea and they may say the single reduction is all that’s allowed but we need to wait and hear.’ I washed my hands there is giving help,advice or an opinion. I just say ‘I don’t know now’

Shadesorsunnies · 06/04/2019 13:34

Fluffyears DId she get the reduction?!

OP posts:
Longdistance · 06/04/2019 13:36

Your mil is a shit stirrer and is not to be trusted.

Fluffyears · 06/04/2019 13:50

@Shadesorsunnies no she didn’t as they said single persons discount was all she was entitled to. She had issues with her payments too as she couldn’t see how her bill was balancing. I stay well out of it and have distanced myself as I didn’t like that wee sly move to put a gap between me and my husband.

Shadesorsunnies · 06/04/2019 13:53

Fluffyears Yes, “divide and conquer” as someone said above. The messenger always gets shot with these types, you are right to stay away.

OP posts:
Provincialbelle · 06/04/2019 14:25

Say the following to all of them:

Opinions are like ar£3holes: everyone’s got one and they’re all full of sh1t.

Secondly: if you haven’t got anything nice to say, don’t say anything.

Thirdly: I don’t care. About you, the tattoo, what you had for breakfast or your preferred colour of underwear. None of this is of the slightest relevance to me, just as my views on tattoos, music or anything under the sun are any concern of yours. If you choose to be offended, it’s your problem not mine.

Fourthly: have a nice day.

Or just stick to the first

purplepears · 06/04/2019 15:39

Did SIL and DN expect everyone in their world to like the tattoo? If it annoys them that someone doesn't like it then they are bonkers. We all have opinions.
Is it the tone or the words from your MIL that has annoyed them?
As you say, lesson learned. Great rock MIL in future. She won't know what to do.

Shadesorsunnies · 06/04/2019 15:51

purplepears If it’s true they are angry, then it’s probably because I’ve judged them, which I wasn’t, I was judging tattoos. If they had asked me I would have said pretty much the same thing, that I don’t like them but each to their own. I am assuming MIL missed off the “each to their own”’part or why would they be angry?

I think that MIL wanted to express her displeasure but blame someone else. I was the fallguy.

OP posts:
Knittedfairies · 06/04/2019 15:53

You don't actually know for sure that your SIL and DN are 'furious' anyway - could just be another stirring by your MIL. As others upthread have said, have no opinion on anything in future; see all but say nowt.

Butterymuffin · 06/04/2019 16:12

Since she wants you to make negative statements in these scenarios, every time she asks your opinion of something reply with 'I think they're LOVELY'. Snowstorms, insurance fraud, whatever. When she can't get the reaction she wants, she'll give up.