AIBU to be annoyed that MIl trapped me?!

[Shadesorsunnies]

MIL “What do you think of tattoos?”
Me “I don’t like them but each to their own”
MIL “X (niece) has got one!”
Me “Oh! What is it?”
MIL “A star on her wrist”
Me “Oh well at least it wasn’t the name of a boy or something!”
MIL “She’s done that as well...”.
Me “Oh.”

Next day MIL tells me she’s told niece that I think tattoos are awful, especially boys’ names blah blah blah and niece and SIL (niece‘s mother) are furious at me.

I shouldn’t have fallen for it. It’s MIL’s way of telling them SHE doesn’t like them but it was sneaky.

How do you know they’re furious? Maybe that’s further bull to wind you up.

I would be tempted to go direct to SIL and saw sorry there’s a misunderstanding, the next time you see her. Yes you’re not a fan of tattoos but it only came up when MIL asked me generally.

Cut MIL out as the middle man. Then she can’t stir. My mum does this so I tell her nothing and ignore any baiting.

I would confront MIL about this - I can’t see what you have to lose by doing it.

Ideally, by text. Much less chance of her twisting things around, and you get time to contemplate your replies etc.

“Why did you think it was a good idea to share my opinion of tattoos with DSIL and DN? What did you hope to achieve?”

You say you aren’t the type to confront people - that’s what she is banking on.

I'll think you'll be ready for her in the future now that you recognise what she's up to! In the meantime, I would have a conversation with DN or SIL and explain what happened and how your words have been twisted. You could admit that you think DN might regret the bf name but you did not react the way MIL said.

I’m not really the type to confront people.

Aaaaand this is the crux behind so many posts on mn. This is why dicks act like dicks.

Fwiw I think tattoos are naff so I'd answer that too if someone asked me. Putting a boy's name in it is naive at best. If someone asks your opinion, either give it and own it or keep it to yourself. Your MIL is twisted though.

My sister is exactly the same. I had enough of all the shit stirring and got pretty fed up of the fact that even though everyone knew what she was like, they still took the bait! So one day I just started to avoid talking to her, and I haven't actually spoken to her in years. I have absolutely no problems now! My mum occasionally passes on comments from her like, "x said that your area is really bad for crime, there are gangs there. Also the traffic near you is terrible" etc (I actually live in a very nice area and have never seen any gangs?!) and I just smile and say thank you and talk about something else!

paddington I completely LOVE that. Now in my lexicon!

Yep. I have a mil like this.

I had a colleague used to do this, only I know what she’s like as went to school with her as well. I think it’s a nasty personality trait to have. She was very devious and would say I think this about so and so what do you think? My answer was always I have no opinion why don’t you try and stick someone else up instead

@Shadesorsunnies how about in future you reply with 'unless its on my body then it really doesn't bother me what other chose do with their own.'

Since you know, thats the mature way to comment on what someone else wants or likes.

I have also experienced this but in reverse ie relative said this about you, then they wonder why their kids aren’t close.

At least by hardly seeing them now it gives them something else to moan about to extended family.

It’s nasty behaviour but going grey rock helps loads.

Exactly iggy , if you don’t talk to the sil/niece how do you know they are furious? Because the stirring mil told you which means they probably aren’t and probably wouldn’t even care

I’ll just have to let them be mad at me and learn a lesson.

How about teaching your MIL a lesson? There is no way I wouldn’t confront her about this.

Well the name of a boyfriend tattooed on you, especially as the niece sounds like she's young so relationship is unlikely to last the test of time, is pretty stupid.

What do you think?

I don’t really have a view.

If you want to make sure this doesn't happen again then you really need to talk to your MIL about it. If you aren't prepared to do that then this kind of thing will either recur or you will be in the uncomfortable position of watching everything you say in conversations with her.

You don't have to fall out about it. You just need to tell her "I'm upset with you because......". Just state the facts calmly and say how this has made you feel.

Offloading on here and finding you ANBU isn't good enough. Yes, it's great to know you have support but you need to use that to change how MIL interacts with you in the future.

Text/message your SIL.

Hi SIL,

Just been told by MIL that apparently you and niece are both furious with me for saying I don't like niece's new tattoos. Just want you to know how this panned out:

MIL “What do you think of tattoos?”
Me “I don’t like them but each to their own”
MIL “X (niece) has got one!”
Me “Oh! What is it?”
MIL “A star on her wrist”
Me “Oh well at least it wasn’t the name of a boy or something!”
MIL “She’s done that as well...”.
Me “Oh.”

Next day MIL tells me she’s told niece that I think tattoos are awful, especially boys’ names and now you are both furious with me.

To be clear, I really don't give a stuff what niece wants to do to herself, her body her choice. I am VERY irritated that you have been led to believe that I disapprove.

Take care, Shades.

Then copy your MIL in on the message.

Simple solution is to stop talking to MIL on phone, and tell her why.

I'd either just ignore her from now on bar the very basics like comments about the weather or call her out on why she felt the need to cause trouble?
I tell you why she did it, either she has no life or is very jealous of you or both.

you need to use that to change how MIL interacts with you in the future

I disagree. Changing behaviour is one of the most difficult things to achieve, especially in someone else. You have no control over your MIL. On the other hand, it’s easier to change your own behaviour as you do have control. Just stay neutral. My response with anyone who attempts to extract a view from me, on an emotive topic is to just say calmly that I don’t have a view.

I wouldn’t do anything else OP. When you’re in a hole the best advice is to stop digging.

YANBU. I would straight up tell dniece I never said that, and I think mil is using me to voice her disapproval.

Make like a mirror and reflect questions back at her:

'Mm, what are your thoughts MIL?'

'Tatoos, hmm, what do you think MIL?'

'Oh, well, but I'm sure you have an opinion you'd like to share?'

Or like a not very bouncy wall they just slide down:

'Tattoos, well each to their own, don't you think?'

100 shit stirrer MIL, the answer to “I have told them and they are furious” should have been “oh, didn’t you think it was very mean of you to tell them that when YOU know the tattoo is there to stay? I would have thought more about their feelings before opening my mouth”

I think that everyone knows that MIL is a shit-stirrer.

Now you know, avoid her. Go grey rock. No opinions whatsoever.

Only way to deal with drama seekers like this.

I wouldn't contact the SIL / neice about it - that would make it look as though you do care and do feel 'caught out'.

They know what she's like.

I'd actually send your SIL the script of your conversation as you put it here.

Then say you're sorry they're unhappy that you feel this way about tattoos, but not in a million years would have you have ever said that to niece if you'd known she'd gone and done this. This is MIL being vile and shit-stirring, and you're incredibly sorry she's set you all up like this. Suggest you would like to get together to talk about how to deal with her vileness and stand united against her.