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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Another hen party... drop-out problem

24 replies

seesawteddy · 04/04/2019 23:24

I’m one of 3 bridesmaids, 8 party-goers in total. We said in December it would cost £250 for a weekend away, we checked before booking that everyone was OK with it, nobody dropped out.

Now one of the girls says she can’t pay. Her partner has been made redundant and she is in debt to her parents for just covering bills and running her car. But, she already been paid for, on one of the other bridesmaid’s credit cards. It’s non-refundable. We can’t raise the price for everyone else after saying £250 was the upper limit. I’m the only bridesmaid that knows her and I feel like I am going to have to pay for her in the end. I have been saving for a holiday for me and my son and if I have to pay for her we can’t go, or at least we can’t go for as long. I worry that this whole situation is going to either ruin my friendship with this friend, or sour the hen party if others have to pay more for her. None of it is my fault but I am probably going to have to cancel my holiday to pay her debt to keep the peace
What can i do?

OP posts:

MadameAnchou · 04/04/2019 23:25

Nope, not seeing why you have to pay for her to keep the peace. Just say you can't.

Singlenotsingle · 04/04/2019 23:29

Why on Earth should you pay for her!? I don't understand that at all. You're the only person that knows her? Doesn't the bride know her?

Ginger1982 · 04/04/2019 23:29

Up to the bridesmaid who paid for it to agree some sort of repayment plan with her.

Burlea · 04/04/2019 23:30

It's not your fault, don't pay for her.

Original poster

seesawteddy · 04/04/2019 23:30

But if we charge everyone else to cover her, I know they will be very pissed off. It could ruin the hen because other people might then drop out because it’s more expensive then we said it would be?

OP posts:

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 04/04/2019 23:30

That's a horrible situation for everyone.

It's not her fault that her partner now doesn't have an income, and I do understand why that changes things.

I think I would at least TRY to get a refund. You never know (sometimes if you ask you do get). Or is there anyone else the bride might want to invite who could come along in her place?

Otherwise, I would go back to the other hens and see if there's anything you can do together as a group.

I don't think you should have to cover the entire amount for your friend as it will impact on your holiday with your DS.

SparklyLeprechaun · 04/04/2019 23:30

No, you don't have to pay. Depending on how soon it is, either invite someone else or split the cost.

Original poster

seesawteddy · 04/04/2019 23:32

Yes the bride knows her but she doesn’t know about this situation.

OP posts:

Original poster

seesawteddy · 04/04/2019 23:33

Inviting somebody else is a good idea, thanks. It’s in June so there is still time to find somebody hopefully!

OP posts:

Flockingflamingo · 04/04/2019 23:35

And dont book anything else for this without getting money upfront!

Italia2005 · 04/04/2019 23:40

Put it to the bride and the other 5 hens and make a decision openly and democratically to avoid any confusion or comeback.
It is not your responsibility to pay for this person who now cannot afford to attend - and it’s not your responsibility to decide what to do when it’s everyone else’s weekend away which they’re indidually paying for so it is up to the 7 of you to agree how to resolve this - the bride may even have somebody else she’d like you to invite to make up the group of 8.
Just share the burden, it’s unfortunate but understandable that the person has to drop out, and you needn’t bear the costs or the worry about the shortfall and other implications affecting the other 6 people. Surely they wouldn’t even let you pay for somebody else? Nobody would think that is reasonable or expect you to, any more than expecting the bride to cover the additional costs.

Sparklesocks · 05/04/2019 00:09

I organised a hen and we had a drop out after agreeing the costs, we spoke to the bride and she gave us the name of someone else she wanted to invite but the numbers were too high - we invited her and she was keen to join so made up the extra cost. Worth a try!

JustTwoMoreSecs · 05/04/2019 00:13

I don’t have to pay for her!
Split the cost, find a replacement, but don’t feel like you are responsible, why would you??

itswinetime · 05/04/2019 00:23

it's a shitty situation yes but it's not a situation of your making! You are not obligated to pay for her.

options

Payment plan agreed between bridesmaid and drop out but in the circumstances it's unlikely drop out will be able to pay.
are you paying for the bride between you all? Can you put it to the bride that due to drop out this won't be possible anymore. Unlikely to go down well and probably not entirely fair to expect the bride to find £250 short notice but an option if the bride is going for free
the bridesmaids suck it up between you but that's still £83 each which is a lot when none of you are in the wrong.

4). Personally I think the likely option but yes it is likely to cause some issues with the group it is split between the 7 people going
£35 extra each yes it's a pain yes they will moan but it's shot circumstances there isn't a good option here.

5 full the spot if you can obviously the best as no one pays more but good luck finding a last min add in.

Summary don't pay it all spread the cost just because you know her it isn't your fault she can't go!

Before I'm flamed I know it's not her fault either! But the op shouldn't be the only one to cover.

AntiHop · 05/04/2019 00:26

This is why expensive hen parties are a bad idea. I did karaoke for mine.

TheNanny23 · 05/04/2019 00:31

It sounds bad but she needs to go to her parents and explain the situation she is in and see if she can raise the money. It’s not helpful but the money should have been paid to the person who put it on their credit card within 24 hours, and not allowed to roll on. This really isn’t fair on her. If not then she needs to at least attempt a ‘cancellation’ fee of £50-100 or something so then if the rest is shared it isn’t too bad per person. I’m guessing if it’s abroad you can’t replace her as you’d have to pay over the odds for a name change.

Acis · 05/04/2019 00:34

I hope she's not still planning to go on the hen weekend?

Wingedharpy · 05/04/2019 00:38

Is the £250 cost, all inclusive or are there things like transport costs, drinks, food etc to be added to this?
If there are other added costs, she won't want anyone to pay for her to go as she's said, she can't afford it.
It really isn't just your problem OP.
It requires a group discussion, involving the bride to be, and finding a way forward that works for everyone.
Getting a list of potential substitutes is the way forward here.
Just don't ask them all at once otherwise you'll be back with a different problem.

GuineaPiglet345 · 05/04/2019 07:29

This is why you always get the money up front, there’s always one drop out!

I think the drop out should be asked to still pay as she agreed to it and it’s now been booked, if she handed over money before the bridesmaid put it on her credit card then she wouldn’t be able to ask for it back. If she really can’t borrow the money then the bride should pay and absorb it as a wedding cost.

No way should you pay for her, it’s not your fault.

TheWernethWife · 05/04/2019 08:40

It won't just be about the hen night, what about outfit for the wedding. Obviously she won't be able to afford to pay for that as well. Ask the bride if she can come up with a replacement but DO NOT pay this money yourself.

whitesoxx · 05/04/2019 08:41

The drop out needs to pay. It's another debt she's got herself so she needs to sort it. Just because you know her it's not your problem. She's not your child and you didn't lend her any money.

Tell her she has to pay up. Please tell me she's not using you as a go-between with her and the person who paid?

BlueMerchant · 05/04/2019 08:47

If you can't find someone else to take her place then she will have to pay. She will have to somehow budget for this or in worst case at least explain to her parents and borrow the money.

regmover · 05/04/2019 09:19

Based on so many of these threads... if organising a group event get the money in full from everyone before booking and paying. Every time.
In this case there is only one person responsible for paying and that is the drop-out. And personally if I was the person who had paid for her I'd make her life merry hell until she did.

YesimstillwatchingNetflix · 05/04/2019 10:55

I don't see why you should pay.

She made a commitment to the other bridesmaid. She owes money to her. It's on her to work it out.

Drop-out party goer should speak to the bridesmaid about how she will pay her back (instalment plan etc), or she should contact her friend the bride and see if the bride has another friend to take the spot.

I don't think you need to be involved at all. Your drop-our friend should be working her bum off to try and make this right. If she has dropped this in your lap, then she's not a great person and I can see why it's straining your friendship.

In general it's just a bad idea to a)have an expensive hens and b) make an expensive booking without collecting the money first!

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