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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not to give her a lift?

112 replies

thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 04/04/2019 21:40

Or am I being an unhelpful bitch?

We're talking about two teenagers here, both still living at home with parents

DS's girlfriend lives rurally with no public transport, and when they go out she usually takes her car to avoid walking home along a dark deserted country lane. DS doesn't drive.

Tonight they've gone into town and GF has left her car as she wants to have a drink. DS has asked me if I would meet them off the bus when they return, and drive GF home. I asked why her parents can't collect her, but apparently they need to sleep early because they are working tomorrow (so am I!). It would take them barely 10 minutes to do, whereas it will take me about 25.

They will be arriving back around midnight, and although I'm usually awake at this time, I don't especially want to be going out at that time of night to take her home so her parents can get their beauty sleep. But I don't have any excuse not to, I just don't want to and don't feel it's my responsibilty.

Would IBU to suggest she just gets a taxi? I know she has no money and my son would end up paying. What would you do?

OP posts:
Atalune · 04/04/2019 22:51

The dad did what???!!

No way. No bloody way. What a horrible snobby lot they are. You’re son can do so so much better.

MsSquiz · 04/04/2019 22:51

She has the option to stay at your house, she chooses not to accept so she needs to sort her own transport arrangements out to ensure she gets home.

She can stay at yours
She can pay for a taxi
She can ask your DS to pay half of her taxi
She can not drink on a night out and drive home

Those are her 4 options to end her evening.

She's old enough to drive, she's old enough to sort herself out!

I would not be giving her a lift home

KiwiUpATree · 04/04/2019 22:51

I’m sure just this once wouldn’t be the end of the world, just make it clear it’s a one-off

GabsAlot · 04/04/2019 22:54

definitely not she has options her parents couldnt give a toss but shes not a child

EKGEMS · 04/04/2019 22:55

Tell her to call a damn Uber

BaronessBomburst · 04/04/2019 22:55

She's 19. I would not be ferrying her around. Confused

Original poster
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 04/04/2019 22:55

as you're going to pick him up anyway

I'm not! He has an easy walk home from the bus-stop. Even easier than driving from the bus-stop, thanks to a complex and unnecessary one-way system, but that's another story.

I've decided that I will do it, but will make it clear that it's definitely a one-off and they will have to do a bit of forward thinking about how to handle future late nights when GF doesn't have her car.

Thanks for all your advice. Good to get impartial suggestions as DS's dad said I should just tell her to F**k off (not helpful).

OP posts:
PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 04/04/2019 22:56

As a one off, I would do it because she drives your DS around so much. Even if he pays for the petrol, he presumably is far better off than getting taxis.

But if she has expected this on several occasions already, I’d say no.

Travis1 · 04/04/2019 22:57

No I wouldn’t. Big enough to go drinking. Big enough to get themselves home.

hungryfortheinvisible · 04/04/2019 22:58

@Yabbers I don't necessarily think they're any worse than the OP, just that they may believe that there's a plan in place to get their daughter home safely. I think you said in the previous message that they don't seem to care about how she gets home, but that may not be the case, they may just be working on the basis that the OPs son said giving her a lift home was fine.

But, equally, I don't think the OP is doing anything wrong by questioning not giving her a lift home. It is ultimately not her responsibility. But faced with leaving a young female alone on the street, I would let her get in and give her a lift home for her own safety. Then address it properly with her son tomorrow to make him realise his expectation isn't reasonable.

TomorrowsDiet · 04/04/2019 23:01

I wouldn’t have gone to collect her. In an emergency, yes, but not for a random night out. Be careful not to set a precedent!

hungryfortheinvisible · 04/04/2019 23:02

Ah, x post with the OP. I didn't realise that you were expected to go out with the sole intention of collecting her and taking her home. I thought you were going to collect him regardless. That is completely unreasonable to ask of you.

MrsJasonIsbell · 04/04/2019 23:07

I would do it! But I'm helpful (soft) and I never get to sleep before 1ish anyway. I like doing things for my kids and their friends.

RebeccaWrongDaily · 04/04/2019 23:08

it's midnight, not 3 am. I'd do it. They are only young once, you've said you'll likely be awake. Why wouldn't you?

NotStayingIn · 04/04/2019 23:08

Isn’t this your sons problem? He could offer her his bed and sleep on the floor/sofa or work out alternative arrangements with her. It’s his relationship, not yours. I think I would drive on very rare occasion when really necessary but not in this instance.

adultcat · 04/04/2019 23:15

Can your son not walk her home and stay at hers?

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 04/04/2019 23:21

I was wondering that adultcat

If it was me, I would do it, because she's your DS's current choice of partner and I think it's nice to get on with them. One day he'll bring one home and he'll be intending to spend the rest of his life with her. You want to make sure you get on with that one! or there'll be MIL threads about you in the future

Original poster
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 04/04/2019 23:21

But if she has expected this on several occasions already, I’d say no.

This request is a first, but there have been a few others, such as collecting them from an overnight houseparty as GF was working in the afternoon and had missed her bus back. And collecting them from the middle of nowhere at night because her car wouldn't start and her DF wouldn't go to help her, but told her to join the AA then they would come out. So together with the airport pick-ups I think I have done quite well in helping her out with lifts!

I suspect it's now become expected that I will always come to the rescue, so that's a conversation to have with DS tomorrow. Thanks again, all. Flowers

OP posts:
Maryann1975 · 04/04/2019 23:28

TBF I doubt I could sleep in a single bed with another fully grown adult, so that's not really "not being good enough for her" is it?
I couldn’t sleep in a single bed with another adult now, but I’m pretty sure as an older teenager/early 20 something I did quite a lot of times! Lack of options meant it didn’t bother us then but I much prefer a more comfortable life now.

I am shocked to read your update about her dad refusing to bring your ds home though, how rude!

I think you should say no to the lift, but she is more than welcome to stay at yours and get over her aversion to your home and you will drive her into town to collect her car on your way to work in the morning (if that works for you).

Original poster
thefairyfellersmasterstroke · 04/04/2019 23:29

Can your son not walk her home and stay at hers?

Her parents have odd rules about when he's allowed to be there - not quite worked them out yet (neither has he) - so probably not an option on this occasion.

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 04/04/2019 23:29

Well her Dad sounds delightful!

LittleChristmasMouse · 04/04/2019 23:38

Oh I'm clearly too soft. It's always us doing the lifts. I can never see one of the friends travel home alone.

To be fair now other parents have started taking a turn but I would rather us do all the driving than one of their friends be in danger.

BackforGood · 04/04/2019 23:46

She's 19. I would not be ferrying her around.

I'm in my mid 50s. I very much appreciate it when either dh, or one of my dc has kindly offered to come and pick me up from somewhere, so I can have a drink on the odd occasion. It's just called being nice to people.

He parents (Dad in particular) sound particularly unhelpful. However, it is not a race to the bottom. Be the better person.

Peterpiperpickedwrong · 04/04/2019 23:53

she will only sleep with him or not stay at all.

I read this and thought She needs to bunk up or make her own arrangements but then ..
collecting them from the middle of nowhere at night because her car wouldn't start and her DF wouldn't go to help her, but told her to join the AA then they would come out. So together with the airport pick-ups I think I have done quite well in helping her out with lifts!

Yes you have! Her parents sound awful. What dad doesn’t pick up his stranded child M or F?
Then with a Q re him staying with her..
Her parents have odd rules about when he's allowed to be there - not quite worked them out yet (neither has he)
Seems like her parents are just happy to have her out of the house and then to not have any responsibilities towards her, are they drinkers or something? If not, I can’t think why any parent wouldn’t pick up a stranded child or let a friend stay over (either on sofa or spare bed if not with DD)
I mean DC is a PITA but I would always (have DH) pick up rather than see them stranded or walk for miles late at night.

BlackPrism · 05/04/2019 00:00

A single bed is hardly 'not good enough for her' it's is quite simply just too small. It's a SINGLE occupancy bed. If you don't like her just say so and stop making up perceived slights.