Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be shocked and saddened that apparently a million brits think that people should never move on after they lose a partner?

90 replies

NoCauseRebel · 04/04/2019 20:40

Good morning Britain of all things had Debbie McGee and jade goodie’s husband on to talk about some survey which apparently suggests that a person should never move on after they lose a partner. And I’m wondering how/why people think this? Even marriage vows talk about until death us do part but even so JG’s h said that he was 21 when she died so does that mean he should spend the rest of his life alone?

How do people arrive at this kind of thought process? If I died I’d certainly want my DP to move on, after all I’ll be gone. And while I can’t see me moving on if he died that’s because he’s not dead now so how can you ever know until it happens?

OP posts:
17CherryTreeLane · 04/04/2019 23:24

'Needed'

Peakypolly · 04/04/2019 23:34

Shame his children never appreciated me but we are happy and we don’t care about other folks feelings.
Surely DC who recently lost a mother are not just “other folks” though?

Blondeshavemorefun · 05/04/2019 00:01

I was widowed at 37. After being with my dh for 19yrsb

My world collapsed and my heart was shattered

I couldn’t imagine at the time meeting someone else

But I was 37. Does that mean I was meant to stay alone and single till I die so maybe 50yrs

I did meet someone. Without looking. Hadn’t even thought of dating Friend of friend and was 9mths after dh died

Some thought too soon - but was fine for divorced friend to meet someone new after 6mths

It’s essy to say I will never love someone else but till you have been in that situation and I truely hope none of you are young - you expect /know your partner will die when old

But if you do meet someone people don’t understand how you can love your dead partner but also love someone new

I call it the children band of love

You love your first born with a passion - yet when no 2 comes you don’t love no 1 anyless or no 2 anymore

You just love them

It’s the same

And fwiw - after meeting a new partner - it felt so right so

we moved in after 6mths - got engaged after 3yrs - spent thousands on ivf and finally after many failures , the 5th cycle worked

Dd is now 2 and we get married next year after being together for 8yrs and dh would have been dead 9yrs

BlueSaphire · 05/04/2019 00:28

We have one life (as far as we know) it's up to us to live it. No one is going to lie on their death bed and be happy they let others dictate how they should live.
Personally I would want my OH to do exactly as he pleased, with or without another wife or partner if I die first.

EmeraldShamrock · 05/04/2019 00:43

I'd want my partner to move on and find happiness again, if he was an old man not so much of an issue, but if he was widowed young definitely. Whatever brought him happiness would suit me.

IAmNotAWitch · 05/04/2019 00:55

I would be hesitant to remarry if DH died without a lot of legal protection for the assets we have pooled together for our children and would expect the same hesitancy from him if I were the one to die.

I have worked hard and intend for them to inherit from my efforts, not for it to go to a new spouse and/or their children.

So relationships = fine, but actual marriage I would be very careful.

LifeofClimb · 05/04/2019 01:14

Truly, it is no one else’s business! I have known old and young widows and widowers, some who stayed single, some who got a new partner, some who remarried... It makes me happy to see people come the other side of trauma and feel confident in whatever decision they choose. I know someone who was a widower twice over... and he found happiness again, still remembers the old wives with fondness and keeps in touch with the families. My own close family members didn’t remarry after loss, but it was very late in life and poor health and partly quite introverted characters - it suited them to stay single. One young widower I knew married his sil Grin that was quite strange but they obviously found each other in their grief (it’s worked out... even if the brothers are also cousins... Grin and there are half sisters half cousins in there somewhere too, nephew/stepsons, it gets complicated when you merge family trees!)

YemenRoadYemen · 05/04/2019 01:23

Many people will answer on the basis of a massive shortage of empathy and/or imagination.

I can't imagine sharing my life with anyone else, should the worst happen to DH. But who knows how I'd actually feel several years later?

People project based on their current situation.

Sorry for your loss Babdoc Thanks

YemenRoadYemen · 05/04/2019 01:25

...and actually, IAmNotAWitch has articulated my reticence about 'sharing my life' with anyone much better.

malificent7 · 05/04/2019 03:00

My dad got with his dp 5 months after mum died and whilst i did struggle with the speed they got together i am happy for them. Id hate dad to be alone. I was a bit outraged at first...nothing to do with inheritance....i just missed my mum and it felt like betrayal.
You shouldnt expect the family of the diseased to be overjoyed and whilst you shouldnt feel bad for marrying a widow/ widower bit of compassion for grieving relatives goes a long way...eg discression.
My dad and his dp were not discreet and were amazed that we found it hard.

StarlightLady · 05/04/2019 04:37

I think a million people have it wrong!

PregnantSea · 05/04/2019 06:21

If my DH passed away then I would never remarry. He is my husband and he always will be. However I wouldn't stay lonely forever. He would want me to be happy and I don't think I'd be happy denying myself a loving relationship if I happened to meet someone later down the line.

If I went first I would like to think of him being able to fall in love again one day. The thought of him pining over me and being miserable forever is awful. If I could come back as a ghost, and I discovered that he was refusing to persue a relationship with someone he cared for just because of my memory then I would nag the hell out of him from beyond the grave until he saw sense.

Oblomov19 · 05/04/2019 06:29

Of course people should move on and remarry.
More often than not though, it's because the man, and it is normally the man, Has moved on very quickly and started a relationship very quickly, which don't think is disrespectful to the other/late person.

soberfabulous · 05/04/2019 06:36

Men and women do things completely differently after a bereavement and are judged differently.

Sheryl Sandburg (Facebook COO) talks about it in her memoir.

The statistic is something like: men find a partner within a year. Women take much much longer.

But women are judged harshly for it whereas FOR men it's more accepted.

Harryy · 05/04/2019 07:24

I'm only 30 I lost my wife over 2 years ago I can't see me moving on and finding another partner It's not just finding someone for myself it's also finding something who would care for the 3 children I have

BarbedBloom · 05/04/2019 07:26

Honestly I probably wouldn’t date again if I lost my husband. I have had several awful relationships and one very happy one. I don’t feel the need to be in a relationship so would be quite happy alone. I have never had a connection with anyone like I have with him and it wouldn’t be fair to someone else as I would end up comparing them.

As for DH, I don’t know. I wouldn’t want him to be lonely but I don’t like thinking about it obviously. He has said he doesn’t think he would date and was mostly single for the ten years before I met him so it may be true. His mother lost her husband at 35 and never dated again as they were very happy together and she never wanted to take down the pictures or take off her ring. I do think it made it difficult though when my DH met me and began to pull away from her a bit as he had become a surrogate spouse companionship wise.

I wouldn’t judge anyone for moving on or not really as it is such a personal decision. I did advise against my friend dating someone a month after her husband died as I thought it was too soon for her. She said later I was right about that and years later she is now living with a lovely man and seems happy

havingtochangeusernameagain · 05/04/2019 07:44

I went out with someone in my early 20s who lost his dad when he was 8. His mum never moved on. It was like life had stopped for her. There were no holidays and no photographs. Once he got to university, he had a life and he's travelled widely, got married to a lovely lady, had two kids and as far as I know is very happy, same for his younger brother. But as far as she was concerned, that was it. I suspect she would disapprove of any widows who married again.

CanoeDoYouThinkYouAre · 05/04/2019 07:48

My BIL was 27 when my sister died. He met his current partner three years later and we were really happy for him. She's a lovely woman and it's wonderful to see him happy again after such a terrible loss (Sister and BIL were in a terrible car accident, she was killed and he spent months in hospital)

Interestingly, the only people who had a problem with his new relationship were my sister's female friends but I think there's other issues at play there.

A PP nailed it on the head upthread. Nobody can possibly know how they would feel until they are in that position.

Friedspamfritters · 05/04/2019 07:52

I can imagine not moving on in that situation but I'd be very angry to be told I shouldn't. Likewise I'd be angry if DH was told he shouldn't move on if I died. Ridiculous.

Ginger1982 · 05/04/2019 08:05

I think it's deemed more acceptable for men if there are kids, as people think kids 'need' a mother and a man couldn't possibly cope raising them himself.

Hellenbach · 05/04/2019 08:20

My DH died almost 3 years ago. I had no intention of having another relationship. Neither did the widower I'm dating.
However when we are together, with all 5 bereaved children we feel like a family again.
This brings us all some joy and happiness, something that we've not felt for a long time.

I guess until it happens to you it's impossible to imagine. It's complicated and messy at times. Other people's judgemental ideas about what's 'right' or appropriate just add to the guilt of trying to enjoy life again when your heart has been completely broken.

Interesting there's much less judgement of men 'moving on' but, it seems, women don't deserve a second chance at happiness!

echt · 05/04/2019 08:31

Going out an limb here, but many people can't/won't don't distinguish between should/ must/will/ would

A link to the survey questions would help, because loads of surveys have build-up questions to cue the response the result they want.

Until proved otherwise I call bullshit survey.

Oysterbabe · 05/04/2019 09:31

I'd be happy if my dad met someone else but I can't see it happening.
If my husband died I really think I'd stay single. For one I wouldn't want to bring another man into my kids lives and secondly I did a lot of dating before my husband and I really don't have the energy for that these days.

YemenRoadYemen · 05/04/2019 10:04

But women are judged harshly for it whereas FOR men it's more accepted.

Exactly @soberfabulous

Men can walk out on their partners and families and it's OK. They can remarry immediately and it's OK.

Women do anything like either of those, and all Hell breaks loose.

Blondeshavemorefun · 08/04/2019 13:36

I’m amazed how many people say they wouldnt find love again as their spouse is their one

Why

Guilt

As with everything , till it happens to you , you don’t know how you will react

Swipe left for the next trending thread