To be shocked and saddened that apparently a million brits think that people should never move on after they lose a partner?

[NoCauseRebel]

Good morning Britain of all things had Debbie McGee and jade goodie’s husband on to talk about some survey which apparently suggests that a person should never move on after they lose a partner. And I’m wondering how/why people think this? Even marriage vows talk about until death us do part but even so JG’s h said that he was 21 when she died so does that mean he should spend the rest of his life alone?

How do people arrive at this kind of thought process? If I died I’d certainly want my DP to move on, after all I’ll be gone. And while I can’t see me moving on if he died that’s because he’s not dead now so how can you ever know until it happens?

[Sadly widowed 2 years ago, still miss DH, yet happily in a new relationship. Life is a mind fuck at times, don't let other people's ideas about what you should or shouldn't do make it harder

I saw an article about widowhood in Good Housekeeping a few years ago One of the widows who had met someone else described it as happiness and sadness co existing in her heart at the same time.

NannyRed can I ask how old the kids were?

That's a good description Helena. Widowhood is weird!

I can’t say I’d be bothered by this because it’s such an unreasonable opinion I.e not worth giving a fuck about.

A distant family friend lost her husband when she was 24 years old, they had one child. She married her dead husband's younger brother 3 months later. Her reasoning being no other would love her child, as his uncle would-they have been together I nearly 15yrs now.
Whilst I think whole heartedly that people should move on and i do think a little time should be taken for grieving.

YABU to be 'shocked', I mean, who gives a toss what other randoms think? Some people don't need to 'move on' or be in a couple again, others do. Some people don't feel 'alone' or 'lonely' if they're not in a couple. Some people want to keep things low key until their kids are grown up and left home and don't want to blend families. Horses for courses.

DH died 16 years ago when we were both in our twenties. I haven't been able to imagine loving anyone else. But after the early years of grief, I'm happy and have lots of love in my life from DC, family and amazing friends.

That doesn't mean I'm judging anyone else though - they are not living inside my life and I'm not inside theirs. I assume we're all just doing the best we can, in really tough circumstances. to all experiencing loss.

Unless people have been in that situation they have no idea what it's like. Being widowed is different to divorce or splitting up, there's no betrayal or love dying. You don't lose trust in love. You had a perfect (hopefully!) love and when it goes you miss it so much.

Losing a partner is the loneliest thing. Other people die and they leave a massive hole in your life but it's not quite the same. Everything in your life changes when a partner dies. Everything. How you eat, what you cook, how you sleep, where you go on holiday/days out, how you bring up your children, what you even watch on TV in the evening! There is a gaping void in your life and the future you thought you had is shattered.

I don't think the timescale is important either. Whether you meet a new love a few months after or years after, the grief is always inside you, it doesn't go away. Time isn't going to change that. There is no right or wrong way, it's not a one size fits all.

I think not expecting someone to move on ever is just not realistic.

To not move on quickly though seems decent. If your partner has just died and 2 months later you are in a relationship I think that's pretty crass and shows they mattered little to you.

5 years+ though? Especially if young, it seems reasonable to assume you'd move on. The partner who has died will not be hurt by this and quite honestly it's unlikely you'll love just one person in life.

You won't love them the same way, but you can still love someone else.

I hope if I die DH will be respectful of me but also move on and find love again but also, not miss opportunities in general because I'm gone.

DH has a life limiting illness and had a very near call a few years ago, he said then ‘ you are young, go ahead and meet someone else, it will be okay ‘ and I remembering tearfully saying I wouldn’t -because at the time I couldn’t even imagine it, we were youngish had a LO and were deeply in love and I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to share my life with anyone else. He wanted me to know it would be okay.

I do wonder who they actually survey in order to get these results.

Your AIBU should be why am I listening to anything Debbie McGee says. Vile, vile woman.
I was widowed 5 years ago next month, at 50. I honestly never thought I'd date again or even meet anyone I'd want to be with.
I've now been in a relationship for a year, we don't live together and probably won't. We laugh a lot and see each other loads, it's a totally different type of dating.
Neither of us have children at home so we can suit ourselves and do what we like, stay in or go out. DP is totally different to DH, they knew each other though and I hope DH would approve.

pocketfluff your words are so wise. It is difficult to explain how it feels when thou are widowed. Suddenly you have to remove names from bank accounts and utilities, organise your life in a different way but with nobody to confer with or take into consideration, it's like you are erasing them from your life all over again. And the TV thing is so true - I have a whole sky planner full of things DH recorded over Christmas for us to watch together but we never had the chance, and it feels wrong to watch them without him there but I can't delete them either.

Sorry, I have nothing further to add, I just thought your post resonated strongly.

And thanks Helena

Thou? I'm not Lady Chatterlys Lover! That should say you...

My view is a combination of when you're dead you're dead, and that this stuff is people's own business. You can't tell people they should/shouldn't move on.

My grandfather died relatively young, and my grandmother remarried a long term friend some years later. He's a lovely man (she's long gone now, but he's still in about as rude health as can be expected for someone approaching 100), and I'd find it downright offensive for someone to suggest that she should've run out a couple of decades alone because it'd be "wrong" to move on.

I just find it staggering that people are so rude about huge things in someone else’s life. Most folks wouldn’t dream of commenting on someone’s dinner plans or their new sofa yet pregnancy, loss of a partner and major life things and they are right in there with their “I wouldn’t” when they don’t have a clue.

The only right time for someone widowed to start a relationship with someone else is, IMO, if and when they want too. Nobody else’s opinion matters, and people shouldn’t think their opinion matters.

Aprently people who had a happier marriage or partnership, often move on and marry/partner up quicker afterwards.

I think a lot of people can’t actually imagine what life would be like if they lost their partner, so it’s very difficult to answer hypotheticals about what they’d do afterwards. The fact is, as pp have said, you don’t ever know what you’d do unless you’ve lived it.

But I would want my DP to find love again. I wouldn’t expect or want him to live alone forever. I’d only want him to be happy.

Something I’ve always wondered though - if heaven is real and you lose a partner and remarry someone else, who do you spend eternity with in the afterlife??

Thank you AndNoneForGretchenWieners, that's really kind. It's the little things that sometimes affect you the most isn't it? I haven't watched Dragon's Den since (and I used to love it!) because one of the last things my husband said was that the new episode looked really good but he'd wait so we could watch it together. We were apart when he died.

Should probably try and watch it. Another step on the road.

Surely the disgust is the "feels like cheating" boundary - it isn't cheating as marriage ends at death, but people are either imagining themselves being vulnerable+their partner then being with someone else as a direct result, or a person who has had a life-long relationship moving on quickly and 'devaluing' the former relationship by doing so. These are both initially unpleasant to consider, even though they aren't necessarily true or complete representations of the situations that people face when widow(er)ed in real life.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners and yes to the erasing them. I was devastated when our bank account changed from a joint to one just in my name. I begged the bank to change it back but they couldn't. Someone informed the bank that he had died, without me knowing, trying to be helpful. "You can't have a joint bank account with someone who doesn't exist". Aggh! That cuts me still today.

I'm surprised at that given the wedding vows, until death do us part.
I'm divorced which feels like a death of sorts and I cannot contemplate finding another partner at my age but I don't see why people shouldn't find some happiness in what remains of their lives.

My husband will likely die in the next year or so. I have no desire to marry or live with someone again. Not because I think it will be a betrayal of him but because as a child of divorced parents I would never have a blended family. However, I’m in my early 40’s and I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life. I adore my husband and we have a great marriage but I would like to meet someone one day

If my mother, who was widowed at 23, had not remarried I wouldn't be here. Also any children she had especially daughters also wouldn't have been as highly educated.

Regardless it is rude to tell widowed people when they can move on with their lives of give them a timescale.

My DH was the love of my life.
He died 27 years ago, when the DC were both still babies, and I have never remarried. I look forward to being reunited with him when I die.
He is irreplaceable - I couldn’t imagine sharing my life with anyone else.

My dad was a widower at 26, with a 15 month old baby. I'm so, so glad he met a wonderful woman to live out the rest of his life with. He's too wonderful to be lonely, and I need a new mother.

He's a hero to me.