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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to this is cruel and I was used

58 replies

sodaandcream · 04/04/2019 10:59

I will try and give all relevant info but keep it brief. Elderly distant relative, I've known them all my life but quite distantly. Lots of siblings, nieces and nephews who are closer then me. Elderly relative became ill and was dying. No one would step up and sort anything out. So I did. I went to appointments, arranged carers, cleaners, basically everything elderly relative needed to be comfortable and cared for until the end. Two closer relatives would visit but didn't want to get involved in anything more than visits. Relative has now died. The two closer relatives took over all of elderly relatives affairs etc and have now totally cut me off. I've left messages and they will not respond. I took on all the hard work because no one else would even though I have 4 primary aged children, work full time. It was hard but it was the right thing to do. Now I feel like I have been dumped. Feel totally used.

OP posts:

adulthumanwolf · 04/04/2019 11:02

Was everything left to them in the will?

makingmammaries · 04/04/2019 11:03

OP, you wanted to do the right thing. You did it. What would you like now?

NorthEndGal · 04/04/2019 11:05

If it is info on the funeral service they are keeping from you, you should be able to get it from the funeral home

GruciusMalfoy · 04/04/2019 11:05

They've taken advantage of you, but at least you know you did the right thing when it mattered. Your relative's life was made better by you being there for him/her.

JoinTheDots · 04/04/2019 11:08

It is cruel to cut you out, but I imagine they are feeling guilty.

As said above, make sure you get the details of the funeral from the funeral home, and you can say good bye and move on with life.

Original poster

sodaandcream · 04/04/2019 11:11

makingmammaries - I suppose I have posted because I need to know if I am right in thinking I have been used or if I am being unreasonable at being really pissed off.
adulthumanwolf - Yes, which I suspected anyway. I was never expecting anything as came in at the end of her life. I knew they wouldn't even offer me anything from the home so I took photo's of her photo's.
NorthEndGal - Funeral been and gone, I want to specifically know what they doing with ashes and they won't tell me.

OP posts:

MrsWillGardner · 04/04/2019 11:14

Why won’t they tell you? Are you just getting silence?

DirtyDennis · 04/04/2019 11:14

OP, you did the right thing both for you and for your elderly relative.

The other relatives know you did the right thing and that they behaved badly.

There will be future opportunities to let them know that they were shit for not stepping up. It's up to you whether you take those opportunities and get it off your chest.

For now, I would stop attempting to make contact. Step back with your head high knowing you did the kind thing.

NorthEndGal · 04/04/2019 11:15

Ah I see, that is a bit harder.
Is it possible that they haven't decided yet?

Original poster

sodaandcream · 04/04/2019 11:21

NorthEndGal - I think they have binned them and now I am asking questions they don't know what to say.
MrsWillGardner - Total radio silence. Nothing. I am not contacting them again.

OP posts:

DishingOutDone · 04/04/2019 11:31

soda I have had a similar experience with an elderly relative, in fact she gave me all her photos because she said she knew no one else would be interested (turned out she was right). She left her house to someone who befriended her before she died, we could all see it coming.

The relative had taken part in a documentary and I'd had it made into CDs and played part of it at the funeral, I offered free copies to everyone at the wake and not one person wanted one, not even those who were about to inherit her house. Sadly, goodness has to be its own reward. You were kind to help your relative, you weren't used, but you have been treated with contempt now. I think this one might have to be down to bitter experience.

Original poster

sodaandcream · 04/04/2019 11:37

DishingOutDone - I am sorry that happened to your relative. People really are so unkind.

I knew this would happen all along, whilst I was doing the hard work but I desperately wanted to be wrong. I just keep reliving her end and that she was with me and not the people she entrusted with everything she ever owned. They let her own so badly. I need to move on.

OP posts:

Yousicktwistedfruit · 04/04/2019 11:41

Op it sounds like you have been used which is just cruel when my nan died me my dad and my sister got nothing not even so much as an ornament we have all just been cut off by that side of the family I would’ve loved a photo of her but I will never get one. It’s hard but they all showed their true colours when she got ill my dad wasn’t even told she was in the hospital until she was unconscious and the doctors thought she wouldn’t last the night they had all day to let him know and chose not to.

Drum2018 · 04/04/2019 11:43

You are as well to resign yourself to the fact that you did your good deed by helping her at the end of her life. That was your choice, your relatives chose not to be as involved. I'm sure they are not losing sleep over their decisions so you really should try to stop thinking about it. Was it their mother? If not how did they manage to take charge after she died? Did you go to the funeral and get your chance to say goodbye?

BlackCatSleeping · 04/04/2019 11:51

You are as well to resign yourself to the fact that you did your good deed by helping her at the end of her life.

I think that too.

It's unfortunate, but that's the way it is. You aren't entitled to anything. it would be nice if the relatives acknowledged what you did, but unfortunately people can get greedy when it comes to inheritances.

Original poster

sodaandcream · 04/04/2019 11:51

Drum2018 - It was her nephew and his wife. As soon as she died, they took away all sets of door keys and secured her house. Told us no one was allowed access ever again. I went to the funeral. It was fine. Not what I would of arranged. 10 minutes in and out. Cup of tea at the local pub.

OP posts:

Orlandointhewilderness · 04/04/2019 12:00

It is not right is it OP. But take comfort from the fact that you WERE there - your relative had someone that liked and respected her to care for her at the end of her life. That is what matters. What they did isn't nice, but she is gone now and you stepped up and did what really matters. You are a good person. They, clearly, are not good people.

floribunda18 · 04/04/2019 12:05

It makes me wonder if the OP was actually left something in the will and the executors are misappropriating it, which seems very common.

LemonTT · 04/04/2019 12:06

I think you gave your support freely to the relative who died and she did not use you. As to her other relatives, they may be selfish and uncaring but you were not doing it for them.

There is nothing you can do now except focus on the time you had with her and how this enriched her life and yours. Forget about people who you can’t change or influence. There are other ways you can commemorate her without the ashes and without them. Just think of something meaningful to her and do it in her memory.

AnneOfCleanTables · 04/04/2019 12:09

I'm sorry for you loss but I don't think you have been used. You stepped up to do the right thing for your relative. She wasn't using you. You did it for her not the people who have inherited.
If you would like to do something with her ashes rather than asking them what they have done, have you tried contacting them to say 'I'd like to arrange x/y/z with aunt's ashes. Can you let me have them so I can do that?' yy it means the organising is falling to you but you are the one who has a particular idea of what you want to happen next. ime the best way to achieve that is to offer to do it yourself.

Sagradafamiliar · 04/04/2019 12:13

You made your relative's life a hell of a lot easier and more comfortable, you can take satisfaction from knowing she died having been cared for. The alternative is that she wouldn't have been. I'm not sure what you mean by feeling used, this implies you were expecting something? Which I'm sure you don't mean. Your other relatives are a bit shit but they must live with themselves and the knowledge they could be in your relative's position one day.

Drum2018 · 04/04/2019 12:15

I wonder was her nephew executor of her will, if she even had a will? If she was single, didn't have remaining siblings, hadn't left a will, then he has no business taking over, assuming there are other nieces and nephews.

JaneEyre07 · 04/04/2019 12:25

You can get a copy of the will OP from the Probate office, we did this recently for DH's mum who passed away when he was a teenager. It cost around £10 and took a few weeks. www.gov.uk/search-will-probate

When my nan died, I was her only carer and spent hours with her, getting help from SS and carers. The social worker helped me claim attendance allowance for her, and my uncle and aunt were helping themselves to the money. They even cashed in an insurance policy that was in my mums name, and went all through nans house on the morning she died to make sure they got all the cash out.

All I took was my nan's photos.

Some people are just vile OP, take great comfort at the fact that you aren't one of them .

TatianaLarina · 04/04/2019 12:28

I don’t think you were used in the sense that you didn’t do it for them or at their behest. You did what you did for the sake of your relative not for the rest of the family.

They have chosen to behave badly to you after the help you gave your relative, but they behaved badly before it, so it’s hardly surprising.

You can pat yourself on the back that you did right by your relative when it mattered. And leave the rest of them to it.

Friedspamfritters · 04/04/2019 12:38

You sound lovely they sound awful. I'd be tempted to tell them straight how horrible they are then never bother contacting them again.

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