to this is cruel and I was used

[sodaandcream]

I will try and give all relevant info but keep it brief. Elderly distant relative, I've known them all my life but quite distantly. Lots of siblings, nieces and nephews who are closer then me. Elderly relative became ill and was dying. No one would step up and sort anything out. So I did. I went to appointments, arranged carers, cleaners, basically everything elderly relative needed to be comfortable and cared for until the end. Two closer relatives would visit but didn't want to get involved in anything more than visits. Relative has now died. The two closer relatives took over all of elderly relatives affairs etc and have now totally cut me off. I've left messages and they will not respond. I took on all the hard work because no one else would even though I have 4 primary aged children, work full time. It was hard but it was the right thing to do. Now I feel like I have been dumped. Feel totally used.

What relationship was the elderly relative to you - you are referring to closer relatives, and I’m unsure whether you mean blood line or geographic distance.

Lots of siblings, nieces and nephews who are closer then me.
two closer relatives
Nephew and wife

From this I assume you are far more distant (blood related) other wise you would call nephew your cousin.

There is also a strict inheritance order for those who die intestate:

Rules of intestacy

The rules of intestacy specify a rigid order of who should benefit from the estate of an intestate person. This order is as follows:

Spouse or civil partner
Children/grandchildren
Parents
Siblings
Nephews and nieces
Half blood siblings
Half blood nephews and Nieces
Grandparents
Uncles and aunts
Cousins
Half blood uncle and aunts
Half blood cousins

The highest existing and surviving relative will take priority – for example, if the deceased has a surviving spouse or civil partner, all of the estate will be passed on to them, unless the value of the estate exceeds £250,000.
[https://www.angliaresearch.co.uk/for-solicitors/intestacy-rules/]

Oh how awful. I think you're best off without them tbh. The ashes thing is sad though. Maybe you could plant a tree or donate a bench to a park or something so you've got somewhere to visit.

Very interesting programme on Radio4 yesterday (Wednesday 3 April) about probate and the problems it can cause. Apparently if you are an executor and distribute assets before probate has been granted you are personally liable if tax is owing or if things have been wrongly distributed according to a will.. Might be worth a listen OP if you think there has been shenanigans, should still be on iplayer. Wills are also eventually public property, so if there was a will made by your relative you will eventually be able to view it.

Apart from that, as others have said you did the right thing by your relative, made their last time on earth a kinder and gentler experience, and for that you must take pride in your achievement. The fact that others failed to fulfil their duties is down to their unpleasant nature and not your responsibility. I'm not going to say karma will bite them on the bum because all too often it doesn't, but a friend of mine who was recently very ill and relied heavily on friends for help asked the district nurse what happened to people who didn't have family and friends to rally round. The nurse said that things were tough for those without support and in her opinion the best thing anyone could ever do in their life was cultivate good friendships.

I think if ever you need help OP you will find people willing to help you, but your other relatives may not find that that is the case.

Yanbu. You've been fucked over but I hope you find peace in that you made her remaining days as comfortable as they could be.

It is easy to blame people in these circumstances for not doing as much as you would like. You also didn't have to step up, but you chose to do that because you wanted to make sure your relative was cared for. At least they were visiting, even if they didn't take responsibility for arranging things for her.

If they were appointed executors, they will have quite a lot of work to do now. Being an executor isn't a reward. It can be time consuming and frustrating. They are doing their share of organising things now.

If you are concerned that they will not be executing the honestly and according to your relatives's wishes, that is another matter, and it might be best to have a look at the will.

Yanbu happened to me too I helped care for my nan my aunt gave me some cash for bus fares but I never asked for it or suggested it when my nan died my mom took her other daughter and stripped her flat of valuables my aunt got me the tiny worthless clock I wanted I was allowed to arranged for the charity shop to collect what they didn't want and clean her flat after

I dont think you were used either. It was your choice to step up and help your relative. (It was a kind and caring thing to do 💐) but you weren’t doing it for personal gain and it didn’t sound like you were promised any ‘reward’. They didn’t trick you into doing it. You don’t know why they didn’t step up either. Perhaps they had good reason 🤷🏻‍♀️ The fact they don’t want anything to do with you now is a separate issue. Iyswim.

Also, I wonder if they thought you were befriending the elderly relative with the hope of getting something out of it? Ive seen it done with my very own eyes. I don’t think it’s unusual. You know you weren’t doing it to get anything but they don’t. It’s not an excuse for their behaviour but it is, perhaps, an explanation of sorts.

I also think changing the locks and not letting anyone in is a good idea? If you asked to g in the house after your relative then that might have also made them think you were after something. It’s probably a good idea to recall all keys and change the locks when an elderly relative dies. Especially if you don’t know who has access.

You should be happy about what you have done and try not to worry about the relatives. It doesn’t sound like you were close to them anyway so it’s no loss.

I feel like I have been used by the unkind relatives. I think they sat back, watched me work like a dog making sure everything was lovely for her in her last 6 months, yet now she's gone, they don't even have the courtesy to reply to my calls. Yet when I was juggling 1000 things, they were always in contact checking what I was doing and what I was spending (I never took a penny of the relatives money, they had access to it, so I needed their approval and they needed to get it). They were very controlling over the relatives money, I needed £100 to pay for a carer. They wouldn't let me have it so I paid it myself. I never expected anything from the will, I wasn't part of her life until she became ill.

I'm sorry for your loss; all you can realistically do is accept what has happened, but console yourself that you did the right thing. Incidentally, your children have seen, by example, what is the good and kind thing to do, and that lesson will stay with them.
Saying I've heard before; "Karma has no timetable".

I'm not sure how you've been used by them, I'm assuming no one asked you to do this, you did it because you wished to?

Or were they asking you to do it?

Its not about the inheritance, I never, ever thought I would be left anything. I wasn't around to even be thought of during their will writing process.

So, they probably had power of attorney for your relative, and were paying her bills etc. I have done this for a relative, and it is quite a lot of work managing their finances. In reality, her relatives were looking after her in different ways.

You shouldn't have been left out of pocket though. Was there a dispute over the carer you paid for?

It is sad that some people only come out of the woodwork when there is money involved or assets, as these relatives have, and had no desire to help look after the person. You did the right thing by your relative, you did your best.

They were constantly phoning me when she was dying, I kept them in the loop with everything that was going on. On one occasion I couldn't make an appointment, I asked them if they could attend instead. They said no, they were going out for lunch. I missed something important to go as she couldn't go alone. I did it, because if it was one of grandparents or parents I would of done the same. I could not let that lady be alone and terrified with no support which was the alternative. One time, I phoned them to ask something and they said "can't talk at the moment, or has she died" WHAT ON EARTH. No sorry she hasn't died, you need to wait a bit longer for your £500K you shitbag.

This sort of thing often happens. My dear friend died suddenly, he had a terrible illness from smoking and had endured a very harsh life. His daughter accused me of entering his rooms before her. She never saw him anyway and has a luxury lifestyle.
Of course he owned nothing anyway. Debts he had debts.
I certainly did not go there. I was too sad and he had a landlady and I had no key! Then she accused me of being friend with his landlady. I actually hated his landlady who was mean and never would put the heating on and treated him like a dog.
I am sorry you have had this experience. Some people are kind, like yourself x

No power of attorney, she refused to sign paperwork. They simply had her bank card.

Hold your head up high, OP, and know that you did the right thing. You are grieving, as they are, in their own way (feeling guilty?). It is sad about the ashes, but it sounds as if they are in control, and don't want you to know. Yes, they used you. You are right to put these people behind you.

Is it possible your relative was rude about you when she was alive even though you were doing all the work. My BIL does a lot of things for my MIL but is rude about her - I do nothing to help my MIL in practical terms but have saint status. 😇. Maybe they thought you were bossy or interfering or something. I’m NOT suggesting for a second that you were but maybe that’s how they saw it. I suspect it’s more likely that they thought you were after some financial reward for helping out.

Is it possible that she changed her will to include you and they are trying to keep this from you?

Sorry. It’s my BILs wife who does a lot for her/our MIL
We are both daughter in laws. She does loads and I do nothing but I’m very much the ‘golden DIL’.

OP, firstly, condolences on the death of your relative.

I've had a lot of relatives - my own and DH's - die. I've seen people who don't step up to the plate when said relatives are still alive and suffering, and then disintegrate into a paroxysm of grief at the death (and overtake all the funeral arrangements). By then, it's all a bit late. Said DH's relative then goes on to treat surviving relatives exactly the same way they treated their dying 'loved' one, having learned precisely nothing from this very sobering experience.

This was entirely predictable. Some people are just callous and unpleasant, and unfortunately weddings and funerals have a nasty habit of bringing out the worst in people. We are now completely NC, and after over a decade I'm thankful this negative person is no longer part of our lives. Your own situation sounds entirely similar.

I've also seen the same kind of wrangling over what happens to the ashes. This is absolutely heartbreaking and I sympathize. As these are the people with control over your relative's affairs, I'm afraid there's nothing you can do but accept it. If it's any comfort to you, the essence of who your relative was and what they meant to you is not inside that urn. Plant a special rose in your garden, or take a 2-minute silence whenever you visit their favourite beach, and make your own means of remembrance that is personal to you.

I'm glad you were able to take images of the photographs. These relatives can't take away your good conscience, OP; you will now live with yours and take consolation in that (and given time you will). They'll also have to live with theirs. In this sense, I suspect there probably is such a thing as karma.

You take care

You have been horribly used and appallingly treated. So sorry for the loss of your relative.

You're dealing with the grief of loss and the anger of utter indifference of those selfish relatives. It's a path that you can't speed up or take short cuts. But meanwhile, you did what you did for your dying relative, not these selfish ones. You treated them with kindness until the end, and that has to be its own reward. If I were you I'd cut out the selfish two. Believe me they'll be contacting you when they want something. The only question is how long will it take?

Meanwhile your conscience is clear, you did your best and you have a heart of gold.

Op you basically volunteered for a job and now you're complaining other people should what? Say thank you? Give you some kind of prize? It doesn't sound like they're very good people but you knew that already. It also doesn't sound like you really had time to do all this but for some reason you decided to. Stop expecting more from people who've already demonstrated they don't give a fuck

They had her bank card? Did she know what they were spending?

You have been given something worth far more than money though soda.
None of us truly know how we will behave in situations, we hope we will do the right thing, but it’s not a given.
You can now trust yourself absolutely, you have proved to yourself what kind of person you are, and that’s a good one.

You are the sort of person that makes the world a better place.