to this is cruel and I was used

[sodaandcream]

I will try and give all relevant info but keep it brief. Elderly distant relative, I've known them all my life but quite distantly. Lots of siblings, nieces and nephews who are closer then me. Elderly relative became ill and was dying. No one would step up and sort anything out. So I did. I went to appointments, arranged carers, cleaners, basically everything elderly relative needed to be comfortable and cared for until the end. Two closer relatives would visit but didn't want to get involved in anything more than visits. Relative has now died. The two closer relatives took over all of elderly relatives affairs etc and have now totally cut me off. I've left messages and they will not respond. I took on all the hard work because no one else would even though I have 4 primary aged children, work full time. It was hard but it was the right thing to do. Now I feel like I have been dumped. Feel totally used.

I know how you feel OP, I took over my grandads care for a while as he fell out with my father, I cooked his meals, visited 3 times a day, did personal care, eventually it got too much and my father had to step in and help, carers were bought in and suddenly other family members started to visit, after a while the backed off and me and my father were doing most of the arranging of things, he then passed away and suddenly the rest of the family appeared and arranged the funeral and wake, sorted the house out and got rid of all his stuff, I was pushed aside. I felt a bit annoyed as these people did f*ck all to help when he was poorly. It was a year ago now and although it annoys me a bit I have let it go, luckily I don’t have to have much to do with that side of the family anymore and probably won’t see them again until my father passes (which hopefully won’t be for a while).

I don’t think you were used in helping your relative. You Stepped up and did what was necessary (and was very generous in doing so).

However, their behaviour since she has died has been appalling. They should reciprocate with information out of respect for what you have done.

The only thing I can think of is maybe they felt you took too much power, or helped out to get the inheritance. Not saying you did do this (and you always kept them in the loop etc), but maybe they’ve misinterpreted your actions etc.

Shoxfordian - I expect a reply to my message re: What's happening with ashes. A fuck off you nosy bitch would be fine, at least it would be a reply. I don't want to be involved with anything to do with whatever they are doing, just like to know if they scattered somewhere nice etc.

What about other members of the family. Do they have info about the ashes? Could you contact them and ask, and let them know the other two won't reply?
I'd check the will and any attached power of attorney because these folk may not even contact you even though legally obliged to.. and then I'd do what previous pp suggested, make your own memorial space and forget those horrid people and move on. You did the right thing. They did not. Forget them. I am sorry for your loss x

They obviously should reply to you but they equally obviously should have been much more involved with the care. They don't sound like kind people so don't expect them to act nicely.

I tried everything to keep them involved, I told them everything that was happening, asked their advice/opinion and I did not make any decisions as I didn't think it was my place. Due to the sensitive nature of what was happening I made sure I was the messenger/organiser not the decision maker.

I told them it was too much for me but they said they didn't have time either.

They have cut all contact with everyone. No one has seen of heard from them since the funeral.

That does sound a bit dubious. Sorry, they don't seem very pleasant. Thank goodness your relative had you with her before she dies, not them. You have been very generous and caring.